So hard to write, especially when I’m a little tipsy.
So here’s a poem in drunk Joel mind
What will I be
What will I hope to see
Why do we plan for tomorrow
When we’re not free
What are we working for
When all the energy is spent now
What are we saving for
When the world depletes itself
By the time we get out
There’s nothing left
Obviously not for me because I travelled a ton already
There are days that are good, and I feel at ease,
But right now, my days are off by quite a tangent, and I am not me.
There seems to be a different version,
Something maybe broken,
but probably, its just me being anti me.
As much as I’ve been able to write some of my thoughts here, and post some of what I think and my processes, I’m still living my life everyday. Right now, that part of my life, the everyday part that goes to work, and tries to manage things there, it feels like that part is severely out of sync. I try my best to manage it, but I think that there are too many things on, and it’s not doing well for my health and for my mind.
I write here, in some hope that it would help me to manage, and it works in some way. I do look forward to writing here because I can type away, and be myself in some form.
But at the heart of it, my inner being is challenged with who I am and who I have to be. My role in work requires some level of leadership, and I have to be in the front a lot. It means there are times when I have to be someone that I don’t agree with. I try my best to step out of that person, but when I allow myself to be a bit more disagreeable, I find that sorrow breeds more sorrow. To be less abstract, I feel that when I allow myself to rant and address my frustrations to any one of my co-leaders, it creates more dissatisfaction and I don’t know how to get out of it. I prefer my original self, that just either hides the frustration until it goes away. Its not that I don’t face the frustrations, its just that I face the issue first, and then I decompress my feelings after that. But right now, I actually don’t know if I have the mental space to do that.
No harm trying though, to think myself back to how my mind prefers to hear and understand myself. And I’ll keep writing to give myself something to look forward to everyday.