Oh, The Mortality

I followed the YouTube Productivity gurus and ended up with a Firefox plugin called Mortality. It tells you how old you are exactly, and how many more years you are estimated to live for. The average was 80, but I bumped mine to 100, just to make it a fuller number and also because my hereditary seems to live past 90. Unless they were drinking like my grand dad who died pretty early. Too early in the day for some dark humor?

What does age really mean? It’s not about how much you have, its about what you’ve done. Throw more cliches at it, and maybe we might be able to crack immortality in this human state. I believe in God, so I’m not too afraid of the after life, but one thing I’m coming to terms with a lot in the past month is how I will never be able to complete ALL of it.

I love playing video games, and I always try to get the completionist badge. I try to finish as many things as possible, uncovering everything, no stone left unchecked kind of scenarios. But I can’t do that in this life. There is no possible way we can ever reach that level of completion, and by completion I do mean trying to live as many lives as possible on this earth, and having experienced almost every era of life since the conception of time. It’s just not really on the cards.

But the current option is also impossible. It is impossible for me to read every book written from today on. It is impossible for me to live in every inhabitable country for a month until I die, because the basis of living doesn’t mean moving every month (unless I’m nomadic, then there would be no point of moving to experience every life).

So the mortality brings me back to my physical humanness. I am unable to split my mind and my body, and I don’t want to. I want both to experience the same things, and I don’t want a body double who syncs the memories and experiences to me at the end of the day. I just want to have it all, but I physically and logically cannot.

This regret of not being able to do everything, it’s such a greed based emotion or desire. I already have enough, more than enough maybe. Like I said yesterday, I think I can live without buying anything new, and it will likely last me a very very long time. And yet I want to experience more, I want to own more. What good will it do for me to have more things? I have barely used the things I currently have well enough, and for me to do more is actually quite ridiculous. But enough on that, I am talking about my impending death now.

How do I choose what to do before I die? I am choosing to write now, because I think these thoughts as important, and I want my loved ones to discuss this for themselves at some point of their lives. I might be around then, or I might not, but at least the question of knowing what are you doing with the time you have?

Clarice stopped social media entirely, after we had a short fight about how she spends her time resting. She’s been reading for the past week, and last night, she reflected that while watching Reacher, she felt guilty, as if she could have spent her time better. I don’t know if reading is always the best answer, but it’s been a good one for Clarice. She’s been able to empathize more, having different points of view. I’ve got too many hobbies, so I have to be led by my feelings. I don’t like that because I like routine. So now I am routinely led by my feelings. It makes sense eventually.

Oh, the mortality. I hope I die with the people I love nearby. I hope they know I love them, and I loved them with all my heart. Perhaps that’s why the lack of time spent with loved ones always ends up being that biggest regret. I will remember this for the time I have left to live (about 60ish more years to go)