Internalized Thoughts

There’s different layers that I think we often hide behind as humans. There’s a certain front that I hope people would perceive from interacting with me, there’s a facade of sorts. It’s not bad, but the facade’s usually there because there’s other things that we’re thinking about.

Maybe it’s the food we ate that we are trying to figure out was healthy or not. Maybe it’s the choice of what we are planning to say next to appear intelligent, or to just allow the person we’re conversing with to talk some more. Maybe it’s the fear of death that looms over our heads, worried of a sudden freak accident.

The thoughts I have, as I sit behind my keyboards, are not easy to deal with. They’re raw, they’re frustration. They’re sad, they’re just inconsolable. They are happy and just excited to be alive. But the outside doesn’t want to have the emotions outside. Externally, it’s the thoughts can’t exist and have their space to grow, or to finesse themselves. They stay internal for some time.

Maybe some of the thoughts, and emotions around the thoughts, become well finessed and are expressed in words. The words might appear as a text to a loved one, or a firm command of “Let’s just eat the burger, it’ll be fine.” Some of the thoughts with less shape, but still larger form, pop themselves out as anger, rage, physically manifesting. These would die quickly outside, because they’re not well put together. And the person learns from all this.

I keep some thoughts to myself, because I don’t think they’re fit for the outside. I keep the facade up, as I choose which to express, and try to finesse the thoughts properly. But because of the experiences from the past, not all the thoughts come out, and some stay internal a lot longer than others.

And this in itself, is one of my internalized thoughts, now coming to the daylight (or cyberspace).

Feedback

The last post had a bunch of typos, and sounds so weird, but I only knew that with feedback from my wife. Thanks to her, I now know that it sounds like I wrote it drunk.

And I think that’s something I wish more people told me more often. Do I sound drunk all the time? Is there a way to make sense of myself? Can I improve? Can I become better? I yearn for correction, because I feel like I’m not good enough to discern.

My balance for what I think ought to be can be easily laid out when thinking for someone else. But for myself, I really struggle to think about what I could do better, and how I could have done it better. I think that I don’t give myself excuses, and that leads me to this weird path of super high self expectations. I don’t think it’s healthy, but I don’t have a better option. So I keep pushing and pushing, until some parts of my ego and thoughts break.

But that’s where I look for feedback. I am listening to what people are saying to me, and about me, and I try to fix those things. I know that it’s not perfect, but I think I ought to try from there. If not, myself as my master, will lead to utter destruction of my own ego.

So feedback helps me, and I learn from it.

It’s not like feedback is easy to listen to. I already struggle to hear my own feedback, I end up going into this mode to fix myself as much as possible. Hearing it from others can be really hurtful, if I take it the wrong way. It’s not to give people an excuse to hurl insults at me, and then adjust to hear the good of what they’re saying. But it’s just simple things like “Could be better”, or “Maybe not like this”. In an overly sensitive state, I could really take that line badly.

But again, if its for improvement, I really need to think hard about why it was said, and what I could really learn from it. I don’t want to listen only to myself, or only to the good, or only to the worst things ever. I want to hear balanced feedback, so that I could be a better person. Maybe not today, but hopefully soon. That’s really the heart of what I’m considering.

So if you’re reading this, and I have not heard your feedback properly, please let me know. Tell me. I will be willing to listen, because I hope to improve. Likewise, I hope that you are telling me, so that I can improve. If you give me the space, I will also tell you how to improve as well, through constructive feedback.

One Day

One day, life would be a lot easier the others.

One day, we would be able to have good ideas, and no one would shit on them, because they would have other good ideas too.

One day, we would be able to be ourselves, expressing ourselves, our thoughts and our feelings, and everyone else would be able to accept us wholeheartedly. Not because they agreed with us, but because they were also expressing themselves.

One day, we would live away from our ideals, because there’s might be a lot more joy in helping other people. And that joy from being self sacrificing is an ideal in itself.

But it’s so hard to do that, and some day, maybe one day, we would be.

Perhaps.

One day.

A Piece of My Mind

What should be the medium of things on YouTube? The other day I had watched a video on the way cinematography is done on YouTube, and there’s this idea of having things done in presentation style.

I thought it was really interesting, because I’ve always liked Casey Neistat videos, and I never really knew or understood properly why so. Casey’s videos tend to go through an array of YouTuber Presentation Style, and then some really cinematographic movie style on other shots and angles. Peter McKinnon really makes blows this up, especially with his hardcore B-Roll footage.

I mean these are two really big YouTubers, and they both present and film footage in similar but not ways. Which makes me really rethink: what exactly is YouTube footage? What makes a YouTube Video a YouTube Video? Must I follow these rules to make a YouTube Channel? What about algorithms and things like that? How do those thoughts play into the video and the channel?


As you might know, I’ve been watching a ton of keyboard videos. Like really a lot of keyboard stuff. I expect keyboard videos to look a certain way, have certain information that I’m really trying to look out for, and a few other things like that. But when the keyboard video doesn’t have that, I’m quite frustrated, or I might not actually watch the whole video.

So I guess a question is: What do I hope to achieve in my production of typing videos? What do I want people to go away thinking? Must it look a certain way? I know it currently does, but I’m thinking of title slides, I’m thinking of intro sounds, music, end credits, all sorts of things.

And at the same time, I’m thinking of really artistic and relaxing videos. Things that appear on minimalism videos, or even just lifestyle videos. Is that possible? Keyboards as a lifestyle? Sketching as a lifestyle?


I want to try that: I want to announce myself as a lifestyle. I want to share how I think and why I think how I think. But I want it to be appreciated, not studied. I want it to be enjoyed, not mimicked. I don’t know if things like this would turn out that way, and I guess many people have these aims in their heads. But I hope one day, that it would work out that way in the videos I hope to make. (I haven’t even started story boarding them yet lol)

Also, there are many questions that I’m asking in this post. It’s not directed to anyone, but I just wanted to put all these thoughts out there, because I hope one day to track back and to read how I thought through all these things. And hopefully, my future self will be answering my present self one day.

What a time to be alive, really.

A Bit of a Break

When someone does something like Pomodoro Timers, or one of the productivity hacks, there’s always this encouragement to take a break as you need it. I like that idea, but I find it so hard to do that. It’s not easy to stop when you’re in the Zone. It’s also not easy to stop when you haven’t got anything started, and procrastination has been your work mate for the past hour, or two. But when you actually stop, get out of your seat and take a break, there’s a relief. Or so they say.

I find myself struggling with taking breaks because I don’t know what makes up a break time. Is it a walk? But isn’t walking doing something too? Is it getting out of your seat to make coffee? Isn’t that also something work-like as well? What about stretching? Perhaps that would be a break but I know my stretch times feel like a real workout, especially when I need to take out a yoga mat, and a foam roller, to get a proper stretch in the way.

My personal question for taking breaks is: what constitutes a break? How can this break be the most effective?

I find my best breaks happen when I choose not to do anything related to that topic for a day. None of that particular action or activity or task. Nothing related in any way to it. It’s the most relaxing, and my mind learns something new in that break day. I can watch any video I want, I can learn a new language, I can go for walks, for marathons. Just nothing of that particular work.

But it means my work time, with its distractions, are allowed to take the whole day. I will force myself to sit there and accomplish the task when I have set myself the day to do it. No breaks other than going to pee and eat. But pure forced on will power. Am I happy? No. But do I get work done? Yes, 100% yes!

So just give yourself a break every now and then. Not just the tiny ones that no one knows how to quantify. But just an unrelated day. Don’t do anything related to whatever you were supposed to do. And you might really find yourself in better efficiency. I find myself there at least!

Social Commentary

For some time, all of my posts here carry the intention to become a video. I’ve been extremely inspired by Van Neistat and the work he’s done with Tom Sachs over the years. But his current YouTube on the Spirited Man is such a deep motivation for me. There’s so much thought and preparation to it, and it makes me feel as if I’m stepping into a plane of art films that haven’t been touched for so long.

I’ve been watching a lot of Atlanta since getting Disney Plus as well, so this huge idea of cinematography and properly laying out shots is something I’m thinking hard about. I guess I had to stop just doing top down keyboard sound tests, but really get into a narrative of story telling.

Which begs the question: what’s the point and purpose of YouTube? Is it for story telling and presentation? Or is it for creative, artistic expression? I am thoroughly afraid of placing my art on that platform, because I sincerely am quite afraid of the comments it might attract, or not. I don’t know if I want people to watch it, I don’t know if I can handle other people’s processing of my thoughts without that two hour long conversation that usually follows when I actually have the time to meet and chat with someone.

But until I try, I’ll never know. And that’s just something I need to approach in time. Do I want to? Perhaps, and I appreciate that keyboards was a great starting point. But now I need to really think a bit more than that, because I really want to share more than a sound test keyboard video.

I think I want to bear my soul, and not for anyone else but me and God. Let’s take it one day at a time I guess.

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The Biggest Disappointments

are usually when you let someone else down.

It’s those that you care for, and try your best to love. Those are the people that you feel the worst when you disappoint. The people who you had hoped to make them happy, and bless them with everything you might have. It really sucks to have things mess up.

I feel like blaming the world, for all the things wrong. But at a time like this, it really is my fault.

All this, because of a keyboard that I just couldn’t fix up properly. It’s so tough. I wish there were better ways around it. It’s something that I thought I had enough practice in. But I just didn’t. And life just really kicked me in the nuts.

And now I have a keyboard that’s fried, and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t think I can fix it. But man. It’s just letting people down that really sucks so bad.

I really hope I can do something to make up to my friend. But I am just diving so deep into this self pity and guilt. I need to jump out of it, and do something to make it right. I can’t live in this frustration.

I need to do something, to make it not a disappointment.

I need to make a bad keyboard good.

I need to think…

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Why I Can’t Buy More

There’s a real problem I’m facing. I want to buy things. Lots of things. We could call it being a shopaholic, but my purchases are quite specific and limited. And at the same time, I’m not chasing after sales.

I’m chasing after things that can’t be bought again.

Or worse than that, things that will cost a lot more if I were going to buy it later.

For people like me, there is no buyer’s regret. There’s the non-buying regret. “I wish I just starved more that week! I would have been able to afford it then.” No matter what personal cost it might have brought to me at that time, I would still think it would be better than not having the item.

That pushes even further to the crazy ideas of materialism that are far more pervasive into our culture. My Big Questions for all my friends who earn a lot of money is: What are you going to do with it when you die? What’s the real point of having money, when it’s only a tool for purchasing?

So I take my own advice and purchase as much as my heart desires, which is a lot.

But I can’t purchase anymore. I just can’t. It’s not that I don’t want to. I have too many things to consider before purchasing. Sure, my bank account slowly depleting might be one reason, but that has never stopped my purchasing before. OK, maybe you’d want to say Credit Card Debt, but that’s not a reason for me to stop either. The financial ability to purchase is never the reason to stop – or at least that’s what the credit card companies tell me, and I would wholeheartedly believe them. If you disagree with this principle, then perhaps you should question why banks even have credit cards in the first place, and why that system exists. Personally, I don’t question it, I enjoy it.

But coming back to the main point: I can’t buy things anymore because I have way too many considerations. Does this color match with this existing thing that I already have? My table colors might not match this keyboard / pen / deskmat / monitor / mug, the list goes on. I don’t know if I really like the sound or feel of something.

I can’t buy anymore things cause I have too many things already, that compete with things that I want to buy.

So I guess I gotta start throwing away.

Maybe?

Perhaps?

We’ll see how?

Or I could buy just one more…

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Interesting Interests

“Hi, I am Joel, and I work as …”

I think there’s a lot of ways to introduce ourselves, and one early trick I learnt from my wife was not to ask someone what we do, what our occupation is. So I started the crazy journey of talking with people without asking what their jobs are.

We are so often tied to what we do. I assume many times that when I ask someone what they do, I’ll have a really good answer found some time after that. It’s really not true though. I have some friends who are food lab technicians, but I met them at a J-Pop concert, where the occupation was the last thing on our minds. All we talked about was how awesome the performance was.

On the other hand, I have some friends who I’ve only known for their day jobs as a doctor, or as a lawyer. And they might have a really sick sneaker collection.

But neither the interests, nor the occupation makes them that person. They are who they are, because of a lot of other reasons too. and that’s really something that we need to remember about the people around us.

It’s not their interests, its not their occupations, and honestly, it’s also not their opinions that make us friends with them. We just like people who we like, no matter how crazy they are.

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Clout Chasing

I don’t think I’ve ever considered myself someone that chases clout. This idea of a person that is driven to make a name for himself or herself, by a show of power, or by some heavy handed way. This idea of influence by means of material ownership, or to flex in what they have, and pretending to be someone they’re not.

But maybe that’s what life seems to be like the more invested I am in the hobbies I have. I seem to have hobbies that focus on very material things. But I don’t think I’m doing it specifically for anyone’s attention other than my own vested interest in the range of things. I think actually that I am quite happy to just dive into my own world of items and just hoping that no one else will have what I have.

But sadly, that’s not the case. Instead, unintentionally, I am chasing the clout. I want to get that hard-to-get keyboard, I like that my sneakers can’t be simply bought locally, I like the range of items that I have procured, and I hope to hang on to this for as long as I can.

And that might just be for another day. All things considered in this world. Is it worth it? Who knows? Probably not. Probably wasn’t worth it in the first place. The Lord knows I can’t take this with me when I die.

So just for tonight, just for now, but I know, it’s all going to pass away one day, whether I like it or not. Like all other clout chasers in history.