trisected

Tag: growth

  • Be Myself

    How does one approach personal growth and understanding? One of the hardest things that any artist actually has to do is finding their own style and their own feel. The artists have to deal with this as part of their occupational stand, they have to express themselves in the most personal way possible. But it’s something that we all have to deal with actually.

    How do you know what is you, and what is not you? We’ve got different influences, but we have to navigate how much of the influence has become part of us.

    For example, I’m born in Singapore, but I’ve been influenced by the British Colonial powers that once were. So because of that I express the best with English. Does that mean that I’m English? Not necessarily. But it’s become part of who I am. And that’s ok, it’s fine.

    Hobbies add to this too, and currently with the keyboard things, I’m really part electrical engineer. I’m able to now see more electrical based things, like circuit boards, and the wiring and stuff like that. It doesn’t make me less of Joel, but I’m getting more level ups, and more skill equips.

    But was it part of me already? Like was I this way before this? I think that I might not have gotten a chance to experiment with it before, but my inquisitive nature was always there. Now I just dare to take more things apart, and put more things back together.

    So being myself would have led me down this path anyway. That’s an approach I currently take, “What else is part of who I am?” And I just keep adding on more to who I am instead.

  • Free

    There was a time when I was considering writing as a side gig, like maybe a possible thing that I could get into. Not so much income, but just another skillet to develop for possible business? Like for fun, the same way I do drawings and things like that. That thought was put through the reins when I was writing a lot on Medium, because I thought that would be a good place where I could get random people to read my posts, and I could get some side money from it. Either that or I could maybe just curate myself better on the go.

    Also at that time, this site was in a huge question mark. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with this, and it just felt like I was holding the website for the sake of it. WordPress’ layouts were also kinda boring then. I mean now that I’m here, it’s clear that I can deal with this, but it’s not perfect either, but at least it’s somewhere.

    But over time, I realized I didn’t like writing with other writers on Medium. It felt like I couldn’t really express myself as me, and I had to form myself into a shape that others could understand, something like YouTube. The content needs to be what the rest would be willing to watch.

    That’s not me. I’m not really good with dealing with everyone else. I can do work, and I can be friends with people, but having to write creatively for someone else is not something I enjoyed. I found that I also don’t know how to feel about taking drawing commissions to be honest. It felt like there were things that I didn’t want to do, but I had to make do.

    But because of that, I realized I like writing here, for myself. I honestly don’t care too much if people read it or not, the same way when I had written for others when I was younger, I wrote specifically expressing myself to them. It was good, and I really enjoyed it. It was who I was, and what I wanted to be.

    So now back to this particular site, and for me to write as freely as I would want to, it makes me happy. I am very happy with it indeed. I wish there were more ways for me to express it, but time will tell. I will continue to write here often, and I will continue to share what I learn about myself in this whole time.

    If you’re here and this is the first thing you’re getting to read, please just have fun and see where my mind has been on this site. It’s just a peak, but I promise I’ll explain more about how I think in the time to come.

    All that being said, I’m really keen on having my keyboard that I’m typing with to sound and feel a certain way. But apparently it’ll just be time that will get me there. That’s tough, because I’m honestly not the most patient person in the world. Also because of that, I feel like I might want to get another keyboard just to wear in now, before I want to use it later on as well.

    I really get into way too many hobbies interests that take too much of my time, and I really don’t have that much time. Time to get started again.

    https://youtu.be/XOnCffYzGXo this is the sound of said keyboard. My own video of this will be coming up here real soon. 🙂

  • Feedback

    The last post had a bunch of typos, and sounds so weird, but I only knew that with feedback from my wife. Thanks to her, I now know that it sounds like I wrote it drunk.

    And I think that’s something I wish more people told me more often. Do I sound drunk all the time? Is there a way to make sense of myself? Can I improve? Can I become better? I yearn for correction, because I feel like I’m not good enough to discern.

    My balance for what I think ought to be can be easily laid out when thinking for someone else. But for myself, I really struggle to think about what I could do better, and how I could have done it better. I think that I don’t give myself excuses, and that leads me to this weird path of super high self expectations. I don’t think it’s healthy, but I don’t have a better option. So I keep pushing and pushing, until some parts of my ego and thoughts break.

    But that’s where I look for feedback. I am listening to what people are saying to me, and about me, and I try to fix those things. I know that it’s not perfect, but I think I ought to try from there. If not, myself as my master, will lead to utter destruction of my own ego.

    So feedback helps me, and I learn from it.

    It’s not like feedback is easy to listen to. I already struggle to hear my own feedback, I end up going into this mode to fix myself as much as possible. Hearing it from others can be really hurtful, if I take it the wrong way. It’s not to give people an excuse to hurl insults at me, and then adjust to hear the good of what they’re saying. But it’s just simple things like “Could be better”, or “Maybe not like this”. In an overly sensitive state, I could really take that line badly.

    But again, if its for improvement, I really need to think hard about why it was said, and what I could really learn from it. I don’t want to listen only to myself, or only to the good, or only to the worst things ever. I want to hear balanced feedback, so that I could be a better person. Maybe not today, but hopefully soon. That’s really the heart of what I’m considering.

    So if you’re reading this, and I have not heard your feedback properly, please let me know. Tell me. I will be willing to listen, because I hope to improve. Likewise, I hope that you are telling me, so that I can improve. If you give me the space, I will also tell you how to improve as well, through constructive feedback.