In the midst of the current posts about memories, and some of the thoughts I have, I thought to share about some of the fears I carry with me daily. They’re the everyday anxiety type of fears, but some of them stem into the way that I live my life. Maybe this makes sense for you, but just thought to share them.
Fear of being left out (or FOMO)
For my friends that know me, they would think that I don’t have this fear at all. I seem often quite independent, and maybe even aloof at times. But I personally developed this facade after feeling left out too many times. I don’t think I was ever intentionally left out of things, or maybe I was. But most of the time, I do think that I might be left out of group gatherings, or I would just not be well accepted by people who don’t know me.
I try to evade this fear by either being very outspoken, so if someone wants to talk with me, they know from the start the type of person that I am. I have also tried to ensure that I have more than enough groups of friends that I would never be left alone. This however led to me being very tired, and never having a real deep group of friends that I grow with. I’ve since stopped doing that, but instead, intentionally made effort to relate better to people.
I am now learning to be more secure of myself, and to also be more secure of the friendships that I have. My wedding was one of these occasions, where I needed to rely on my friends to be there for me, to help me run the show. And they really did show up in the biggest ways possible. I really treasured my friendships.
Also I learnt that because of that constant busyness with other friends, it appeared to everyone that I was too busy for them. But sadly, its just the other way around. I was afraid that people don’t want me in their lives.
Fear of not having stuff
It’s not a point of poverty (perhaps it is), but I think its more the fear that I would run out of something, and be very inconvenienced by it. It’s quite ridiculous though, in the ways that these things happen. I have backups on backups, I have multiples of the same things, its just in case something happens.
I would suggest that this stems from my dad, who carries a huge bag with him around all day. He’s got a medikit, a whole set of stationery, at least 1 note book and one book, chargers, cables, you name it. And I carry something similar many times. I’ve got a spare t-shirt (cause I sweat a lot), spare pens, two books (in case I finish one while I’m still out), sketchbooks, spare phone, cables.
In my house, I’ve got so many keyboards for one. Another collection is my black t-shirt collection. And then my Denim collection too. As you can tell the word collection informs you that I have more than 10 of these things.
I feel a sense of security with these things around me, and I think there’s a comfort in that. I don’t know exactly why, but I will continue to think about it as the days go on.
Fear of Sudden Death
I keep thinking something’s gonna collapse on me, and I’ll get squashed. Or that a car might spin out of control and run right into me. Or that a knife would fall and slice my hands clean off. Things like that play in my head all day long.
I would blame this directly at a lot of gore that I had watched growing up. The worst things in the world to introduce your child into, but I don’t think my parents asked me to watch it, as much as I wanted to watch it.
The result is that I have extremely high sensitivity to things around me. I hear a lot, I see a lot, and I preempt as many situations as possible before things happen. This also adds to the things that I have, in case I would need them. I usually can hear when someone’s walking that I’m familiar with, because of their gait. I can see a car moving really quickly, or if someone’s mannerisms seem to come towards me aggressively.
It’s kinda really cool spidey sense, but derived from a really anxious and paranoid mind instead. Of course, I can tell if someone is aware of this, and I would preempt that and try to look as cool as possible, if I can maintain the face.
Anyway I wrote this, because I’ll be heading into camp tomorrow, and I have a fear that I will miss something out. Of course I probably wont, and instead, I’m highly overpacked. In any case, we’ll see, when I update from camp tomorrow.
See ya