There are days like today where I have written too much in my journals. It’s 930am, but I’ve already thought many things, and I’ve processed through a lot. I actually overthink most of the time, and based on some discussions with my counsellor friends, it’s likely stemming from OCD. I scored 12/10 for that, which probably means it’s kinda high.
I don’t think it’s honesty I’m aiming for, but more to express what I am thinking thoroughly, so it can be understood by myself later. Maybe it comes out as honesty, but I don’t intend the moral attachment of honesty. I also don’t intend for the clinical scientific-ness of objectivity. I just want my thoughts to be heard in a way that remove the viewer’s lens, and replaces it entirely with my own.
But that’s never possible.
Therefore, no matter what I write in my journals, or what I write in my blog here, these thoughts will always have a presumption “you will never really understand me”. I still express myself, because it might change the way you view the world. But true understanding? I don’t think that is ever possible between humans.
We attempt that in so many ways, but there are a million stories, billions, never to be heard or understood by anyone at all. It’s just how life works, and that’s okay. The modern world demands all rights, for all people, but we weren’t all born with a cell phone in hand, or with a voice that would speak across the world. We just have our immediate, and that’s all that really matters. The people within our context will understand our context, and we express within that context.
We’re trying to live out of our context when we’re misunderstood by the people nearby. The modern world says its okay, but previous generations would kick out the outsider. Hermits, exiles, people who didn’t fit in. They just left. Died with their untold stories, while the majority continued on.
My balance is to accept that I will never be totally understood, but to share my person as much as I can, so that perhaps my immediate context will understand. But I take the cynical view of never truly being understood. It’s okay. I am happy with being at least half understood at times. We have to take what we can get yeah?
So do you really need to understand this post? Maybe not.
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