place for all joel's trisected things
Every now and then, I load up a game like Diablo, and reminiscence smashing things for loot in a dire landscape. The view specifically needs to be the isometric Blizzard POV – their other games have the same angle too, like Starcraft, Warcraft, and the like. (Overwatch and Hearthstone don’t, obviously).
It takes me five minutes to reinstall the game clients, download the game, and get myself all ready.
Then I get distracted and don’t even start the game.
I might make a series out of this.
This post might sit better on Medium, but I’ll write it for this page first.
I have been doing journalling practices for a very long time. Perhaps since I was a child, and the idea of a diary impressed me a lot. I might also attribute it to books I read, written in the form of a diary, and tracing someone’s life through daily thoughts, emotions, and activity seemed to resonate deep with me. So I started writing.
But whenever I looked back on my writing, it seemed stupid. Mostly, ‘Why did I think this was a good idea to write, or to put into words?’ I struggled with this emotion, and yet, I knew there was something deeper with writing I needed to hit. I wasn’t really striking “reflection gold” just yet. So I kept on writing.
I’ve got a stack of journals over the past 10 years, maybe a little bit longer. It’s not that I wrote every day, but I wrote often enough. Often enough might just be quarterly; I would note for myself on my journal “It has been three months since I last wrote in here.” Sounds like a stupid point to make, but it’s a point to readjust my time frames, and to give myself a little forgiveness today if I missed writing for a month or two.
What I realised is that the journals highlight the concerns of my heart then. The more I pour what I am feeling into the journal, the more it makes sense. As I look through the past, I see that my heart was torn between what I should be doing, and what I want to do. I see the pettiness that I struggled with past colleagues, friends, or even family. I recognise points of personal change I wanted to make, and now, I might have made already. The journals have become a ruler for me to measure my own emotional height with. How much have I grown since?
Sometimes, I hit a touch of nostalgia, missing the past. Missing what I thought were good and great times. Looking through my journals also brings some perspective to remember it wasn’t always great. The grass isn’t always greener, but it just appears to be. The present is what actually matters, because I can do something about it today.
I feel a lot, and I think everyone feels a lot. Recording them down in my journals gives me the space to understand myself later, better. It’s silly sometimes, to see how ridiculous my priorities were. But at least now I can see it for myself. And at least now, I can learn not to be that ridiculous anymore.
So I write.
Of all the months to really just speed past, April has sped past the fastest so far. After the slow grind of January to March, the culmination of the Open Fields, and of my interns time with me, time has kicked into third or fourth gear. In a flash, April is about to end soon, and it feels like there’s no time to think, no time to do anything.
Once again, I’ve been trying to figure out what to put here in my own blog. I’ve been doing my journals, and I’ve put one or two articles on my Medium side of things. But what do I put here? I used to have a lot more process things, but right now it feels like I don’t have much left to process.
As a whole, April was just a lot of catching up, and realigning of schedules and relationships. It wasn’t the hardest month, but at the same time, I don’t think it was a walk in the park. I needed to clear work, and there was honestly a lot of mental processing that I needed to do. The internal readjustments were what I needed to do the most.
And maybe that’s why there’s nothing I need to put here because I’ve done the work already. I’ve figured out what my brain needed to do, and I just went ahead to do it. That’s led me to finish typing emails, sorting out meeting dates and team directions. Now it’s a matter of getting actual work done.
I am a little apprehensive of what it means to publish work, and what it means to publish for other people too. It feels very all encompassing, like something very serious, very severe. It’s weird, and anxiety inducing. It feels like a huge weight on my shoulders, but at the same time, it’s just a small step. I think I have less fear of the stage, than to produce, and to create and add to industry. It’s much easier to just present concepts, and to share ideas. But to make something, to put money down and making something come out of it – that’s a bit harder.
I think finishing Atlas Shrugged definitely pushed me in that direction. But I also remember one of Steve Job’s presentation where he asks the crowd about being manufacturers. Because the manufacturers knew what he was going through, but not the marketing people. Not the people who just talk. But he wanted the people who actually made something.
Making really takes something out of you through. I totally understand the difficulty, and I relate completely to it. It’s just not easy.
Anyway, one step at a time, and one month at a time maybe for me.
Maybe a little over a year; I stayed in the middle of the city. I lived in an old apartment, without air conditioning. With no hot water for my shower, and yet close to some of the most expensive land in Singapore. With stray cats climbing into my apartment, and luxury dogs taking their evening strolls along the river side. In the midst of a complete disparity of wealth.
It really felt like a fever dream. When I travel into the city, and the buses go past cafes, bars, hotels, and offices, I just remember the afternoons strolling through. I remember walking home to clear my mind, and enjoying the views of the city.
I don’t think I understood what the wealth gap really meant until I stayed in Jalan Minyak, and I don’t think many people will ever have a chance of understanding it properly. It’s not just about helping out on the weekends, or donating to the cause. It’s about a systemic issue of privilege, and the desperation of those who have not. It’s about heritage, both for and against.
I’m not either, I’m the big grey tasteless middle in the steak of capitalist Singapore. I’m the middle class, who can’t afford to be poor, and also can’t afford to be rich.
So I reminiscence the years when I was able to see both at the same time. Wood fired pizza for dinner one night, and charity donated canned foods the next.
Now, we’re making do with 菜贩, (small dishes with white rice) middle Singapore’s standard meal. Having Prata breakfast, at coffee shops below our apartment housing.
I still miss living in the middle of the city.
I expect myself to not succeed sometimes.
I think that there are many other people who have worked harder than me, and they’ve produced a lot better than mine. But at the same time, I’ve gotten access through friends and other social networks. Other times, I’ve been told that my work is good, and I receive praise for it.
But I receive it badly, I am shy, and I thank them, but I also turn them to the faults I see in my work.
Then two or three years pass, and I look at my old work, and I wonder how I managed to create something that looks that good. I wonder if I could ever make that work again, and I understand that my work was indeed good.
I need to manage my expectations for success, and to allow myself to succeed more often.
One of the perks of growing older is deciding to say no to a lot more things than before. I’ve said yes to many opportunities in my twenties. I’ve tried and tested out many things, joined many committees and working groups, talked with people of different ages, backgrounds, and professions. And my take away is learning how to focus on what I’m supposed to be doing.
But I guess it took all those opportunities to figure out what I wanted to focus on too. I don’t think I came to it easily, although every time I was doing something, I wanted to try my 100%. It was tough, mundane sometimes, or just difficult.
And now I’m finally at a place where I think I can stop saying yes to things, and to start figuring out how to say no more often. It’s more about treasuring the time I have, and making the best out of it.
But there are days where I feel like I should have said yes to more, just for the companionship to hang out with other people. It’s fun to be around people sometimes.
As I write this, a kid is screaming in the playground downstairs, and maybe I take back what I said about people.
My sleep deprived brain decided to write this post about why I chose this year to start doing this. I have a range of answers.
I think it was Casey Neistat who started doing his vlog when he hit 35. I did actually think about vlogging, but then I thought about all the editing I’d need to do, and I decided to say no.
I really wanted to create something, to write something down. Like making my own mark on the timeline of humanity. I guess at the end of the day, there would be this version of the things I make this year to be a super zine of some sort. Sustaining the momentum of the creation would not be the consideration, but just a theme to center me for the year.
Taylor swift had her Eras tour this year. She’s my age. She definitely feels it too. Nuf said.
Along with creating something, a part of me really wants to sync the things I have together. Like it should be that simple, and it kinda is. But why is it so hard for me to pull the different strings of my different hobbies in the same direction?
I thought I should try to do it at least once, and I have no idea how it’ll work out, but I’ll try it.
That’s all for today, I hope to survive Open Fields well, and hopefully we get by safely today.
I have been pondering around this post for some time. How should I approach the topic? With which personal touches and flavor should I furnish? I decided to go with this, long winded, self questioning style, because at the heart of it, that’s part of who I am.
The age of youth in Singapore is 18-35. I am turning 35 this year, and thus, at the end of this range of youth. There are many events, and many people who have impacted me through the years. Some of these years were extremely lonely. Some of the years held my life changing, near death experiences, shaping the person I have become today.
While preparing for this year, especially approaching the end of 2023, my year end review ended with me reflecting on goals I had set through the years but never really completed. Ideas and thoughts of my youth, undecided if I should bring them into “adulthood”. Predictions and hopes for the future, as they ramble uncertainly through the days of 2024.
So this year is dedicated to losing my youth. It’s in remembrance of the person I was throughout the seventeen years so far. It’s a mixed bag of hopes and dreams, as they crashed and burned with the practical realities of life. Perhaps that’s the ideal artist statement I never dreamed of, but now I am living out because of the choices I’ve picked throughout the time.
Funny enough, it took me so long to write this post out properly, we’re already in March. But the work has started some time ago, and it has been exploding out of me in the past two months of 2024.
Stay tuned, to watch me reminisce, and reimagine crazy thoughts and ideas of before, and aimlessly shoot towards Mars for the future. I promise it’ll be a hoot. After all, you know me already, if you’re reading this.
I don’t think I’ve felt so nervous presenting new work for some time. The current sensing is pretty okay, from the people that I’ve showed my work to. It’s a whole range of things actually, but the ideas running in my mind are a lot more personal. It feels like I’m a lot more exposed, and I’m trying a lot more than I used to.
It’s also another set of things to keep thinking about my work work in Through The Roof. I’ve got incomplete work there, and I don’t really have a good idea of what to finish it with. But the coordinating is by far the most challenging, because it takes so many people to put it together.
I think in my head, I’ve been comparing across the different artists and the different booth types across the scene. It feels like I’m not the same, even though I know it would probably end up looking very much the same. It doesn’t equate to confidence. The feeling of producing work that is uncommon makes me unsure if the people around me would feel the same way about the work. Or that it would be well received. It doesn’t have to be right?
I don’t know, perhaps doing tables and presenting work this way makes me think a little too much about my work, and maybe I should just do the work, and get someone to manage my booths as a whole. Perhaps that would work in my favour.
There’s this sense of anxiety when I think about making something new.
Being able do a sequel, a repeat, a part two, it all seems a lot more manageable, but at the same time I can imagine being extremely bored.
But starting afresh makes me feel sick inside. The same way that I have performance anxiety; the same way that I get stage fright. It makes me feel so uncomfortable. But I know the work needs to get out of me somehow.
Writing helps me think about it, and I thought about writing it in my journal, but I wanted to just put it out here: it is not easy to produce new work. Mentally, it really takes a toll on me.
Making new work is always the most fun, and also the most scary part of doing artwork. Like I know that my watercolor work is pretty good to go. I know how people take to it, and how it could be received. But I get bored of it, and I want to try something new.
The New Thing always trips me out. It feels uneasy, a new cut facet of me that I’m not sure about. Maybe it doesn’t shine and glitter the same way. Maybe it just won’t work out. But I don’t know unless I make it happen.
I have a whole bunch of new work that hasn’t come out yet, I haven’t published it yet. But I really want to, and I guess it’s gonna come out really soon.
Another new old part of me.
It’s such an interesting time to come Chinese New Year every year. I think everyone knows what to expect, but at the same time, we’re all trying to find ways to survive the arduous journey of it.
There’s a mix of feelings. You haven’t seen some of your family for the whole year, but it comes with questions that only your family members would ask. Funny enough, this year I didn’t have many questions about if we’re looking to have kids, or anything along those lines. But it was good having conversations about life, and about the values we have in Singapore as a whole.
I don’t think we always come to the same answers of value in Singapore. I think there’s a majority of people who enjoy life in it’s current state, and I can totally understand and relate to that. And yet, I know there’s an undercurrent of culture changing the future, whether we like it or not. Mentally, I’m gearing for a change in life as a whole. I don’t know what it will look like, and I’m just preparing my mind for a lot of change to come. Celebrating things like Chinese New Year, it might change greatly in time to come.
Maybe it’s just the way life is panning out for many of us now. Our growing silver generation has its set of challenges, and the systems we place in this post modern era continue to drive a bigger divide because of technology. It’s funny because of how obvious the tech divide is, and yet, we don’t do anything to change it. It doesn’t help anything, because everyone on the tech side of things will continue to build up their virtual walls. And those who are not tech savvy, will build their physical ones. It’s really just plain in sight, and I find it strange that no one really wants to deal with it.
I just hope to bridge things a lot of the time. I do understand how it works, and the apprehensions to tech and to join two very different groups of people together. It turns out strange really often, but I guess in this Chinese New Year, I really got to see a fun twist.
It was fun to see how we would have physical gatherings, but we would be on our socials to make sure its documented. One of my aunt’s forgot to pack an ang pao, and I suggested an eAng Pao as an option, and it was funny, because it would really work out quite okay in an era like this.
Maybe I should think harder about how I want to approach the bridging better, and how I would want to share better with others.
How I survived most things this year: I was reading in the coolest parts of the houses I got invited to. It was really hot this year, and I had a bunch of books that were going to expire on rental. I was the weird uncle sitting in a corner, reading away. Haha.
What a fun Chinese New Year it has been.
It’s such a mind boggling thing sometimes, when life turns out in a direction you’ve never expected. Somewhere last year, I told Clarice that I was so sure I have something wrong with my thyroids, and that’s why I have a lump under my chin. Clarice laughed, and I searched and it seems like it was just being fat. But I was still not persuaded.
But now, after 3 weeks of running 4 times a week again, as I did when I was much younger, I feel the lump going away slowly. So okay, maybe it was just fat.
It’s also really funny that when I wrote about Q, from the previous post, within a week, they messaged me. I don’t think Q bothers about me enough to search out my site and read my thoughts, but in any case, I received a text to try and reconcile. I was honestly surprised, so I did take that as a step to do something good, and positive.
I have also been drawing again, and inside, I swear, I think my creativity is going somewhere strange. It’s not that it doesn’t exist anymore, it’s just that I produce work in a way that I don’t totally comprehend right now. And if the work comes out most visually through sketches and sketch walks, I have to be ready and okay for it. I think I am, but I’m honestly a little over it. But I do feel a simple good push by doing a sketchwalk. At least I have some work, instead of putting myself down just to do work that I think would break boundaries or rethink society. I can be happy with just having some work.
So I’m really back to drawing, one page, one location at a time. I do admit, seeing a completed sketchbook is a nice feeling. Even if the pictures are bad, it’s still good. In some sense.
I had plans, and I am having plans of creating a page just of all my sketchbooks too. I will aim to have this up by March. It’s just the process of taking photos that’s tough: laying all the sketchbooks as flat as possible, with the most correct color accuracy. It’s a real process.
I have also gotten through 4 books in the year already, and it’s not even past the third week. This means that I’m pretty ahead of my reading schedule, and I’m still chasing it down. I’m reading this book called “People of the Book”, and it’s not exactly my cup of tea. But it hit a good portion today, so I managed to crawl through the narrative a bit better. Exposure is the hardest part of trying to clear books to read, because it’s really easy to just keep reading the same type of mystery-murder-spy type of books.
I’m a little scared of attempting Murakami again, as I had planned to, but maybe I should. Because that would give me another framework to think about words once more. The murder mystery types don’t really bank heavy on phrasing, but really a lot more on the smart tricks and the incredulous action.
I am also severely allergic to cats and dogs right now. I think the lack of a cat or dog in my past year has lowered my threshold to allergies so much. I am just in constant tears and sneezing fits. I sneezed so much this week that my eye lids were sore from having to squeeze and tear. I had about two nights with animals this week, and it was just horrendous for my nasal passage. But it felt really good though, to have pets. Now it will just be limited to enjoying pets in the homes of family and friends.
That’s about all the updates I have. I’ll be flying around a lot this year, and hopefully I learn how to manage my time a lot better. Prayerfully.
Peace.
I was having some trouble with my back end, so this look of the site is back again. I’ll probably edit it somewhere along the week, just for a fresh-er start. But back to this for now.
It’s the first year I didn’t wish Q happy birthday. For the past eight to nine years, I’ve been wishing Q on their birthday because of a few reasons.
But in the year end, there was no wishing.
We had a falling out of sorts, Q and I. It was getting tiring having to work through differing opinions, and Q is not an easy person to talk to. To me at least. In our talks, I always felt like there were many defenses to work through, and it drained me to think through how I was saying things, because of how they would perceive it.
In any case, the last time I texted Q, it was left unanswered, and I decided I would not want to wish them happy birthday this year.
These are the two responses I am personally working through.
Both responses are part of me, and yet, I’m leaning towards the latter one still. I’m usually responding the first way, trying to be the nice guy, and looking past the frustrations, and I’ll just suck up my own pride and just talk through things. But another part of me is just very exhausted having to have Q and people like Q at the back of my head whenever I’m talking or interacting with people.
Relationships, friendships, they take a lot of effort to maintain, and it doesn’t feel that great to be the only one maintaining it. Sure, it’s about committing to a friendship, but I think one of the key learning I had the year past was how important it is to draw some boundaries in accepting different kinds of people in their different ways. Especially for me, accepting Q means accepting that they would want me in their life, one way or another. I need to be okay with that, and accept the truth, really, that I’m usually the one to start the conversation or to find out things. It’s a painful truth to deal with, but I guess I’m learning how to be okay with that.
It’s also a time for me to know that I’m no one’s savior. I do have a savior complex, feeling as if I can really be the one to solve the world’s problems. But that’s not true, at all. I’m just another guy, just doing my own thing. I can’t be the one to save Q, and I definitely am too far removed to make anything of that happen. It’s just how life works.
At the same time, there’s always a part of me that feels like Q shits on my achievements because they either don’t care, or don’t understand the value of what I do. It’s humbling for sure, but more severely, it limits what I hope and expect of myself. It feels sad that nothing is ever good enough, including Q’s own work and their own successes. Q’s view of the world is objectively skewed different because of the mental health issues that they go through. I try to remind myself not to accept their lens of the world, because it is not healthy, but it still affects me anyway. Maybe I should have started with that explanation about Q to begin with.
Anyway, just wanted to get all that off my chest, because it’s been weighing on me since December. Learning how to be myself, and not lose who I ought to be. And I should reclaim this space of the relationship to intentionally care for someone else, or to do work that I’m personally proud of.
I think it’s been awhile since I’ve done a full site refresh, and I think of all the things to do at the end of the year, this is really one of them. I was looking through other sites and other artists and how they laid out their work, and I think I’d like to try something new.
But I’ve also been reading pretty fun things about comparison, and the creative self. And I guess this really has been running as part of how I think about the things around me.
There’s always that tension to manage: “how do I want things to be”, contending against “how I need people to understand me”. It’s been one of the hardest things for me to think through because of how blur that line is. Or perhaps, how far away things are from each other. Maybe how I want things to be will never be well understood by anyone.
In any case, I’m just going to try rearrange and sort out my site, so that I can share more of my work in a way that more people can understand, without me losing myself in this process. Hopefully.
It’s coming.
I don’t think I expected the year to end this quickly. I feel that there were way too many things I wished I had done, and I am still regretting not done more. The scene of Schindler’s List pops into my mind, but definitely in a very different context.
I will be aiming to do some bigger reorganization on this site itself for one. It needs to hold a bit more of me as an artist, instead of my blog being the main anchor. I have a lot of other things that I do, that I have done, that I should definitely record and add somewhere. Perhaps I should just add another category. I need a web designer.
But at the heart of it, if I’m writing this just for myself, and for my own thoughts and processes, maybe it’s okay to just mess around.
But the site definitely needs an update. That’s for sure.
Definitely an update.
Objectively speaking, I’ve done tonnes this year. I think I’ve done more in the past year, than the past two or three years. By doing more, I mean the intentional actions of actually choosing to do projects, talking to people, writing. There was a lot of intention in it. That made it a lot more purposeful.
What makes me feel regret is that I know I intentionally also chose downtime. I had mornings where I lay in bed doomscrolling. I hate it when that happens, and yet, I choose that often enough. I could have read more, drawn more, done a bit more. But instead, I chose the emptiness of Instagram and Reddit scrolling.
Funny enough, through the books I’ve read this year (currently 32 completed), some of the authors would have said, it’s okay to not have done anything. I should use those moments to learn more about myself and what I don’t like. Perhaps I should identify the slothful side of me as a villain, and my productive side will come to conquer him more often. The success of the sloth is the strong will productivity that ensues soon after. I do get work done, but some work really just takes time.
I do have some of those aims for next year, and I’m looking forward to doing my yearly review, based off the Tim Ferriss one. I will definitely set a good day aside for it, and hopefully that helps me to arrange my thoughts in one way or another.
Anyway, it’s coming to the end of the day, and it was quite a good day of productivity, despite a little hint of doomscrolling in the morning. Goodnight world.
I’ve been really stuck deciding where I should publish my thoughts, and if they should even be published at all. But I find this as my safest place, because it is, after all, my blog. I don’t have to worry about the theme, or the direction, or anything else in specific because I have total say in what I think I ought to be publishing here.
That being said, I still think about the visibility, and how it might be read or perceived, but statistically, the site monitoring says that there’s so little people reading this and it shouldn’t matter at all. So it’s cool, and I’m alright.
I’ve been thinking about the range of consoles and devices that I have around me. I am playing a lot of them, but the rotation of games, and the lack of free time I’ve been having has really limited the amount of gameplay I get. I could definitely squeeze in a game during travel, or just playing a lot more, but I do need my breathing space. I need my down times to think, and sometimes having a game to take up that thinking space really makes it less enjoyable.
At the same time, which game do I play? Should I finish all my games to 100%, or should I work on those that have been in the library for decade (literally for some games)? Should I play something popular, or should I replay an older game that I’ve always replayed because I just enjoy it that much more?
I’m still deciding the priority, and honestly I’m wasting more time on the indecision. I should just sit down to play a game, and at those times, I end up replaying games a lot more.
Does that mean that I should just stop buying new games and just playing old games until they’re settled? I am uncertain. Sometimes a game that I have wanted to play goes on cheap all of a sudden. I buy it, and then I have another game that is unplayed for another period of time. Perhaps I should really just finish older games before I get new ones!
These thoughts have affected the way that I think about the rest of the things I have. I do collect a lot of stuff, and because of the type of things I get, they don’t necessarily break apart. More than that, I actually maintain things quite well so they do last longer than they’re supposed to.
I enjoy retail therapy as well, and that leads me to spending a lot on things that I don’t really need, but I want to have at some point. I don’t think it’s the best thing to do, especially with limited resources, but sometimes I feel like I can’t help myself. With the help of my wife, I’m slowly unwinding from this, although I feel it’s taking a bit longer than I would have wanted to.
Anyway, I’m writing all this, because I’ve got a few devices around me right now, and I can’t decide what I should do next. This is really the effects of the sin of overbuying and indecision. What a complication we have let ourselves go through in this process…
The hardest mental hurdle that I have to take every single day is the cultural change of Singapore. It’s one thing to say that we’ve Westernized our Asian culture, but the truth of it is still a huge apprehension of what that really looks like. More than that, I think most people actually don’t want too much of a foreign approach, and they want the comfort of familiarity.
That’s hard when I’m trying to walk up or down and escalator.
Here is my escalator issue:
The diagram for standing on an escalator states that you should stand on the left side to hold the rail, and the right side is for people to move past, if they are in a rush.
However, in a lot of scenarios, Singaporeans like to travel in groups. In a Singaporean group movement, it is key to be in a swarm of some sort, and having to walk ahead is seen as being unfriendly. It is also key to have visual connections to everyone around. This means that on an escalator, it is impossible to stretch a conversation among 4 people in a row. Thus, they will stand two by two, so that the conversations can still take place.
Then I might come along, wanting to move past, but there are two people blocking the way, and there is usually no space to move past two people. Moving past one person is still something that can be squeezed. But two is just too much.
So I end up standing behind this set of people, and listen to their conversation (OR LACK OF) and just wait my turn to get off the escalator.
In this scope: the Asian mindset of “everyone else” is focused on their immediate group. The Western mindset of “we’re on our own but we’re together still” is not there.
I’ve seen non-Asians be separated from their group, and they would wait at the end of the escalators if they need to walk ahead because of the lack of space.
As I’m writing this, I also recall the complete ignorance of groups on the escalator when in the London Tube, or in Paris.
So perhaps
all people are not able to read signs
and in a group, no one really cares about the people that are not together with them.
Ok this post didn’t really go the way that I thought it would. but hey, I learnt something new again today I guess.
Today I went to a mall in an attempt to get some new art materials. I actually looked up the store online, and I checked Google Maps to make sure I got all the timings right. But lo and behold, the entire mall was under construction. Worst part is that I was just at this same mall a few weeks back, and for some reason, it never occurred to me that there was definitely going to be renovations because a few shops had moved away.
I had to walk to another mall down the road, to look for the same type of art materials.
On the train, the station displays on the train were off. They were supposed to light up when you get to each stop, but instead, the whole map was just off. Thank goodness I knew Singapore well enough to get out at the right stop with or without the station display lights.
Sometimes, they even announce the wrong stop.
Singapore has such a strange relationship with technology and convenience to the point that a lot of people don’t even check it. But if this happened anywhere else in the world, a Singaporean would be completely upset.
Thus the relationship of Singaporeans and misinformed opinions and choices.
Sometimes I forget what I need to do, and I end up spending a lot of time thinking and working around things instead of doing the actual things that I need to do.
Sometimes, I don’t even make the lists of what I need to do, and instead, I end up sitting down with no list, and a huge bunch of tasks in my head.
But today, I sat down on the train, put my task list on paper, and when I got home, I started to actually do the work that I needed to do.
I still have things to do, and I wished I planned a little bit less, but at least I did some parts today.
That’s a good enough start for me, and I’m writing this post because my break from work got more and more distracting and I just needed to do something instead of just scrolling through nothing all over again.
It’s day three of trying to draw or create, or be creative in some aspect or another. Honestly, did not do anything creative today, other than just think a whole lot, and I wrote a whole lot too. I guess I will end today with a lot of writing just to get myself going. and MAYbe that would help me get focused on my creative juices just a little bit.
I’m also doing this to psyche myself up for the coming Inktober. I have so much apprehension and a part of me just wants to curl up and pretend that creativity can shoot out of my butt when I need to perform. But I know that I need to put in a lot of hard work to make sure it happens. Like a lot of hard work. I’m thinking of spending a few days this week just to brainstorm and prep for the days coming up. It’ll start on Sunday, and boy, I barely feel ready for this.
My hopes were also to run in into the Through The Roof things, and hopefully, somehow we can get a group going. Like having a running group, just that this one is for creative drawing. It’s gonna be some challenge for real, figuring out mentally how I’m planning to approach the creative daily discipline.
But one night at a time I guess. Maybe I’ll end tonight with some random thoughts of the world that I want to create.
I sketched a bit in church today, and there’s just something else about sketching in real life. I don’t know if its the same as when I’m just doodling about and just trying to think, but I do feel like it might not be the same as a daily drawing discipline. Or maybe it is. Kurt Wallander’s father would draw the same scene over and over again, but sometimes he might include little elements. Otherwise it was the exact same thing.
I don’t think my sketching has the idea of the same repeated scene, but I am trying to achieve some amount of ink on a single page. I hope I was approaching that today, but I was just trying to draw the scene. I don’t think that’s wrong either, but I don’t feel that creative burst. Maybe feeling it isn’t the point.
I did consider a lot about writing something special. I had this stock of newsprint paper that just came in and I really want to do some drawing and printing on it, but I can’t seem to find my ink roller. That makes it really challenging because I have no idea how consistent the ink would be over my printing block. Also I need to test it out soon because I’ve got quite a few things to produce in the coming weeks.
I guess a question I have is: I don’t know how much I should think or not think about the work that I do. And I should learn what the line is to do it for myself or not.
I have been thinking about this for the past few days, especially in the past week. Leading up to my birthday, I was keeping up with my writing pretty okay, maybe I missed a day or two, but in the few days of gap in writing, I am understanding that why I write is key.
More than that, the motivations why I continue to do something in a disciplined manner need to be clearly drawn out for myself.
I watched a few videos on people keeping small notebooks, and the place of writing thoughts or just doodling through the day. I thought those were absolutely perfect ideas. The only issue is its application in my own daily life. What would I do with all these thoughts? Where would I place these ideas and doodles? I have no answer.
And because I have no clear answer for myself, I don’t see myself starting out on them. The difficulty comes where I know the answer would reveal itself to me while I start out. But the steps to pull myself along to do something that I haven’t done for a very long time is extremely challenging. I don’t feel like doing it, and I don’t end up doing it.
I actually pulled myself out of bed today for a run. A simple step for me was to wake up too early, so I could clear all my morning tasks quickly, and then I was left with nothing to do. All I could imagine doing was going for a run. So the run came quite quickly.
But how will tomorrow’s run go? or the day after that too? I can’t imagine, and I need to find that reason for discipline somehow. I don’t think just the simple thought of doing it because it is good for me will work. But perhaps a certain goal that I think makes sense in the long run of things. I’ll work on this over the next few days in this blog, just for my own thoughts as well.
I’ve been having many conversations in the past few weeks. A lot are about art, and about how we think through the creative work that we do. I say we, because my companions talking with me are mostly creatives.
These conversations range from how we were supported, or how we felt about the different things that we went through. I don’t think I ever push too much, but I just want to hear and understand, and also share what I think too.
It is interesting to hear how we change over time. Creatives for sure, in the things we like, and the priorities of what we associate with at the different times. For me, I feel like its part of the process of figuring out between who I am in my identity, and who I am choosing to be.
Talking makes me hear myself say it out loud. Talking also makes me engage with another person about what they think for themselves and for me. It makes me pause and process again. Processing again all my thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
It makes me realise that I do enjoy doing things for fun, and I do think that I have to find the right words a lot of the time, because I have to assume that not everyone is on the same page as me.
Talking talking talking
Singapore can get really hot, and during those hot days, all I can think about is how I wish I wore shorts instead. It’s not like my bosses need me to wear pants, but I just wear pants because I feel like it makes me look a bit more kept. I think my long hair definitely plays into how I feel the need to dress a little bit better. But at the same time, if I had no hair, I would definitely want to also dress better because I have no hair.
So sometimes, I have to be wise on the choices I have to make because they are really all over the place. These choices on what I wear end up playing on the amount of time I take to get ready, which affect the time I wake up, which in turn decides the time I have to get in bed, which also calls the time that I have to stop playing or relaxing, which affects the time that I last ate, because of the time I stopped working at, which was because of lunch break that I had, from the time I started work in the morning, which was based on the time I got to work, from the time I decided what to wear and get ready.
As you can tell, it’s definitely a circle of choices, and this simple choice of what to wear affects the next day’s choices.
I actually meant to talk about how hot it gets, but you get the drift. How hot I get affects the quality of work I produce. Simple.
But today was really one of those hot days. I wish I made wiser decisions.
I never thought I would be 34 years old. I thought being 34 was for like retirees, or the years where people became really boring, stuck in their careers, trying to make life happen the way they thought it should.
I’m glad to have had so many people in my life in the past year, and it was pretty crazy to see how everything has changed in the past year. Where I live, how I think, and what I hope to do in ministry, all of these have had such a big push.
In reflection, the last year was a lot of change. 2022 to 2023 gave me a huge personal development. I think I pushed a lot harder in the intentionally creative avenues that I was exploring, and also just really made a lot more effort to talk with people to listen more.
I’ve also spent a lot more time outside, and just breathing, existing. Learning how to give myself space to think has been very key.
I’ve been extremely grateful for a lot of people, namely Clarice for giving me a tremendous amount of love and helping me understand myself in so many ways. Gifford’s rushing of my house renovations, Mark and Boren for being friends who listened with no judgement and just was there a ton. For my parents who are living a lot closer now, and their presence helps me in many ways. For my ministry leaders and their autonomy in letting me do what needs to be done, but also for pushing me ahead. It continues to be such a great place to be at, and I can’t see myself working anywhere else.
Thank God for letting me live every single day. I’m still amazed that I’m not called out of this world just yet.
One day at a time.
I spent the whole day climbing today, literally from 1030ish until 6pm. We had a lunch break. Haven’t climbed this hard and this long for a long time, but at least I was getting better at some of the routes before our fingers just got too sore from all the climbing.
It’s actually kinda hard to type now because of all the typing and textures. But hey, at least I’m getting one complaint post up. lol.
I’m writing this post in a Starbucks in the middle of Singapore’s CBD area. It’s been some time since I sat down in town and just wrote stuff. I used to sit around this same area during the COVID time, and maybe the years before. There was a certain allure, and a thrill, excitement perhaps, of the mass of people before me.
The funniest part to all of this is that my own career paths have never actually needed me to be in the middle of town at all. There was a time where I would come to the city area to meet people, but never actually ever needing to work in it.
I don’t know if I still feel the thrill of the CBD area. As I’m writing this now, I’m watching the hordes of white shirts and blouses, the struts of power walks through the crowds. It’s somewhat draining now, a little depressing. It reminds me of the pressures and the stresses of people who are trying so hard to earn their salaries to survive their lifestyle choices. Or maybe they have their financial goals and people to support, myself included, because of the way my salary goes.
I hope that they get whatever dreams they are hoping for, because I can’t imagine working the way they do. It’s a difficult thing, a difficult thing indeed.
A range of things I have been wanting to figure out is who I am as a whole, and what makes me “me”. There’s a lot of ways of figuring this out, but most of the time, I just enjoy writing a journal, or keeping track of myself somewhere, somehow.
A few years ago, I went to see a counselor. One big reason was because of rage issues. I’ve got a deep sense of frustration that boils over suddenly. It affects everyone around me, especially loved ones, like Clarice and my parents. I realised at that time how important it was to communicate how I was feeling, and most importantly not to give in to the rage, because it would literally feed on itself. An angry person just gets more and more angry, and I say that from real experience.
While seeing the counselor, there were also other things that I started to think about, and it also led me to think harder about what I was feeling. One of those key feelings was my sense of control. I did not know, but I needed to be in control most of the time. Manifestations of this would be the need for the house to be in a certain way before I felt comfortable enough to relax, the need for things to be placed somewhere, and if it wasn’t I would feel deeply frustrated. Understanding that helped me to figure out also where I was willing to try and grow, and to change the way that I saw myself and saw the situation.
After a few sessions with the counselor, my job changed its pace, and eventually I also changed jobs. These changes were somewhat good for me, but one of key moments of learning was when I had my last rage incident. I got very very very upset, and in those moments, Clarice had to leave me alone for her own safety. I was not rational at all, and through that time, I had to really figure out who I wanted to become. Would I want to be this angry dude, or do I really want to be someone different?
I cooled down a lot after that session, and went to talk to a bunch of people about what I was feeling and what happened. Clarice also talked with me about it, and we worked through a lot of the hurts that I was thinking and feeling, and the hurts that I ended up putting on her too.
At the same time, it gave me a different perspective of Clarice, and how she was really trying so hard on so many other levels. She was working hard at work, she was trying to be as good a wife as she knew how to, and still I was being such a brat. It was quite crazy how big a change that was, because for some reason prior to that, I really don’t think I understood Clarice as well as I do now. I had to learn how to tell her what I was thinking, and ask her for actual help at the parts where I was struggling with. Through that, I think I learnt to also trust other people, starting with Clarice, because as part of the sense of control, I felt that I couldn’t trust myself to lean on her.
What a strange process I’ve placed myself through, over and over again, to find out that I need to depend and trust other people. There’s absolutely no way I would find out who I am on my own, and learning how to trust other people is really part of this process.
It’s been quite a while since my last blow up, and I’m quite confident I am a different person. It’s not the same person who was angry, and didn’t know how to control his anger. Now I have learnt my best superpower, which is to depend on someone else for all my frustrations and hurts. I mean I’ve definitely learned to lean on God, but also to lean on the people he provides in my life.
So a long about way to say how I’m learning to understand myself, is to say that I’m learning how much I need to depend on other people. Truly, a conundrum of life.
I’ve been trying to sort out how I want to approach and sell my art, and one of the key things that I’ve arrived at is the format of who I am.
One part of who I am is an Instigator. I want to make people do something, and it might be in a good way, or in a bad way. (Although instigator usually has a bad connotation to it.)(Also usually because I make people do embarrassing things)
Another part of who I am is an observer of patterns. I love to see a pattern in life, or to catch a puzzle piece that would fit across different contexts. Easiest way to see or hear this is through Puns. A pun works best when everyone knows the context and knows the misapplied context, and it’s funny.
A last part of who I am is somewhat of a cheapo. I mean I would pay well for things that deserving of my cash, but otherwise, as cheap as possible please! And that also means I love to do things by myself, like DIY.
Essentially, I think I’m giving myself the biggest headache on what I want to produce, but I hope it’ll work out anyway. After all, all capitalists will understand biggest bang for buck right. lol.
Since I’ve been gaming a bit more these days, I’ll share a little about how gaming used to be years ago. I’ve been quite inspired by a gaming podcast, and I think it’ll be fun to share what I used to do.
I was a broke kid, like every other broke kid out there. We’ve all gone through that time period when we were relying on our parents for cash and allowance, and then came the days when we were earning something of our own. As crazy as that sounds, we would then buy games with the little income we had, and starve for a good period of time. Or at least, I did that a lot.
There was a point where I was trying to get the most amount of games for the best pricing. I mean why else would we try to buy games, if not to play them one day, if any day at all.
I was also adamant that if I could afford games, I should be able to buy as original as possible, but with the biggest sale price. This meant that Steam Summer sales were really all the rage. It was quite fun because Steam would give you points and you could win a little bit of cash for clearing games and getting trophies or card packs.
Then came along this amazing thing called Humble Bundle. The current Humble Bundle looks very different from what I was used to. It was a service that collated a bunch of games, and sold them to you at a bulk price. It was like maybe 5 games and it would be 5 bucks at minimum. Soon after that it was bundles of about maybe 20 games, and the game collection just kept on growing.
I think one of the most fun parts of humble bundle was that it soon included comics and books, and I ended up reading a bunch of comics through that bundled means too.
Eventually, it became a lot bigger, and the bundles were more expensive. Then they sold games at slightly cheaper prices to Steam itself, and I decided that I didn’t really need to hitch on Humble Bundle anymore. Also my steam library was way too big by then.
I really enjoyed this process of getting games as well, because it was kinda curated for you. Some of my favourite podcasts were dying away slowly, the 1UP show and other older gaming podcasts, and I needed a fun way to find out new games that might pique my interest. It was good.
Now, I feel old because there are just so many gaming studios, and so many types of games. It’s huge, and its great, but it’s too much for a person like me. I love indie games as much as I love big name triple A games, and it was nice to get an assortment that seemed dependable at that time.
Actually the last few cold rainy days were quite some time away. But there’s always a certain dread in the cold rainy days. It’s hard to get out of the house cause you’ll most definitely get wet along the way. It’s hard to will yourself to get out of bed because it’s just so nice and warm and cosy.
But then again, I was remembering that I used to really embrace the cold days when I stayed at Jalan Minyak. It was a moment today when I had to peel off my old address and to stick on the new one, to state that I would officially find my place of residence here in Bukit Batok instead.
I remembered that I would find myself in pajamas even though I had no air conditioning. I would also be snuggled into bed, with dim lighting, and maybe playing a vinyl or two. There was just something really special about having life that way, and it was good on the cold rainy days.
But now it’s really just another cold rainy day again.
The dread to do work, because it’s so cosy. I say that, but I literally cleared so much work today. It was kinda nuts. Maybe it was because unlike before, now my work from home situation is quite well equipped to handle a whole range of things to do. I also find myself being quite happy to sit at my table and figure out what’s the next thing coming up.
Cold and rainy, but maybe there could be a new routine to develop.
I’m sitting in my pajamas now, and just typing away to end the busy day. I think I’ve done quite well today, and I’m happy if tomorrow would be similar. Maybe this would start a routine of it’s own, in this new place, in a new cold rainy day.
Today I woke up and remembered something that I had forgotten quite some time back. There was a time where I would put a new keyboard together before I started work. At that time, I think I was going through many things mentally, and this past week, I felt some of that old anxiety creeping back in. Building a keyboard everyday for myself was a real way for me to deal with that anxiety, by having something I could control, and it would distract me for at least half an hour before I would start my work.
Assembling a keyboard daily isn’t a task that everyone could do, or afford to do. In hindsight, I know that what I was doing was something almost completely unnecessary, and there were probably a million other ways for me to destress and get ready for the day. It was just that at that time, keyboard building was the sweet spot for me. I was also filming so much of my keyboard builds, and I think I really enjoyed the processes of making all that happen. It provided this means of escape, if just a little.
The deeper question to ask is about the anxiety I face. A lot of it had to do with the lack of control, despite being tasked to do something. I think I’ve transferred that action sometimes to my wife, by asking her to do something, but then completely limiting her on how to do it. It has to be done how I want it to be done. While sounding completely stupid, it makes sense sometimes. Not all the time, but sometimes. Like how to fry and egg. Or how to wipe a table down. It’s pretty dumb then, but I can get really picky and annoying about things like that.
But when it’s something a bit more vague and ambiguous, like to achieve a goal, or to perform in a certain way, there’s a lot of ways to get something done. When there are many ways to get something done, the buy in from everyone else needs to be there. And sometimes, in getting the buy in, compromises have to be made. But what gave me the most anxiety is when my work of hitting a specific goal, was tasked to me almost to the dot, and that gave me a lot of pressure, because I simply wasn’t being me.
Thankfully, my current work now embraces me as a person, and incorporates who I am into the workflow. It allows for the company to grow, and for me to also learn more comfortably about other people. But the anxiety that I felt was triggered a lot from the past, and I am glad to be reminded that I don’t have to work that way anymore.
In all this learning, I think the key point is to really let my wife do her own thing. 🙂
Today I spent some time with my friend, and just listening to him and how he is working through a really rough patch in life. I won’t share about his problems for sure, but I will share about what I learnt when I went through my own times of grieving and sadness.
I think I’ve gone through a lot of sadness, and in different forms. I’ve experienced grief from the passing of a loved one, the heartache of breaking up, the loss of a pet, moving and the change of where home is, alienation and exclusion, and the list goes on. It’s not a bad of honour, but it’s just the amount of things I was forced to learn at each of those times. I hated every moment of it, but I learnt the softness of my heart. I learnt how I can’t handle separation very well. It hurts for me to go through disunity. And I can’t stand the feeling of losing a pet.
One of the key things I end up asking myself is how I could have avoided the situation. How could I not feel sad? Is there a way to avoid it? What do I need to do to make sure I can avoid this feeling? In this whole portion, I also found out how avoidant I am about sadness, and the length I would go to to make sure that I don’t feel too sad. But with things like death, I don’t have much of a choice. I have learnt to accept death, though extremely painful.
The world is not a great place, and as much as a lot of people like to say that everyone in the world is just trying to make the world a better place, they’re just trying to make the world better for them, and it’s always at someone’s expense one way or another. That itself is a sad situation.
But directly dealing with things like grief and loss, I have learnt that it is actually common in the world. We are all sad creatures that are dealing with loss in one way or another. In fact, we’re losing time as I type this and as you read it. It doesn’t mean that I’m going to cry about it, but at the same time, I’m not really happy that I’m losing time. But I will cry about losing a friend, about losing a friend to death, and about losing animals to death too.
The way the person dies is almost irrelevant, I will feel sad the same way. It is the absence of the person. The distance of eternity of living and dead, and I can never speak with the person this exact same way ever again. Death is the worst because I just cannot do anything to link back up with the person ever again. There is no more connection. It hurts the most.
Perhaps God isn’t your term for this. But there’s this entity, after all your shouting and screaming, beyond the other sad people. There’s this person that you ask “Why did you take this away from me?”
This question to this entity, I call God, and I know as God. I ask Him often (I attribute male because I am male, but I assume gender as a human thing, not a divine thing), why do you allow humans to take away from each other? To murder, to steal, to take emotions away.
My answer from Him is usually because they can choose to give as well. As much as I am grieving from loss, I am also glad when receiving something. I am glad to to give sometimes, not all the time, because when I choose to give, I’m choosing to part with something.
This portion gets a bit more Christian, but bear with me, I’m just sharing what I learnt about God through my sadness.
This frames as well my idea of Jesus as a saviour, as God’s gift to mankind. It’s an imagery of God parting with Jesus. It is sad, it is hard. It is painful and difficult. But he gives Jesus to us for the sake of our futures. It is good to receive Jesus because I can later have a solving of a lot other brokenness because what having Jesus means.
It is painful, but God relates. It is separation. God relates.
Why, God? Because there’s something to learn from it.
It might never feel good, but I am learning from it.
I don’t know how to cheer people up very well, as you can tell. All I can ever say is, I know your pain, and I will cry with you. I am crying with you tonight my buddy. I hope it cheers you up a bit to know that.
Why, God? What do we have to learn today?
Started to write this at 1141PM on 2 Sep:
Today was a super long day. We spent the day at a wedding, and then Clarice and I both went to Artcade and Open Fields markets. These were pretty different markets, and I enjoyed myself there in a big way! By big, I mean that I spent a lot of money on a lot of things. Lol.
One of the realisations I had at these markets was the type of merch made, and the amount that was made. There was a LOT of things, like I think if you combined all the created work together, there would easily be over a hundred thousand types of artwork made. There was just so many things. Some things looked similar, but otherwise, there was really just so many. This overwhelming amount of things really made me feel like I had too many things to choose from, and maybe I chose quite randomly at the end of it all. The ones at Artcade were a lot more similar than the ones at Open Fields, in my opinion. Both had super different types of work, but really, there was just a lot of work produced.
Another realisation was the type of work I would like to produce. I don’t think I can produce at that quantity, and at that type of merchandising. There was just too many different types of things made, and I think some were smart, but some were just made to sell. It works if selling is the aim, but I think I place myself too idealistically, and I don’t want to just make things to sell. I want to make things that tell a story, and unfortunately, at markets, the feeling isn’t really to hear stories that much. I think the spot to tell stories would be at art galleries, but then there’s not much buying there I guess.
In any case, these two thoughts were going through my head, and I think they will direct the type of things that I make in the next few months, in the zines that I’m approaching to make. I hope to change the way I sell and the way I tell stories, and to also find a spot that makes the most sense for me, as trisected, as joel.
My thoughts weren’t meant to offend anyone, or to judge or critique. Just my thoughts for my own work and my own journey, shared on my own blog to express for how I thought through these things.
All in 10 mins!
Today we ran around a bit; I had forgotten to update my residential address, and ended up having to go to Jalan Minyak once again to do my voting. I saw my ex-neighbour’s son, the neighbours were in the hospital, because Uncle had some medical issues.
Going back to Jalan Minyak, it really hit me how much I missed this area and the joys of living in a smaller place, with less luxury. We had no air con, no heated water, namely because it just didn’t make sense to install the things with the idea that we were moving soon. But still it gave some reference to how the rest of our neighbours lived. At least we had space, which was also another luxury. Less space than what we have now, but still more space the people around us.
It sounds horrible, and it doesn’t make sense why I would miss any of it, but it was a quite a uniting thought to know that the people next to you weren’t in the best state and everyone was just trying to get by. It’s quite something when humans live through tough times together, due to whatever circumstances we’ve been put through. I don’t have that same uniting point with my neighbours currently. It doesn’t feel like we’re in hardship, other than just being absolutely far from the city center. We are united in that, and yet, no one talks on the train or the bus on the way to work.
But I remember the strolls from the supermarket back home with the aunties in the evening. I’d have my hands full of food for the dinner soon to be made, and the aunties also with their trolleys. I’d offer to help carry, but they would just shoo me away, and ask me to just walk with them and to let them carry it. We would walk up the hill step by step, and talk about life, talk about the next few days, maybe share tips about what we would cook for dinner and why.
I don’t have that here, maybe not yet.
Today’s consumption: Playing tons of Nier Automata, but also a lot of talking with parents. F1 weekend too, so that’s what’s going on in the background, along with the presidential election sample count.
I’ve got quite a few teams that I work with, and a lot of the time I can’t decide if the team is working together with me or not. Sometimes, I feel very conflicted, that by being myself, I end up messing with how things work. Other times, I feel like I’m the main one pulling it together.
Whenever I do personality tests, or maybe team work and working dynamic quizzes, I end up with this strong, independent personality, but much of the time, I actually just like making fun of people and things. There’s so much nonsense in how we choose to approach certain ideas, and I feel like it’s my responsibility to say what I think for the sanity of the other humans around us. Like do we even hear ourselves and what we’re saying sometimes.
In any case, I find that I do need quite a bit of discussion whenever I’m in a team, because I am listening and processing with all my tangents in mind. I am constantly trying to connect the dots too other dots. I’m not always thinking of solving the problem at hand, but I’m trying to solve as many problems at one go, and that solves that problem of work and life. Perhaps one day, I would be able to pull that thought together. Maybe that would be when I make the whole world friends with each other.
We all know that won’t happen, the same way we know that the projects we aim to take over the world won’t really happen either. But at least we can try.
Every time I write daily, I realise a few things.
One: I struggle to put work up everyday.
Two: I struggle with what kind of work I put up everyday.
When I’m writing daily like this current time again, I find myself pausing through the day to think what is worth writing about. I know that Casey Neistat shared about how he crafted the day to fit his storyline, including his meetings with people. It also meant he cut a lot of people out of his life, especially if they weren’t interesting enough.
Me, on the other hand, have moments of thought where I think would make for the world’s next philosophy. I mentally think through plans and revisions of it, and I think it’ll change the society we live in, and might get rid of poverty. I think it would revolutionise the social structures and traditions.
and then I come to the computer to type it out, only to find that I either can’t remember it, or if I made notes, the notes make no sense.
And there, I learn another thing in my daily writing
Three: I can really make a mountain out of a molehill sometimes.
Today’s book reading and music listening was:
Games:
I might try to update with these things that I’ve read and consumed through the day, it might lead to a bit more interesting blog updates. Which might lead to more interesting art, who knows?
I collect a lot of things, I’m careful not to say hoard, cause I do throw things away. I have collections of books, shoes, pens, games, inks, all sorts of things.
Collecting too many of the same thing has become something I watch out for, so currently, I’ve stopped collecting black t-shirts. I had written a few times about my black t-shirt collections, but I really have stopped. It’s quite a change now to have colorful clothing, but I still have a soft spot for my black tees. Thankfully, I’m wearing down some of them, and some are even becoming grey! The materials are pretty good, so there’s some wear, but not at the speed that I can really get rid of them entirely.
Which brings me to how I’m dealing with my collecting self: I’m trying to use things up
It sounds ridiculous, but usually I would save things and keep them. But now I’m just trying to use as much as I can.
Hopefully by the end of this year, I’ll be able to say that I’ve read X amount of books, and given away a few of them. Or that I’ve worn through my t-shirts and started on other things. Or just clearing games that have laid in my library unplayed.
Just one day at a time, and hopefully I’ll get over most of it.
Perhaps I should return to blogging everyday, because that really gave me a consistency of some sort. Along the lines of drawing weekly. That consistent discipline really made me develop in ways that I never really thought would happen. But it’s hard when I’m running around being busy all the time. I guess that’s no excuse, but hey, it’s real.
There’s something I’m thinking very hard about these days, and that’s the approach to society as a whole right now. Society’s such a big word, but is it really who we are? In the social media era, where diversity is celebrated, is it really a society that currently exists?
The current view of culture places emphasis of some above others. It’s not wrong, but it’s wrong to call it equal. I’m not referring to groups, but just the general approach that we’re taking. I’m not trying to make a stand for or against, but I’m just thinking about how we see the world now and the term of society that might need to be redefined.
I’m just thinking, and I’m trying to find the best words for it, but I’m just thinking still.
And that’s what’s on my mind in these modern times.
I don’t think I’ve ever thought I would have gotten this busy this year.
I’m in the middle of setting up three collab zine groups, and maybe even getting a fourth. I think at the start of the year, I didn’t even expect one to exist. And all this development was definitely not because I had the best ideas or because I had the best drive in the world, but I really think it was such a big series of incidents that I have to call it a divine action of God in my life.
I don’t shy away from the idea of miracles, because I do think the everyday life we see is largely dependent on that idea. It’s a miracle I get to wake up, considering the foods and liquids I’ve put into my body. It’s an even bigger miracle, considering the hard work I put it through whenever I try to work out when I’m clearly sick.
But when it comes to work, this work of having people coming together, I didn’t really think so well of it. I thought no one would come along, and I thought that it would have taken me a lot more time to develop one group, let alone three, and maybe four. I step back, and I do acknowledge that to be a clear moment where I personally see God’s hand in my life, orchestrating the people, and the situations in ways that I could not have had imagined. It’s pretty darn mindblowing, and it’s really not like I deserve it. It’s really not as if I was working so hard on my own, but I was really just doing what I think I was always doing, and God’s led many things to be put together.
Sure this busyness comes at a cost of what other work I could do; I’ve written a lot less here, and maybe sketched and drew even less. But the actual talking, and the actual people I get to meet make my lack of regular creative output a lot more worth it.
I don’t know what exactly to make of it. I know that I still make my YouTube videos every now and then. There’s a large part of me that really wants to produce things, and I have a crap ton of drafts hiding out in my room. The other day, my creative itch got so bad that I really just started painting with nothing in mind. That’s when i know something’s going to change drastically, creatively.
I wish I could have enough time and energy to handle the mental hurdles I have to go through, and still produce artwork at the same time. There’s a certain place my mind has to be, for me to really find my place creatively. It’s that tap that’s just leaking water at a slowish rate, but the moment you put pressure at the opening, it spurts out. It’s the same water rate, but the pressure makes everything come out so much faster.
If you have a hose, and angle it, you might even get a rainbow.
I think that’s what I’m trying to do: to get my creative rainbow after I put some pressure on myself.
But maybe busy is good for now, and whether I like it or not, it’s putting the pressure on, and it’ll make the creative rainbow come out somehow.
I spent the weekend watching two documentary/biography pieces. One was Anthony Bourdain’s Roadrunner, and the other was Bohemian Rhapsody, covering Queen’s rise to fame. The Queen one definitely had Freddie Mercury as the main character. Both shows had some very interesting themes about the human condition and where one finds themselves as a creative.
The loneliness that one faces at the height of fame was something both men had faced. The fame gave them this public image that society was so unwilling to leave aside. In essence, that really becomes the irony of fame: everyone knows you, but yet no one knows you at the same time.
How lonely that must feel, to have sought after acclaim of excellence, only to find yourself unable to be the person you would like to be, or to be loved by the people you hoped to be loved by. The fame that was sought after at the start consumes, or it seemed to have changed the person so much.
Which makes you really question the place of fame and that success that many seek after. Is it really worth it at the end of the day? That hope and sense of excellence, does it really exist?
Another thing that Anthony Bourdain had shared about was this sense of deep sadness inside. Personally, I understand that in so many ways. I feel the frustrations of the world, and this sense that the world does not fulfill itself in any way. Maybe it’s the system, or there lack of. It’s people, it’s the sinful nature of the world, it’s the brokenness. It’s sadness, it’s dissatisfaction, it’s just a mess.
I don’t know if I’ll ever stop feeling the sense of it, but I know that for me, the only way it will ever move past is with my focus on other people, and definitely on God. And it has to be the Christian God, because of the place and purpose of where God and Human beings come together. The key relationship between both that is so well explained in the bible, is really one of God and creation, and it makes the most sense for me.
It’s not about finding rights, or justifying your emotions, but it is about the journey of reliance, and being very well aware of the overall creator. I find that my place in that story is where it should be. It makes even more sense when you tie it to the issue of fame that was just mentioned. If fame was the toxic drug that takes away so much from life, then it’s best that only one person receives this very hard and difficult gift. It should remain with and be with the only who deserves it because he can handle the position of it.
I don’t think I seek fame, but I think I seek a legacy of some sort. I seek to have messages and stories to tell after I’m gone. I think that might be the only reason I keep on leaving this blog on, and coming back to it every now and then to write posts. Maybe these posts would be best understood in the context of my life. Maybe I should try to do an autobiography so that I could also understand myself in my own process.
Maybe one day.
and maybe I would also find out the place of writing in my life, in its most appropriate form. Perhaps at that point, the book, a book, would come out too.
Interestingly enough, in my church, I’m not widely known for my art and design anymore. That’s not a bad thing to me, because sometimes I don’t know if I could match the tastes of my church’s preferences. Instead, for the past few years, I’ve been doing a lot of talking and relationship building work. I’ve had to do talks on how people think and how they communicate, and funny enough, I learnt a lot of it from the visual communication topics that I’ve had to do in school, and things around that.
I guess at the heart of it, it’s almost always how we respond to each other that counts the most. The relational part of life trumps a lot successes.
But that doesn’t mean that I give up my art and my design experiences either. It’s just a lot of balancing of what I actually do and what I am competent with. That line is difficult to tread. But maybe just like my sketching work that grew over the years, I might be able to do art a lot more than what I would expect of myself right now.
There’s a lot that I think about during the day, but I found out in my teenage years that I feel a lot too. There’s good and bad things to feel about. A good thing to feel would be the sympathy for stories in the news. Something goes wrong and an accident occurs, and I feel sad. A friend shares their sorrows, and I grieve with them. Then there are bad things to feel. Not bad, but just not worth my emotions. Like when I read a book, and then I dive into this weird world of feelings, and I can’t get out of it, until I finish the book. Then the feelings resolve, because the story resolve.
But now in my thirties, I don’t know how I really feel at times. I think I am hiding a lot more sadness and grieving. For family and friends who have passed away. For friends of friends, or family of friends, that affects me too. There are moments where these feelings peak from under the covers, and I find myself crying a bit too much at certain moments.
Perhaps its about sharing my emotions. I’m not sure when they should be shared, and now with my wife, I feel like I can share a lot more often. I feel like they might leak out because they will eventually come out when I talk with her. I know that sharing emotions of joy and happiness is easy for everyone to deal with, but at the same time, sadness is one that is a lot more common than happiness.
I’ve got some deep feelings about something that I can’t write about yet.
It’s sad, like a big sad. Like a whale sized pimple of a feeling that is deep inside my heart, and it’s aching from the soreness, but at the same time it’s not popped. That sounds disgusting a bit, but I guess the feelings attached to this situation is deep and painful. It’s not gross, but just a deep sadness.
Also, I guess because I’m sharing this sadness, hopefully this means that I’m not actually depressed. I mean I’m pretty sure I’m not depressed, but I know that I’m sad inside at this time.
But on top of all this, I’m happy and excited that work is picking up in big ways. That one everyone can understand, so I don’t have to relate too much. No imposter syndrome, some anxiety, but mostly a sense of general happiness and excitement to get some work going.
Maybe it’s time for a personal work of art to finally start because there’s so many things to feel for.
I’ve been reading a lot, and there’s a common thread that has been coming up. It’s about the things that one collects, and ends up hoarding over time. The value is definitely in the eye of the beholder, but at the same time, there’s a real issue because of the amount of baggage stuck behind as someone thinks about the things they have, and they never seem to know where to start.
I think I’m definitely facing some, or a lot, of that.
I think it’s come to a point where I read about the character in the book, and I resonate with the frustration of the person. I even picture myself as that person, because of the exact words used. Things like “this is an archive”, or “this is meant for a project”. I’ve had so many projects that have really not taken the shape or form that I’d have expected.
And yet I still get more things.
It goes beyond; it goes to the way that I think of money and the things that I do with it. It’s not really about spending the money, but what do I do with the things that I have after I’ve gotten them? I am happier for that time, but in all truth, I just have more things to deal with too. That’s another set of challenges that I pile on.
I’m really thinking also of the ways that I need to plan ahead, and the things I would hope to have. “If only I had some space…” That’s answered simply by throwing things away. But I get stuck at the decision fatigue, and I think about resorting back to the KonMarie method, and to just do some deep decluttering.
The competing thought to all this is really: what is my art about? What is my artist message?
These things are not me, but at the same time, they are the expressions of what I like in the world. And what I like in the world is also part of what I like to express.
That’s my current competing thought, but maybe this whole thing in itself is part of my artist message.
And maybe that’s what I want to express.
I’ve been hiding away from my writing here for some time because I think I have started to lose the answer to this question right now. This is not specific to my blog, but more for my creative self as a whole. I think I am questioning the purpose of why I make, especially as I start to plan and prepare for more. Along with that, I’m also thinking about the audience: will anyone like my work? Will it sell?
I’ve really only had to think of that since doing the fair. It feels like the times before this when I was just drawing for fun, and putting it on instagram as my personal small gallery, those times were really just a distant dream. I guess there’s always a space and time to do things like this. It’s easier managing a brand, or something where is clearly made to sell. But when it’s me, then who am I selling it to? Am I even selling?
That’s really where my mind is at right now. I have ideas of expansion on the coffee bag zines. I could plan them for a seasonal release. But at the same time, there’s really gonna be a whole bunch of stuff that I would end up making, and I don’t really want to hold on to so many things. It would create so much stock at home.
I also really just wanna make things for fun, not to sell them, or to have some sort of art career. Maybe that’s the art career I want, the one that allows me to do all the disciplines that I find interesting and attractive, and that’s the one that I think I should work towards.
Maybe at the end of the day, I’m the real audience. Some what, slightly, completely self serving. But if I don’t make the work that I think is interesting, or that represents me at some core level, then how would I approach the later times when I’ll really need to apply myself as an artist to the world around me.
But the honest question that I asked myself before still remains: how do I show and bring hope through the art that I do. Is it even possible to?
I think I’ll try my best to approach it with hope, even though hope really seems so far away sometimes.
There are quite many moments of the design journey where I sit down and ask myself, why do I do work for people, and what about the work that I want to do? Then there are times like now, where I’ve done work that I want to do, and that I enjoy doing, and yet, it makes me feel like I should have done something else or done something more.
But if I never got started doing, and just published whatever I was at, then I wouldn’t be able to know for sure. It’d just be a continual dream that never ends. At least now I know for sure what I like, and even though it was tiring, I do prefer making things on my own, and that people just buy off me straight.
I need to think about how to start making prints, and to start selling my drawings and print work straight.
I attempted to run every day last week. I started the run at about 630AM, and would run for about 2KM. I was training myself on running slower, and at the same time to run consistently everyday. I did get used to it, but on Saturday I had intentionally planned not to run, as I had a long day, but I still needed to get up early. On Sunday (today), my mind was awake at 630, but I had also planned for another rest day, so I slept in.
This coming week, I’m planning to wake up slightly earlier. This would give me a bit more time to run more. I’m hoping to hit about 4-5KM in this time. If I manage to hit 6KM I would be quite happy, but it will take a bit more exact punctuality.
Currently, other than being absolutely awake by the time I leave the house, there’s no real physical benefit I’m feeling. Perhaps I might be a bit more energetic through the day, but I have been having very busy days for the past week. The early morning run is mostly a very physical alarm bell for myself.
I have been running the entire week in Nike Pegasus 39, which has the thickest tongue of all my running shoes. Not a big fan of them, but I am testing out this fan favourite of daily running shoes. The way the sole responds to my foot makes my outer parts of my feet hurt as I run. I will be attempting to have some variations in the shoes as I run through the week, but I am hoping to also adjust my lacing to suit my run better a bit.
Tomorrow I will give my feet a break though, and run in my Nike Zoom Fly 4, which are firmer shoes, but I feel the carbon plate as a much preferred landing material over the foamy Pegasus ones now.
15-19 May 2023
Making a change on where this blog would be placed on the site really affects the way I think about updating it. Previously, I’d just be faced with it straight up, and I’ll be thinking of blogging every day. But now that I’m tucking it away under a blog tab, it’s really something else to think through.
I guess another good thing to consider is the rest of the site, and the pages on it. I will be aiming to give it some life, and to change things up a bit there. It’s something I should be developing for sure, and constantly updating.
Change is hard when its on things that have become familiar. Like the placement of this blog, I was familiar with it. Now that I’m not, it’s hard to get back to it. I changed my schedule this week too, to start running, and making some headway into my physical training and health again. It’s taken a lot out of me to wake up earlier everyday, but at least I know that I’m making some progress onto it.
Change is easy when there’s less effort involved. Not doing something is easier than doing something. Worse still when not doing something allows you to enter into an extremely comfortable state. I find myself so easily slipping into lazy routines, and just making my own state of being extremely relaxed.
But I guess I will write here all the more for myself, and my own actions of change. Hopefully this would help my own self think through my own things, and maybe that would lead to some positive change for the things i have to do.
I don’t think it’s super easy to describe what happens when you step into a role of leadership. Or how it is when you have to gather a group of people and convince them that you’re doing it right, and they should be listening to you.
Let me attempt to describe it:
It is impossible. Most of the time.
I’m usually found in a place of leadership. Not because I want to, but because I am talking too much, and people either like what I am saying, or they don’t like it, and they want me to be in front so that others can also disagree with me publicly. The trouble to this is that I am usually unafraid of speaking in front, and more often, I am convinced that my thoughts would win more people over from my presented thoughts and opinions.
I don’t think this always equates to being a leader, but it is not hard thereafter to tell everyone that they ought to follow what I’m saying, because I’m there talking about it.
In that sense, I think I can lead.
But in other forms of the word: I often think of leadership as the man in front of the army, commanding a thousand men behind him to rush the enemies in front. I think of the presidents, and ministers, saying things that they might not have a clear idea about, but still presenting it in hope to rally the people.
That sense of leadership is somewhat hard for me to grasp, because I don’t necessarily agree with an organised group to the extent of a government. It’s not that I don’t agree with the government, its more like I question the need and the purpose of it. But that being said, I can’t imagine being that kind of leader. Perhaps because the need and purpose question is not something I have worked out.
So I am trying my best, in the places where I am at, to lead by example.
Sometimes when I look through the hobbies I follow, I chance upon the people who also like the same hobby. It sounds obvious enough, but sometimes when I see the other people who like raw denim for example, it gives me a bit of a shock. It’s not that they’re not nice people, or that I’m being overly judgemental. I think I’m just used to seeing Japanese people wearing Japanese denim, with their slimmer stature. But the truth of it is everyone else is also wearing Japanese denim, who don’t look Japanese, including myself.
It happens with mechanical keyboards sometimes too. I watch so many YouTube videos, and think that everyone will look like Taeha Types or Alexotos, but they actually don’t. I mean even I don’t look like them.
These sound a bit silly in observation, but the key point is that there’s really no external proof of someone to be interested in a hobby to look a certain way. It means two things: it means that gatekeeping based on appearances should not be the case. It also means that just because someone is interested in something, they don’t need to change who they are about it and they can still stick to the hobby.
And yet, sometimes these are really hard concepts to apply practically…
So I started do some adjusting around the site as a whole, kinda to get myself a bit more visibility in the right areas, or so I hope. The blog will still be a blog, and I’ve got a clear link for it now.
But instead, all other areas are a bit more defined.
Basically I just arranged my front page in a certain way so that it wouldn’t assail you with my thoughts and emotions from the get go. I actually did all this because of something that I’ve been thinking hard about: how much hard work am I putting in?
I honestly feel like I’ve been trying to cruise at what I’m pretty good at. Like writing, or just coming up with ideas. I can do that all day, almost without any effort. That also means that I can afford to “not feel like it” most of the day. Because I could crash something out really fast.
But having to work at web design (which I can do but I suck at), or design as a whole (which I enjoy, but I can’t do well), these things take a bit more out of me. I also don’t mind making friends with strangers, but having to sell them something I don’t completely understand also feels strange to me. Which is why I rework my art programs looking for perfection, but honestly it’s just a bit too much to keep on at it without actually starting something going.
So I’m working on the site, in hope that I direct myself to something more feasible. It also makes me work harder, which I haven’t done in a long time.
Maybe actually for years…
But yeah, it feels good, and you’re getting to see parts of the result of it, like on the website.
It feels great!
There’s always so much work that could be done, and sometimes getting started is difficult, but I always think that maintaining is the hardest. Here are some thoughts I am having, as I try to motivate myself through my own afternoon humps.
Digging deep to find why I’m doing something is always helpful. It makes me think harder about why I’m doing something, and I try to develop a bit more value to the task at hand. It needs to outweigh the value of the distraction, which is usually quite easily discarded as distractions.
But sometimes the distractions help you to find the value of the task at hand. Like having some mediocre coffee always reminds me that there’s better coffee elsewhere. That gives me some energy to try and wake up earlier the next day so that I can actually make better coffee.
Similarly for work, sometimes the breaks are seen and perceived as a waste of time. This might work positively, because I wouldn’t want to waste my time would I? Instead, I might want to focus more on the work I have, and making that more valuable.
The social aspect to work is always key. I find that days when my colleagues are also working hard, it is easier to remind myself to keep on at it. But on other days, especially after big meals, everyone might distract each other not to work. So the friends around also play a part on how we feel about doing the work.
Most of the time, having someone around that is willing to work, and to keep with the work, that makes for a good experience of working. I also find it a bit more motivating when there’s a clear time of play after. For example, sometimes I would go work with friends, and we would go bouldering after that. I would intentionally try to finish my work quicker, or with a lot more focus, so that the play later is more stress free.
Close to motivations; I find that meeting the people who would be receiving my work is always a good reason to keep my focus on the work. Sometimes it might be a client, other times it might be students or people I am mentoring. Meeting them straight would also give me a bit more alignment, and even help with my own ideas and how I generate them.
This one always works. Breaking down the day into small tasks that I can mark off as the day goes on. For some reason, having clear indicators of what I am doing and what is done helps me to get more work done faster. Psychological maybe.
Just a short post today, with some short points. I’m just really distracted with my own work and decided to make something positive out of my distractions. Clearing off my daily blog post 🙂
Some days start off real bad.
Like today, I had left my earphones at home. I took a really crowded bus to the train station, and then a really close encounter with a couple who had no sense of personal space. It got me kinda flustered, but it just piled on that the day felt like it was going downhill.
But after lunch, it was moment after moment of brilliant coincidences. People that I haven’t met for ages appearing, and I had introductions to people I would not have had the pleasure of meeting if I was alone. These moments took me by surprise, and I was glad to be there.
I was so close to giving up today, and just going back home. The day started out bad, what proof did I have that it would get better? Was there any objective difference I knew of that would change things dramatically for the rest of the day? Nope, no proof, no nothing.
But thank God, because the day changed in such an amazing way, that I was left speechless, and I’m still extremely glad that I did not go home, and I made the effort to stick around.
It felt like God was giving me an encouraging nudge, a pat on the back.
I don’t usually write with such a strong Christian influence, but I have no other way to explain today. Sudden alignment of the universe? Sure. I’ll take that, and I’ll also go another step to say that I know the one who aligned it for me.
I thought to put this down somewhere before I forget, and also because it seems that I’m taking too long to do a video/long post about the whole trip.
On the first day, we arrived at the airport, and found that Grab was the main form of transport now. It was a busy scene at the airport with many other taxi drivers, locals and foreigners trying to get themselves out of the airport region and towards the city, or whichever city and street they were staying at.
Essentially, we stayed within a nice area of town about 2-3KM wide. The main street we stayed on was Ly Tu Trong. Later we found out at a museum that Ly Tu Trong was actually a boy who died during the revolutionary wars. He died at 17, as a revolutionary martyr, and his boyish form is spotted in the different museums.
As soon as we arrived, we went to the travel agent, a short walk away from our hotel Sanouva, and got ourselves some money changed, and tickets for our activities the next few days. Unfortunately, because we arrived on the 30th of April, it was the actual independence day of Vietnam. 1st of May would be labour day, and a lot of shops and tour locations were closed. So we booked tickets for the Cu Chi Tunnels on Tuesday the 2nd. We also booked for the Water Puppet Show, after touring the tunnels. Settling our plans, we walked a little further down to a family restaurant that had a lot of local dishes, but priced a bit higher than the usual roadside pricing of Ho Chi Minh. During dinner, the F1 Baku Grand Prix started, and I tuned myself to start watching the race, even though it was running on my data. Later I went back to the hotel to try the WiFi there, but it seemed to go against the programming of the app, so I still ended up using data roaming anyway. I also managed to pick up a beer before I headed back to the hotel, and my in laws went around the Ben Thanh Market for an evening stroll, and the hope to catch some fireworks later in the night.
We slept to the sound of the fireworks of the independence day, and awoke to a bright morning with the Vietnamese sun rising at about 5AM. Outside our hotel, a number of street hawkers were preparing breakfasts, and we had some Banh Mi, a delicious cold cut sandwich, and brought that to a local juice bar around the corner. It was called Juceciti, and it had an extremely kind owner who made all the juices with much love. Also he allowed the hawkers around his shop to bring food into his shop. This gave everyone a great time of sitting and enjoying his very cool juice bar, and also having their local food.
We went over to the war museum, where the front yard was littered with war machines from the American Vietnam war. Helicopters, tanks, armored vehicles were all on its front lawn. Inside, a building held all the memories of the pains and hurts of the country, inflicted by the American soldiers. It was a gruesome sight, and made the reality for a lot of the war movies I had watched growing up.
After that, we made our way to the Bitexco tower, where we went to the 49th or 50th floor. A panoramic view of the city below us, and we spotted all the old and new buildings of Ho Chi Minh. The rivers that flowed around and through the city were also beautiful, and extremely crowded.
Coming down from the tower, we made our way to the Cafe Apartments, but along the way, we stopped over at a bookstore and picked up some English books. They had a pretty interesting selection for a good price, and I ended up buying 3 books. We walked over to the Cafe Apartment after that, full of cafes and restaurants, and found some lunch and tea for ourselves. My in-laws left to see the casino, and Clarice and I spent the rest of the afternoon at the building, exploring many things. We took a nice stroll back to the hotel, and napped, before going out again to the same area at night.
We had dinner at a mall in the city area, and it was quite a fun local dinner again. It was the mall that was the mark difference this time, and it looked like a Singaporean mall, one with all the brands plastered around it. Had a great dinner, and we walked off towards our night spot.
The street we saw in the morning and afternoon was empty in the heat of the day, but at night, it was a vibrant and crowded spot. Locals and foreigners were crowded in the area, looking for a place to observe the sights around us. We walked around a bit, and slowly tried to make our way back to our hotel. We decided to try walking back, and it was a fun experience of seeing a lot of the street from the day, but darkened by night instead.
The next morning, we had breakfast in the hotel, and got ourselves ready for a day out at the Cu Chi Tunnels. A two hour bus ride with a bus load of other tourists, and we found ourselves in the middle of the forested areas that once was a warzone. We spent a good two hours in these areas, learning the history of the place, and I also started listening to an audiobook called The Sympathizer, about a double agent during the Vietnam war. It made so many of the scenes so real for me.
Coming back to the city, Clarice and I decided to try explore more of the city and have lunch at a vegan restaurant. We were determined to try find a range of vegan options, or vegetarian at least, because the food seemed to be extremely tasty. We strolled around a bit more, and went back to rest before our water puppet show that night.
We had Pho for dinner, at a famous Pho shop called Pho 2000. Apparently Bill Clinton had come by for a bowl in the years before. We weren’t anywhere that famous, but it was still good fun to try the Pho that he ate. I thought it was simple tasting Pho, and might have had better ones elsewhere. It still filled me up for dinner in any case, and I tried their Creme Caramel for dessert. I found out later that most of their Creme Caramels tended to have more burnt caramel than just sweet.
The water puppet show was very exciting. I was quite impressed by the control of the puppets through the water, and it was worth the watch, despite a very dingy theater experience. The guests were also horrible, constantly using their phones to record, or just sitting in a way that blocked everyone else behind them. But it ended nicely, and we strolled back to our hotel, stopping by an orchid flower fair at a nearby park. I picked up some water and drinks with my father in law before crashing for the night.
On our third morning, we had steamed rice noodle rolls, or Chee Cheong Fun, as we commonly call them. The vietnamese variation had meat and some fungi placed inside, and it tasted great! After that, we decided to attempt a recommendation coffee place from our friends, and it was a jazz bar. Funny enough, nothing in the coffee shop appealed to my in-laws, and after our coffees, we were out, and started heading towards the Revolutionary Museum just around the corner.
After understanding the Vietnamese fight against the French, we went over to the Post Office, which still works as a post office, but also a place for souvenirs. Next to it was the Book Street. There were nice places to sit down and read books, but most of the bookshops were in Vietnamese, as they should be.
We took a short Grab trip to the Fine Art Museum, clearing through generations of fine arts of Vietnam in an hour, including sculptures of all sorts. The intense hour left us a bit overwhelmed, so Clarice and I went for a short walk to find a few other cafes, while the rest of the family went back to the hotel for a short rest.
My father in law very determinedly brought us to eat seafood in the evening, and we walked through streets of extremely loud party music, and everyone calling out for us to join their bar and their dance floor. Thankfully, we found our seafood store, and had an awesome night of crab, shellfish, and other kinds of seafood. It was delicious Vietnamese barbecued seafood. We walked back to our hotel again, and strolled along the way and almost got Clarice a nice helmet for her future cycling adventures. Unfortunately, they didn’t have her size.
The next morning, we had more juice at Juice citi again, and Clarice and I went around to another cafe to explore. After all, we were leaving the country that very afternoon. It was the 15th day of the lunar calendar that Vietnam was following, so they gave us some mandarins as part of our cafe moment there. After that, we walked around the gardens in front of the Independence Palace, arranged in beautiful French fashion, and circled our way back to the hotel.
We packed up, grabbed one last bowl of Pho, and made our way to the airport, only for our flight to be delayed by an hour. We arrived back in Singapore later than expected, and tremendously hungry, about seven hours since our last meal. After eating at the airport, we went home separately, and I went for a short jog before falling asleep for a good long rest.
What a holiday, and what a packed 5 days we had. It was all in all a great experience and I wouldn’t mind traveling for a short trip there again.
I have this there where I like getting new things. I mean that in every way, just brand new items, fresh out of the box. Going for new experiences not so much, but items and objects that are new are definitely up my alley.
At the same time, I really like things that are ages old. Like it took me years to throw away my math text books from my secondary school days (14-16 years old). I keep and collect things that can’t be found anymore, because I just like the rarity of things.
But when it comes to having more things, sometimes I have to ask myself, do I really need it? What’s wrong with what I have right now, and am I content with these things?
All the minimalism stories on YouTube would explain these things in much better ways, but I would suggest somewhat of an alternative.
I don’t think anyone will ever be. There’s something about humanity and about humans, and we want to do things, make things, have things. I remember when I was getting into mechanical keyboards, there were nights where all I heard were the sounds of typing and switches being activated. In branding, marketing, advertising, the whole premise is to help other companies get more and more. Influencers are telling us that the lifestyles they have are achievable if we try this and that.
So why bother pretending that we’re ok with what we have, when actually sometimes we’re not even content with how content we are?
It’s a fine line of being a complete neophile (person who loves new things, not dead people), and the other end to be a hoarder stuck in the past. But even the hoarder is not content, that’s the whole point of why they hoard. They don’t think they’ll ever have enough, and so they keep as much as possible.
I am ok to admit that I’m not content, because honestly there’s a lot of things that I want more of, or that I’m looking forward to. Sometimes these things are improvements, sometimes they are alternatives.
I’m not ungrateful for the opportunities and the things that I’ve received. I’ve lived a great life so far, from all my sharing and comparison with friends. I’ve definitely been blessed beyond measure, and I would attribute that to God. These items or these new things that I’m looking for, they are just a small part of life.
I don’t think having things are key to my happiness, and I think contentedness is also not linked to happiness. It could affect it a bit, but it’s not the basis of my happiness for sure. I would say contentedness affects my willpower, or my drive for what I want.
Some of these thoughts were from the Vietnam trip for sure, seeing the distinct old and new. I observed this want for new things, and the keeping of old at the same time. It made the city look haphazard almost, but still producing a local charm. I do think most of us would be able to find a similar personal charm while balancing our wants and needs. But I do think we lose it when we try to live our lives to some inhumane standard of life that no one really can live by. Some idealistic worldview that produces a non-consumer; but in essence, we’re definitely consumers as humans. Might as well embrace that part of us, and learn the other parts of ourselves too.
Today’s a specific topic, just to give myself a bit more time to think about what I want to say about my Vietnam holiday. It’s actually F1 race season, and last weekend at this time, I was watching some of the craziest practice races on the Baku circuit. On Sunday, after arriving in Vietnam, I actually burst my data roaming watching the Grand Prix. Despite the consistently crazy practice races, and the sprint race as well, the actual race had no red flags. This means that through the entire race, there was no stop because of a crash or another. The teams were hoping that there would be a crash of some sort, but nothing happened, and instead, two teams reached the end of the race before sending their cars in for the required pit stop by FIA.
This week in Miami looks completely different, in terms of the circuit itself. It looks super fun and relaxing, and maybe it is, but I finally understand that Miami colorway that so many keyboards have applied on their colors.
But I digress. The point of today’s blog is about how I keep myself productive, while being glued to the screen, watching every single lap that the sports channel gives me. I actually don’t do anything else but watch F1 for the hour or so. It’s one of my most focused times, and I find myself being having laser focus throughout. It’s exciting and I enjoy it.
After the race is over, I become this sort of super productive person. I feel like every second matters, because I’ve just watched multi million dollars worth of automobiles circle laps for literally milliseconds off each other’s timing. If that doesn’t teach you the value of money, I don’t know what else would.
As I say this, I’m also aware of the amount of time I do waste. I’ve been having mornings scrolling through social media, just browsing, and in the name of researching trends and culture. My strategy to record things fall through, and for those moments, I just drop off for a bit. I come back to my work with this distracted mind, and sometimes I don’t come back. I end up whiling hours away, watching something on YouTube (recently NewJeans), or Netflix (recently Blacklist).
Perhaps my research needs to actually come to some limits, and perhaps like an F1 race, I ought to give myself some very strict rules, so that every second counts. Because that’s the truth of it: every second does actually count.
The last time I went to Vietnam was 2009. 30 July to 10 August to be precise. I also went to a very different part of Vietnam. At that time, it was still a developing city. I can’t really share the full details about what I was doing, but there were people following our group around officially in that time. This was at the start of smart phones, but it also meant that not many people had access to smart tech. It was a really different time and season.
Fast forward to the trip I just came back from. The place was swarming with Grab riders. Previously, you would need to hail someone down and trust that they would understand you and take you where you need to go. Not in modern day. We were booking rides from our Grab app (South East Asian version of Uber), and these verified taxi operators or motorcyclists would bring us around. This alone was a huge jump from past times, where taxi drivers would receive commissions for driving guests to different souvenir shops.
Just one of many huge changes to a place like Vietnam.
I visited Ho Chi Minh city this time, previously known as Saigon. Ho Chi Minh was the founder of modern Vietnam, the one who fought for independent rule away from the French, and then later against the Americans. There is so much history behind it, and I’ve watched a few too many war movies to know that it was not a great war for the Americans. There were so many war crimes done against a group of people with a lot less resources, and the city of Ho Chi Minh remembers the past well.
It also embraces a lot of the future. The advertising and the approach of global brands were there: Uniqlo, Muji, Nike, H&M, Zara, and the list goes on. Coming from Singapore, some of these malls looked like variations of the many malls that we already have. As much as it looked like progressive capitalism, it also showed a certain sense of wanting to join in the rest of the world, with the growing sense of globalism. There were TikTokers in the Vietnamese gardens, decked out in some serious drip, and also dripping in sweat (I think). I was constantly damp with sweat anyway.
One of the most interesting buildings we went to was the Cafe Apartment. This gentrified building sat in the middle of a more premium district, with some performance areas amongst other things. A very decorated facade of the building, full of signboards and outdoor balcony areas for coffee drinking and photo taking. Every floor of the building had cafes, shops, and still had some residential units. The pricing of these coffees were bumped up to a premium too, and matched the pricing of cafes in Singapore even. Singapore is one of the most expensive cities in the world, if not the most.
The pricing doesn’t reveal the state of the people, as much as it shows the expected travel and affluence that the city hopes to capture. In the global world, it’s the internet that sees and wants to travel. States and governments are really in a different place of authority, or at least that’s how it seems to be moving towards. The commonplace of the English speaking internet allows for subcultures to travel in the most interesting ways. There’s a break from tradition and expectations, and instead, there’s an embracing of the new and unique.
Much like how mechanical keyboards, watercolors, and sketching has given me a chance to speak with people that I’d never have met, globalization of the cities have given access for young people to skip past layers of communication, and we can talk together because of social media as a our main access point. Physical meeting has become an authentication of the virtual person that we meet, but because the virtual person is so public, it demands more authenticity. I probably need to reserve this topic for another post, I’m going a lot more reflective than I thought I would.
In any case, I rate the trip a 4/5 stars. The lacking star is from the heat, but everything else was great. The food was awesome, and the places to visit and see were also very interesting. Tonnes of history, and a lot of culture brought forward and mingled together.
I’m pretty sure we’ll definitely go back again!
I thought I managed to schedule all my posts before I flew, but apparently not! I missed yesterday, but I’m back in Singapore now. Funny enough, the temperature of Vietnam was hotter, but it felt a bit different. Maybe it was the holiday vibes, and the fun of not doing anything.
I had many great ideas and thoughts on my break, as I always do on all my breaks. One of the key things I ought to start is definitely doing some more voice overs in my videos, amongst a range of other things. It’s a lot I’ve got to work on, but I think it’s something everyone appreciates a lot more. I’m not very shy about my voice overs, I speak quite a bit. But I think it’s the part on having to speak and time it as I do my video cuts. I think that’s a bit of the tough part.
Keyboard videos aside, I had a great time sketching and drawing. I think every time I drew something, it showed different parts of my own sketching and drawing styles. It was quite enjoyable, every page being almost completely different, but still me.
Anyway, more updates tomorrow. The flight got delayed and I’m writing this just before the day ends and fall asleep real soon.
Along one of my early morning runs, I chanced upon a girl reading a book along the Singapore River. A Caucasian lady, sitting on some of the cement benches, dressed for a holiday for sure. She sat there in the sun, with her sunglasses and in a sun dress, just enjoying the morning moment reading. I was running because I was quite free that day too, but I just felt very envious of her being able to read in the day like that.
The skate morning I had a few days back was an attempt at something like that. I actually brought some of my morning routine things with me to do at the skate park, and read the Bible there. The sun was great, really bright actually. It was great.
I used to read a lot when I was on my holidays when I was younger. As my hobbies started to grow, I would start to draw, or walk, or go shopping, instead of finding those moments to just sit down and read.
I remember reading at Margaret River – in Perth, Australia. There were some books I had picked up at the airport, and I was reading them at the AirBnB or the motel that we were staying at. I was trying my best to rush and finish the book because it was so exciting. Then I picked up another few more books at some second hand stores as we drove along the different Western Australia.
I hope in the coming years, I’ll learn how to pick up that habit again. I know that I’ve got more hobbies still, and more gadgets, and more things on my hands that just take away reading time. But I am still envious of that girl sitting along the Singapore river, reading in the sun on her holiday.
Also I am on book 8/52 for my reading challenge this year. My hope is to make at least half way there this year. Last year I hit 10 books, and was deeply disappointed with my reading. I read fast, but not enough! Hopefully I clear some books during the coming trips, on budget airplane rides.
One of the more interesting points that Shou Chew from TikTok expressed on the talk was about how the platform rewards those with talents.
Initially, I thought this quite a lot of nonsense, especially because the kind of videos that get recommended to me for things like keyboards and the like, can actually be quite simple, and not very special. Or at least I struggle to see where the talent is.
After some thinking through, I do think this is quite real. It does take quite a lot of video editing talent, to chop the videos up in an interesting enough way. I personally don’t have the skill or patience to edit videos in such a specific way. Most of my videos are as simple as possible, and made as quickly as I can. This follows the YouTube type of algorithm, where the consistency is key.
But if TikTok does give value to the style of video editing, I think there really could be a lot done there. It does mean that I need to up my skills at video editing, and there’s a lot of work that goes in to listening to audio, or just finding the right amount of footage to make it work.
I think that’s talent there, and maybe, just someday, I would have the talent to do the video editing that way. Maybe.
This very morning, I will be traveling to Vietnam for a family trip with my in-laws. I’m not too sure how good the WiFi will be so I decided to just write a whole bunch of scheduled posts just to be safe.
About the trip:
I’ve traveled to Vietnam once, maybe more than ten years ago. This was after my polytechnic school finished and before I enlisted into army. I went to Hanoi then, and I met some nice people, but overall, I was not extremely impressed with Vietnam.
I’ve had friends visit the country since then for sure, and there’s a lot of Vietnamese food that I really like. But it’s the general population of the people that get to me I think. I might look a bit too Vietnamese, and get mistaken for a local that doesn’t know his way around. That’s gotten me in a bit of mix up quite often. Perhaps now with my in-laws around, that might change up a bit. They look a lot more Chinese than me.
My father in law has been visiting Vietnam for the past few years. Before COVID, he went, and returned determined to bring us all there. Now with travel coming back to normal, he really wanted us to go as a family. We’ll be traveling together with one of Clarice’s uncles, and it’ll be interesting I think.
I’m also excited to go, and sketch a bunch of things. I have heard and seen a few nice sketches of Vietnam, and I guess I’ll add to that collection of sketches too.
When I woke up today, I was really spoiled for choice on which of my many hobbies I wanted to work on!
There was a part of me that wanted to work on my keyboard, because I had just gotten the Cherry Nixie Switches. I thought to put them in a board and do a whole stock sound test, recording that to put it in a video soon.
Another part of me really wanted to go climbing, as I had been for the past few Saturday mornings. But my climbing friends weren’t climbing today, and I would be climbing alone.
I also considered going for a run, having done a few runs in the week so far. The good sunny weather would always be a great draw, a great reason to run in the morning.
I wanted to pack some creative work along for my coming holiday. I would be flying away tomorrow morning, and I had some ideas of what to bring, but I wasn’t sure how much I would bring.
In the end, after all those thoughts, I spent about an hour in bed just flipping through social media.
Sometimes when there’s too many options, the easiest option is always the one you subconsciously revert to.
But I did go climbing in the end. I probably shouldn’t have though, because my work out from last night really added some good ache to my shoulders and my arms. I’ll need to do a bit more massage and relaxing, and hopefully I don’t stress out too much during the holiday.
One of my key thoughts this week: What’s my time worth?
Are my hobbies worth the time I spend on it? Or the different people I get to meet?
Still haven’t really gotten to a good answer for myself.
It’s been some time since I’ve felt the end of a week properly.
When I was in the army, the weekend mattered a lot. It was the breath of freedom, a moment to just take a break from the monotony of work. In the past few weeks of work, I’ve not been aware of the possible stresses that was on my mind.
One of the things that really struck me clearly was Clarice finishing her work. It was her last day of work today, and she’s been working for the past five years straight. I think it’s been an interesting time for sure, and perhaps it’s been something I was not really thinking about.
But because her work has ended, this weekend really feels like a weekend. There’s this moment of relief, the freedom setting in. I actually have a work dinner on tomorrow, and the fun part is that Clarice is joining me for that dinner. What’s also very fun is that shes finally free to join in with a lot of the work that I do. My work relies heavily on volunteers, so it’s actually really great to have her with me, as a volunteer in some ways.
This week has also been very active for me. I’ve exercised a number of mornings and afternoons, and I’m really quite happy to be so active again. It’s making me quite energised, and I was looking forward to more exercise today. I did clear out some strength training workouts, while watching a very chaotic free practice in the Formula 1 weekend.
We’re also getting ready for our flight this coming Sunday, and that’ll be an exciting time too. Tomorrow would probably be a lot of packing to make sure we’ve got all we need for the next five days in Vietnam!
End of a week, start of a holiday!
I still remember the season of Borders at Wheelock.
Borders was a physical bookstore at the corner of Orchard Road, part of an American franchise of bookstores. It was a place where you could get music, books, movies. I had spent years there, browsing through design books, and fiction, and listening to so much music.
But Borders closed down in 2011. I remember being pretty sad about it but not very sad, because I had already faced some breakups with my bookshops before already. MPH at Stamford Road was a place I had spent a lot of my childhood growing up, and during that time, Tower Records and Tower Books was still around. The bookstores of the past was really what led me to appreciate music, art, and stories the way I have in modern day.
In the past four to five years, Kinokuniya also closed some of their outlets in Singapore, and now we’re left with the main store at Takashimaya, and their outlet in Bugis as well. I remember literally crying when they had closed their Liang Court outlet, before Liang Court closed down within the next year. It was really a place where I spent years doing magazine collections, and just browsing and learning more about the world around me, because of the publications next to each other.
And now, Book Depository, an online store closes.
The move to start buying books online came out of a necessity. It was hard to find some books, or perhaps the different editions that I would find in store would be marked up significantly. I bought a lot of Book Depository books especially when I was at work, during my busy periods. I would come home to my own surprise when the book would arrive, usually three to four weeks later. With every package sent, they would usually send a bookmark as well, and soon I had a thick stack of Book Depository bookmarks in my room somewhere.
It’s quite something to go through, losing these places that gave me access to much more of the world around. It was my window to the world, beyond the searches that the Internet gives. I was quite happy to actually bump into other people at the book stores, and to hear other recommendation from the different staff, from the different people onsite.
Digital books have literally no place in my heart. There is no physical element, there is no paper. It is literally just the story. Every entertainer, anyone doing a presentation knows that the way that a story is received changes everything. From the way a music artist cuts an album on vinyl (which part of the album splits into the half), or the movie directors choosing to shoot with film instead of adding grain to 5K cinema quality, each of the creative decisions in the actual medium plays a huge part to the receiving of the content.
Sure, anyone can also play forward the idea that the story is the most important. But who would want to just listen to an objective telling of a story? A man loses something he really needs, struggles ensue, but he finds it, and it’s great. That’s the premise for most movies, and yet, each one is told differently. The choice of how it is told includes the way it’s told. Is it told loudly, is it told with dramatic pauses, and all the other storytelling cues?
Books tell that story in that way for me. The choice of the cover design, the way the fonts and the paper comes together, whether publisher, or designer, or the writer made a choice for it, it was a choice and it added to my own reading experience. Even the difference between hardcover and softcover add such a huge difference for me, and I am happy to collect multiple copies of the books that I enjoy. Re-reading would lead to such a different experience, especially if re-read with a new edition, with updated authors notes.
I will miss Book Depository. I thought of getting myself a Kindle, but I think my heart just aches for the shrinking market of the printed book. I hope one day, maybe I would publish my own, just to keep this hobby of mine going. Maybe that would be my own founder problem.
I woke up later than usual today, and went over to the skate park nearby to skate a bit. It’s really been ages since I’ve gone skateboarding so consistently, but I really felt the need to, especially when the new skate park is so much nearer. The skate bowls are also easier to skate in, but with every new place, there’s a need to get familiar with a place. A breaking in of myself, in a way.
Skateboarding demands such confidence and determination. It’s not the easiest sport to approach, and the amount of time and effort that’s needed to make pros is insane. They have already spent years skating, and those childhood days of just messing around would add up.
The person’s position and facing needs to be trained when skateboarding. The proper term would be the skating stance. I am really not consistent in skateboarding so my stance is really not the best. I end up usually facing straight, which doesn’t make sense, because on a skateboard, you’re actually moving sideways. My mind tells me to position myself properly, but my body just automatically swings back into a regular squared shoulders position. So I end up taking a good half hour or so, just getting my body into that position and shape.
Tricks that once were consistently easy, or easier for me to do, are now all just out of my reach by a little bit. I had to build back so much confidence to try, and just to make sense of some of the movements. I don’t dare to do a lot, and I keep being afraid of falling. In skateboarding, there’s really almost no space for that. Everyone skating has to have full confidence that they can do the trick, or at least they have to attempt their tricks with that. If they don’t and if there’s any form of doubt or uncertainty, they would land wobbly and fall. It’s a lot to do with trusting the board to do its thing, and to be part of the movement as a whole.
Maybe one day I would be able to express the experience better, but for now, I’ll just start rebuilding my skate confidence all over again. One fall at a time.
I just watched the TED Talk with the TikTok CEO, and it’s quite an interesting set of things he brings up. He talked about how the app actually scans your face as you use it. I mean I should have guessed it before, considering the filters that have been on for ages. But I guess it was quite surprising.
But I think another thing that really struck me was the high focus on creativity he kept mentioning. The company mission stands as Inspiring Creativity, and Bringing Joy. I personally enjoy that idea, but for some reason I always end up thinking of the action of getting stuck on TikTok, over the actual creation of the videos behind it. It really makes me think that I ought to try, and make something interesting for TikTok, especially with the type of content that I do.
I also think there’s a lot that I say here, or to people on stream, or just talk about, but it’s not publicised the same way that I do the rest of my content. It doesn’t get the same views and pull I guess.
But nonetheless, still very inspired to try something new on, especially for TikTok. That’s really something else to work on.
As much as I think that I’ve planned things the right way all the time, I know I’ve taken so many detours, bringing me around the mountain of life in the strangest ways. My mechanical keyboard hobby for one, completely on a whim. I started running because I was just so bored one night that I decided I wanted to exercise and run as long as I could without stopping. Some seemingly random situations have brought me to new places, and introduced me to strangers. I shall call these detours “The Right Wrong Steps”
Take today for example. I set out to work, thinking about the work that I had to do. I had some artwork that I needed to produce (still need to actually), but I decided to stop over at an art school before lunch. This gave me a good pause, to stop and rethink what I was aiming to do. It also gave me a moment to reflect on my own art, and my own processes of work, like the idea spawning this present article.
After that, I strolled my way over to an art store, and picked up some art supplies, with a renewed sense of vigor. Encouraged, reminded, and motivated, to do some good artwork in the months ahead. Definitely have the materials to now as well.
Perhaps the right right step would have been to go home and do the work immediately. The trouble would be being distracted, and my internal motivations would still prove shaky. Not that work wouldn’t be done, but I might probably take a lot more steps to get there, steps that I might not have wanted to do.
I think the space of these right wrong steps give me a place to just destress, and to find new forms of creativity that I might not come to naturally. I am really excited to make some new things happen, I’m just not sure how just yet. but very excited to start.
There are also days like this.
The party’s mostly over type of day, and there’s just too many things going on. Maybe too much to clear.
On days like these, the barrier to getting started gets raised by a lot. I’ll need to clear the table, wash up after that, make sure that everything’s in some what of it’s place before I can really get going.
It just makes it harder to get started, but doesn’t mean that I can’t get started.
And perhaps, the reason to get started on my work needs to be even higher. I really need to dig deep, to remember why I’m doing what I’m doing.
Preparation is key.
Sometimes the way to make sure that I get work done is by getting the work done the day before. And then all of a sudden the work is really easy. It’s not super easy, but a lot easier. The barrier is lowered, and I can get to it, making whatever I want to make, as quickly as I can mentally make it.
As I write this, I look at the other messes that I still have yet to clear, and I just wonder to myself, will I ever stop making messes?
Probably not, but I can definitely try to minimize some of them. Maybe I should do that right now.
I think there are many days to have but some days are really just good climbing days. Today is one of those days, and I really had a lot of fun climbing around. I made climbing moves that I haven’t done in so long, because of my wrist that was giving me issues. But today I decided that it was long enough, and I really needed to start giving my wrist some strength training. It is turning out well enough so far, I’ll keep massaging it through the day, but hopefully it ends well.
I am also thinking a lot about what I’m making today:
Am I just observing the world around me still, or should I make an idea in my head come to life?
One of those ideas is supposed to be a running club or climbing club or a racing club t-shirt. Merchandising is always fun, but I’ve been shying away from it because of the stresses of putting down money to make it happen.
But like my good climb days, maybe today’s a great day to start?
Trisected Climbing Club
Also I snagged such a nice picture of the cranes next door
Today my brain decided to wake me up a lot earlier. It also helped that I made a keyboard that I was really happy with, and now I am happy typing away at it.
One of the things I struggle with in my creative process is the lack of an Approver. At work, if I make something, the one to clear it would be my bosses. If I make something with my friends, one of them might be the one to check through and give the ok. But with my own work, I am the approver, and also the one doing it, and I get stuck.
I don’t think I should be my own approver because I get very critical with my own work. I think all my work is bad, and I keep getting upset with myself for not doing better. My friends come in to encourage me, and I don’t believe them for some reason, and then I end up not publishing anything.
That’s kinda where I am right now. I have work that I wish I could put up, but I’m just not sure what I feel about it. I’m not too sure if it’s worth publishing.
At this point, a motivating factor appears. It might be a Seth Godin email, or a YouTube clip, or just something I read or watched telling me to try, and to just publish. The line about “The world’s worst golfer did not play today. More than that, the world’s worst golfer probably doesn’t even play golf.” or something like that.
So I’m definitely not the world’s worst artist, because I’m still making something today. At least I’ve made this post. More than that, I’ve gotten ideas and drawings out that I just need to put online, or to just publish somewhere.
So my internal approver/critic just has to deal with that level being pushed all the way down: At least I’ve done work today, that’s better than the days I did nothing at all.
Let’s go
The daily discipline is getting to me.
It’s not that I don’t enjoy writing, or creating, or thinking. It’s just this thing sitting behind the back of my head, asking if I’ve done the work yet, if I’ve produced something that I am happy with. It’s just there and it’s giving me this added stress of sorts.
I’m not sure yet, if it’s a good stress, or a bad stress.
It’s similar to the pressure I felt when I was training for running. I would be waking up early, trying to clock in the miles needed for the longer distances later in the week. More than just the distances, I needed to finish it in time, because I had other things to do. I had my job then, as I do now. It’s an added stress of a task, that I’ve placed on my own head.
And no one asked me to do it.
It’s all on me. There’s no boss standing behind me, asking me to produce these thoughts, or the other artwork that I’ve been making. It’s just me, asking me to be a better artist, a better creative. It’s my own pressure.
So I really hope I grow again.
As I did before, I grew before, in other daily challenges and months of practice. I needed to get it out of me, and I needed to finish something. In years before, it was Inktober, Bible Lettering. The two sets of the Artist Way, and the daily writing in those months. I might have chalked up maybe a few years worth of daily practice. And I grew each and every time I did it.
I’m doing this because I hope to grow in ways I don’t know yet.
Every time I approach one of these daily practices, or challenges, I just think that there’s parts of me that could change or grow. I listen to podcasts, or just observe work of other artists, and I just think that I could try more, I could make something different. It works, because I end up learning new skills, and defining my style a bit more. It is not easy. It’s not comfortable. But if I knew what I was doing, then would I still be doing the things that I am doing? Or what would I do different? And so I adjust, and learn, and try to make a new change.
One day, one step, at a time.
Today was an interesting day of experimenting some new things:
I went to a new skate park that opened near my place today, and it’s really good and beginner friendly. It’s a short bus ride down, and man its pretty big. I went in the morning with some friends, and I found out how rusty I am skateboarding. Too much of my confidence went back to my hands for climbing, and now I’ve got to regain some confidence for my feet and balance again.
I’ve asked to do some classes and stuff in the recent months, but I’ve not actually painted for myself, for fun. So I actually tried that today. It took more out of me to start painting, than for me to do keyboards or to write or to do anything else. I think mentally I go through so many hurdles, and I tell myself how hard it will be and all that.
But the moment I got started, I think I just wanted to do more. I just wanted to make more things happen. I had to rush off for dinner, but parts of me just wanted to sit there and paint some more.
I was using watercolor, wet on wet techniques, and it was just such a colorful mess that I haven’t been thinking about for so long. I really enjoyed it.
Revisiting these two things made me think of my work, and how I’ve been holding back some of the things that I’ve been needing to do. I am slightly more motivated right now, and perhaps, I needed these moments of “play” to get my engines going.
On a spiritual side, I actually prayed for some motivation today, and just pondered where Jesus would be in my life today. Just a really random thought of placing how Jesus would approach skateboarding and watercolor drawing.
Today felt like less of a productive day than yesterday for sure. I didn’t churn out as many drawings, and the day is slowly coming to an end. Clarice is away at a staff retreat, so my mental clock timing of what to do when is kinda all over the place. I’m not really that hungry cause I ate so much for lunch, and lunch in itself was so carb heavy, that I just feel satiated. I’m just nice.
I had planned to do something, but I wasn’t too sure what. I moved the things in my store room around a whole bunch, and now there’s a lot of good space in the store, to which I could move things out, and make more space in the rooms and all that.
While I was doing all that, I decided to listen to the Joe Rogan Podcast, the one he did recently with David Choe. As I was listening, it really struck me: he’s just recording this podcast for a few hours. He’s spent the day working out, and doing things with his family, and his work is really just sitting down and talking with people all day.
A part of me really felt like I want to have that life. To be aware of what makes me tick, and to make that as productive as possible. He gets paid to sit down and talk with people, and that in itself is something to do. The better part of it is that he still has to do research, he still has to put in time for other things and real friends, running other businesses and all that, and yet, he’s still got his main thing down so well.
If I guess one of the key things in life is finding the meaning in work, and if that’s a positive example of finding meaning in work, I think that would be an ideal to live towards. Perhaps I really ought to start recording more of my conversations with people as we go along. It really might lead to some good things happening.
Today was an extremely creative day. I drew so much, produced so much, in ways that I haven’t for years. The craziest thing is that I was also exceedingly good at my chess game as well. So it felt like something went off in my head.
A part of me is thinking: How can I recreate a day like this again? All the productivity gurus living inside me are asking me to write out today’s schedule and to follow it as strictly as possible, just so that we could make a repeat happen.
But I know that the truth behind it is purely that today was a really blessed day of creativity. God gave me abundant willpower to keep drawing, even if I was doing nothing. There was great joy behind it, and I was just happy to make. It was great also to have people support and encourage me almost immediately. I shared my work with Mark and Clarice and they both thought it was good.
I can’t wait to make it happen for real, to print, to publish.
I might do some sneak peeks here, but I’m really thinking of the creative process.
Perhaps today’s main learning point was embracing the pure idea of making, even if I didn’t know what was going to come out of it. At least something would happen, and at least there was something to show for my ideas. On top of that, I also did not keep to my phone, as much as I could. It was good.
I need to learn how to give myself space to produce even when I’m moving around. It helps to be able to think on the go, or to make things happen whenever. I think I end up playing games, or being just very trivial when I’m moving, and I could afford to make a lot more. I wonder how.
In any case, there will definitely be a consistent flow of youtube videos for this month at least. I need to cut some of them down for size, but I think I have a much better idea in my head how to approach video and the graphic design elements together.
I really am starting to appreciate my own brain a lot more, and I’m really learning how to play to my creative strengths. I should have done this way earlier!
But today’s a great day to learn how to start. And I shall take the win, Thank God for blessing me with a really great day.
There’s a part of me that had questioned a lot of social norms back in the day. I blame it on teenage angst, among other things. I also think that being a teenager is incredibly difficult, and in this current day and age, it’s even harder.
But I think one of the key things I did not have, but have grown to have is actual real friends. I never really understood that properly. There were people that really loved me and cared for me as I was growing up. There were friends who went out of their way to care for me, to give me things, and cherish me in ways that I would never be able to pay it back to them.
I understand that dynamic of friendship more now. People who look me in the eye and care for me in ways that I can actually repay back, and I do it. Or at least I try to. Today is one of those days where I learn how to be a friend, just being a person and not having any agendas or goals, but just being there and listening and speaking.
It’s not productive, in the sense of the word where something is made, but it is essential, and I’ve grown so much by having friends. It is such a hard concept for me to accept, but now I can’t see myself without my friends.
It’s a crutch, its a reliance, its a dependency- I use the words with negative connotations, because honestly, it really is that way. I don’t think the simple companionship idea is just as easy as that, but it is one person realising that he cannot do it on his own. So he asks another person for help; I ask my friends for help.
Sometimes the help is just to be around another person. Loneliness, and the emptiness of the journey gets less when there’s another person around. You don’t have to talk to yourself if there’s someone else to talk to.
Of course, one of the most important friend is my wife. And really, even that relationship dynamic took so much time and effort for me to learn, for me to grow in. People are definitely an essential part of my life, and relationships are definitely a key part of life.
Thanks friends, you matter to me in ways that I can barely explain.
Reviewing some of the artwork that I had gotten yesterday, I think there’s a lot I could make on the simple basis of wanting to create stories. There are moments that I wish I could retell again, or keep for the sake of memories.
One of the key things that I wanted to recall last year was my family holiday to Melbourne. It was a really fun time out, and I think both Clarice and I enjoyed ourselves a lot. We’re going again this year, and maybe we would be able to make something fun to bring back, to show Clarice’s Aunty and her cousin.
As much as I was dreaming about making something about my trip to Melbourne, I realised how intentional I have to be. I actually need to make something. I can’t just dream or just hope that it would magically appear. But I really need to actually put words down, and then maybe print it to make it happen.
I also love love love the idea of quantity in a publication. Like a ton of things for real. I think that adds to what I like about publications and zines, and I am very keen to make that happen ASAP.
I have no idea what’s my topic tho, but I do have a lot of subject matter to draw: the Minyak apartment and the pictures I took there, and all the coffee things I have. I have collected every bag of coffee over the past three years, in hope of drawing and then painting them again. I should really get started soon.
And I think what these actions show me is that the style thing comes in when I am working. It is like how you only learn running form after you’ve started running and the need to learn how to run properly comes from wanting to avoid getting hurt. I think that’s where style will come in: how I create in a way that allows me to produce as much as I can.
It’s been some time since going to a creative thing of sorts, and today was a great day going back to it! I really saw an array of stores all over the place, and it was good fun getting to see the different people, and the different types of graphic design going on. There are some thoughts I personally have, as a review for myself, if I were to publish or present work at these fairs.
I think the booths with too much work came off as just trying to sell me things. Worse still, there was one booth that just covered their tags, and I had no idea who they were, and if I’d want to buy things from them. It was just too much at one moment, and there was no proper curation.
On the other hand, booths that had a neat line or a very simple set up with enough space in between the different items, those made me appreciate their wares more. It also helped that they would normally stand up to those coming, or at least sit up straight and appear interested. Some booths managers were very lax in their demeanor and made me feel as if I didn’t matter.
I think running between the limited quantities, it’s also important to price appropriately. If I picked up a zine that was really thick, and it was charging me about $30 bucks, I might feel more inclined to purchase, if the content looked very interesting and appealing. If it was thin, and just with little content, I might not.
I also preferred functional items over pure aesthetic ones. It was a good reminder to make things that I personally would want to get, cause I think a number of people just made things that were just marketable, forgetting that the other booths would do almost exactly the same thing.
This means that if I was going to sell something, it needed to be something limited, affordable, and somewhat functional. One of the coolest things I saw, but didn’t get, was a fidget spinner that would animate a man running. It was so awesome, but I just had no more money left by then.
I spent most of my money on stickers, smaller zines, and things that I would use, or I could reuse later on.
That’s about it, but maybe after pondering a bit more, and doodling around, I might add more thoughts tomorrow.
It’s been some time since I’ve written here, and today I was reminded why. I’ve lost the purpose of why I started writing here, and I am quite sure now why I would like to start writing again.
I want to write here to explain why and what I think about when I do the work that I do. This blog is a place for me to give the behind the scenes of my everyday life, including my everyday thoughts and things that direct the decisions I make and take on.
If anything, this gives an explanation to the work that I produce, or the content that I express. Perhaps that’s the key too, that I could intentionally develop content both on here and Medium again.
But yes, I will use this blog daily again, and to explain the things I am thinking about.
I shall also start making things again, extremely motivated to do more after a great meeting amongst other creatives today. It is really a good place to be when other people are spurring each other on with ideal and pure ideas.
I think COVID has definitely made me think and behave a certain way about the things I have around me. One of those things is actually the way that I assess myself, my thoughts and my habits.
It’s been an extremely long time but I’m typing once again on my Reviung41. This keyboard was really one that I loved so much. I remember bringing this little guy out with me as I went to different cafes around my rental, trying to get some special inspiration somewhere. It worked a lot of the time, which added to the reason why I liked this keyboard even more.
But then things started to get back to normal.
I didn’t have that much time to type anymore, let alone sit at a computer working on a split 40. It really just added a lot to my mind that I felt was unnecessary.
But I miss it, you know?
I miss it like how I miss my old place. I keep getting flashbacks and memories of how things were for the past few years. My memories are somewhat stuck in that time of wanting to go back, and at the same time, I have the present to still keep up with.
Maybe this is really why old people forget things all the time. They’re trying to old on to the past, and still deal with the present. I’m feeling that way right now at least.
But for tonight, the last half hour before I gotta sleep, I’ll write a little post, missing that whole chunk of time known as the Pandemic, remembering the better parts of a bad time. Even the little kitties that came along too.
I have to be upfront about it somewhere, so maybe this is it…
Drive to Survive really got some new people into the world of F1, and I was definitely sunk in after watching it during the COVID Pandemic lockdowns. It gave me something to look forward to, and it was just outright exciting.
As I write this, I’m waiting for the Jeddah Grand Prix to start. I am spending some part of my month allowances just to watch this every month, with a race somewhere or another. It’s a small cost, but it’s quite a good few hours of entertainment.
In some part of my mind, I’m really thinking about how I managed to spend so much on my keyboards in the past few years. It’s crazy to consider the amount of switches, keycaps, and boards. I really like all of the setups that I’ve come to, and it’s really been a great experience. Now I’m making the setups work for me in the long run.
In comparison, I spend about 12 bucks a month for 4 races, and there’s all the other information and hype that I can join in. It’s quite a thrill!
Also, being me, I really considered getting Grand Prix tickets for Singapore, but it’s a bit too expensive. I think my days of spending a few hundred at a go are gone. But then again, it might be too soon to say?
I’ve also gotten into chess! Not because of the Queen’s Gambit, but more because my wife really wanted to play. We got ourselves a small set to just get started, but it’s really enjoyable. I keep playing online and losing terribly. My patience is poor, and I’m too lazy to remember openings too well. The worst part is that my endgame sight is so poor! I keep missing winning moves. It’s terrible.
But I still really enjoy playing, and it’s just a fun mess to go through.
I hope I get to draw or make something with respect to these two things! Really fun interests that cost so much less than keyboards, but with that high level of intensity that I think I enjoy tremendously.
There are some things that I’ve been thinking really hard about, especially in the past few months of work, and with keyboards:
I am really learning so much about perseverance through this hobby, and learning how to be content with what I have. I also have learnt what I like and don’t like to do. But I can’t imagine being one of the OG’s in the custom scene, and how they would meet up to talk about the few switches, and they did this for years. Props to them for really keeping up the hobby over all this time.
One of the buddies on the YouTube channel asked me to do a trisected thought about rebuilds, and I think it’s a worthy topic to explore. I still ask myself, should i change it after using the keyboard hardcore for a week alone? Or after a few months of use? I’m not sure of the exact amount of time. Also because I have so many boards, it takes some effort to remember which I’ve done where.
Currently I actually track what I’ve set up before based on my YouTube channel, because I honestly can’t remember.
I don’t really agree with carrying too many things around whenever I go to work. This means that during a busy period when I’m not going to be in office a lot, I actually take home my keyboards and just work with my MacBook keyboard directly. But I recall a time where I would bring a 40 along to a cafe, especially if I need to hammer out an article or a letter.
But now, I’m just thinking of the additional weight I carry, and if it’s worth that little bump of typing experience. I’m still undecided. I tried bringing my hhkb around for some time, but it just fits into a weird space in my backpack. Maybe I should try again some time soon, and find out what I’m happy with.
I can deal with my reviung, the lilypro and the corne. but my planck… I don’t know man. The knob added a fun dimension to it, but coming down to quick practicality, it’s not the easiest to get used to. Some people really still swear by it, but I don’t know if that’s me.
Maybe I should try again just to see… I can’t even remember how I managed to do a plateless set up for it, and I did that one time amazingly. I shall attempt another go or two at it.
What are some questions and thoughts you still have about your keyboards?
I think – I really am in the middle of thinking – that I am waiting for the perfect time. This time of ideal work and realization that actually never exists. But everyone who has waited for the “perfect time” to do something totally knows what I mean.
I’m waiting for the right time to start work. To start the work there needs to be many things in place. It could be the environment, it could be my mindset. It could be the keyboard I use (and then I would waste another 2-3 hours trying to sort that one out).
But there’s no perfect time. It’s just now.
No one is stopping me, other than myself and the work.
So let’s just get the work done.
I thought to start the work with a motivational blog post to myself.
I injured my hands after a trip to the grocery store the other day. I had done some climbing before that so my hands were already quite strained. Then I decided to go and try carry back some groceries. Quite very unnecessary, but I’m glad I had food nonetheless.
But unnecessary because of the pain I put myself through!
I can’t really wave right now. Using my hands to type takes a bit of effort, and using a mouse is a Real Exercise. I have to stretch my hands out a bit after using the computer. The worst part was that I had wanted to record a typing video, but I don’t think I can do my usual 5 minutes of typing straight to get the “episode” going. It’s my HHKB tracking that I usually just type for 5 minutes straight. But with the wrist hurting, I have to either type with perfect finger positioning, if not it just gets achy really quick.
Actually writing this is my first time writing long without moving my hands because of the ache I feel on it.
I’ve googled what wrist strains I might have gotten, and I’m gonna go with a TFCC sprain – triangular fibrocartilage complex. It’s basically the part that holds your hand to your forearm. That part is aching for me like crazy. I wouldn’t call it a sharp pain, but just an ache for sure.
I keep thinking that my muscle tendon snapped, and I don’t think it did, because I think I wouldn’t even be able to type. But I think not being able to wave is still pretty intense. In any case, I’m just giving myself a bit more time before I go back to trying to carry heavy stuff with my hands.
Unfortunately, it involves climbing too. Although I’m able to hang myself from my pull up bar really well still. My hands still have strength, it’s only my wrists that can’t maintain that weight.
Or the ability to type long… :/
Moving into a new place brings some troubles. More joy, but a little bit, some troubles. Dust is really the main culprit. I have a really bad allergic reaction to dust, and it gets me rubbed the wrong way round all day long.
Last night, I thought it was a genius thing to unbox and try and sort all or most of my clothing. I’ve quite quite a collection of many things, and these collections have been either in shelves or boxes for the last three years. We’ve been living with an open wardrobe, so dust lands on our clothing really easily. At the same time, I had other clothing stored in my family house. And last night was the day that a lot of this clothing said hi to each other.
They also said hi to my allergies that were dormant for a lot of the past few years – not living in air conditioned rooms meant that the natural air flow was always there. It was an allergy party last night, and it last all the way to this morning. I went to church with a mask filled with damp tissues of snot. I thought I was able to survive it, but lo and behold, I started sneezing during church itself.
I left the service soon after, and cancelled my plans for the rest of the day. I missed a lunch I had really been looking forward to, and spent the whole day just sleeping, trying to get better from it.
Currently I do feel better, but that little bit of me is just breathing very carefully, just in case it reignites some sudden sneezy trend that might catch my nose unguarded again. It feels dicey, but at least I’ll be able to breathe comfortably for now.
Clarice mentioned the word Boundaries to me today, and I’m reminded of the space of boundaries, and margins. I learnt during a seminar of sorts a few years back, that I need to set margins in my life. The margins keep space for you to handle urgent last minute things in life. I’ve not really managed my own boundaries very well, but today I am faced with a conundrum of sorts.
I think I struggle to say no to many things, and especially people. I keep saying yes, and that I wouldn’t mind. But now, coming to my mid thirties, I feel that I need to be selective, if not specific with the limited time I have. It feels like there needs to be clearer lines drawn for the things that I don’t want to spend time on, but that I have to spend time on. Societal and voluntary obligations, or maybe work related necessities, I need to limit how much time I want to spend on them.
Unfortunately in this week specifically, I had batched to spend a whole day on my obligations, and it’s made me feel extremely overloaded in just one long day. I’m learning how not to do that again, and also the consequences of stacking the day that way.
It’s also made me feel overwhelmed, to a point where I felt like just taking the day off to recover. Thankfully, I thought otherwise, and decided to just not think too hard about it, and move on with today. It helped because I found myself enjoying a very reliant day- a day where I relied on the people around me to support my under performing self. I practiced asking for help, and I also practiced not being the one with all the answers. It was not easy, but I am thankful for the opportunity.
I feel that I was unable to befriend a person I would normally spend some amount of time trying to befriend. A person literally popped up in my life suddenly, with no real connection to me, other than an extremely happenstance moment. We traded numbers, but I was unaware that he probably suffers for a mental disorder of sorts, as I’ve dealt with people who do suffer from similar mental disorders, as they behave in the same way. In that first meeting, I was not sure if it was severe or not, but after some time, he texted me randomly, and spammed me with a number of things.
This was quite unsettling, as he called me at work one of the days while I was actually quite busy with a number of things. This made me feel quite uncomfortable, but I brushed it off, and decided to wait some time before I would respond to him.
However, today, he randomly appeared again, where I go to church at. I was in the middle of a discussion and he decided to barge in and just talk to me, but I explained that I was in the middle of a discussion. Later he called me a number of times, attempting to find me, but I had left the building already.
I feel that a part of me would have wanted to befriend him and talk with him, but because of the lack of boundaries I had been having, it felt like I was not ready to befriend him, or to talk with him in the long run. I had to turn him down, and tell him that I was sorry that I would not be able to talk with him, and that I was uncomfortable with his demand for the communication that I was unable to provide.
I am not comfortable with someone’s incessant texting and calling, but I am also uncomfortable not being able to be someone’s friend. It was a very hard line to draw, but I decided to draw it hard because the stressors I would face there would affect my other relationships in my life in a big way too. I still wish I had some space and boundaries to talk and befriend, but it is really not a wise thing for me to do in this space and time.
Relationships take time, and sometimes there are relationships that I really have no link to, and I can’t spare the time for them. I might really want to, but there are only 24 hours in a day, and I have to be wise in how I commit my time and effort.
While I am sad that I am unable to befriend, my mind is also wondering: at what stage and point would i be free enough to befriend someone like that? Someone who does not have the understanding of other people’s boundaries, and they would just want to call and talk as much as they please. Would I need to be able to spare time like that always? These are some of the questions that I am considering, as I reflect on the very long day, and my boundaries that I have to learn how to draw better again.
I’m typing on a mechanical keyboard once again.
It took some time, but finally, finally, back to some 3-4mm travel. No more flat laptop keyboards to survive through the day.
I was wondering why this matters so much to me, and I think it comes down to some basic things that I tend to live by.
I think my life has been filled with so many opportunities and experiences that every one needs to count in some way. Maybe that’s an extremely privileged way of thinking, but I personally think times of suffering and pain are essential as well. So it is not that I am looking for the top of the world type of situations, but I would like my experiences in life to count for something.
That means that I’m completely fine if my life looks different from my friends around me, but I am happy with how it is going. To me, that matters more.
Because of that as well, I find that I get stuck in certain situations longer than I expect. I am struggling with efficiency, to live as much as possible, and the quality of how well I live.
Which is the next point
I have not sketched for ages. Sketching, over the past few years, had given me moments of respite. My brain was allowed to rest, and I could just observe and appreciate the moment. Currently, I’ve not really had time to just draw. It’s been some time since I’ve drawn, but I think the routine of drawing is something I miss as well.
I also realised that I miss expressing myself in certain ways. It’s a funny feeling that I get when I listen to something like The Strokes, or Blink 182. There’s that youthful charm of plain dumb lyrics and jumping around. The expression of youth has not left me, but it is stuck and is jumping inside. I want to jump along, and I want to just make as I see fit. I hope to bring that part of me back once again.
I’ll be working on writing here every day again. I will redo my content calendar for myself, but my hope is really to get back into writing and creating once more. I hope, but I will just have to actually do it!
We’ve just moved!
Clarice and I have spent the past few weeks packing on end, and just trying to survive our day to day. It’s been quite insane, and there’s always this idea of needing to move looming over our heads.
“Have we packed enough for today?”
“Did we forget anything?”
“Will our movers be able to shift this? Will our friends be able to help? What will fit where?”
The list of questions that we kept thinking through kept growing bigger and bigger, and there were a number of nights that we just had to call it quits. We’d did enough and there was not much more that we could do other than to just sleep on it.
And now we’ve moved!
Now on the other end of things, we’re living in boxes. I’m currently surrounded by a wall of boxes and bags. But I finally got my computer out. The keyboards are near me, but I don’t have the right cables, the right table set up that I’m happy to work on just yet, so I’ll make do with the iMac’s bluetooth keyboard. As long as it types for now.
I’ve got videos that I’ve filmed and placed online, but I just haven’t finished the captions for them yet and I don’t know if I can publish them yet. But there’s no one holding them back other than me. I guess I’ll need to find some time to sit down and plan it out.
Emotionally, I miss my neighbours. I miss my old place, and the familiarity it held. It really wasn’t the best place in the world. By stark contrast, I have air conditioning in every room now, and proper lighting. My previous place had no air conditioning, I had to place in my own standing lights, or suffer the wrath of the florescent tubes. And the amount of space that I had to rededicate over and over again for the different hobbies I had that were growing. All that just really added up together.
I’m sad to have moved, but I’m glad where I am now too. It’s a weird bittersweet feeling.
I am a lot further away from the city center, but that also means that I save in some ways. The temptation to go shopping often, or to spend on boutique brands and gourmet food drops tremendously because there’s just not that much of that nearby where I now stay. It’s not shabby by any means, but it just isn’t that city center quality of dining and entertainment.
I really feel so in between about the move, but as the title states, it’s time to be moving on. I’m now here, present and real life is where I currently type this post out.
But moving on is not easy, and I want to capture this emotion in writing with some of my own reasoning for now. Hopefully when I reflect on this in the time to come I’ll make a little more sense of it.
Here’s to the new life in the new place!
It’s been some time since I’ve posted anything, and this might be my first post for the year, across all platforms. Here’s a rough of what’s been up so far:
Currently, my apartment is coming to fruition! It’s been a five year wait since putting a down payment, and finally now, our renovations are coming to an end as well. This means all my spare time is spent with packing, and picking out finishing pieces.
It also means that my daily routines are in a crazy mess most of the time. My daily writing and thinking has been thrown out of the window, but at least I still do have some journal moments every now and then. But my writing and drawing is really thrown off its momentum.
I’m also in the middle of running some internship programmes at my workplace. It’s part of a range of things, but I’m really looking forward to new work happening in the year ahead. It’s exciting and honestly, I feel a bit giddy just thinking about it.
My work is always about the Christian response to many things. Sometimes I write and I think the worst of the world, and I just feel the dread and desperation of the times. Other times, I seize the hope and the glimpse of the future, where the world is indeed rosy and full. My new work really is to aim to give the good hope for the new generations ahead, for the younger ones who might not have had time and access to different groups of people to connect.
I hope that maybe one day I would be able to make sense more of it, and show a bit more, but until it really works out, I’ll share more of it then!
I hope to post a bit more regularly in the weeks ahead, but I think I’ll just aim for one post a week for this month at least.
Have a great new year everyone!
It’s been a week since, and I thought to update everyone how things have been on the pet side of things.
I’m still sad, but I think many of my friends have comforted me. I have had people to talk to, and other friends who have also lost pets have grieved alongside in the past few days. I personally think that just being able to share about my sadness and to have people understand it was greatly comforting.
I think one of the first things that gave me the most comfort was the funeral. I wasn’t in attendance of course, but the aunty next door showed me the pictures of the funeral. I saw how well loved Junah was taken care of, and I really felt a certain sense of peace and rest. It was really a lot more mentally for me to let go of. I could just see her resting, and then there was a cremation, but it seemed peaceful in that sense still? I’ve been for so many cremations, that I think life just happens that way for sure. But it was still comforting to see the ceremony before they cremated her. I still cried, but at least there was comfort in the passing.
Over the week, I’ve been more concerned for the uncle next door. He’s not very mobile, so it takes some effort for him to move around. He only goes out of the house for hospital visits, and Junah was really his best friend for the past nine years. I’ve been feeling his sadness the most now.
I was worried that he might not have had a time to talk it out, to just say whatever was on his heart, so I actually made quite a bit of effort to stick my head there and ask him if things were okay.
Junah used to bark at every single one that walked by their house, including Clarice and myself. This really gave some sort of life to the house, and also gave him a sense of activity. So I commented to the uncle that our houses have been so quiet with her gone. He reminded me that she would bark, and then run out of the house to hang out at my house every time I came home. It still pains me a bit to type this part of the story out, because it was really as if Junah had two houses for the past three years. I feel as if I’ve had a pet dog over the past three years too.
Uncle shared about how he took care of Junah at the start, and how he had cared for her through and through. There were other things we ended up talking about, but I told him that I’ve been praying for him this whole time. I wanted him to know that I also know how he feels, because I feel similar. I am sure he feels it so much more, but hopefully knowing that I share that little bit with him would help him find some little bit of comfort too.
Anyway, tonight, one of their son’s dogs has come for a short stay over – her name is Coco, and she is a very cute poodle. Hopefully that helps Uncle for tonight. I had my time with Bobby (my family dog) and I’m sure that helped me in a large way too.
Although, I am really not looking forward to Bobby’s passing. It will be hard for all of us for sure.
Thanks for caring everyone, it truly means the world to me.
My neighbour’s dog, that really became my dog too, just passed away this evening. I was out at a dinner, and I came back late because there was someone needing help on my way back. Along the corridor, my neighbour, the elderly uncle, sat there and said, Junah si diao. (Junah died).
I looked inside, and a part of me was in such a shock that I did not really understand what was going on for a good minute. I was like, wait what. Why. How. What’s going on? She’s just lying there in the box right, shes okay right?
My heart was really so broken. I did not know what to do. I stood at the gate, listening to the aunty cry and tell me how she passed, and how she had tried so hard to give Junah medicine, and bringing her to the vet and still she passed on. It was so many things. Aunty’s third son, Lucas, came back just to stay and say goodbye to Junah too. It was just so much to deal with.
I asked if I could come in, and they said yes sure, and I patted Junah’s stiffened body. I remembered all the times when she came over, and I would pat her sides, and brush her ears. Rubbing behind both of them, and then she would nudge my hand to continue doing it until she was happy. Then I would pat beneath her tummy, and she was just sit or stand there until I stopped, and then nudge me to do that again and again. I’ve passed afternoons doing this.
Junah was a form of pet therapy for me. I was happy to have her over, and have her meet every single person who came to my house, even though she wasn’t even my dog. The last time I saw her and got to pat her was after one of my exercise times, and I let her in to run around a bit. This was probably last week, early along the week.
She helped me survive COVID, because she literally was the only thing running between our house and our neighbours house. She would come over and ask to be petted, and I would indulge, time and time again. She would sit in one of our chairs and just enjoy the afternoon. Or she might sit at our front door and look out, lazing. Just her presence was something that I appreciated and looked forward to.
There were times when she came over with some sort of adornment: a new collar, a gold chain once. It was so cute and she was really happy with it, but at the same time I knew those were parts where they would love to get scratched at too. So that was another “scratch me” time.
Having Junah next door was always something that I actually planned on coming back to. I thought that when I moved away from Jalan Minyak, I would come back to give Junah a gift, pet her a bit, and catch up with Aunty and Uncle about life. Now it seems like I won’t ever have that. I would just need to come back and catch up with Aunty and Uncle without Junah.
My heart is broken in many ways. I am sad that I don’t have this four legged friend to come over on the afternoons. I am sad that my neighbours are missing their beloved pet of 9 years, a gift from their dog before, Junah’s mum, who also lived for about 9 years too. Junah leaves no other dogs behind, but memories of COVID, memories of Minyak.
I cannot imagine how life would have been without Junah around, especially coming into this apartment. On the first week moving in here, Junah barked at us continually, being really afraid of us, and just not sure what to do as a whole. Eventually she would come in, and get her pats. Eventually she would leave a place in my heart, and be a pride of my living experience here. I wanted everyone to pat Junah too, whether they were allergic to dogs or not.
I wish I could hug her one more time alive. I wish that I had also helped out bringing her to the vet. But she’s not even my dog. But I feel connected to her, that I cared for her existence in the world, and the world indeed is worse off without her. It is heartbreaking. It is truly heart breaking.
I sat there patting Junah’s dead body, crying, and just hearing over and over again the stories of Junah that Aunty shared, as she cried. I sat there for as long as a neighbour could really sit there for, but it was also because it just got later and later. It was midnight when I stepped into the house, and I left after half an hour. I cried some more at home, and just sat on the floor, remembering the times when I sat with Junah there. Letting her get her pats, and tummy rubs. Letting her be my neighbours dog for a short while.
Life here in Jalan Minyak is not the same without the pets, without the people. I am constantly reminded that life as a whole is made up of so many memories, so many different parts. I could almost say that I wish I could do something to bring Junah back, but honestly I can’t. There’s no such thing as that in life, other than the Christian resurrection that I already believe in. That’s all I have. I look forward to that day when the dead will come back to life. I look forward to seeing my cousin, my grand uncle, my grandma, my grand aunt, and now Junah. I miss all of them, and I am constantly reminded that life would not have been the same without them.
I am sad. My heart is broken. Junah is not here, not next door, not down the corridor. She is gone from the earth. I wish she was here, for my selfish reasons. I wish I could pat her one more time. But I can’t. She’s not even my dog. I am so sad. She’s not even my dog and I am so heartbroken.
I would have not survived living here without her here.
I hope she is in a better place. I am glad that she is no longer sick, but I am not glad that she died. I am sad.
Life cannot be lived without remembering the dead. I will remember Junah, and those who have passed on. I have to remember them, because at the end of the day, death is truly inevitable.
There was a man who sought joy and happiness. He searched high and low. He painted himself with attractive bright colors to appear happy and joyful. Then he started to seek thrills, sought success, sought money, power, and fame. He tried everything and anything.
As he sat down one day, exhausted in his search, he observed a family nearby. They were smiling, but wearing poor clothing. They had each other’s company and enjoyed it, but the man was alone, because he had exhausted everyone else in his search for happiness.
These people were not the smartest around: they spilt food that was preciously bought, they offended each other with miscommunication, and yet, they were still happy. He saw it in their eyes. They had cared for each other, and they were happy. They even gave food happily to the stray cats nearby.
He sat there and envied them. They had no hopes of being rich, successful, or powerful. But they were happy. He envied them for their lack of achievements, for their contentment with the present. He grew insanely jealous, as he observed all that they were happy with. He sat there, stewing in frustration, while the family continued to frolic in the sun. He sat there and planned something. He knew there and then, that if he could not have the happiness he wanted, he would take it from everyone else that had it. At least then everyone would be miserable together.
He took the money he earned, and bought over their houses. He emptied out the other families that lived in the building, and replaced that with offices; for work, for profit, for chasing after his versions of happiness. He found little bits of fun that they still tried to have for themselves, and he bought those over as well. Whatever he found that was out of his power to buy, he ordered laws against them and made them criminal.
Bit by bit, he took happiness away from everyone else. He sat again, at the same spot, again exhausted, but now from removing happiness from everyone. The family was no longer there, replaced by a franchised store, selling knick knacks at marked up prices. As he sat down, and decided that he was happy, that he had removed happiness from everyone else. And there, he found his happiness.
(I published this story first on Medium – medium.com/@trisected)
(I wrote this on Medium first, but I thought to share it here since I mentioned that I’ve been writing on Medium. Follow me there please 🙂 )
I’m not trying to point fingers but I really did not like the guy before reading some of these articles.
Medium was a fresh new idea in an age where all the personal media was getting shorter and shorter. 201 was a year of a lot of adjustments for me personally, and I found myself reading a ton on medium. This is pre clap medium, the medium that was pushed as Ev Williams next big project, and I really loved it. That age of Medium where publications were getting bigger and bigger, and it was exciting.
One of the media outlets I read a lot of was Cuepoint. They had interesting articles on a genre of music I was familiar with: hip hop. At that time, I was really into Wu Tang, and The Notorious B.I.G.. and life was pretty great. Then comes along Cuepoint with articles about the Top Ten Kanye tracks, and Why Kanye changed the way I view music. I couldn’t really find the right articles, but something like this really made me stop and read.
It’s A Celebration: Kanye West’s Late Registration, 10 years later
Have you ever listened to an album and immediately realized that it would change your life? The feeling that one gets…matthewalmont.medium.com
Was Kanye that important? Did I really need to know about this Yeezus? Then, the Air Yeezys were out and I didn’t like feel like I could get along with his style that much, so I didn’t really bother. But these articles were telling me about his music artistry. Gold Digger was a big track in Singapore, getting the most radio play out of all the Kanye tracks then, and it felt like just a good pop song. I saw him discredit Taylor Swift, and I found that offensively funny. An action that was so rude that it was actually meme-able, and it definitely has been.
So I decided to be unbiased and to try listen.
My Twisted Dark Fantasy was one consistently proclaimed as Kanye’s magnum opus, and I thought that should be the first one I start with.
“Well gather round children, zip it listen!”
And man I was listening. It was an excellently arranged album. I really enjoyed how every song brought different flavors together and the more I listened the more curious I was to how he would have performed the songs live. And then I watched the series of concert fails that Kanye did, with him screaming at his DJ for dropping the tracks, or the lighting going off, or something just not being up to the standard that he wanted.
What better album to go to next with than the album title linking his own name with Jesus. And so I listened to the deconstructed album of opening of Yeezus. “Yeezy season approaching, F*** whatever y’all been hearing…”
Track by track, I worked through this really alternative sounding album.
And then I found Bon Iver for the second time. I had known Justin Vernon as the guy who sang really folky songs, but not as this deconstructionist. I really enjoyed the stuff. It felt like it sunk into your gut.
But I digress, the topic was how Medium got me more and more into Kanye. If you search now, like how I just did on the tag of Kanye West, there’s about 4.5K articles tagging this guy. I mean that’s a lot of coverage. Comparatively, Taylor Swift is at 3.5K. One is a guy who currently is so far out of public favor, and the other has re-released her pop hits to be sung over and over again by Gen Z’s.
But I assure you, it was not “New Kanye” that got me into it. It was the Old Kanye, the one that wrote Jesus Walks. The one that performed with huge bright lights shining straight down at him. The one that collaborated with Paul McCartney. The one that worked hard to change the way the world works.
I had no idea that hip hop had this other edge to it. Beyond the lyricism, and something that would alter the pop culture as a whole. I could hear Kanye’s influence in K-Pop with BigBang and the other artists that they inspired. Styles, ideas, creativity, all with Kanye’s radical approaches. I never knew it would be, until I started reading about him on Medium.
I guess my hope in writing this article is that one day some of the artists that we introduce here might influence a generation of sorts. He or She or They might end up becoming very alternative, and very against our current grain of society. The articles promoting them might not be taken down, but the truth of it is, at the end of the day, they still produced great music at some point of their lives.
I thank the writers that wrote the articles, because if it wasn’t for them, I would have never found the musical artistry of this crazed man. I hope Kanye turns around some day, much like the tone that Jeen-yuhs took. I hope one day, he’ll come back with music that heals more than his dividing words.
I also think Casey shares his experience the best, but mine’s really a lot specific to Medium, and not dancing with him on stage.
It’s been awhile blog. So long that I had to go to my site to check when was the last post I made. I apologise for my absence, here’s some updates of what’s been happening:
There’s probably a few other things that I forgot about, but I think that’s more or less that I’m mainly thinking about in the past month. I’m also learning how to just be myself sometimes. It’s so challenging when there are a lot of emotions based on how people respond to me. I don’t know what I prefer, but I know that I’m not happy with their responses. Is that okay? Probably, but it’s just annoying to go through.
Catch you guys soon.
I don’t think anyone ever prepares you for the multiple times that you have to go through different changes, learning different things and different parts of your life. I guess some people warn you, like your parents, or family members who are concerned enough to say something. But it’s not like we actually listen to what they’re saying, we just think that they’re raining on our parade.
I’m not going through any bad patch right now, but I was just thinking about the things we’re told to look out for when we’re growing up. In Singapore, we’re always told to make sure that we eat right, that we take care of our money well, and to be careful whenever we move around. That’s the simple stuff. The harder and more intimate ones are about how we need to look out for people who are trying to make buck out of us, to remember to care for our parents and family members, or maybe just to learn how to be a human being.
I’m going to receive my BTO keys tomorrow. For those who are not from Singapore, these are the Built To Order housing units. Most Singaporeans live in a HDB Apartment, standing for Housing Development Board. It’s public housing, but because of how it’s made, it’s the standard form of living for us. A BTO would mean that I’ve got to put a downpayment of a certain amount of money, and then wait for the apartment buildings to be built. Considering it’s public housing, we’re encouraged to use our government reserved money, and that is under the care of the CPF — Central Provident Fund. This basically takes a portion of our pay, and places it into a government owned banking system. Every citizen has their CPF, as employers need to also pay a certain amount into their employees CPF.
So after all the acronyms, what basically happens is that they will take our CPF to pay for our HDB apartment BTO. I don’t physically have to pay a cent, but instead the government sorts out the money on their end, based on these amounts that are transacted into the different funds. Thus, public housing.
It takes an average of about 2-3 years to build a BTO apartment, but because of the pandemic, we’re hitting the 3-5 year mark for some apartment buildings. I had signed the downpayment in 2019, and now we’re at the 2022 mark, which gives us about three years of waiting so far. I’ve grown quite accustomed to where I currently live, because it’s really central, and there will definitely be another range of posts about moving away from where I live. After all, all my keyboard videos and this entire journey started from this room, in this space.
But yeah, moving, leaving spaces, owning my own space, that’s really part of growing up nothing can really prepare you for. I feel just at a weird state of uncertainty that I’m quite cautious about, not fearful, just sad to leave.
How would I prepare myself to move? The emotional separations and change, not so much for the actual shifting. Those things are easy to do. It’s always the heart things that take a lot more from me that I prepared for.
It’s tough to grow up.
I don’t think I approached turning this age easily. I don’t think anyone approaches age as something simple these days, but instead, we approach it as if we have ought to have cleared certain milestones, or some levels of some sort by this time.
By this time, my dad who was 33, already had me and my sister, and I can’t imagine how he felt then. I don’t think he was a lot more certain of life that I was, but they had me already by then. More than that, my parents were trying their best then to just have fun in life, not that they were specifically planning for kids. My mum always tells me that they were initially saving for the first Macintosh, but instead, I came along and they had to work out what to do. A lot more expensive than a Mac for sure.
I don’t think times have changed that much. Amongst my friends, my parents are one of the younger ones. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have expectations of myself for I had hoped to be at by now. That being said, the expectations and ideals that one has when they’re in their twenties, compared to actually living out their lives in their thirties is something completely different. It’s always different when it’s your own life.
I am glad that I’m about to own my own house, for real this time. Not just another down payment, but an actual time to receive the keys and call the place my own. It’s something that I’m proud to have of my own. Renting so far has been a learning lesson for sure, but I can’t imagine starting a family here, where I am currently renting.
I might have wanted to be better at some of the hobbies I have, but instead, one of the skills I’ve learnt to excel at is people. And I can talk to people forever and ever. I can go on forever. I love to watch and learn about people the most, including myself. Perhaps if my hobbies gravitated around human interaction more, that would have changed things. But instead, I’m good at talking, but still really shit at skateboarding.
I wish I had documented more of my life. I think that would have led to a lot more interesting discussions and findings for myself. Maybe it would also be a lot of interesting content for the years ahead. Who knows, but at least I’ll start documenting whatever I can here and now.
To more years of doing things.
I decided that it was going to be a bit too much to merge my thoughts onto my keyboard channel, and so, one of things that I need to start is to start developing for my side channel. Perhaps my side channel would end up being the main, but the point being that I can’t just keep doing keyboard tests videos with the subtitles as my thoughts and sharing there, but instead, I should give myself a clean break to just produce whatever I want to try as a whole.
This really sucks, because it means that I have to start my channel from scratch, but I could always do the piggybacking that I see other creators do as well. It takes some effort to plan all this, and I’m quite terrified of what that would look like. I don’t think I’ve done much difference since the last few times, but I think that I’ll have a different voice as a whole.
But that’s kinda the way the world likes things, myself included. I want to have a certain type of information given to me in a certain type of way, and I search for it that way. I don’t want to hear other things about other stuff, if I’m looking for sound tests. At the same time if I’m watching something for the lifestyle of it, then why would I want to watch someone typing on the same channel too? Wouldn’t it get confusing?
Anyway, this problem is something that I’ve dealt with for a number of years. My friends have suggested both ends: one to compile all of the things together, and the other to just have completely separate channels. Those two things really do stand some distance apart, and personally, I think it’s about time to try have a separate channel for each interest. But this blog here will always remain the same, convoluted mess that I choose to remain as.
I did this purely for the fun of it, and there are some really interesting things that I found out.
This is a classic action show but sprinkled with some spy elements. But honestly with the amount of things that get blown up, or that everything gets uncovered, there’s not much spy work, but a lot more action instead. And this starts from the first one all the way through.
The Impossible Mission Force (IMF) is not linked to any government agency, but instead is depending on the US Secretary (I’m actually not sure which one) to sanction the agency’s activities. The largest scale of the IMF ever shown is in MI3, where Ethan has to deal with the mole in the agency, and Lawrence Fishburne is the main handler that deals with everything. There’s a scene where Ethan Hunt has to escape the IMF themselves, and of course they fail to restrain him.
Practically speaking, this is a huge reason why there can be so much rogue activity from one single agent, Ethan Hunt himself. Comparatively, MI5 and MI6 both feature the CIA playing a hand at trying to retain IMF or working alongside, and CIA agents are portrayed as a parallel agency, but with stricter guidelines for sure. At that point, IMF is basically Ethan Hunt with his team to manage most of everything else. The only other movie that shows IMF having multiple teams is in MI1, where another team is introduced to take down Ethan Hunt’s team for having a mole within their team in the first place.
Through MI4-6, Ethan starts to form the theory of the Syndicate. Because of the somewhat poor story telling of the Syndicate itself, it seems like Ethan is really making things up, ending up in a series of very difficult situations where one questions his sanity. He makes choices over and over again, that seem to prove a paranoid stance, where everyone is against him. There isn’t much respite, and at the end of MI6, at least it seems that the Syndicate’s major presence is dealt with, by the capturing of Solomon Lane.
But this story about the syndicate brings me to a major point:
There’s not really any major story line that progresses through. Ethan is just having his team grow and develop over time, but other than that, nothing else is constant. It almost feels like a Bond movie, just lacking a lot of overall story. At least James Bond is tied to the MI6 (British Intelligence, not the movie).
MI3 introduces his wife, Julia, and that seems to be a major cause for concern: the unstoppable agent finally tied down because he has a loved one he cares about. This also seems to be the underlying plot for the Mission Impossible movies, that something has happened to Julia, and Ethan needs to do something to make sure that the world she lives in is safe.
I used to look at Tom Cruise and think, man this guy never gets old. But literally watching movie after movie, I see him aging, and it’s a good development. He is indeed a very strong and athletic actor, but he really does get older in each show. It is just us who feel weird, because a man who we saw growing up still keeps fit. He is really really fit.
I watched everything on Netflix, because honestly, I just wanted something fun and silly to watch that had a series that I could follow. I thought it would be fun to try the Mission Impossible series, and it actually was.
I always wonder who comes to this site, and how you found me. If you’ve read this, just comment and let me know.
I’ve been thinking about it because I think on this site, on this page, I’ve got such a wide range of interests and thoughts, and I have no idea what draws people to which side of things. I know that my YouTube definitely draws some people in, and then on my Instagram as well. But really, I think that it’s all over the place.
I’ve been thinking this specifically because of my thoughts on how to develop my web presence. I don’t have that one thing that I would like to stress less than others. A lot of the different parts of me are really working quite equally most of the time, and I feel a great need to make the best of it daily.
That being said, I’m trying to commit to making YouTube videos as much as I can, and then also to keep posting my sketches and watercolor work more often. And then of course, to keep writing, and to keep talking about what I’m thinking about, because I think that’s really what I hope to communicate to everyone else. I don’t ever hope for my work to be taken out of context, but to always be viewed in the context of my everyday life.
It’s always everything everywhere all at once. lol.
What a click bait title! O-M-G!
But I think sometimes when I write here, or if I’m just talking about things that I like, sometimes it feels like I’m making things up. Not that I’m lying about things, but it feels as if there’s only that much that’s really going on. Maybe the feeling of how I feel on keyboard’s really isn’t all that detailed. Maybe that experience that I had isn’t that much to build on. Maybe it’s just a joke of some sort.
But in so many ways, this whole culture of growing what we think ought to be shared becomes something that I end up standing by and agreeing with, as I do things like vlog, or make videos on YouTube. It’s just what we need to understand each other better.
The opposite is if I just said, yeah you can type with any keyboard. Then there would be no fun to doing any or half of the things that I do on the channel.
But I guess that’s the part, I’m trying to be real, and not to make up what I’m actually feeling. And that’s the part needs to be tempered every now and then. It helps to have friends that are real, to tell me if I’m being nonsensical in the things that I say. They help to balance me if I’m saying something just way too crazy, or laugh at me for being ridiculous. It’s a good break from myself so much of the time.
Anyway, my youtube keyboard videos have been going up consistently, but a part of me really wishes I did more things for the other parts of my life. I deeply wanted to do that last month, but I just got too busy living it and chilling out. And now I’m in a new job, and things are moving on again. So it feels like its all moving along without me having a chance to try and build something.
But we’ll see how things go. I’m keen to explore some other methods of getting footage, or editing. We’ll see how things go from there I guess.
It’s been a really long time since I’ve used a fully split keyboard to type with. They’ve been blank, without keycaps, switches and just left alone. But I decided to restart some hobbies that I haven’t done for a long time for the sake of retraining my brain again. It’s not easy typing on full splits again, I think it’s really been a good year since putting them on to try and type a full post or paragraph of things, but here we are, typing on the Lily58.
I spent the day, literally day, going through all my switches, and closing up some of them that were unbuilt for too long. There was a period of time last year, where I was on the frakenswitch trial of making as many frankenswitch recipes as possible. And that ended up with me having bags of switch parts thrown around my keyboard cupboard. Normally, that wouldn’t be too much of an issue, but I think today, I just wanted to sort things out, so that I could start finishing up some boards.
It was like a good part of my keyboard journey stopped abruptly last year, and this year I tried in bits and pieces to revive it. I feel like restarting it appropriately right now, but honestly, perhaps my approach to this hobby should be more measured this time, not jumping into huge purchases, but testing over and over and over again on multiple boards for the true best case scenario of each board or switch or combination.
In any case, its not like I’ll have the capital to get into anything really big. I’ve got a few things at home to start saving for now, and I’m finding my pace in my new old job now. I didn’t manage to jump onto the YouTube train the way that I had hoped, but I have now two videos in edit library that I will get sorted hopefully before the month ends. I have 9 more days, or 8 actually, but yeah, hopefully I get something out by this week. That would be a great aim actually.
I miss having time to sit down and type slowly, or learning a new board format (in this case relearning). A part of me enjoys the repetitive action of just lubing switches, or rearranging things. It’s a mental stretching exercise: something that’s not too tiring, but at the same time, it’s not exactly letting my brain go completely relaxed.
I hope to write more again. I hope to do more keyboard stuff again. I started skating again last Friday, and sketching has kicked back in consistently for Saturday. Who knows, I really might be living the dream with my work pace balancing out totally by this year end!
I’ve been avoiding writing for a few days now. I have some idea why, and it’s related to why my videos go up slow on YouTube as well, and why I don’t post anything on Instagram much either.
I don’t think I’m that good at many things. I think I’m good at thinking of ideas, but I keep thinking that I’m not good at making it happen. I keep thinking that I don’t finish it well, or execute it properly. It’s not like I’ve gotten a bad review of anything, but I’m just really not sure of what I feel about how something turns out. I feel like I can’t trust what people say, or how I feel about something, and it means that sometimes I just let things go because I feel like it.
I don’t think that’s the way I should do it, but that’s what I feel and that’s usually what holds me back. Until a day comes along like today, where I feel like there’s too much thought going on right now in my own brain, and I need to let it go, to make sense of it all.
So I pen this down, because I want to make more things, but my own mind is saying no. I’ll be going back to do this program that I really enjoyed a few years back called The Artist Way. It’s a 12 week course of reassessing yourself as a creative, or just as a human actually. And it’s totally private. I’m looking forward to doing it for sure, but it’s gonna be a challenge. It takes time and effort to do it, but I want to, because I’m kinda done feeling the way that I currently do. I need to get out of my own head, and let myself go and make something happen.
All this being said, I’m gonna make edit a video and get it up for tomorrow.
See ya, and thanks for everyone who’s been sticking around all this time. I appreciate it, and I hope to keep on at it.
It’s been some time since the last update, but basically I was trying to clear things so that I could prepare well for my trip to Melbourne. I also think that I had over estimated the things I wanted to do, and I planned a few too many things over each other. Had even double booked myself while on leave. Thankfully my time away has allowed me to literally free up my calendar because everything was and still is uncertain until I actually come back and start my work again.
But onto the main things: Melbourne in 2022! I’ve got friends and family here, and it was nice getting to see people that I haven’t seen since pre-pandemic. It’s really deep conversations with people that I wished I had more time with, but unfortunately we’re literally staying on different continents.
I really have missed the city itself, and walking around the different streets and lanes make me recall so many different times with different people. I’m coming back to a place that had influenced my adulthood by a lot, because of the periodic times I’ve arrived at, and now that I’m older I appreciate it quite differently. Nature, for example, stood out much bigger to me than before. Natural spaces, and intentional spots of nature placed in were both things that had never really caught my attention before, but I was keen on this time.
I think that Australia in itself was already beautiful, but from some of the updates that I’ve heard from family, some of the park areas were built up a bit more during the pandemic. I’m arriving in the middle of winter, which doesn’t lead to much greenery, but I’ll say that its definitely green enough for me. I’m a huge winter guy, so the weather is honestly the bee’s knees for me. (I’ve also picked up quite a bit of Aussie slang, so that’s still a thing right now)
Not that it would be that surprising, but I’m really not looking forward to working as a whole. It’s not that I don’t or won’t like my job. I am actually looking forward to that in a big way. But it’s the idea of working that feels a bit painful to me. I’m not sure what part of it I’m actually dreading, and maybe one day I’ll put it into words a bit better. But basically, I think it’s the nine to five of it, or just that routine as a whole. I’ll be okay with it once I’m in it, but right now, it’s just something that’s not holiday, and therefore, I’m not looking forward to it. I’m really trying to suck in as much rest time as possible, but honestly, it feels like it’s not rest anymore too. Maybe that’s a good reason for me to get back into a routine soon, and maybe at that time, I’ll be okay with going back to work then.
I should really think out this part of how I’m feeling more and give you all an update here. But I relate it to how I don’t take commissions for keyboard builds. I just do it because I want to, and if you pay me for it, then I recommend you going to pay someone else for it. I just want to make something for the pure fun of it.
But maybe like what Casey Neistat went through, one day I would find the money alright, and I’ll be okay with it. But maybe, and one day.
We’ll see how things go then. 😛
Also, because this is the end of the July thing, I’m shifting some things around. I’ll keep on writing, I didn’t manage to finish it. I also didn’t manage to finish editing my youtube things properly, or to actually start the channel proper. But I’ll do that in the time to come and to make it work for real. Starting the Aug 2022 tag for the month to come!
Typing on: Vintage Cherry Black Switches, spring swapped to 63.5G+ Springs from ThicThock, soldered onto a WT60-D WeirdFlex, with a Polycarbonate Plate, and mounted into a Resin Case. Typing with MT3 Extended 2048.
I felt like I really wanted to tell someone that, because I walked by one of the tech fairs in Singapore, and they had a mechanical keyboard station with a lot of clones going on. I don’t know what to feel about clones and about having people who don’t really know too much about keyboards talk about keyboards. It feels like I’m gatekeeping, and it’s not nice to feel like the asshole in the situation. So I shut up, and I’m writing here instead about how special my keyboard is, instead of talking shit about someone else’s first keyboard.
It’s really not easy to write every day. I’m not writing here everyday, because I’m trying to write on my novel thingum (it’s more of a collection of short stories), and I actually do think that it gets better writing more and more. I have to apply so much thought, and then I have to try and make sense of so many things. But after like the first 15K words, I think I’ve understood a bit more, and I read myself better, and I write a little better too.
When I miss a day or two of writing, I actually have to spend some time to catch back on what I was writing. It helps when I’ve had that time away, and I can read through and understand what I’ve written. I’ve edited myself often enough, and that’s not fun. It’s like reading an old journal, and you cringe through all your thoughts as a teenager. Just that you’re not a teenager, and it was two days ago.
But here we are today, I haven’t written yet, because I’m still trying to get my mojo working. But I really want to make something good happen in the coming few weeks, especially when I’m away in Melbourne.
I’ll be in Melbourne for the next two weeks, starting tomorrow. It’ll be a fun time for sure, and I’m quite excited to be present in the land that I’ve not been to since 2018. I’ve actually got a stick of lip balm with me since then, and I’m really tempted to just go ahead and still use it. If anything happens, I’ll probably just buy another stick there again, and maybe it’ll get stuck in my pocket for another 4 years.
There are so many things that I was supposed to have done, like blog here daily, or to rearrange my room, or do up my YouTube channels properly, or write my attempt at the NaNoWriMo. But everything seems to be “ok, I can do this later” and its all being done in one way or another in my head.
But in actuality, it’s really not done.
I thought I’d write today about how I finally finished shifting the things in my room around, and it’s in a position that I’m quite happy with. But it’s not near as neat as what I want it to, and it’s probably gonna take another day or arranging to get everything neat and orderly. But at least it’s in the right place, and I can watch or listen to something as I clean the room up.
The room has gone through so many reiterations, and I cannot state how much I value function over form. There is no point having a room that is neat but the function of the room is unusable. Why would anyone do that to themselves. I’d rather a huge mess that is understood, than a room that has everything hidden away, and takes forever for the person to use it.
The same thing works for working groups. There’s no point having a team that looks good, or seems to have everything covered on the outside, but functionally does not know what to do. I’d find myself just as frustrated, or it would take just as long to get things going, and that in itself is not a very fruitful way for teams to work, or for people to move forward.
Perhaps the idea is about saving face, and the appearances to people on the outside. If the room looks clean, then it must be well maintained right? But what’s the point of a well maintained room if the people are not home all the time? There’s little benefit to a nice looking thing without the purpose well built into it.
So maybe instead of making things work out well in our heads, the key part is to really do something and make sure the work is done. I don’t think much needs to be said other than to actually do the work. And I just need to do the work right now.
I’m not even in a working team at the moment, but I think I’m still in the midst of processing and figuring out the working strategies that I enjoy working with.
It’s been a really hot few days in Singapore. Everything’s in this mess of “what are we to do now”. Housing mortgage loans went up, so everyone’s trying to get in with the government loans instead. The train services went mad for a weekend, and people couldn’t go home for some time. It feels like the world is shutting down.
But of course, that’s not really what’s happening. I think it’s just life being life. It’s been hard to really focus the past few days. I’ve been enjoying my freedom, and writing a bunch here and there, but just not on the blog. I’ve been enjoying typing on multiple keyboards again everyday. For the past year it’s been working on whatever I have that day, and not getting the whole range, but guess what! The freedom of not having a job means that I can choose to type whenever I want, with as many keyboards as I want.
One thing I realized recently, that I think is worth talking about, is that even when you become an adult, bullies are still around.
They exist in different forms of course. No one is going to wrestle you into a corner and force your lunch money from you. But something that does happen is that some adults feel as insecure as they did growing up. Maybe they feel even worse, because when we were all kids, we could still get away with childish behaviour. But if that was all we knew of our own sense of power and authority, then that becomes how we try to exert our influence on the people around us.
I’ve seen that happen first hand in the past few years. Adults behaving like children. Worst still, being non confrontational, and hiding behind their justified actions, exactly like when I catch children doing something wrong. Then as I scale to think, why in the world would people think that this is the right way to live, I realise the world actually encourages that behaviour. I see many world leaders doing that in one way or another. I see interviews, I see discussions, engagements, and the more you read about it, the crazier it gets.
But the point I think is essential is for each individual to be your own person and understand yourself. Having confidence is definitely a luxury that is invaluable, and no amount of money can buy that for you. The most that could happen is hiding behind that money, but then who are you after that?
So I hope that as you read this, and if you’ve come from keyboards to look for keyboard advice, nope, you’ve got some life advice instead. Don’t be a dick to other people, and learn who you are in life, as early as possible. Life does not get nicer to you in the long run, so just be nice to people because you can be sure of who you are instead.
I’ve just completed my last day of work officially. I was working in a church, and it has been a good two years of work, to the day exactly. I started on the 6th of July 2020, in the middle of a pandemic, and now we are on the 6th of July 2022. And time really does fly, especially when you’ve been working from home most the time, if not managing this whole range of chaotic mess of hybrid meetings and the like.
The past few days, I’ve been missing. Specifically because I’ve been really busy trying to get things done just before ending my work. Even though I’m supposed to have been on leave, I’m still managing roles as a volunteer. This is the weird nature of a church worker’s job: does he exist as a volunteer still? Or just as a staff working?
In any case, there’s a lot that I had to manage in the past few days, involving looking through hundreds of group chats to see which ones I need to leave for, and which ones I should stay on in. Group chats are the usual channel of messaging for many working people in Singapore. I actually don’t know what’s the working norm in other countries, but in Singapore, it’s a group chat. Either on WhatsApp or Telegram messenger.
I’ve also been on a retreat, and getting to hear very interesting sharing from friends who are very like minded in our approaches to church. There’s definitely a sentiment that the church is changing, and I’m not sure how ready the existing church is for it. I wonder who will be the one to push that barrier in the time ahead, but I’m expecting it to happen some time soon.
But in the vein of all the new things that are happening, I’m also thinking, what of my YouTube and channel ideas and all of that. I’m just going to go for it, and start planning out parts of my life to film. I’m really nervous about it, and I’m glad that it’s been okay so far, but I am totally unsure how I will feel.
I’m currently questioning my aesthetic and theme, and if that’s how I want the world to see me. But at the same time, that’s the style that I’m the most used to. So is that okay? or is it not okay?
My brain makes all these weird decisions throughout the day, without actually doing anything. And that does not help me one bit.
I’m going to sleep now, because I had a very heavy farewell lunch today, and I skipped dinner, but I’m feeling the hunger starting to kick in a little bit. I think my body is just confused about what time it is and why my mouth isn’t moving.
I also spent the dinner food time rearranging my room instead. I like to start things on a fresh slate, and I would very much like to have a good fresh slate as I approach my month of new activity. Stay tuned to see how that’s gonna turn out!
My new job starts on the 1st of August officially, but 10th of August in reality, because I’ll be traveling and I really need a break.
I really need a break.
I’ve posted a new video on YouTube today, and it really took some part of me to make that happen. I actually showed my face, gasp, and unlike other times, like on stream, I actually had to edit myself. It was honestly an uncomfortable experience, and I spent the last few days questioning myself about it. Like should I still do more of these kind of videos and things like that.
And I’m diving deep into so many questions about myself: what do I stand for as a person? Am I okay with how I’m presenting myself, and how I’m presenting my work on YouTube? Are these things that I can be proud of?
And all these questions aside; a part of me says to myself: at least this version of me is producing something. Not like the other versions of myself questioning everything that’s being done, but not actually producing. Even if its a bad video, at least it’s still a video. The worst YouTubers don’t exist on YouTube, and I have to start somewhere.
So in all this, my next video that I’m going to film will hopefully be my channel intro, and what I hope to do as a whole. Then I really have to make sense of my workflows and what I really want to become as a person on the Internet.
Anyway, to the next few exciting chapters of my life!
In many ways, a lot of why I started writing a lot more here is because of Seth Godin and his blog. I love this guy, and I love the way he thinks about so many things, because it feels like what I would have done if given the courage to just do it.
Maybe it is quite an entitled way to think, I’ve been considering that notion more frequently these days. But honestly, if it gets things done, then I’m all for it.
There are many days, like today, where I have no idea what to start with. By the time I can come to my computer to just sit and think, the day is almost over, and I’m just feeling drained. Like an egg yolk separated from the white, just all messy all over and sticky cause I sweat a lot.
But then I find little reminders of the inspiration I draw from people like Seth Godin. I can just do something now, and just do it today.
I really want to incorporate bits like this into my YouTube, because I think it’s part of who I am a lot. The part of me that struggles and flip flops with decisions. I want to share that part of me, because I feel that I have to behave a certain way a lot of the time when I’m around other people. I have to be older, be wiser, be certain. I’m just quite a normal guy, because I do struggle. But I’m not that normal, because I just want to do something to stop that struggle. I don’t like frustration, and I would do anything to end frustrations, even if it means getting more frustrated for a short time. Because it would be worth it at the end of the day.
But for today, I’ll just write this out. At least.
It’s the first of July! And I’m already behind on some of the things that I really want to do. But let’s not continue on the wrong foot, and I’m going to get this blog going once more as I get myself ready for the things ahead.
I signed myself up for NaNoWriMo – National Novel Writing Month. Something like a push for myself to really get into writing properly. It’s not going really well today actually, I’ve only hit 597 out of my 50,000 word count that I’m hoping to hit. And I had hope to write daily. This really just makes me feel a ton of pressure, but honestly I know that I have this story in rough. I just need a good push to get it started, and this NaNoWriMo is hopefully it. If you’re on it, please look for me there: trisected everywhere
I’m really trying to get back into YouTube proper, and start that whole video discussion and talking about life kinda thing. I’m definitely branching off where this blog has been, and I share all sorts of ideas and stuff. But I’ll hopefully share as honestly there. It’s really a pain to do editing, that’s one. The other is really how weird it is to talk to the camera. It really feels So Cringe. I can’t believe I even sent a video up. It’ll be out on the 3rd.
I’m in the middle of changing jobs, but at the same time, I’m really thinking about passive incomes OR just making some side money as a whole. Not really the same as moonlighting, but more like selling the things I currently have on second hand trading websites. Things like that. I’ve got a lot of crap and hopefully that can get me some money back.
I’ve got a bunch of paintings that I do owe a bunch of people. I haven’t drawn for a really long time, and I’m feeling rusty. But hopefully, my creativity explodes immensely. It’s a lot of things pent up inside.
That’s about it!! Thanks for reading, always appreciate the one or two of you coming to see this. See you around!
It’s been some time since writing something here. I have many things on my mind, but I haven’t really been able to put it together just yet. Also, I’m in the middle of my last few weeks of my current job, so I’m really just thinking through a range of things. Thankfully, I don’t find my identity tied to my occupations that much, but its still separating that I’m learning how to deal with better, much like my last post.
But just to keep things exciting a bit, here’s a piece of music from my own history:
Remembering my own youth, sitting on my grand pa’s bed, listening to this on his stereo.
It’s been a very emotional past few days for me. I’m finally at a point where I think I’m ready with my feelings, and I can actually say something that makes sense. If you’ve been following my Instagram, or read a few posts back, I’ve said briefly that I’ve been fostering two kittens. It’s been a good month since, and now we’re at the start of June, and the kittens have been adopted.
involves availing your home to be a safe space for kittens to stay in. This means cat proofing your house where appropriate. My windows had a simple mesh placed over it, where the cats would not be allowed to climb through. Later, we also found out that there should have been better ways to manage the kittens climbing through our cutlery and crockery.
As this is going on in your house, a listing for adoption goes up, and the kittens can be legally adopted into your home. I don’t know what the full process of that is, and would probably be an adoption post on its own, but all I did this time was fostering. The foster family is given priority to decide if it wants to keep the kittens and adopt them. Unfortunately for us, we’re in the middle of too many things for us to take on a pair of kittens that would grow into full size cats.
And so, the time comes when potential adopters come by to visit, and to check out the kittens. It’s a simple process, they just see if they like the kittens, and if they’re okay to take on the ownership of the kittens in the long run. If they’re okay, then they will have to start the process of cat proofing their house, and getting all the necessary parts in place.
This process takes about a week or so on the quick side, and for us, it took about two weeks for the adoption family to confirm that their house was ready for the kittens to come.
It wasn’t always easy taking care of the kittens, in fact, it was really quite a challenge. At the first week, they couldn’t jump too high, so we could prepare their meals easily, and they would just wait somewhere for us to get their food ready. Then after some time, they could jump higher, and get in the way of preparing food.
I remember one morning, I was preparing the meal, and they jumped on the plate as I was weighing it, so I basically grabbed one of the kittens and the plate of food, and put them into a corner and sort of left the other kitten to struggle to eat whatever was left of the food. Probably a spoonful or less. I was really upset. The kitten with less food kept whining cause it was hungry, but it was because the other kitten had taken all the food, I wanted them to learn. The whining continued but my logical brain took over and realised cats cannot reason the same way. I took the kitten that ate more food, and put him into a locked room, then I fed the other kitten a full bowl of food. It was a very angry morning, but it forced me to think very creatively how to feed the kittens in a way that would be fair. Great lesson on how to think creatively.
By the last week, we couldn’t eat at home, because the kittens would jump into our food, or try to stick their hands into anything. i wasn’t cooking anything, but just eating out before rushing back to take care of the kittens. It was really quite a mess of a schedule.
There were good emotions too. The kittens were quite afraid of the rain and thunder, and during one of the nights, they were hidden away into corners of my house, trying to hide out. So I sat in the middle of my home, and they came out to sit near me. I placed them on my lap or around me, and pat them to sleep slowly. That really made me grow to love them, and want to protect them.
And then there were deep sadness that overwhelmed, especially when they left and were leaving. The night before they left, we tried to sleep outside with them, but instead they were just running all over and having the zoomies. I still spent some time to hug them to sleep, or to just hold their paws through the day. I did this thing one with of them, where I would wrap the kitten with my tshirt, and pouch her up, like a little baby, then walk around the house. This gave her some sense of comfort, and I walked around the house like this for quite some time.
And the moment they left, I cried, so hard. I missed them being around, hiding in the different corners. I missed having a little one to pat to sleep at night, or to carry around the day. I missed the hassles of having to feed them, or the frustration that came around our lifestyles. It felt real, and something bigger than ourselves, Clarice and me.
The next day, I came back to the house alone, and I said “Hi Kittens, I miss you” to no kittens being around. Then I just walked around the house bawling my eyes out. Just plain and simple wailing, as if someone died. Because at that point, someone did leave me, and it was the kittens.
I searched out how to deal with the loss of a pet, and I just kept looking for help. Recommendations were things like writing memorials (like this one), or to share with people who understood it. So I wrote a really sad post on Instagram, and cried profusely as I wrote it. I just missed them so much at that time.
It was really a mix of the little things, having to close the door slow, or having to watch my feet. Paying attention to what time it was and what food was needed to be prepared. Closing the door quick enough at times as well, to prevent them from going in and out of places, or the weird visits while I was on the toilet. It was really a mix of all these things.
In terms of lifestyle, it was a lot of coordination. Both Clarice and my own schedules needed to be aligned to see who needed to be feeding at which time slots. We were running around often, trying to settle our work timings, our free slots, and just trying to get by alive. It was a really crazy thing.
And all these things were things I missed. I really cherished my time with the kittens and learning from all these things. I miss them so much, but they’re really just too much for me to handle in my life, at this time.
Now they’re in a good place. They’re relaxed a lot more, and I think they’re really having a great space of their own to grow more, and become the kittens they could really be. I hope that all of the time we spent together was good for them, and I’m glad that they’ve survived us well. We were just trying to make sure they were staying alive at some point, but I think we really loved them deeply. I know I definitely did.
I’ll do a few more posts coming up soon about some moments with them, but I’ll stop it here for now. I’m really tired, and I’m just putting my thoughts out before I forget them.
I miss you kittens, hope you both are surviving well.
Every month gets past faster and faster. I realised that I haven’t posted a video on my YouTube for the past 2 months, one of my longest breaks yet. And I think I’ve got a good number of uncollected things at different locations around Singapore, because of my timings and how I’ve just been doing different things.
One key thing that I’m realizing is how much I don’t enjoy crowds at all, and having to see many crowds around town and the areas that I go to, it’s just a lot to deal with. Because of that, I enjoy bouldering at weird hours, where there are little people around. It feels right and it feels personal. I hate it when there’s a ton of people, and I have to deal with everyone else.
I haven’t been able to work on keyboard things for some time because of the cats as one part, and the other is that I’m trying to work out what it would be like to move between my MacBook and my iMac. So right now, I’m shifting between two devices a lot, and I’m not having that time to sit down and edit on just one. I wish I could, but it takes some time, some practice just to work that all out.
I’ve gotten some little footage, but I haven’t been building much either. The weirdest part is that now my keycaps are starting to come in, the GMK group buys that I had purchased are starting to be fulfilled. But I haven’t had the time to place them into the boards, and I haven’t had time to desolder or to reassemble.
It’s tough having a job, and trying to do this video filming things on the side. I’ve also gotten a bunch of footage for myself to work through on personal projects, but I’m just thinking how I want to keep it as a memory for myself, more than for YouTube or a public platform. A personal video for memory sake more than anything else.
Anyway, I’ll try to update more in the month coming, and then hopefully, I’ll get back onto schedule again.
It feels like I’m preparing to fulfill a group buy (feels like this https://rama.works/updates). These updates are a bunch of Keyboard ones, and also some life ones here and there.
Some major updates:
That’s about it, I just really need some headspace, but honestly I’ve no idea what to talk about where anymore. I think my brain just got too spread out over everything.
Hi Blog, it’s been some time. A good full month to be precise.
Jumping straight into it, I’ve been really into rock climbing since I’ve last updated. It was really quite expected, especially after the IPPT and the injury thereafter. I got so into it, that I’ve went back at least three times or four times since, and I’ve gotten a pair of shoes also.
The shoes will probably get more of a feature soon, as I dive yet again into even more hobbies. Climbing is fun, and I enjoy it, especially from the exercise of it. The shoes are so fancy and fun, those really suck me into the sport. It’s like running shoes too, that aspect of function and form. I really enjoy them.
I’ve been trying to produce a YouTube video about the IPPT thing, based loosely off my post here. It’s been frustrating mostly because I’ve not properly planned the thing, and I keep flopping about trying to get it done. It’s not fun when I’m running around aimlessly. I just need to sit down and really plan it through, but every time I sit down there’s something else I need to attend to, and my time is just taken from me. Not a good feeling at all.
We’ve also started to foster two kittens at home, for a month. My sister’s friend works in a cat shelter of sorts, or has connections to, and asked if we could help. Clarice said yes almost immediately, and they arrived in two days. As I am typing to you now, they’re sitting outside my study room door, playing around or waiting for me to come out.
It’s been a learning experience of what it means to take care of another living creature, and two kittens are really nuts to take care of. They run all over the place and get into so much dust. Really a lot of dust, which I’m allergic to.
In any case, I hope to start daily blogging again. I don’t like the excuses that I don’t have enough time, and I really want to change things up now. I want to get things going.
I have to!
My long posts about how IPPT scoring works, and how I geared myself to make sure I got a GOLD for today.
Highlights: I got into each of that last point in that last second. I was really scraping it through and I really just hammered that last point in, for both the sit ups and push ups. It was not easy, was not fun, but I got those points that I really needed.
For my run, I was holding my breath for the first few rounds, because I didn’t want to out pace myself. But in the last 100m, I was able to grab a full sprint easily, and I wasn’t even that tired out in the end. So I feel like I should have just sprinted the last 400m, and then gasp for air after all that was done. But anyway, no more testing to do, it’s all good.
Honestly, it was difficult. I had a really bad headache, and I honestly felt a little fluey. But it was worth it, and my training really helped me speed through so much of it. I recovered between each station a lot better, and even at the end, I felt really okay. It felt like I could have done another two more physical tests.
So the next few weeks will be cutting back my eating, cause I don’t need to burn so much anymore. Then I will need to start finding a good motivation to continue exercising, now that I don’t have an annual physical fitness test as the main aim.
First proper rest day that I don’t feel bad about in a month. I’m gonna enjoy it a little. Gonna look at getting myself some climbing shoes maybe!
Did you know that it’s already the end of March? The year has really moved so quickly and now we’re crossing over into the second quarter of the year. It’s really rushing and coming fast.
There were a lot of things that I wanted to do at the start of the year. But at the truth of it is that I could have done it. I wish I had better ways to make things happen.
I feel so much about this, that I actually bought myself a productivity, anti-procrastination type of program to get me to actually start to do things. Strangely enough, a part of me says that I should have just done those things that I wanted to do instead of getting this course. But I think the course will help me to think through better. I hope it does, because I’m really just done with how I think in the long run.
I really hope to have grown by leap and bounds, its not enough for me to just do this once, but I need to sort my own mind out in the long run.
Hopefully next year, I won’t feel that the year has gone by too quickly. And maybe just in the years to come, I would feel more accomplished about the days that have passed.
I keep thinking if I should have a better scheme, or a better content plan for my blog. My own answers to myself are: No, it is a blog, and the spontaneity is part of who I am. Secondly, I do have some specific content that I want people to read, and that’s on my pages. So I will always write as I feel like, and if it stretches over a series of posts, then good for you, the reader who is looking for specific content that is only that one single strain of things. I am, unfortunately, not a very one tracked person, and I am also unapologetic about it, as my life is increasingly varied.
I am learning more and more about the effects of denim on myself, on cold days like today. Today it finally rained cats and dogs, and maybe guinea pigs too. There was a pure sheet of white over the cityscape as I looked out, and the day kept its cool til the night. But my denim jacket on me started to lose its point, and I started to become this mix of cold and hot at the same time. I think something similar happens to me when I wear hoodies, but I think it happens differently then. I need to figure out what that difference is.
Also, I am realising that I really need to air my denim jacket often. I failed to do so last week, and today I smelled the jacket, and it smelt as a damp denim jacket should smell: Sweaty.
So my jacket is now currently airing, next to my jeans, and hopefully it clears itself out of my sweaty smells.
On a cool day like this, I remained the cool guy who decided not to wear his mask as he walked home from the clubbing districts of Singapore. I decided that I would embrace the cold air of the night, and just enjoy my walk home, after an evening of clearing up work. It was a nice walk, but I saw so many younger people just wearing their masks in packs. I was held my uncertainty within me, as I strode against their direction. They were going to club, but I was going home. And then it hit me. I am not a cool guy unmasked, but I’m the not cool guy unmasked not going out on a Tuesday night.
This is all sarcasm, in case it is misread and taken that I think myself not cool. But okay, whether you decide to wear your mask or not outdoors, I really can’t. Personally, I get too sweaty, and it just bugs me and makes me really uncomfortable. Don’t judge me, I was just telling a joke. It’s a prank bro.
Okay, gonna go do some laundry, good night world.
The rain appeared as a cloud, coming over the horizon from the view of my office windows. It looked majestic, as the grey washed over the windows, and poured on and on for a good hour or so.
The night is finally cool, and I showered with cool water, not the warm tepid water that just rinses. I actually take showers without a heater, because I like cold showers. But the past few days were so hot that even the water was just warm.
In Singapore we usually face a range of temperatures, but the current temperature that we’re at is just so hot that it doesn’t even make sense anymore. Today’s rain helped to cool it down by a little bit, and I hope it maintains, if not it’s gonna be really hard for me to take my IPPT on Thursday. Refer to my post about IPPT, if you’re not sure what that is.
Anyway, it’s about time to rest, and I really have been craving some tactility on a keyboard. So this coming week, I really need to change up some of my keyboards, for some different typing action. I’ll definitely update about that.
See ya.
I literally felt the sweat bead up on my chest, underneath my T-Shirt as I put it on after showering. Literally. I questioned all sense of what hygiene was about during my entire journey to meet my wife for lunch.
The sun bore down directly on me, all the day long. The worst part was when I saw the hope of a dark cloud, the possibility of rain. But instead it just moved over and the sun came back again. It was so, so, so hot.
These hot days add challenges to my sleep as well. I wake up full of sweat, and just really hot. I have to change my shirt, I have to move my pillows away, because it’s just too wet, full of sweat. More things to sun dry the next day. And all I hope is that I get some sleep at some point. It’s horrendous, these hot days.
I really just hope tomorrow I get to hide in the shelter of air conditioning in my office, and I really hope that I don’t need to do too much physical work, in this attempt to stay cool through the day.
Really just such a hot day today.
I think I haven’t changed my keyboard in way too long.
Now, I’m not doing a keyboard post in hope of boosting my blog site views or anything. Nor am I trying to get more content out of my keyboard obsession. I’m saying this furreal, because I felt that today, as I was typing away at work.
I miss the feeling of tactiles on a keyboard. That nice snappiness to the keypresses, that tactility. Just so fun. I miss the Holy Pandas, and the other switches like those. That feeling of just hammering away, and not necessarily bottoming out because of the long stem, but just because it was the tactile snap that you could feel as you were typing. I miss that.
Totally such a point of privilege.
Also I think I’ve been typing on split keyboards too long. Either that or I sprained my fingers while doing my climbing the other day. Because there’s a certain stretch on the keys that just hurt a little bit. I mean what kind of a life am I living for me to even say that “I’ve been typing on long pole linears for too long, and too much on the splits too”. Like seriously, what have I become?
Probably just another spoiled brat that thinks he knows evEryThINg about keyboards. I might actually know a lot though, but at least I bought keyboards with my own money and not my parents (other than the HHKB Hybrid).
Hopefully I get to desolder my other keyboard and use my Holy Panda switches in the Rama U80-A, because I really like this keyboard and it feels really sick to type on this. I love it.
Does one ever feel too stretched in too many place?
I’m watching through Formula 1 on Netflix, and whenever I watch this series, I always feel as if I’m living the driver’s life metaphorically, or in an another parallel. I feel the pressure of performance, the pressures of watching to get things done well for my own sense of excellence, and the stress from the people around me too. It just really adds up together.
Not to mention the sense of heat that has just poured over us in Singapore. It feels like the F1 suits match exactly the feeling I have whenever I put on pants or clothing, just another hot sweaty mess.
There are lots of things that are demanding my attention, and screaming for me to pay attention to it. But honestly, I’m just a bit too tired to manage all of it at the same time. I literally have to take a day at a time, and then in my little gaps, I slot in things like this blog writing. It helps a bit. In other spaces, I have to just keep pushing and pushing, keeping the pace up, and confirming where I will be slotting the next push ahead and all that.
My jaw tends to be perpetually clenched at certain periods, but thankfully with army out of the way, it’s a little bit more relaxed. There’s no more persistent jaw ache that I felt from the weeks before. Now it’s just the frustration of the next few weeks, and the time leading up to the next slot of leave that I’m hoping to take, and soon after that, it’s the end of my two year contract in my current place of work.
Just a bit more, and it will soon be done.
Not that life after that will be Cloud 9, but at least, hopefully I won’t be able to relate to the stress of a race car driver anymore.
Ah, cool water over sore fingers
Easing strains, swollen and tender.
The result of climbing, stretching, gripping,
An attempt at a sport known as bouldering.
Not that actual boulders are in use
Just in case you might confuse
The scene of humans splayed on a wall
Full of little grips, with colors and all.
I was one human on one of theses walls,
Doing this thing called bouldering
involving a lot of holding and gripping
Mixed in with heavy breathing
As I climbed my way across the hall.
Now I write with pain
from all the finger strain
And even the skin
is feeling thin
As I start to recover
from the climb that I discover
that I am no longer
any younger.
And i cant decide what to end this poem with.
Today was a semi rest day from all the working out I’ve been doing, but I’m trying to pushups more consistently throughout the day.
It was a semi rest day because I didn’t actually do a full work out, but I walked a whole bunch, and all the push ups made me still need to eat quite well. On top of all that, there was this wet heat over Singapore (at least the part of Singapore that I’m at).
Wet heat is really gross. It makes you stay damp all day, but not necessarily sweaty, but just damp. Clammy. The wind blowing is hot as well, so it doesn’t really dry you up, as much as it just moves more moisture to your skin.
I end up being very wet all day long. An everlasting layer of sweat just coated on me, making me very shiny and very sticky. The worst part is that I start to sweat because of the heat, and that just adds to the stickiness.
So I walked around today, as a sticky brown man, sweating, dripping sweat wherever I go, and just being really grumpy in between aircon spots.
The IPPT: The Individual Physical Proficiency Test.
Every army around the world has their different testing systems. The Singapore Armed Forces has had the IPPT for a very long time, and the testing criteria have changed over the years.
When I was first enlisted, as part of my National Service in the conscripted army of Singapore, the IPPT was a 5 station test that you needed to pass. The entry for this, was the NAPFA Test: The National Physical Fitness Award.
The stations of testing for the NAPFA Test:
Every station has a max of 5 points per station, and the top award given being Gold. A Gold score needs a minimum of 21 points, meaning you could afford to max out only one or two stations, but your lowest station needs to be at least a 3 point. (This is critical in planning because it comes back later for the IPPT test)
So if a male boy scores a Gold for his NAPFA test (done before enlistment), he can enter army slightly later. The peers that did not get Gold are required to enter army 2 months earlier for physical training.
So the IPPT Test. Every soldier must pass their IPPT, if not they would need to go for extra training, to make up for failing it. Failing to attempt it also results in punishment, occurring during Reservist periods, rather than during their National Service time.
These days, there are some who are physically ineligible to take the test, due to weak joints, or other medical related issues.
However, many, including myself, would push our physical limits to get a Gold scoring for IPPT, as there are monetary incentives for it.
A Gold score during our NS days (2 years or 1 year 10months) would get you a SGD$200 monetary payout. A Silver score is SGD$100, and a pass gets you something else. I honestly can’t remember what it was because I never let myself go that badly.
However, when we have completed our NS training, and are Operationally Ready to be Deployed (ORD personnel), we are give SG$500 for gold, SGD$300 for silver, and SGD$200 for a pass with incentive. We can only take the test once a year, but we can keep retaking it until we get the highest score. The year period to take it starts and ends on our birth date. If a silver was scored first, and then a gold after that, the money incentive would only add on another $200, instead of another full $500.
The IPPT Test stations are:
During my service time, the stations were:
As you can tell, the older stations for the IPPT matched the NAPFA Test almost identically. The scoring would be the same both ways, meaning we would still get the same monetary incentives. The modern IPPT is really aimed to give us a great and easy way of getting Gold.
The point system works this way: 50 points come from the 2.4km Run, 25 points come from Push ups and 25 points come from Sit ups. As long as you hit 85 points, you get Gold. Based on your age, the quantity of sit ups or push ups changes to get within the range of 20-25 points, and then your run timing would be adjusted based on that as well.
For example, I would usually try to get about 41-45 sit ups within a minute, and 41-45 push ups within a minute as well. This would get me about 20-21 points per segment. Meaning that I would have a total of about 42 (optimistically). My run timing would just need to hit about 43 points for me to get 85 points, and securing my gold. The run timing would need to be about 10mins 30secs for that 43 points, for my age group.
This very long and detailed explanation is necessary because at this current point, I am training for my last IPPT that I will ever take as a National Serviceman, and I desperately want to get my last Gold ever. It comes as a point of pride, and also for the monetary rewards as well.
I am stressing out about it a bit, but man. I really need to get this Gold. Wish me luck.
Usually most people would complain about Mondays in some way, but being away for the past three weeks, it was a real challenge to even just stay awake at some parts. My calendar dates were changed and there were things that I really had to tweak last minute to fit into time properly.
I think that’s one part of my current job that I don’t enjoy: the high flux of events and dates. Everyone claims to have had settled dates early, but most of the time the adjustments really come in last minute and I just have to make do and change things. It spoils many things, or a lot of things are left hanging and I just wish that there were better ways to make sense of the things that I have to do. Or a better scheduling system. Or just to not have that many things to do as well.
That’s definitely been a huge reason why I haven’t been able to do many keyboard things, or draw, or just have time out. It really sucks, because I keep feeling really bogged down by all the things to do, and I just have to keep doing them. I don’t want to try and stop it, but I know that the System would keep it going. It comes at the cost of the rest of the team picking up slack, and I don’t like to be the reason for things not to be done. That part really gets to me too.
Sadly, I can’t wait to get out of my current job, and to just meet friends that I just haven’t been able to for some time. I really don’t like the standby mode that I’ve been on for way too long.
Today was a fun day out, Clarice went for spin and I went to do my daily readings in the morning. I’m on a 9 month long bible reading course, that I’m leading in my church. It’s pretty fun, it’s my fifth time doing it, and I do enjoy reading through it.
When we got back, I went through a bunch of my army things, and it was really running through memory lane. There were a lot of things that I had kept in my army notebooks that I had forgotten. I had even written down podcast ideas from way back when just to get things going at that time. Great reminder for me to start chopping up the current recordings that Clarice and I have done.
Anyway, we spent the day watching a really old episode of Infinity Challenge, where GD, Taeyang, IU, Zion T, Hyukoh were all in on the same episode. I really loved that season, because it was really fun to listen to all the new bands, and to hear their songs. I really enjoyed it then, and I really liked it again today rewatching it with Clarice.
It’s nice when we make new memories together. It’s a fun process of remaking new things. We did this for Harry Potter too, and I watched through all of it with Clarice over a period of a few weeks. I guess I should definitely cover the books some time soon too.
Nice simple day, and a lot of fun.
In the past few years, I think one of the key things that really marked my time here was my time in the army, as I lived here. It’s a very accessible location, and I think it really was quite nice moving to and fro, from this place. My army gear was always in an accessible spot, and it seemed easier to wash my army stuff, maybe because the whole house is mine (and clarice’s), and everything would just be hanging all over the place.
I do miss the ease of travel, from home to camp. Like it takes me 15 minutes to get from here to Clementi Camp. In Singapore, the travel usually ranges from about half an hour to an hour to most places. Traveling within 15 minutes is usually time taken from our apartment houses to the train stations. I am counting my travel time to camp by a car drive, and the travel time towards stations in the time it takes on a bus.
In any case, the convenience of this place is definitely something I will miss, along with my army fatigues hanging out in different parts of the home.
We had another nice night out today, walking from Great World City back home. Great World City is a mall in Singapore, that used to be really popular years ago. It still caters to a lot of people who stay near the city shopping districts, but it’s not one of the super big malls with everything inside.
The walk home from Great World is usually along the riverside, and its full of exercise enthusiasts, or weekend bicycling warriors. As we’re walking, we’re assailed by cyclists who have gotten lost along the way, or families with kids that run as their eyes please, and sometimes the sweaty runners, who were hoping for a change of scenery. Then there’s Clarice and me, and other people, full from their dinners or meals and walking to their homes, or along the river. Full of food, we walk along the river, enjoying the breeze and the lights. And after about 10 minutes, it gets old, and I want to go home.
I don’t think I’ll ever get a chance to live this way again in Singapore. Its something I definitely treasure, and something that I really have enjoyed. Maybe in the years to come, the stories to tell would be of the other parts of Singapore life. But right now, it’s this snazzy one, along a river, with a lot of bright lights, night life, and food.
There’s a time when some things will come to an end, and today, one of those things is my time in army. It is finally done.
There is no more annual call ups to turn up for reservist; no more IPPT (physical fitness tests); no more staying in camp and being limited with what can and can’t be done. I’m free to do as I please in some sense.
It feels weird, like when you finish a school year. You’re happy that you never have to study again (or for a time) and yet, you miss some of the memories.
But most of the time, the bad times outweigh the good memories, and that’s definitely what I feel. I don’t want to go through any more National Service moments, because it’s just too much to keep going through, and I’m really tired with all of it. It’s just too much nonsense to keep dealing with.
And this is the last time I’ll ever do it, and I think I did it as well as I could. I’m happy that it’s done, and I’ll miss some parts of how I could come to the rescue of many people, but other than that, I don’t miss the actual work of it at all.
I am happy to defend my country, and happy to be part of this whole army, but I’m not happy that a lot of it feels like it weighs solely on my shoulders. I’m glad that I have to let go now, and others have to pick up my pieces that I’ve tried my best to let go of nicely.
I’m glad it’s the last time. Thanks for the memories.
It’s the last night that I’m staying in this camp for. Currently all my things are mostly packed, and it feels like the last night at an AirBnB. Everything’s mostly ready to go, just one more night of making sure the things are in place, and then getting ready to go. A lot of adrenaline, a lot of tapping of feet and waiting.
I think it happens everywhere, whenever I’m prepping for things. Then I have this whole bulk of time that I’m super free for. A lot of extra waiting time at the end, but I prefer that, than the stress that I don’t have everything ready for myself.
I think this also links to how I keep buying keyboards as soon as I can. A lot of group buys come out and I purchase the things As Soon As the site goes live. That edge of anticipation.
The feeling also comes from being really afraid of the things that I’ll be stepping back into in work. I’ve already gotten enough texts and updates, and I’ll have to spend a day or two to sit there and look through all the meeting minutes, and all the planning that is supposed to be cleared.
That’s not something I’m looking forward to at all. But all the same, nervous for it. And the week will continue to build up until the events are over one by one.
Like going to school for the first day of the year.
Just really not sure of what to expect, and just hoping that nothing goes wrong. It won’t really I guess, but the fear still exists.
I really just can’t wait to get home.
I have this idea that we will always meet the people that we enjoy meeting. Not because we’re actively looking out for them, but our lifestyles will make the world spin in a similar direction. The paths would cross, and we would find ourselves filtered through the different times and places. It would be a time where friendships are grown because of how similar the thoughts have been.
There’s books like CS Lewis’ 4 loves, where he goes through a deep dive on what love means, and therefore what friendships are. I think it’s beyond just friendships.
I think that if you were inclined to coffee on an individual level, you would naturally meet other coffee lovers. After that, when you speak about coffee and hear other people speak about coffee, the communication levels are what matter. How does this person speak about the same topic? Is it what I also agree and think with, and does this person agree and think the same things too?
Later when it comes to forming thoughts, we think again: Do I like the person I’m forming thoughts with? At that point is where most friendships are formalized.
This is beyond the norming storming forming that most other group management programs talk about. I’m thinking about it when there’s no main aim, and there are only interests around. In a time where there is no work to do, and what we end up with is only what we like or our preferences.
I feel that there is a time coming soon where this social currency will count a lot. It will be the main way that we assess the world around us. Not social media, but the actual physical social interactions. And the person with the high quantity of deep quality social relationships will be the one on top.
That’s just my thoughts on life and friendships today.
Sunshine is really hot. Rainbows come after some seriously heavy or constant rain, and then the sun shines after that, then you get rainbows and tonnes of humidity in the air.
Today is one of those days when everything is just so darn heavy, and just beats consistently on you. Like a rattly spacebar on an office keyboard that you can’t run away from. It just keeps rattling, and you sit there wondering why you didn’t just bring one of your many keyboards to said office. (obscure reference to my life/youtube channel) (like comment subscribe)
It’s days like these that really make me think of other things to do in life. Where I run and hide to be distracted by something else but I honestly can’t because there’s too many things on my mind in the first place. And it goes on for quite a while, until I settle the things that I have to do.
It’s not an adulting thing, it’s just a life thing. Or a personality and perspective thing. I can’t move out of it, and I’m just stuck in between. I have to do the things that I have to do. Perhaps this is the same obsessive behavior that drove me to get deep into keyboards.
Perhaps you have a similar drive for something. Imagine that in every part of your life. That’s my brain. I have to do what I do well, and I am horrible at dealing with failure. I have to make sure I know what I’m doing and I want to do it as well as I can.
But then again, I have some hobbies that I don’t have the time to commit to overall. That’s tough too, because I see that as my own failure to live up to my hobby. Like drawing and painting and stuff.
I just have 3 more days to get through, and I’ll be done with this army thing. Can’t wait to be done, but then again, I’m not super looking forward to dealing with the backlog of 3 weeks of work too.
Sunshine, and Rainbows. Nothing to look forward to in life.
Today I’m standing by on a number of things, waiting for people to appear, and waiting for things to be settled. It’s waiting, and uncertainty. But it’s okay, I mean I try to still get some things done.
One of the first notifications I got was from a Subscriber on YouTube. It’s my first fan art appreciations for my keyboard work so far. It’s a really heart felt drawing of a keyboard I really wish I had (the Alix40, sold out in minutes), and honestly I’ve never felt so honored in my life. It’s not the Mona Lisa, but man, I am really grateful. I can’t imagine what I did to deserve this, but I’ll share this here because I’m really really moved by this. It makes me feel like I should reach out to the creators that I follow and pass this forward too.
I’m waiting for a number of other things to finish up today. There’s some people coming to visit the place that I’m at. I’ve actually just finished reading one of the books that I had brought along this time in the army. I still have some books to finish, and some papers that I had hoped to write during this time. At least I’m getting work done still, and hopefully I don’t have too many interruptions today.
I wonder if it’s possible for me to start waking up early again, and start my morning posts all over again. They were fun, but I just felt so tired from having all my night meetings. Now that I’m not at work, I don’t have night meetings, but when I get back, maybe that’s something I need to be careful about.
Hopefully. I’ll be out on Friday, so it’s about 4-5 more days to go…
I really tend to over prepare on too many things. I’ve usually thought through what I want to do, and presupposed that the amount of time I have. This has led to me first owning too many things, and secondly, I usually am overladen.
This happens even in video games. I play the classic Diablo 3 every now and then, and when I do, my character is carrying a whole lot of low level loot that I couldn’t make sense to discard. “I could use this for another character build” “Maybe I could sell it at the next market” “Perhaps I should put gems into it and it could sell for even more”. The possibilities are endless but my inventory is not.
Clarice, on the other hand, barely picks things up unnecessarily. The way she plays This War of Mine is so intentional on surviving, and now she’s playing to try earn and gain more things. Maybe if she plays Diablo, her character probably wouldn’t even store an inventory of things. In real life, she packs really light, but I’m the one with 2 weeks of clothing for a one week trip.
Currently, in camp, I’m looking at all the food I brought in, with the thought that I would be able to eat it. I’m looking at the drawing tools I have, and how I thought I would be able to draw something more often. It’s just not very sane, how I approached these things. The possibilities were limited, but at the same time, my daily schedule proved to squeeze over what I was able to do in the first place.
I’ve gotten time in to read, or to watch a show or two, or to just relax and catch up on sleep. But otherwise, I’m falling far from what I had expected to be able to do during this week. I mean okay, I still have another 5 more days, but I am expecting a bit more to do during that time.
Hopefully I’ll be able to get some good shows under my belt. I actually finally watched The Joker, and man, it’s a really good show. I can now watch The Batman with some high hopes. I’ve prepared to finish watching at least 2 K-Dramas, but I’m barely past the second episode of the first one. A bit ashamed that I couldn’t finish it, but I’ll do my part right now and head back on to the show.
you might end up buying the wrong things.
I caught myself trying to purchase something that I really didn’t need yesterday. I was loading up a whole bunch of things into cart on one of the keyboard websites, and just as I was checking out, the delivery prices popped up and I looked at the phone stunned at what I was doing.
I didn’t even need those things: 70 Gateron Mochi Switches, and 50 Kailh Black Switches. There was no need, there was just a mindless scrolling on my phone of the things that were all around.
It was kinda nuts, having those moments. You really pause and think about yourself and sorta slap yourself silly. Wake up! Why are you doing these things?!
And I snapped out of it, and decided to finish up my next few YouTube videos, so there’s a bunch of clips coming out in the next few days. Honestly, I can’t wait for my future apartment. It’ll probably be due later this year, but man, I really want a space to just create more efficiently. It’s not easy right now, actually downright uncomfortable. Can’t wait for that time to come, and for that freedom that I’m looking forward to.
Anyway, if there’s anything I’ve got to do, it’s to pay for the things that I’ve already gotten this month. Hopefully my pay day comes soon and I can sort that part out. It’s nice to have no more debt to pay – as what my wife would say 🙂
I think there are a many good days when the world can benefit from a good book, or something stimulating to read. I don’t think my blog is one of them, but I know my wife enjoys to read my posts.
It’s a mix of emotions. Reading takes concentration, and sometimes that concentration isn’t something that you want to give. But you plough through it, and try to make the best of the situation. It’s tiring some days, like today for me. I really want to finish the book that I have on hand “Something Nasty in the Woodshed”. It sounds like a ridiculous title, but that’s the very reason why I want to read it in the first place. I want to give my focus and concentration to read it, but I don’t think I’m getting that strength out of myself.
There’s the feeling of wanting to know the story, and wanting to come to the end of it. But when you do, sometimes it’s not a nice ending. Sometimes the ending just makes you wish that there was something else to it. One of the feelings is that of an incomplete ending, where there are questions unanswered. The other lacking feeling is one where the story ends, but there’s more to the story that should continue on. Two different emotions to that same end of a read.
Maybe later I might get a bit more mental strength to plough through and read the rest of the book. I’ve got about another 30-40 pages to go through, which I would normally be able to fly through quickly. But I’m really having quite a bit of fun reading through the details of the book, catching specific nitty gritty bits that are descriptive and really enjoyable.
Or I might just take a nap and read tomorrow instead.
In the midst of the current posts about memories, and some of the thoughts I have, I thought to share about some of the fears I carry with me daily. They’re the everyday anxiety type of fears, but some of them stem into the way that I live my life. Maybe this makes sense for you, but just thought to share them.
For my friends that know me, they would think that I don’t have this fear at all. I seem often quite independent, and maybe even aloof at times. But I personally developed this facade after feeling left out too many times. I don’t think I was ever intentionally left out of things, or maybe I was. But most of the time, I do think that I might be left out of group gatherings, or I would just not be well accepted by people who don’t know me.
I try to evade this fear by either being very outspoken, so if someone wants to talk with me, they know from the start the type of person that I am. I have also tried to ensure that I have more than enough groups of friends that I would never be left alone. This however led to me being very tired, and never having a real deep group of friends that I grow with. I’ve since stopped doing that, but instead, intentionally made effort to relate better to people.
I am now learning to be more secure of myself, and to also be more secure of the friendships that I have. My wedding was one of these occasions, where I needed to rely on my friends to be there for me, to help me run the show. And they really did show up in the biggest ways possible. I really treasured my friendships.
Also I learnt that because of that constant busyness with other friends, it appeared to everyone that I was too busy for them. But sadly, its just the other way around. I was afraid that people don’t want me in their lives.
It’s not a point of poverty (perhaps it is), but I think its more the fear that I would run out of something, and be very inconvenienced by it. It’s quite ridiculous though, in the ways that these things happen. I have backups on backups, I have multiples of the same things, its just in case something happens.
I would suggest that this stems from my dad, who carries a huge bag with him around all day. He’s got a medikit, a whole set of stationery, at least 1 note book and one book, chargers, cables, you name it. And I carry something similar many times. I’ve got a spare t-shirt (cause I sweat a lot), spare pens, two books (in case I finish one while I’m still out), sketchbooks, spare phone, cables.
In my house, I’ve got so many keyboards for one. Another collection is my black t-shirt collection. And then my Denim collection too. As you can tell the word collection informs you that I have more than 10 of these things.
I feel a sense of security with these things around me, and I think there’s a comfort in that. I don’t know exactly why, but I will continue to think about it as the days go on.
I keep thinking something’s gonna collapse on me, and I’ll get squashed. Or that a car might spin out of control and run right into me. Or that a knife would fall and slice my hands clean off. Things like that play in my head all day long.
I would blame this directly at a lot of gore that I had watched growing up. The worst things in the world to introduce your child into, but I don’t think my parents asked me to watch it, as much as I wanted to watch it.
The result is that I have extremely high sensitivity to things around me. I hear a lot, I see a lot, and I preempt as many situations as possible before things happen. This also adds to the things that I have, in case I would need them. I usually can hear when someone’s walking that I’m familiar with, because of their gait. I can see a car moving really quickly, or if someone’s mannerisms seem to come towards me aggressively.
It’s kinda really cool spidey sense, but derived from a really anxious and paranoid mind instead. Of course, I can tell if someone is aware of this, and I would preempt that and try to look as cool as possible, if I can maintain the face.
Anyway I wrote this, because I’ll be heading into camp tomorrow, and I have a fear that I will miss something out. Of course I probably wont, and instead, I’m highly overpacked. In any case, we’ll see, when I update from camp tomorrow.
See ya
One of the deepest memories I’ve formed living in this area is the amount of cats and dogs that have been coming to my house. We’ve gotten visited by at least 3-4 cats, and one consistent dog (my neighbour’s). I really enjoyed it, and I think it makes me think a lot about taking care of the animals around me, the environment around me. Literally, because they will jump into all the things that I have.
This is a usual constant scene in our place. The dog that’s closer to me is the one that usually runs over, or opens my gate on her own. She’ll run around, trying to figure out where we are and get her belly rubs, or head pets. After about 5 minutes of this, we’ll walk her back to my neighbour’s and say bye.
This little cat was the one that really broke my heart. I saw it stuck on the ledge, and I was wondering why it was there. I spent the morning trying to call out to it, and trying to get it to come into my house, but it didn’t want to.
Clarice had to get out on the ledge to carry it back home. And it stayed with us for the whole day. But it was at night that we found out that Clarice really could not handle a cat in the room. She had such a bad allergy and we had to put the cat to sleep outside our house. The trouble was that the dog next door would bark at it, and it kept getting scared and jumping back out onto the ledge again.
It stayed with us for all of another day. I’m allergic to dogs, so I’ve never had another animal nuzzle me because of that fear, but the cat nuzzled me and demanded to sleep in my arms. I had no allergies, so it was totally fine for me.
But man, letting the cat go at night, I cried so much. I really felt so bad for letting it just go out into the night, and I couldn’t take care of it.
Right now, we think that the cat was picked up by the neighbors on the first floor. And good for them, because at least they could take care of it without any worries.
We also learnt how to welcome cats into our house, and bring them down to feed them, so that they don’t come back just for food and get in trouble with the dog next door. It’s tough, really tough, but we’re hoping to own our own pets when we move into our new apartment. That’s due to be ready mid year, and we just hope to get a place this year anyway.
When Instagram was first starting out, everyone was trying their best to get these really cool artistic photos. It was all these really high saturation, high contrast, tonnes of grain type of photos. Then the whole tilt shift lens thing came in and everyone wanted their places to look mini and small.
It was at that time, that I decided I would attempt to overthrow the photography overlords, and post a bunch of night scenes. The only thing is, no one can see what on earth is going on in a night scene. It just looks dark and some spots of light just shining out. What does that even mean for someone looking?
In any case, here’s a recent night scene that I’ve been enjoying, as part of my memories of living here.
It’s been a good three years since moving into this neighbourhood. We used to walk back from Outram park station, thinking to ourselves that we would be moving away from the area by the time the North East Line comes up. Eventually, COVID hit, and we realised that maybe we would be here longer than we expected. Then another year passed, and we’re still in the middle of it. And now, the North East Line is opening up soon, and we’re still here.
The building in construction isn’t part of the Outram Park station at all. It’s actually a condominium that’s being built slowly, and has been around since. It’s just fun to have this picture on, as one of the things that we would always walk by when we’re on our way back home from the MRT station.
One of the key things I need to highlight for the sake of the international audience that might be watching/reading this post after watching my YouTube Videos:
All these are fun things to know, if you’re a fellow keyboard enthusiast, and interested to find out more things about other keyboard people around the world. There’s quite a few of us in Singapore, and it’s better that you know now that we’re not a part of China at all. Hopefully this helps to educate, and shed light into learning some new things.
If you’re a personal friend of mine and reading this, please bear with me. It says on my stats that a lot of people who visit my site aren’t from Singapore, so this is just to help them understand our Sunny Singapore better.
Today seemed to progress about just nice. I was all ready to give another memory of this place, with the rain and all that.
But lo and behold, the day has a bump of excitement, with a rush of sudden things to think through. I would say, the scene that I’m currently working from has seen many of these sudden changes, and decision making on last minute reactionary measures.
In any case, my place in this room, in this house, has changed multiple times. I’ve had a work space in my bedroom, in another corner of the study, and finally, after three years, I’ve gotten myself where the picture above shows.
It’s a set up with two computers running actually. The other screen links to my really old MacBook Pro, that’s standing behind my iMac. It’s got a Realforce fullsized attached to it, and it’s happy, because there’s also a mouse, and other needed things stuck to it. I really wanted to have a text only computer running separately to write story ideas down immediately. However, that plan has not been working well. Mostly because there’s too many things on my desk and pulling out another keyboard just to type requires some movements, some shifting around.
Anyway, this workspace, as with any workspace, has the memories of the times attached to it. If there’s one key memory of this place, is me yelling at my screen, which faces the window outside. Yelling because I talk Really Loudly when I’m on zoom, or when I did my Twitch Streams. I get enthusiastic, and I can’t hear myself very well. The whole COVID work period was formed with myself in this one corner.
It’s a nice memory, no history attached to it, but just me and my COVID Work From Home situations.
Back to solving the problem on hand now… See ya.
Around the place I live, there are a ton of historical locations. There are places of Chinese heritage, tourist attractions, colonial monuments, everything of that sort.
The thing is that now, many of my own memories of the locations are tied together with the stories that they hold. Nearby, down the street where I live, where the road meets the river, that’s where the Chinese coolies used to live, and that’s where they had many opium houses of old. Now, its full of pubs, and where people go to rest after a hard day’s work. My memory with it is linked as my running route, and I just remember the tired people trying to look happy, sitting next to historical buildings where The Man used to tell them how to live.
This area is also known as Boat Quay. I do intend to write a bit more about this but here’s just a sample picture for an idea.
All these things are really scenic, really nice to look at, and to live near. It’s just really sad when you think about the hamster wheel life that they live, to quote Emma Chamberlain’s recent rant on what YouTube life was for her. The people move in, and try to work hard for what they think life should be, and they spend day and night trying to make it happen. It’s not fun, they lose their lives, and they just end up unhappy, and alone.
But maybe some do make it, and that gives the rest hope. Maybe that’s what’s the glimmer is for many who do strive for that 1% of Singapore’s top bracket. But it’s expensive to live as the 1% in the World’s Most Expensive country. It also makes sense that we’re not the happiest people in the world. Clear proof that money doesn’t make you happy. I wish there were better statistical correlations that people could objectively look at to see this, but I guess many won’t even think too hard about what that would mean for them. That’s really the sad bit of it too.
Anyway, my memories of my current carefree life, lived next to these modern day coolies are now intertwined. I hope one day someone bans the modern day opium of self made success.
Today is blistering hot. There are no words for it. At the start of the day, I thought it would be a good day to have a bath, but I’m really double think if I would want to do that later today.
If I were in army again, and it were this hot, there would be a different range of things to be thinking about. First, they would keep you under the shade and have a ton of water going through you. They would make you drink water bottle after bottle after bottle, in the name of hydration. It works, just that it feels mighty uncomfortable to be hot, and swollen with water.
The next thing that would happen is constant breaks. They would keep making you take a break. There’s literal timings that they are forced to follow, and then you’ll just be moving from place to place in the heat, with all your gear on. It sucks.
Then after all that’s done, you sit in your sweaty fatigues, and just wait for the time to shower. I hate that part the most. I literally would just sit in the middle of my bunk in my underwear, waiting for the time to go. I’m hot, sticky, and so uncomfortable. I hate that feeling.
Anyway, today’s heat definitely reminds me of that, and I’m not looking forward to doing that any time soon next week. There are days when I get such bad headaches from the heat, and all those things really just pile up one on top of another.
So glad that I’m in my room, in the shade, with the fan pointing at me. It would be nice to have air-conditioning on, but this will do for now.
Early mornings, when the sun isn’t up yet. There’s the scuffle of people moving around, getting out of bed, alarms going off in different series of rings. It’s the day of the mission, and everyone’s tense on their things that they have to do, before we start our attack. I’m usually sensitive to sound when I know I have an important time to meet, so I pick myself out quickly and stretch a bit. I sleep in my underwear, so I put on my green pixelated army pants. They’re really loose for some reason, or a really straight cut, which make them super wide. Under these gatherings of cloth, my feet find their way through and I capture them with my socks. Then come the boots.
My boots sit below my bed, or at the corner of the right side, if my bed mattress is on the floor. I prefer the right to the left. I slip my feet into them, and wiggle them in. Then in one straight pull upwards, the shoelaces tighten through the loops. I pull the lace clip towards the opening of the laces, and braid the end of the laces into a little chain.
I grab a pair of green gutters, and gather my loose pants into a neat tuck. I sneak the braid of laces into the tuck, and hope that it stays there as I run around for the rest of the day.
Then I put on a shirt and go brush my teeth.
The feeling of this whole process always makes me feel as if the day is starting. It makes me feel right, or prepared. There’s no good or bad feeling to it, but it feels ready. The feeling you get when the green walking light starts flashing on the road. The feeling of finishing a cup of water because you are thirsty. It’s not a good or bad feeling, its just there.
I really think because my time in the army is ending, that I keep capturing these snapshots of my time so far, and what I really think about them. I should draw this somehow I guess. or I’ll just write about it and maybe one day I’ll do something.
Today feels like a day from the past. Still another day in the army, but it feels like the days from long ago. A decade even, and it feels like humans are still the same. Everyone does things in the same way and behaves the same. Little actions that get you annoyed, or small inconveniences that you wished could be done better. But it’s 10 years on, some people changed, but it still feels horrible. It still feels as if the world had never understood what was going on, and we still live in a bubble of what we think works, but doesn’t really.
I don’t even make sense I think, at this point. It feels like the tiredness of being on duty has made me a person that I didn’t enjoy being. I still don’t enjoy being that person. I’m glad that soon after this, I don’t have to make this choice anymore because I’ll be past it. It’ll be a memory of long ago.
Maybe one day I might miss this, the person who I have to relive as today. But currently, in this moment, I don’t think I am happy.
Today comes as a huge mixed bag of emotions. There are some parts today that I’m really annoyed with. There are also some parts that I wish I could have more of.
I’m on my Reservist at this time. That’s where all the Singaporean males are called back to the National Service, our Army. We serve as soldiers, and do everything as one would normally do in the army. It’ll usually take a period of a week or two, and we would not be able to do our normal work. We wouldn’t be on leave, but we would be paid our regular salaries by the Army instead, for that period of time.
The frustrations usually come from a range of things. One of the key frustrations is how seldom we get to work together, and just during this time for a week or two, we have to jump in and make everything work like clockwork. It would work if everyone knew exactly what they need to do, but most of the time, we take a day or two to figure it out, another day or two to actually do something that we think would work, and by the time we’ve kinda gotten it down, it’s the end of our time together, and we see each other again the next year, only to go through the same cycle over and over again.
But at the same time, some of the joys is having go through hardship together, because of situations that we go through. Sometimes it’s because of the experiences that we have, and we can be a part of the team. We get to meet people, and have an interesting time living life together in that few weeks.
The mixed feelings is because I’ll be on my way out of this time of service soon. It’s not easy to leave because I’ll need to say bye, or more specifically I won’t have that time together with everyone else to say bye to them. I’ll be able to see them during their parades, but otherwise, it’ll be difficult. I’m not unhappy about it, it’s just hard to have a cycle of things come to an end. It also means that I don’t have to do the work that I’ve become used to doing. Some of my identity has formed over this time period, doing this every year. It’s a lot of work that I had put in during these times, and it’s a lot of my identity as I grew up through the years. It feels weird that something I don’t look forward to every year is taken away, because now I have nothing that I don’t look forward to.
I think I’ll work out more of my feelings on this in the weeks to come, but right now, I’m just dealing with my sadness of departure. I’ll work out how to let go over time.
Sometimes, it’s very peaceful to come back at night, and sit in my room, typing, as I listen to the sound of the crickets at night. When I was younger, it was annoying. But now, after the multitude of Japanese drama, and slice-of-life anime, I appreciate these sounds of crickets or cicadas chirping away at night. The warm light, orange glows, and the dark navy night. Spots of white lamp posts splattered in the background.
It’s nice especially when the night before, everything was frantic, when it wasn’t fun. It’s nice to appreciate a good day, when you’ve had a bad day before. I’m enjoying the cool breeze of tonight, and the buzz of a nice warm tea. I’m appreciating my crazy looking keycaps from the other day, and my watch that was just revived on Sunday.
And now, I can take a pause from all that rush from the past few days. Maybe I’ll even sleep well tonight, if everything really does go as planned. Maybe even that.
There are days like today, where my mind is just really pulled. It’s days like this when I question if I was a good explainer, a good communicator of any sort. If communication’s basis is how well people understand what you’re saying, I feel like I failed today in some big ways.
It felt like no one really understood what I was saying. More than that, it felt like I was really forced to tell everyone everything, because as much as I wasn’t communicating very well, neither was any one else. The entire experience today was really frustrating, and I think that really added to a lot of stress that I was having to deal with.
It’s been some time that my mind has had to stretch this way, and man it really stretched. Now, after all the day has ended, I feel like I’m collapsing into a pile of yellow cheese goo. Thankfully, I’ve done most of the work I could do, so I can afford to collect my yellow goo brain together. And then hopefully tomorrow manages itself a little bit better, and I’ll try my best to survive it the best way I can.
There are days like today, where I felt there was So Much double work done. I needed to plan some deliverables a few months back, but because of the COVID scenarios, I’ve had to replan them on Friday, and then again today.
I hate having to do work twice. Meaning that if I had known the urgency was more towards this immediate time, I would have just done it closer to this day.
But at the same time, I don’t know if I have the mental strength to hold back, and to wait. I think my own sense of anxiety would take over. It feels weird, and uneasy, for me to do something like that.
In any case, the work is done.
I was thinking about something to share, a bit more creative, a bit more on the fringe, and this is what I thought to share:
This song was a deeply haunting song from my teens, really enjoyed it for that darkness to the song. I really enjoyed The Knife as a whole.
I should do a zine for some of their songs, some time soon.
My pay came in today, along with my keycaps that I had ordered from last July.
And I just recalled the process I had to take in order to plan the purchase for these keycaps. It didn’t take too long, it was a process of thinking “hey these keycaps are kinda cute” and “hey it ships kinda quick!”
Quick shipping in keyboard terms usually means within 6 months, and these were supposed to be shipped last year end, but they only just arrived. In keyboard terms, this is also not too late, considering that it was within half a year. Usually keycaps take about 2-3 years to ship, and that’s those that are on time.
In any case, the story is about the relationship with money that I have. I don’t usually consider saving, but the resources I have at hand to use. Sometimes these resources are also into resources that I receive on credit. I know that’s not a good idea, but sometimes I dig into it anyway.
This way of thinking, and having this relationship with money usually lead a lot of people to question my judgment. But I reassure everyone constantly, it’s just that I really don’t see the point of having too much money in my hands that I will die not having used.
I realised over time as well, the privileged life I have lived to be able to say that, and that’s why I do want to talk about how I think about it.
Too often I’ve heard to flip side of the story, especially in Asian cultures, where we save money, or buy money based things, like insurances, stocks, lottery. In Singaporean Chinese culture specifically, it feels as if it’s the best if we spent the least amount of money for the most quantity of things. This results in huge orders of unnecessary things from Shopee, or an extremely large savings account with only one or two names for the dependents of that account.
I see the point of it as storing the wealth for the next generations, but I also see a lot of hurt and brokenness. I see families broken apart because they feel that the money should be theirs. Or worst still, when they are told specifically that the money is not theirs.
Theres money, but there are no humans left, the relationships are all broken.
Both approaches are bad, because there could be better relationships to draw with money. And in the long run of it, I think this is something many people and cultures need to approach. Why do we work, and why do we want to draw a salary. Why do we think savings are better than spending. Why and what drives us for many of these things.
I don’t want to make a positive judgment statement for either approaches, but I can tell you that right now, tonight, I am happy because I have my keycaps, and because my wife is also happy for me to receive these keycaps. Sure money spent helped me get these, but money saved wouldn’t have, that’s for sure.
I’ll probably think different about this some time soon, so don’t worry. I’ll be alright one day. And maybe I’ll think different about that another time after that.
There are definitely times when the smell of human urination just hits your nose. It’s this horrible scent of metallic substances, just really sour, and pungent. It hits your nose when you approach a toilet that hasn’t been cleaned for very long, or sometimes when you walk past an exhaust fan outside a toilet. Other times, a weird neighbour might have let himself or herself go in the lift, or at a staircase, and you walk past it, smelling last night’s liquid going straight into your nostrils.
My bunk in my reservist camp is next to the toilet, and it smells like piss.
Maybe the smell of piss wouldn’t have been that offensive to me, but it seems to pile on my feelings of the Reservist portion. It’s something that comes naturally time to time, this feeling of dread having to go through a refresher for conscription. But at the same time, it’s absolutely necessary.
If I banned everyone from taking a piss at that toilet, it would inconvenience everyone. If I closed all the windows, it’ll be the room incredibly hot, and we would be stuck with the smell of each other instead. It’s just not a very pleasant set of experiences.
Likewise, the conscription sucks in a big way. Having to come back yearly to do it sucks even more. But if it’s not done, then a lot of other shit would happen instead. The prevailing lack of nationalism might decline, although possibly not as well. The general fitness of a Singaporean male might also drop dramatically. There are a lot of other shitty things that would happen.
So I’m just trying to survive. I’ll figure out a way next week to deal with this smell of piss and shit. Like every year, just figure out a way to survive this annual visit of conscription, of national service.
Today was a pretty good day. It was nice and rainy, Clarice and I went for a nice lunch and then a nice dinner. We even got to take a nice nap in the afternoon and we chilled out watching Filthy Frank and Joji evolutions heh.
But somewhat suddenly, I saw a picture of someone who looked like an uncle I had, that passed away suddenly last year. I saw the picture and I was thinking through when the next time I might see him. And then I remembered that he passed.
He was a nice guy, very smiley around me. Whenever we had caught up at the different family reunions, he would say hi. He was roundish, not slim, and had a certain look in his eye. It felt like he always was thinking about something, but would always offer you the time if you said hi.
I didn’t have too much time with him, but it was sad to think that I won’t be able to catch up with him ever again. Or at least not in this lifetime.
That sadness really hit, like accidentally poking my finger with a staple sticking out of a stack of paper. My heart felt that prick, and it hurt for that bit, to remember the loss.
It didn’t spoil the day in any way. But it just hurt a little. That prick of sadness.
Take care Uncle Kevin. I hope you’re having a chill time with God.
We went out for a nice coffee at Glyph coffee today. It was worth the hype. The service was great as well. (Glyph is a trendy coffee place in Singapore)
Before that, we had lunch at Han’s, and I had the Beef Superburger with Egg. (It’s basically just a burger from a Hainanese eatery in Singapore).
After lunch, we ran around for errands, and then I had to go for a meeting after that.
Then we went for dinner, and we had some Indian food, at a random Indian restaurant around Little India (A localised area in Singapore where there are a lot of Indian people have their culture at)
Today basically felt like a day with Clarice, where we existed as Singaporeans living through different cultures, and different demographics.
That’s sometimes a large part of being Singaporean, and we have such easy access to so much of the world at our doorsteps. I am thankful for this today, and I hope if you’re reading this and not from Singapore, this would be a good reason for you to come and visit, if its possible.
There were way too many good memes for today’s 22 Feb 22, so I will leave that for everyone to dissect in their own time. But today I did a lot of Filthy Frank catch up, that I never knew I would like this much. It’s the Jackass of the YouTube era, and just the wilder, more unconventional, and definitely extremely rude versions of many of the pranks of old.
At the same time, it’s really interesting to see how much Joji changed over the year. I mean, it’s honestly something that I think I would love to approach as a person, or something that maybe I hope I could look back on one day in gladness. Right now, I’m still waiting for myself to get started on many of these things, and I just want to write for the time being.
Maybe in a short while I’ll really get something going, and get a good showcase of something going on. Maybe one day soon.
There are some days when the distractions are wild, and they exist all over the place, but these are mostly the days when the distractions are internal. But there are definitely days where the distractions are external, and today has been one of those days.
The daytime was full of people playing games downstairs, screaming and playing loud music through the day. Right now at night, close to 11PM, there is a family below with kids running around and screaming through the windows. It feels like they have no concept of night, and neither a sense of privacy. But at the same time, the parents are telling the kids to kept quiet and trying to hush them.
So instead of being distracted on writing something, I write about my distraction, to make the best sense of what I am feeling right now.
And with that, my post ends here. Life in the Neighbourhoods.
Or whichever label society decides to place on who I am today.
Today was one of those days that I just didn’t really feel like doing anything. It also led to me not doing much, and yet a little bit more than I thought.
I managed to rearrange some keyboards, and put a couple of videos up on YouTube. I started watching a TV series that I had planned on watching quite awhile back, and it led to me being even more distracted. Space Force started again too, and that added to my TV binge.
On top of binging, I actually ate really poorly today. There were too many things I should have had done, but I just didn’t do very well. It was quite frustrating, because it felt that I didn’t get one task done well properly.
I have socks left in the front area of my house, I have my shoes outside, along with my skateboard, because of some light rain. I have some reading that I intend to do, but I’m stuck here in the middle of another YouTube video, and also writing this post. And on top of all this, I still wanted to actually prepare some other things for the rest of the week, because time is honestly quite tight for the coming week.
Today’s attention span and focus is completely like the weather: highly erratic, and I wish it were better.
Thankfully, the night is ending very cool, and hopefully I will end the night in the same way too.
Super long day; and its still not done yet. But it’s great conversations and life is working out fine.
Gonna watch this video later
I remember I was trying to do weekly updates at one point last year end, but it’s quite a difficult process. Instead, I think I will reflect on a portion of my journey that I decided to cherish as a moment in my head.
There is a short journey I take from my house towards the bus stop. It’s quite a special one, because it involves walking through a series of places that I would not normally approach. It’s a shortcut, but it doesn’t save me a lot of time, thus, it’s a short journey instead.
I take this route only if it hasn’t been raining for at least two days in a row. The route needs me to walk through a field, and rain usually softens the ground. I would end up slipping into the mud, or getting my shoes or my clothes dirty.
I start the route, at the top of the hill, where my house is at. I walk down, past a school on my right. The school has white walls, and the sun usually reflects into my eyes as I walk past. In Singapore, if the days haven’t been raining, it means the days have been scorching hot. So this route is usually a bright route, but not necessarily too hot. In any case, the downhill walk past the school ends at a corner, that turns into a shaded path on the right. Walking left would lead me downhill into another direction, to another bus stop, but that’s not the short journey stop that I’m remembering for us today.
I turn right, going downhill past the fenced corner of the school compound. Tall foliage provides shade from the right, and on my left busy cars drive uphill past me. It always surprises me how slow and yet fast a car goes, as they drive uphill. Some really speed along, and some seem to be putting a lot of effort in, but they’re just huffing and puffing their way up. But I’m walking downhill, and leaves lean over, shading me as I go.
Coming to the end of the shade, therein lies the path. The trees make way to reveal a shallow dirt path in the middle of a field. I glance quickly at the state of the field, to check some tell tale signs of wet dirt, if I should start my steps through it. I decide that it is dry enough, and I start my careful footwork through the shallow path.
It’s a shallow path because the dirt isn’t very exposed, and there is some grass growing over it. Someone had placed some broken up pieces of concrete into the areas were the mud might have been deeper, and it lends for easier walking as well. I step carefully on these pieces of concrete, trusting that the mix of mud caking below would prove a sturdy step. After about ten or twelve steps, the concrete ends, and the dirt path continues in a slight zig, maybe zag, and then it reaches a little cement bridge, wide enough for a car to drive through. On some days, there are cars parked in this field, which is behind a Chinese Temple.
Walking across the bridge, I walk onto a single asphalt road. I cross the small road within six steps, and reach a pavement path. The road actually leads to a small open air car park at the end of it, on the right. It looks like an abandoned carpark, and it actually is. But someone had called the cops on me when I had skate boarded there once, which made me wonder who would call the cops on a carpark in the middle of nowhere.
In any case, I walk onto pavement, and it leads me down a flight of crudely made stairs, that turn left and then right. These stairs are a bright grey concrete, and the height of each stair is unevenly high. Many times, it feels as if a wrong step would scrap my shin, if I were walking up the stairs. The stairs lead to another open air parking lot, and most of the time there is at least one car in this parking lot. That means no skating for sure.
I walk through the parking lot, crossing diagonally. I step around the cars, walking through the parked ones, waving at the moving ones to indicate where I was walking towards (the bus stop). There is no clearly defined exit for the parking area, so I walk through another patch of dirt to exit, and make my way to the bus stop, a few steps away.
It’s a mini adventure, just to get to a bus stop. I’ve never had to take a bus this way before, and I think I would miss the adventure of it when I move out. Perhaps next week I would write about the other bus stop, if I took a left instead. That journey is a lot shorter, but still there’s some good ideas to it too.
Have a good adventure!
I’m in the middle of cleaning up my study table and my study room because firstly, it was in somewhat of a mess. Secondly I was missing a stabilizer that I need for one of my keyboards. It’s frustrating me to no end, and I think I need to buy it. It’s an old type of stabs called costar stabs. The other annoying part was that I had mentally prepped myself that I would finish this keyboard today so it’s just really pissing me off that I didn’t.
So because of that, I decided to take it out on myself and clear up my table top and room. It has led to a pile of things on the floor. Imagery follows:
I have a bunch of stuff to throw, but I actually have a few things I need to salvage from all this. Hardest thing is that I needed to write this post before the day ended.
Side note: fun things that I did today included Worldle — where you find the country mapped out. I also got to hang out with two of my favourite friends that I’ve made in the past three years.
That’s about it for today. Now back to the clean up of the year…
I always wonder how much of my blog here should be keyboard related. Namely because I think that my life is a lot more complex than keyboards. But I do know that most traffic here would be from my keyboard side of things. At the same time, I wonder how much my art and drawing should be mixed into my YouTube, Instagram and all that.
In any case, here’s a general update about keyboard life from me:
1. I have become super lazy about soldering and desoldering things. I really think that I’m just lazy, and its not because I don’t enjoy it. I like the process of troubleshooting, and getting the whole board set up real nice, but it’s just so tiring to keep on changing my switches and all that. Just so lazy. Really happy to keep on typing with my HHKB, or with switches that have lived in boards for months now. Last year at this time, I was changing the switches every single week.
2. I have totally enjoyed my long pole switches, to the point where now I’m not sure how I feel about regular switches at regular length. It’s almost like what’s the point of getting a typing experience that feels like this, if that’s all I have. In any case, I’m just apprehensive about installing them because I don’t know if I would like them anymore.
3. I enjoy using thinner keycaps. Never thought I’d say that. Also because I think I’m very used to the thick keycaps from all the MT3 and SA profiles. So it feels like a thinner keycap is more enjoyable at this point.
4. I’m actually really late on rebuilding a specific board. I received a full sized Filco Majestouch board from a friend, and I honestly want to rebuild it. I have a full set of keycaps that are gonna go really sick with it, and I had gotten some extra switches just so that I will fill the whole set. But man. I really am so lazy and its taking forever to rebuild.
5. I actually feel like I should go on stream again some time soon. This is super long overdue, especially because it’s really been ages since. And I think doing some of these on stream would be a great way to restart my twitch channel, and motivate me for my YouTube as well.
Ok! That’s about all I have for today. Done.
There are many things that happen in the background of my mind. Some of the things I think about in the background are the expectations I have of the people around me. Sometimes its a running awareness of events that are happening around me, and what I need to do to manage them. Sometimes, it’s a song I had a chance to listen to, and I might have been pondering about it through the day.
Other times, in the background, my mind goes to dreamlands. I imagine myself in a cool country, and I imagine that the world I’m currently facing is the facade. Then somewhere in my head, it snaps and I realise that I’m in the middle of sweltering heat, trying to cope with the work that I have to do, and getting bitten by mosquitoes all at the same time.
Background things are never said aloud. But it’s really nice to actually say them aloud sometimes. It makes you hate the present reality a little bit more, and it makes you wake up and realise that you want to fight for something bigger than you.
In planning for the year ahead, I’ve been thinking about the range of things that I want to try for myself. It’s somewhat because I have been comfortable with the things that I’ve been doing.
For example, I feel that my YouTube channel has been somewhat dead, and I’m letting the views stack slowly over time. I used to think harder about what I produced, including making intentional time to stream my keyboard builds and things like that.
Another example of being totally comfortable is just having regular everyday conversations with Clarice, and some times the routines of normal day takes over and we don’t put too much effort into a day.
But today being Valentines, we had thought of treating each other to a nice gift yesterday, and then enjoying a meal together as well. It’s something that we don’t do too often, but it’s something we do enjoy with each other. The comfort being the place where we just might not try for something new, but knowing we’re just comfortable doing what we know works. We actually try to change things up every now and then, which makes for exciting changes that we grow with as well.
And creatively, I do think that this year, I try my best to include Clarice in my creative pursuits, being a challenge to my sense of comfort. I’m used to working on my own, and my creativity exists on its own self. But with Clarice, I need to think of her thoughts too, and how to incorporate our thoughts together. Or maybe even to think of how I could grow more because I have her creative thoughts too.
That challenge of being comfortable.
Perhaps tomorrow I’ll work on the other side of it, and share about the enjoyments of being comfortable. If it happens that way, that is.
There are some easy days in Singapore. These are the days when the air is nice and cool, and it rains all day long. And then there are days where it is really hot and sunny, and it feels like standing in the sun is like sticking your hand into an oven.
And then there are days when it feels like the world is a sauna, just that you’re wearing all your clothes, plus a mask, and its just outright hard to breathe.
That’s what today felt like when I was running around for errands. It felt like there was someone trying to waterboard me, just that it was myself with my mask on, and the water being poured on was my sweat along with my humid breath. I dripped sweat from the back of my head sitting in an air conditioned bus. It was just such a mad sense of humidity. Didn’t enjoy it at all.
I hope tomorrow’s weather is slightly better. Less like a damn pair of underwear.
side note: Just started watching the new Disenchanted. It’s making my sense of comedy drop tremendously, along with my grammar. Help I can’t stop myself. Honk.
There’s some pride I take towards getting good sleep score when I sleep and wake up the next day. I think its mostly me being proud of myself getting in a place to get good sleep, like reading, and chilling out. Getting a good night time routine going to get me asleep.
Currently this is my night time routine:
Turn off all major bright room lights and get all warm lights on
Shower for the day (cold showers preferable)
Floss and Brush teeth, maybe gargle / mouthwash.
Cool down in the bedroom, with aircon and fan on, to get my body temp lower.
Write or summarize the day in some way. It could be an app tracking the things I did today. Or this daily blog
Read a book.
I find that this sequence has worked one of the best, and got me a really good score yesterday. And it needs to be done by about 10PM, if not my brain gets kinda cranky, and I don’t get myself to sleep properly.
I also realised I really enjoy the use of soft earplugs. Last night I used the Loop earbuds, that are great to sleep with for some reason. They don’t hurt my ears like how some of the foam ones do, and they don’t roll out of my ears through the night.
I’m aiming to have really good sleep tonight again, because I’ve done all the things that I mentioned above, and I’m really ready to rest well for tomorrow’s early day.
A self reminder post for myself to have good sleep.
I think there are times when I am meeting new people for the first time, and when I do get to talk to them, all of a sudden, it feels like we were always meant to be friends. This doesn’t happen all the time, and its not because the person is charismatic or anything, but it’s just that connection.
I reflect on two friendships: one with a friend closer to my age, and another where the friend is much younger, by about 10 years of difference. Both people are extremely different in personality, and how they approach life. Yet, both are friends that I would text often to talk with. It might also be a good time to state here that both might not think of themselves being good friends to me, but I do actually consider both of them as close friends of mine. Perhaps I am the weird one, that keeps people at arms lengths most of the time, because of the thoughts I have, and the actual introversion that I deal with.
Both of these friends were not friendships that I sought after, meaning I was looking to make friends at that time. Instead, both were relationships that were formed suddenly. I happened to be at a group meeting, at both times, and I took to them in a positive light. I enjoyed their thoughts and their inputs. I enjoyed my interactions with them. There was no transactional benefit, in my own opinion, other than actually just whole heartedly enjoying the time I had with them.
Much like entertainment, friendships can be wildly entertaining for both parties, without a transactional benefit for either one. “My Dinner with Andre” being a movie that looked at the theatre of the abstract, and became in itself a movie that observed that abstract interaction between friends. That enjoyment of conversation is something I treasure deeply with friends. The spontaneity, the randomness. The lack of planning, and the simple presence of existing.
If only there was more time in the world catered for friendships. But enough with wishing, and instead, I will exist for that purpose, to enjoy friendships, as God has given them to me to enjoy.
Thank God for friends, especially those that I never sought, and have received miraculously.
I had read somewhere that the writers of old had really appreciated the pen, in the way that the speed of writing would play as a speed limit for an author’s thoughts. At that time, it was also thought that the typewriter would kill the author’s writing processes, and yet we progressed further to the computer. However, I am now writing on an extremely old keyboard, and my thoughts are only travelling as fast as my keyboard speed can go.
The shift key does not work well, the enter key needs a lot of pushing. Basically, all the keys have some level of annoying press that I need to push through, before it decides to agree with me.
I find the irony of writing in this process, as an artistic expression of one’s own approach to life – we intentionally go through the most difficult things, in order to have some sense of achievement from it. The keyboard enthusiast in me is screaming, in joy for the chance to type on such an old device, and in functional pain, from trouble of pressing repeatedly so many times to type things out.
I will need to deep clean this board soon, to get a bit more consistency in function. Otherwise, my attempt at slowing my thoughts down will lead to just outright frustration all the day long.
Sometimes I really enjoy doing this; talking with a friend, as I walk around. Its fun to just move and talk, and to get some bits of exercise as we’re talking, to notice the scenery around. It makes for some distractions sometimes, but otherwise, I find these conversations very enjoyable. Granted, meeting times are meant to be more serious. But not all catch ups are meetings, and sometimes its fun to talk and walk.
Even when it’s in the rain, or when it’s bright sunny weather. It’s nice to literally journey with another human being.
How do you tell someone that they’re not good at something that they think they’re good at?
An example of this is someone who thinks that they’re good at social engagements, but unfortunately, they’re actually quite socially awkward. I find this specific example very difficult to explain to people, because their perception of what made for good conversation is quite different. Their readings of other people’s physical responses to their speech is also not very accurate, which leads to more misunderstood approval.
Perhaps I also suffer from this at times, when I misread someone’s physical cues, and I assume that everything is going well. But this is quite infrequent, and thankfully I have my wife to alert me on occasions when I do misread. But truthfully, perhaps this happens more often.
Maybe at the end of the day, I’m actually the one that’s not very good at something that I think I’m good at. And unfortunately, that will be something I need to work through. I think keeping myself humble through all these thoughts of self glorification is something I really need to be aware about, and work towards improving in any way possible.
But before it goes into a dark spiral of self doubt, I do think having other people to correct or to affirm you is really a good thing to look forward towards. I appreciate the times when I’m corrected, and I look forward to my own improvement. I just hope I get it more often, and in an encouraging way of course.
There’s a bible verse that reads as this:
Go to the ant, you sluggard;
Proverbs 6:6-8
consider its ways and be wise!
It has no commander,
no overseer or ruler,
yet it stores its provisions in summer
and gathers its food at harvest.
It was during today’s short work out in the morning where I saw the ant, and saw its continual work that it was doing. I was up early because I couldn’t sleep. I felt that there was work to do, which I was not yet doing, and I needed to do it. So I got up, started my day, and then went to do some morning exercises.
But lo and behold, as I was doing pushups mindlessly for my own vanity, an ant was already crawling around the ground, and working for its queen somewhere. It wasn’t seeking its own fame or fortune, but literally working for the better of his society, for his queen.
I don’t always think this way. I don’t put the priorities of everyone else ahead of mine, to the point of approaching a giant, in hopes of getting food for the day. That’s really mind blowing, and in many ways, it’s highly self sacrificial.
Starting with a verse, I don’t mean to preach, I just mean to look at the creatures constantly beneath my feet. I look, and I see that I am often no better than the ant. I might have intelligence, and I might have sophistication, but where is my heart for the people around me, and for the society that I exist in?
More than that, am I a sluggard, that just sits there, waiting for the world to fall into the right shape so that I can follow the well trodden path? Or perhaps I ought to make the first lanes, facing the giants ahead. Perhaps these perilous routes will lead for more to take over me thereafter.
Perhaps I might need to face giants more often, so that I can be an ant to the groups around me.
I actually slept in past 10AM today. In a normal day, I would usually be up and about by 8AM, with cup of coffee and daily journal in hand.
But there was something very soothing in today’s morning sleep. It felt like I had some interruptions in sleep, I do remember getting up to go pee every now and then. And yet, my sleep was good. There was a good sense of rest and relaxation, and it felt like the world was wrapping me up in dreams and just the softness of the bed.
After waking, I remained in a horizontal position for awhile more, and decided to finish up the book that I was reading. Equal Rites by Terry Pratchett, as part of the Discworld Series. It was nice to finish a book, a thoroughly funny and nonsensical one, within a realm of fantasy that understood its place in modern times.
It always leads me to ask myself. If I started writing a book today, what would I write on? What interests me the most to start writing about it, or what do I feel creatively about to have a story written? I think having themed words are fun for many people to get started, but sometimes the simplicity of daily life is sometimes enough for me to think about life too.
I like Haruki Murakami for his slice of life that’s somewhat spooky. I enjoy that twist. I also like the straightforwardness of some academic writing, or the self help books. Perhaps that’s the right direction that I should take. Self help for the idealist in modern times.
In any case, it’s early, and I’m sleepy already, so goodnight world.
Finish the task at hand before starting a new one.
I think this is the line I have the most trouble with sometimes. I have a million things on hand, and I keep having to find separate times to finish different bits of it. I hate it, and I find that sometimes one of the key things I do is to sit down and finish up work that I had started.
Worst still is the feeling of a long term task that was unfulfilled. I hate it when a project sits unfinished, and I have no means of finishing it because it links to another person’s task instead. That sits on my mind so badly, and I spend most of my time wishing I wasn’t involved in those projects in the first place.
Like a lottery ticket that didn’t win, it’s just hopes and dreams that never became real.
So I have to try somehow to make sense of it. To complete the work in a level that at least, I am out of the picture. It’s not perfect, but at least I’ll be done with the work that would drag for ages instead.
were never really possible to begin with. Because most of the time, Fridays are spent rushing around, making sure a range of things are happening at exactly the right times. What makes it even crazier really is that today I had my intern come over to learn how to use design softwares, and I had a working lunch, where I needed to forecast things into the future.
I do wonder if I would ever approach things in a normal way, where I do only one task a day. I remember the feeling of that vividly during the lockdown periods, and I really didn’t like it. I would still end up spending the day doing something else, and basically I would busy myself somehow.
But I do aim for a simpler day, as an ideal or a dream. A day when I can wake up and read a book leisurely as the sun rays stream into the room. Or maybe a day where I can just relax and not think too hard about what needs to be done, and I can just exist.
But then again, that’s not really me. Bu the search for simplicity is me. The same way that I would always strive for minimalism, and never get it, because of who I am.
That’s okay, I’m okay to say that I’ll never hit it, as much as I try to. Not for the lack of trying, but because if I do reach that goal, I would actually not be happy. I know that, and I am willing to just keep it as a floating idea in the back of my head.
I also thought that I should choose some of my thoughts to write into a zine. and to publish that zine as an art magazine.
Maybe I would also start to write more intentionally here, in either a more expressive way, or with more writing finesse. I haven’t decided yet, obviously, but I will make sense of this somehow.
Time has been really tight today, and I would say it is by choice.
I was slow in the morning, and it felt like the day really snowballed in many ways.
One of the most surprising things today was that a cat came into our house, and was stuck under our chest of drawers. Then we fed it an egg, and a bunch of cat snacks.
Then we had to bring it down, because we couldn’t hold at cat at home basically, and we rushed cooking dinner. It was a crazy day of getting things ready and being present.
I love the inconsistency of today, and how it really just went against every grain of my sense of routine. But at the same time, I really wish there was a better plan of how today could have gone.
Ohwell, here’s to another tomorrow.
Just watched The Matrix today with Clarice. It was really quite interesting to rewatch many of the sequences that I had remembered as a child. And to pair them with scenes from Matrix Resurrections, it was really something I didn’t expect to recall in specific ways.
The Matrix does hold a special place in my heart, because of its philosophical aspects of it. More than that, I think it was a uber cool mix of computer hacking things, heavy metal music, along with super cool fight scenes.
I really wonder what type of a child I was when I was growing up, to be so into a movie like that. Not the regular Star Wars (I was into Star Wars, but a lot more into the Matrix), and not the regular fantasy of Harry Potter, but into this cyberpunk world of fight scenes, bullet time, and all those types of things.
Bigger ideas of the Animatrix, and the expanded universe of the Matrix franchise are really things that I enjoyed thinking about, watching, enjoying. These were really hobbies, thoughts and fascinations that I carried with me into adulthood. It framed a lot of how I saw and viewed the world, and I really enjoyed it.
I’m thinking of my own narratives, on how the world works, and what I think I should tell to the generations after that. I really hope that I would be able to leave something behind for the rest of the world to watch, and to relate to somehow.
It feels like today passed really quickly, and even more than that, we’re already into the second month of the year. Every day passes as if I’m on a skateboard rolling downhill. It doesn’t help that the days are filled with different types of meetings, and I’m just in the capsule of my room or my office orbiting around the worlds of meetings.
But today’s the Lunar New Year, and we’ve gotten a chance to catch up with family.
It was really good to see my uncle that I’ve not seen in much at all in the past year. It feels like forever since I’ve seen him, and I’m really glad that he is okay, and that he’s had time with my cousins in America. Catching up with him always comes back to the times when I’ve traveled with him, and it’s been more than 10 years since.
That’s really life, rolling on a skateboard downhill, and it just goes faster and faster, until you realised its crashing into its end.
And there’s no jumping off it either.
As a Chinese person, I have the luxury of celebrating the Chinese Lunar New Year. Luxury of stuffing myself with a multitude of reunion dinners, where the pure aim is to eat as much food as possible, and to commend your family for their great cooking. At the same time, there’s the constant talk about how things are, and what life is about.
The good thing would be that after the New Years dinners, you would be able to celebrate the first day of Chinese New Year with a lot of Red Packets, where money is given. Parents will give their children, and married people will give unmarried people within the family.
Traditions aside, my goal has been to just survive the food every year. This year, I have begun to fail terribly, but I have learnt to just not eat during the day time. It works, until it doesn’t, where I have over eaten during the dinner itself.
I hug my food baby, as Clarice and I waddle back home, and I hold myself for a bit, as I try to induce myself to poop as much as my bowels will allow.
After the pushing, and the food baby partially exits my body, I crawl back to bed, exhausted from eating, and pooping. I sleep, and wake up, and repeat it for the next few meals.
And that, is a Chinese New Year dinner. This goes on for at least 2-3 days. Pray for me.
There’s some major ideas of what is good, and what is right. And most of the world is willing to get behind most morally good things.
But sometimes, you get some really dark and weird influences, like Filthy Frank:
It’s mean, it’s racist, its everything, but at the same time you know its satire, and people there are really just trying to say things that are as mean as possible so that their comments would be read, or something along those lines. Ok, or possibly they’re really truly offended by what “Frank” was saying. In any case, I personally feel there’s definitely space for expression like this, no matter how disturbing and dark it gets.
So as I pour through Joji’s old clips as Frank and stuff, I’m just really curious how and when did he decide to make the song parts of things real. And maybe even deeper, how did he even get started on Frank in the first place.
I guess I wonder these things because I feel like there’s a Frank inside me, waiting to get out one day too.
I keep writing these really last minute posts, just to keep my writing streak. I think it’s a balance to the super long ones that come in between.
I went for a Barter Market today, and I traded things that I actually wanted to give out. It was quite fun, and had a really quick set of great conversations. I caught up with some friends, some of whom I haven’t seen in years.
Memories are really hard to deal with at times I guess. It’s kinda crazy how time flies by.
I should do some real research and start my book draft going. I really hope to start writing, and to come up with a book that I could be happy with somehow.
Fears of publishing, fears of just being myself on paper, on words. I just gotta try it and see how it goes. At the end of the day, it would just be for myself anyway. That’s the aim of it all I guess.
Today started out fine, but man it snowballed through. Thankfully it ended okay, but going through the hump of the middle of the day was really not easy.
We almost couldn’t find a way to get out of the airport, the areas were all boarded up to direct the human traffic flow. But it meant that we literally could not make out of the airport. We basically ended up running to our Grab Ride, because the driver was driving in circles to try and find us.
Exits aside, we actually had a great lunch at a Michelin Star Soba restaurant. I had a truffle shoyu soba, and Clarice had an agemono don. Really tasty stuff, and it was definitely worth the 45 bucks we spent on it.
Before that, we had a tragic Starbucks morning. The regular brewed coffee that I go for had some sediments just floating all over it. I think the paper had broke, and basically I changed a cup for the exact same thing. Meant that the coffee was ultra dark and bitter, but hey, that’s kinda what I was asking for.
Yesterday, we had a long day of sitting around, reading, and watching movies. We also cycled along the Jurassic Mile, from the airport towards East Coast Park. The sun was great, the wind was really great, and it was a generally easy cycle the whole way through.
We watched Scream at night, and it was another requel – the reboot sequel, where legacy characters are brought again. It actually felt very much the same as the Matrix show we had watched the day before.
Matrix Resurrections really felt like that too, but I enjoyed the general idea of it. A little disappointed in the story line, but for the sake of another Matrix show, I don’t mind it.
The King’s Man, the prequel to the Kingsman Series, was really well done. I appreciated the story, and that they got Ralph Fiennes to get into it. Another classic English actor playing one of those very gentlemanly roles. Great show, and explained a lot about how I personally feel about war as well.
I really appreciated that I could watch and read things without being bothered because of how I had scheduled my notifications. It was really great that no one could bother me, unless I intentionally made effort to look at my texts. Obviously I did not. But that was a good reminder of the amount of restraint that was needed for me to do that. It really does take an intentional step aside to make sense of that.
I would really make effort to do those things in the months to come, and to really just go off the grid to disappear. It was a good time of rest, and I wish I could do it more often.
An imagery that stuck with me was cycling past the Radio Controlled Club – or something along things lines. Everyone there was playing with remote controlled cars, and driving these noisy little cars with really loud engines around a small track.
Just a bunch of older guys, sitting around a miniature racing track, and chilling out through the day. It was a good reminder of what life really should be like, and what we work so hard for.
To just enjoy his toil. That’s God’s gift to man. Please help me enjoy my toil, God.
There’s a lot to say, but not enough time to right now, because we’re going to watch another movie.
More updates tomorrow, but in other news, I hope everyone buys the dip – regarding the ETH and other things crashing lol.
When taking a break from work, especially in this COVID situation, it always feels as if you’re not really off from work, or it feels as if there’s no point being away from work. But I deeply disagree with that, because there’s too much of a clash, from too many things. The compartmentalized part of my brain sees it as a constantly overflow. The box holding work and time commitments is continually being over filled, and never cleared, because there really hasn’t been a time to break properly.
In the most current iOS updates, there’s a Focus modes, where you can choose who can contact you, what apps can send you push notifications, and the list goes on. So I am currently completely uncontactable. I mean you could send me things, but I’m not going to see it at all.
This is great for someone like me who has a big problem seeing that red dot on my notifications. I literally will clear all texts just to have that red button gone. Perhaps I should really reconsider how often I check my phone as well, but there are times when I’m needed to respond for time sensitive occasions, so I leave it on. But in the time to come, it will definitely be off.
My mental work boxes are starting to clear up, I’m getting a better sense of clarity of what and how much I’ve been taken up by, and how much more I want to let go off in the coming year. I’m planning handovers, and getting the people working with me for my departure. Thankfully I have that time now to plan that, but key for me, I really need to plan for that time for me to leave more brain space open. I’m really filled too much to the brim right now.
Side note: Finally watched Matrix Resurrections, and I’ll definitely buy the iTunes movie version of it, and watch it a million times over and over. It’s great because of the universe it keeps expanding to, but I really wish there was more backstory into the world of the machines, like how the AniMatrix went into. I’m psyched, just wish there was more.
Gonna watch The King’s Men in a bit, will probably add that to tomorrow’s post instead.
I should have a standard set of things I write for a test post for a new keyboard. Or maybe I should just make things up as I go along.
Currently writing on this: Prime E – a 40% Alice.
I’m trying to get used to the typing, and sometimes writing numbers and symbols really make you get used to writing with a new board. This paragraph is coming along much faster than writing that one sentence just now, because I had to figure out where everything is.
Also I’ve programmed my right spacebar as enter, and the left one as space, as how I would have for any other split board. But for the 40, man, this is a real pain in the ass.
In any case, this keyboard was a good year in the making, because I had ordered the PCB last year, and literally spent the year thinking about which case to buy. And finally I saw a case that I’m pretty happy to work with.
Right now, this keyboard really sounds just perfect *chef’s kiss*. Only slight regret is that I can’t bring this keyboard with me tomorrow for my holiday.
I think today is one of those days, where I’m trying to vault over all the issues that I’ve been mentally dealing with. Over the weekend, I gathered a really long list of things that I needed to clear today. I cleared through about 80-90% of them, and tomorrow I will clear through the rest of it.
One of the key things that this list includes is actually working out, and at 10PM, I’ve actually done a set of workouts that I haven’t done in a really long time. It was a kettlebell set, and it’s to train me to do overhead presses in a better and more efficient way. The only thing is that I’m really hot now, and the way that this set of exercises go is a long slow burn. So I’m not exactly aching, but my internal body heat feels really really high.
In the back of my mind, I do have some keyboard builds to complete. I’m also going for a staycation on Wednesday, so I’m getting ready for that too. I feel like I really need a good break from doing all the work that I’ve been doing.
Everyone needs a good break once in awhile, and I hope that if you’re reading this, you’re taking a good break too.
Today was so hot.
I felt my skin burning under the sun, and the moment I hit the shade, it really felt so cool. The only time I’ve felt sun this hot and scorching was when I was in Australia. It was a dry heat too, so maybe that’s why I thought of Australia too.
It was definitely a day of a lot of conversation, and not a quiet day. I think from the start of the day, I’ve not really stopped talking, unless for time short times of travel.
So maybe right now, I’m a little talked out. A little out of steam, from all the talking.
Oh but I did have a hot bath too, which was really relaxing, and I enjoyed that time.
Little thoughts, because I had expressed a lot of what I was already thinking about. Guess it was a good day!
I think that’s really one of the troubles of a daily blog. I would miss some days that are too busy, and sometimes I just wouldn’t have the space to talk about something that happened.
But I guess that could be a topic on its own: on yesterday’s busy day.
One of the dinners we had before all the rush was at Saizeriya. It’s not like the greatest food, but sometimes a cheap meal with some taste similar to what I hoped for is more than enough. Not complaining about it at all! The view was really great though, the image above is the street that our table overlooked.
But yesterday’s busyness was really one that was all over the place. I was so awake and determined to do something that I just made every effort to get out of the house early and start chipping away at the work that I needed to do.
Lunch was a great time of catching up with a pastor whom journeys with me, since I was fresh out of army. I would say it’s even been 10 years since we’ve started meeting, and it was a really pleasant time of catching up, sharing thoughts and ideas.
I was so tired from the morning work, that I napped almost immediately after I got home, and it was a good hour of nap before another 2 hour meeting.
Followed by a spicy dinner – Chix Hot Chicken, and then another meeting, but I was doing my work through that meeting, so it wasn’t too crazy.
Spent the rest of the night finishing up the work from the morning, and then crashed for the night.
I don’t know why exactly I’m explaining the many meetings of my day, but I guess my initial ideas of what would make an exciting blog post didn’t really turn out that way. It just reads like my complaints of how much work I had to do in a day.
But that’s mostly it as well, I do think that I had too much to do in a day, and maybe tomorrow, I’ll explain what I did to destress. It includes purchasing random nonsense for Clarice.
I was in a life funk of sorts over the past few weeks, and I struggled to try and get a sense of what I would like to do, or what I want to be, who I want to be. As part of this, I still did my daily journalling, writing here, and all that.
Today I’ve been feeling better a bit, so I flipped back through my journal, and I found that I really enjoyed writing this week because of the range of pens and ink colors I’ve gotten to use:
This looks somewhat crazy, but I swap between quite a few pens during the day too, along with my keyboards.
I found that each color and the writing feel just changes how I feel about the things that I’m going through. I end up feeling happier a little bit, especially upon reflection.
This leads me to also see that as much as I like and idealise the minimalist lifestyle, it’s not me. I realised that the past few weeks, I’ve dreaded looking through the writing that I was doing, and it was really because I kept having to deal with my same old boring colors. I basically put two grey colors on two of my pens, it made me feel really low and dull.
The same for typing and keyboards: having a range of keyboards to type with really change the way that I feel.
Strangely enough, for work, I’m happy to have a range of black T-shirts (maybe that’s the variation), and with my raw denim jeans, and I’m good to go. But I do feel the need to have other colors of white and other printed tees on my days off, on days when I’m just chilling.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll find out more things about myself from my daily activities that I don’t really think so hard about.
There are some things that I do that and I wonder if they’re insignificant. For example, yesterday, I added an artisan on my keyboard, and I was wondering if I should talk about it.
In some sense, artisan keycaps are something I do wonder about a lot. If someone bought a mechanical keyboard just for their artisan keycaps, it feels like an overkill. It’s like attaching a bionic leg just for the sake of having another shoe on your feet. Extreme example, but an example nonetheless.
In my self righteous claim of why I use a mechanical keyboard, I always revert to the keyboard being one for the typing purpose, and it should always be surrounding the experience of typing. But then again, that’s really just me, and maybe for a lot more people it’s the look of the keyboard above everything else.
Keyboards aside, what’s up with yesterday’s crypto crash as well? Everything looked like it was hopeful for all of a day, but now… we’re looking at it sliding back down again. Ohwell.
Whenever I do these daily blog things, I end up going into two very different mindsets. Either it becomes this huge philosophical piece, or I get into my emotions and end up becoming very frustrated at a range of things. Then I question if I could maintain this blog in the first place but maybe that’s not really the point of a blog.
So I’m deciding to just talk about things that happen to me daily, and my thoughts on those things. Or the things that have happened the day before, and my thoughts on those things. I’ll try it out, and maybe that would work better.
I washed my denim jacket the other day:
I did a 30 minute soak with detergent, followed by 4 rinses to get the dirt and soap out. Then left it to air dry in both sun and shade, so that it would dry ASAP. And it did, so everything was dried within a day.
Normally, I would prefer to wash it after much longer, but I had a real bad sweat in it one of the days, so it became way too stinky for me to wear it. Kept smelling really funky, but I think I got a good 103 hours of wear since Sep 2021. The aim that I was trying to follow with the Momotaro company with was 32hrs a week, so I definitely fell far from that. But at least I tried I guess?
A point is that after washing, the jacket got its fabric stiffness back again. Just before washing, it was getting softer and softer, from all the movements. But after washing, the sun drying, and I guess just from letting it hang, it became stiff again, as with all other raw or one wash denims.
Momotaro Type 2 Jacket – Going to Battle, 03-051. Size 38.
Started wearing in 15 Sep 2021, and first wash on 15 Jan 2021. (122 days apart, 4 Months)
Total time worn: 103 hours
Average wear: 0.84hrs a day
There are some things that I’ve thought often about. One of those things is really the end of the world.
It’s not the cliche, it’s more of the reality of it. The thought that perhaps tomorrow we would realize the farce we live in. The pointlessness of the money we try to earn. The silly of paying for things that someone else makes out of random things that come from the earth. The whole shebang of what we consider modern society and science.
What if one day we realize the imposter syndrome is really the fact that we lie to ourselves everyday and pretend that this world that we’re currently existing in is the ideal world? The imposter would be society and the way the world works, and not us actually.
It’s actually not us that can’t cope with the successes or the ability to perform, but it was just never needed in the first place. Those who could pretend really well just kept it up until everyone was living the biggest practical joke in the world.
Or maybe these are just some of the thoughts I have while watching Don’t Look Up on Netflix. lol.
I really feel handicapped at times, when I want to make or progress in a creative direction. I feel this sense of a lack of time, a lack of resources, and just don’t have the right things in hand. Then I go on this spree and buy a million things to make sure that I have everything right. Then I start to do something, only to work on it for a good month or two, and I give up.
This process really frustrates myself, and I am the exact cause of it. I see myself needing these things, and I feel as if I can’t do it without that item, or tool.
But the truth of it, along with some other self reflection, is that I can do it. It’ll take me longer, it’ll take more time, but I can do it. And more than that, I should do it. Because sometimes I just need to make do with what I have.
I think it boils down to gratefulness. Am I content and grateful for what I currently have? I know I am not. I want more, and I need it to function, or so I suggest to myself.
But I need to be, I need to learn to manage these emotions, and these desires, before they make me into a self serving person. It could very easily continue in this current way, and for me to have many things, and never producing anything that I am actually happy with. Or just not being there consistently enough to develop that skill of mastery.
Anyway, these thoughts are happening because I’m thinking whether I could work off an iPhone 13 Pro Max, or a MacBook Pro/Air. Super different needs and purposes that would be served, but these thoughts are just in my head.
There are days that are good, and I feel at ease,
But right now, my days are off by quite a tangent, and I am not me.
There seems to be a different version,
Something maybe broken,
but probably, its just me being anti me.
As much as I’ve been able to write some of my thoughts here, and post some of what I think and my processes, I’m still living my life everyday. Right now, that part of my life, the everyday part that goes to work, and tries to manage things there, it feels like that part is severely out of sync. I try my best to manage it, but I think that there are too many things on, and it’s not doing well for my health and for my mind.
I write here, in some hope that it would help me to manage, and it works in some way. I do look forward to writing here because I can type away, and be myself in some form.
But at the heart of it, my inner being is challenged with who I am and who I have to be. My role in work requires some level of leadership, and I have to be in the front a lot. It means there are times when I have to be someone that I don’t agree with. I try my best to step out of that person, but when I allow myself to be a bit more disagreeable, I find that sorrow breeds more sorrow. To be less abstract, I feel that when I allow myself to rant and address my frustrations to any one of my co-leaders, it creates more dissatisfaction and I don’t know how to get out of it. I prefer my original self, that just either hides the frustration until it goes away. Its not that I don’t face the frustrations, its just that I face the issue first, and then I decompress my feelings after that. But right now, I actually don’t know if I have the mental space to do that.
No harm trying though, to think myself back to how my mind prefers to hear and understand myself. And I’ll keep writing to give myself something to look forward to everyday.
Where is this going?
Is there a need for it to go a certain way?
What are the benefits?
Am I enjoying the present?
These are some of the questions that I was asking myself at the start of the day, and surprisingly enough, I think I was forced to answer these questions for myself as the day went along.
In terms of a process, I really started today with some dread. There were some things that I was really not ready to do, and I was just not looking forward to it. But time passed, and I just swallowed my frogs as the day went along.
Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Mark Twain
There were actually other frogs along the way today, but honestly, I really cleared out some bad ones in the morning. Not necessarily horrible, but there were calls I just dreaded to make, and scenarios that I was not looking forward to dealing with.
Sometimes, I do wonder, what’s the point of my managing my life well if other people are going to miss it up. Like is there really any benefit to trying to make life work out well? There’s always chaos around, so is there truly any benefit of making it better at the current state. I don’t seem to have a good answer to that, so there are some days where I just exist in chaos and allow the world around me to deal with it. Some days I add on to the chaos, in hope of alleviating my own frustrations in some cathartic fashion.
All in all, I guess I still try to make things turn out in a positive light. I don’t like to deal with a negative storyline. Which direction, and how are things heading? Hopefully in an uptrend for myself as I make sense of the world around me.
I’ll do a few more posts on how sad it is to be different from people, then later I’ll see what else I can make sense of in happier ways.
I would think that everyone actually deals with this, but sometimes being the person that speaks up and makes actions to prove that one is unique, that really makes you aware of how individual one really might be. There have been a number of occasions in a group discussion where I can see eyes darting around for assurance from each other, but I’m happy to just speak my mind and be the one that is not with everyone else. It excludes me, but truthfully, everyone is also struggling with this sense of exclusion.
So this one is the one that really gets to me the most. There are times when I am disregarded because of how out of the norm I think. My expressions, though everyone might be thinking similar possibilities, are usually just considered as thoughts that don’t make sense, or that don’t match with the majority.
This means I honestly suffer a ton when doing table top role playing games. The game masters would either appreciate my thoughts, but the group is usually struggling in the wildest ways on how to make sense of what I’ve just thrown us into.
I think these are two short ones for today, I’ll write more about other things tomorrow, it does feel like I’m beating a dead horse a bit. Or maybe I’m just not in the mindset to write more today. We’ll see how things go.
In line with what I was saying yesterday, there’s some very specific things to think about for one to actually be different.
It doesn’t matter whatever the internal thoughts are, because many are thinking the same things. But it’s the one who lives them out that really makes that difference into the person who is being.
If someone says “you took the words out of my mouth”, it probably means that you had the same thought as the person, but you are the one who said it. It also makes you the specific person who changed that tone, the mood, the conversation, that point in time.
Many people look at abstract art and say, “I could have done that myself.” The question is really, would you have? Because you could have and you did not. But the artist did and the artist becomes that unique person.
Only the person who expressed that point is the one who holds that flair of being unique.
Even though everyone had the same thought as you, you were the one who said it. It means that everyone else didn’t say it, and that you were the odd one out. Therefore, you are not the same as everyone else, and the common thought is “why did he/she say it?”
This doesn’t seem to make logical sense, but humans are actually very illogical creatures. We tend to be a mix of irony and biases that lean towards our current preferences. We like something when our friends are there, but if it’s someone new and unknown saying something completely special, we take it with a bucket full of distrust. Objectively, this would not make sense, but within the context of humans being quite trapped in their daily context, we would not see otherwise as well.
I’ll do a few more of these, because I think I can express myself here as a person who is constantly seen as weird, or special, or unique (everyone else’s words, not mine). At least I can say it here, and continue to claim my spot as a weird person.
What makes me special?
What makes anything different?
Are we even different?
Or is everything the same?
From my youth, I understood that people always viewed being special as something important. At the same time, people also viewed people who didn’t fit in as weird. Special and weird were sometimes correlated, but self perceptions were always something to think through. Was I ever really someone totally different and unique? Or was I just weird?
As an adult now, I understand my weirdness was just more acceptable than others. I also understand that I was not really as unique as I had thought, but there were just parts of me that were a lot more expressive, and that gave off the impression that I was unique. But I objectively felt the same as everyone else, or so I thought.
I think some of the thoughts I have about life really relate to what I perceive as me being unique or not. There are many times that I see myself being very flawed. There are also times where I see myself as being extremely bold to take certain choices. Today was a day of bold choices, because honestly, I feel too constrained for too long.
I am waiting to express, to feel, and to just be different. Whether others accept me or not, is not as important as myself becoming completely unalike from the people around me. An extreme ideal, but I think it would be a fun challenge.
Perhaps I would elaborate on this more tomorrow, and that would be a better way to rest my tired mind.
I think I’m personally in a dark phase at the moment. I feel as if there are many things inside my mind that I am troubled by, and I have to be careful how I express it. I have disagreements with how the world is working around me, and with my perceptions of what value is compared to the rest of the work. It’s a dark place because of the depth of what I’m feeling – frustrations with the system, sadness for people who are suffering, and with this, my inability to change or care for them all. It’s also a dark place because I don’t think I’m supposed to care for them myself, and instead, I’ve placed this burden and this sense of wanting to be a saviour to such a personal and high extent that it becomes so unnecessary. I don’t like how it’s making me feel, but I have realised how deep the hole of personal boundary has been dug. It feels like I’ve been a recluse and I hid intentionally to keep from a range of silly people because of the silly things that they do. That makes it all the worse, because I share even less then. It’s a constant realisation that I don’t agree with many people, and the more I realise that, the further I draw away, dig deeper into myself.
How much does one diversify? I honestly think that there’s a lot that I think about that I don’t really express too much. That’s really because I have so many thoughts on so many things. I think many people are like this too, and sometimes, we dismiss thoughts that might not match our character.
But I tend to accept both sides of me, the dualism that exists, and I’m okay for that. I’m okay to have parts of me in complete disagreement, and for me to exist as such. This gives me a middle ground that I end up living out sometimes. Most of the time it turns out in extremes, but I think it’s quite a funny scene.
One of these is minimalism and hoarding multiples of the same one item. I only choose one, but I will have as many of that one as possible. I have at least 20 Black T-Shirts right now. I think I wrote about it – trisected.com/the-non-minimalistic-life/
Another one is with the idea of money and value, where I see the need to spend wisely, for value, and not for the purpose of saving money. I might have very little money, but I have a good number of items that are of good value. Maybe one day they would be items of great value, but right now they’re just doing okay.
Aside from owning things, I think one key area I struggle to decide is with my creative output. There’s many things that I could do, and yet, I struggle to decide which to publish.
I do have my interests, and my niches. I really enjoy talks about tech, health, longevity and productivity. These are different from things like Christianity, philosophy, and arts. Even more distant is hip hop, literature, and cooking. I guess it looks like things that I’m throwing up at random, but I do think I have quite an idea of what these different things are for me.
When it comes to publishing what I’m thinking about, I toggle through these different interests and the thinking patterns each one has. I decide which one makes the most sense for it. It works sometimes, but the internal struggle is hard to push against. Routine like this daily blog is something that fights for it. I force the flow, and force my brain from stopping me, like I’ve expressed before.
I think a part of me really wants to make more, and I think I just will go ahead for it. Maybe it’ll do well, and maybe it won’t. But much like this blog, I don’t think I do this for anyone else, other than me.
So here’s my balance to yesterday’s creative meanderings:
I think way too much over too many small things and I am always almost all over the place because of those thoughts. I’m either all over the place, or very prepared, because I’ve thought of the worst case scenarios.
I’ve also thought through many strategies on what would work and what wouldn’t work on different channels, and honestly, that’s really one of the biggest hindrances to my creativity. I tell myself that plan A won’t work because it’s not in this or that. Or plan B needs more refinement in this and that areas, so I shouldn’t publish. I should just focus on sharpening it more and more and more.
But what ends up is that I have nothing to show for all my thoughts.
That’s where this blog came in. I wanted a space to show that I had thought. I have been mulling about many ideas for some time. And this space is proof that I have. It’s not really cohesive. I mean from here, you’ll definitely not understand anything about keyboards. You also won’t understand anything about art.
But if you look through, you’ll see me. And that’s more important for me I guess. Perhaps that’s a good thing for me to do: to categorize my thoughts here into the different interests and you can then understand those portions better.
I’ll probably do that now.
In any case, one of the best creative breaks I’ve ever given myself was during the time that I did the Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. I started to see myself in a new light, and to see my creativity in a new light as well. It was really a breath of fresh air, and I think I will try my best to work towards that direction again. I need that space to breathe, and to create. But it takes time, that I need to commit to. That commitment entails some early waking up, which I haven’t been as consistent as I used to be with.
Perhaps that should be something I should begin to restart now.
For tomorrow’s Joel to work out!
Man! Doing a daily post is really something I found difficult last time, and now, its still something I need to put some effort into to get it right. Almost missed today’s post and I had a lot of good thoughts that I wanted to place here but the day is almost over and I have forgotten quite a bit of it.
I’ve been able to do creative things today – helped a friend out with a wall mural. It’s probably going to be finished in the next few days, but I don’t have any more slots to help her out with.
Being able to do something creative isn’t the whole magical shebang that you would imagine. Or at least, I don’t think that’s what I glean from my creatives sessions. I see it as a time where my hands are working, and my mind is thinking. My hands are not really being controlled, other than to match what I’ve set out to do – like painting, drawing, calligraphy. My mind is wandering because I’m seeing the space in many different ways, and I don’t really need to think of how to interact with it. It just interacts.
This “mindless interaction” is something that I really look forward to. My mind is usually at work, solving things, thinking and planning. But in my art, in my expression, it just goes. I don’t control, or at least I’ve learnt not to control. This gives me a lot more joy, as compared to previous experiences when I had a lot more of a controlled experience. Not to say that those controlled experiences weren’t wrong, but just to address my own current creative space that I look forward to.
I don’t need it to be defined, and I feel like defining these moments would spoil the fun of it. So I just do whatever creative pursuits pop up, and the aimlessness of it makes it interesting.
Then the planning side of me comes up, and I get very annoyed with myself. But to be smart, I shall save that story for tomorrow: How I combat my creative brain.
Today is starting to feel like an opposite of yesterday.
Yesterday, there was a sense of lethargy to get things going, but today it feels like there are many things waiting to get started, except that I keep running into walls.
A text updating me about something I had planned, a random person shouting below my block that throws my concentration off, table space that blocks my writing and typing.
And the biggest one: random YouTube comments about things that I don’t care about. Like my mouse. I have dedicated plans to talk specifically about the mice I have and use daily. I literally will point out what I have been using and why I am specifically not going to get a gaming mouse. It’s just not worth the money and time.
Same reason I will never get a PC. I would rather install bootcamp or the current equivalent on my Mac than to buy a PC and then to have a PC build. Either that, or I could also get a console or something, I don’t know.
But NO NEW MOUSE, and NO PC. It’s just not worth the time and space in my life.
kthxbye, thanks for coming to my ted talk. or website, whichever.
What do you do on the days when you don’t feel like doing any work?
It’s not that we’ve been lazy (yes, I dragged you into this), but maybe we’ve just done enough. There’s no more need to do any more.
The cool weather, with a nice touch of sun to light up the home, and thoughts of lazing in bed before the galore of responsibilities crash like a delivery driver on an electric scooter. Just smacking your straight on, with loud euro trash electro, and flashing lights. Saw it a mile away, and yet, we tried our best to savor the peace and quiet of the moment as long as we could.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.
Newton’s First Law of Physics
Was Newton not describing me today, sitting on my chair, lazing in my sofa, lying in bed, napping away?
Life is really when science and art meet.
End note: so much for the progress that I was working on for the past few days. The irony of it is that I’m still maintaining that sense of work, just that I don’t want to do it.
I awoke earlier than expected today, which led me to think, why not? And I decided to go for a morning run at 630, instead of rushing it at 730. This gave me a whole hour ahead, and I’ve already cleared through some of my morning routine before my regular waking hours. It might mean that tomorrow I would try to make these same timings again, or maybe I would sleep in because tonight would end a bit later than usual.
Yet, Time is what I’m really chasing after.
I’ve been watching many finance videos recently because of a sudden interest in NFT gaming, and the whole crypto space. The more finance videos I watched, the more entranced I became with the idea of money being key. But today, on my run, that was something I really just struggled to come to terms with. What do I want money for? What’s the point of it?
I currently live in a smallish apartment, under a government based rental scheme, as I wait for my pre-booked apartment to be built. In Singapore we call these BTOs – Built To Order. But because I have my current apartment, I’ve been able to purchase many things for the household. We have a single seater sofa, we have our bed, we have shelving (that I purchased in my twenties), clothes that will last me a good 3-5 years without me buying new ones, and a few other household things that I would survive very well with.
I honestly have to say that I am living a very rich life right now. My interests are easily pursued, and the depth of knowledge and experience that I would like to pursue is within my fingertips. I don’t need anything that would require me to have a lot of money for it. I currently don’t see the need for the “financial stability” that many in finance have been talking about.
I do see the flip side, that if my interests, in collect keyboards, vinyl, and diving deep into things like art; if money becomes one of these interests, I can see myself diving very deep into it as well, and aiming to “collect as much as possible”. But why? Money as a point of collection or accumulation sounds ridiculous in the skill and scope of what I have been able to achieve. Currently at least.
And because of that, I will still play around with crypto, and properly throw some money into long term investments, maybe with a regular yield (regular to be defined). But I will not invest the same amount of time and effort that I had put into keyboards, or my other creative hobbies just for gaining wealth. I think that would be an unwise use of my time.
Instead, I will chase my daily times of exercise, of creativity. I think even the gaming NFTs (Gods Unchained and Axie Inifinity) have more holistic gains because I’m able to learn tactics, and enjoy myself. I will chase the things that would be harder to chase after when I hit my older age. Like learning new things, experiences and stretching my body to its healthier limits when I still can.
As I note myself thinking through these things, I am reminded that I am after all saying all these things from a place of much career safety. I would like to think that I am in a niche, and will be needed. But I know the truth of it being that no one is really needed that same way.
I also understand that I am very influenced by my own sense of idealism. I do not mean to put any one down. I know that the hobby of collecting keyboards would sound ridiculous to someone who is into finance and investment. And my ideals are really not normal.
I am also moved by my current moment, which does not need me striving for money. My views on all these might change one day, and probably will. But for today, I will live with my ideals.
Tomorrow might be entirely different.
Definitely made good progress from yesterday to today! I utilized as many productivity processes that I could think of and here are the ones that I settled with.
I use a year – month – week – day Notion template. I was trying really hard to find it, but the template gallery has been really hard to work with. I’ll link it back here when I’ve gotten it together.
In essence, I get a year overview, then I get a monthly direction thing that I can set for myself, including personal goals and reflections, then I have a weekly log for weekly goals, and the finally a daily log with a journal and reflection space as well. Honestly if I was unemployed, or pursuing arts purely, I might use that template in a real life journal for me to track myself.
I also use a bullet journal, the minimal and highly functional type. This gives me an overview of the month/year and I know that I can use it for daily tasks, but sometimes I just don’t have the space to carry this on me. I try to use it at the end or at the start of the day specifically.
My template follows the most basic bullet journal layout, from the guys themselves: https://bulletjournal.com/pages/learn. I made a tweak for two portions: my monthly log has my full work schedule inside, and instead of goals, I’ve placed my habit tracker on the right hand side. This is because my daily tasks don’t usually follow through, and I don’t really track them on my bullet journal. Or at least I haven’t the past two years.
Within the space next to the date and day, I have 4 slots of time, which are expanded on the right of it. It’s indicative of morning, afternoon, evening, and night. This came mostly because my work has flexible hours, except for some non negotiable slots, so I have to track my working slots specifically. Usually I plonk in the mandatory ones first, then I will fill the space as I go along the day.
On the right side, the habit tracker is really for my own noting. I find that noting it this way works better than using a digital tracker, which I also have. I think its the process of taking the bullet journal out that makes it a very intentional tracking process. Also I don’t get distracted by texts and emails on my bullet journal.
Lastly, I’ve used Tim Ferriss Past Year Review for this year round. It’s an interesting process to think through the year past, and I’ve come up with some things that I really want to do more of, and some things that I should really avoid. Because of that, I’ve also intentionally included things like skateboarding, or reading into my schedule
It’s more of an internal process than anything else, but that determines your set of actions that you choose to take daily. One of the key things that I’ve really been annoyed with and I want to avoid is the obligatory meetings that I need to attend. To skip out on something that I actually need to be present for sounds ridiculous, but I’ve decided to draw and to create during those meetings. My hands can practice as my mind wanders a bit, and hopefully it will end up being a productive time for myself.
Hopefully these thoughts and processes were helpful. I think it’s made me come up with one of the most intentional posts I’ve ever written here.
It’s been some time since updating here. I had the weekly review just before the absence, and I think I was really struggling to keep it going somehow. It was great when I was doing the daily blog, and when I just missed it, it just started to slip away. There’s many things I’ve learnt about this process of writing every day, or making content every day, and this is something that I really struggle with.
I struggle to publish. Seth Godin had a few episodes on his podcast where he explains the need to publish, instead of just creating. I understand the purpose of that, but sometimes, that effort to place my artwork, or my thoughts and to press that button, it’s just not the same. There’s a million factors coming in, as I flip and flop between pressing that publish button or not to. Questions of what it means to me, and how I think about myself, and how I want to be perceived. Questions of quality and whether I’m happy with the work that I’ve produced. These weigh on me constantly, and sometimes the daily work just isn’t enough to keep it going, especially when I’ve taken a short break to reflect. That’s one reason why I’ve not published my artwork up for a long time.
I do want to restart daily blogging here. But I think I need to give myself more realistic limits, so that those questions that assail me would not tear down the content upon scrutiny. Either that, or the format in itself would match a range of things that I am happy with.
More thoughts on this soon, and perhaps this first week of daily blogging will be my process thoughts on how I will assess this daily blogging format.
Personal creative struggle aside, I am thankful for all that this year has given. Being able to write here has been a welcome blessing. If you’ve been a constant visitor here, I hope this gives you a glimpse into the layers of my thoughts as I process many things in a day.
I wish you all a blessed new year, because I hope the year will bless you abundantly in your needs and wants. I know that my needs and wants will be blessed for sure. May you have that same certainty as me.
This week was a real trip, because Clarice was really into the whole sleeping thing. She had just read “Why We Sleep” by Matthew Walker, and there was a lot of science explaining our sleep patterns and our lifestyles surrounding it. So she spent most of the nights with little lights, and started to limit her screen time.
The result has been us sleeping at about 11PM, and she wakes up at about 7AM the next day. It’s been interesting, and I’m in a weird place of not being able to sleep so early, and also wanting to do other things before I sleep. But overall, timing of my own sleep has improved tremendously, and I’m scoring all kinds of positive numbers for my Oura ring tracking.
A sad side note that for this week in particular: the Travis Scott Astroworld Tragedies. It’s really hard to take in how someone would let things slide so badly in a live performance. I mean, I used to think that Travis Scott was famous for being with the fans, and being like a real stand up guy. I remember he was famous for like joining in on Fortnite, and giving away chains and stuff to fans who knew his lyrics.
But this whole tragedy, and the people surrounding him coming out that he’s got real issues in his own private side of things. That’s really hard news to take in.
A number of people decided to stop listening to him, or to throw his songs out of their playlists. This is one of the hardest parts about cancel culture that I don’t know how to address. Should we remove the artist from the art? I think it’s definitely intertwined, and it’s that person who is behaves in an unsavory way that produces the music or art that we might enjoy. It’s more revealing of us, and it’s a part of us that we don’t agree with. But at the same time, it’s a part of us that we try to figure out, and maybe we struggle with it.
I think of the way that one laughs at comedians who tell dirty jokes. Yes, the dirty jokes are completely different from someone who lets others die while he sings a song. But at the same time, a dirty joke is something we might have wished we could have the ability to say. Maybe we wish we could have made fun of something, but we would also think it would be inappropriate to do so. And that is where the comedian, or critic does it for us instead.
And Travis Scott is that villain inside us sometimes. He raps and shouts things that we wish we could join in and shout about too. But the truth of it is that we could not have produced that same art without that same darkness that he has inside.
I’m by no means defending him, but I would like to separate the art from the artist. Meaning I understand the art of his music. But I do not agree with his actions in any way. The same can be said for xxxTentacion, and Morrissey, and other musicians who have lived very questionable and outrightly inappropriate lives.
Maybe one day, we could have a situation where the artist and the art produced could be totally immaculate. But I have a feeling the art produced would be somewhat boring. It is that darkness, that part of us that is unwanted. That part is what makes art appealing at times.
Maybe one day, there could be art produced that doesn’t center around that, and instead, it could be a glorious expression.
Maybe one day.
How fast time flies especially when I’m not blogging! I was thinking about how I should jump back onto updates here, especially because there’s actually a lot that goes on. I mean, I did manage to daily blog for at least 50 days in a row. I really have a lot of random things going on in my life at one time.
I had two orders come in that I was really excited about: Keyboards and Used Jeans. Orders from Amazon Japan, and from Yahoo Auctions Japan. I had won a full size RealForce Keyboard at a really good auctioned price, and then I won a nice pair of used Momotaro jeans. There are some parts that are so nice, and honestly, I see myself enjoying the things that I’ve gotten.
This week also proved to be a bit more restful than expected. I got to join in a mural painting on Wednesday. It was great getting to do some painting outdoors, and just to talk to other people who weren’t my colleagues. Sometimes there’s really a lot of baggage that we keep on carrying, and I just gotta let go of it. It’s not good to hold on to it, and I need to help my friends brush their baggage away too.
Books I’ve finished reading: The Great War by Ralph Kern. Sci-fi war book, interesting premise, and I’ve just finished Book 1 of 5. I will probably do the rest in the months to come.
Books I’m still reading: Sanshiro. I lay in bed one of the mornings and decided to start the book afresh. Man there were so many good lines that I had missed. Natsume Soeseki is really such a great author, and has such good command of expression. I keep thinking about what the Japanese original piece would say, instead of the English translation that I’m currently on. I will get to the Japanese book soon, I’ve already bought the book, and it’s sitting on my bookshelf.
Listening to: Yaeji and Oh Hyuk’s EP: 29 and Year after Year. It’s really such a jam. Really enjoying Yaeji’s rapping and vocals though, it’s very chill, and her phrasing is very interesting. Silk Sonic just released a new track too, and that’s really quite dope too. Anderson Paak and Bruno Mars is a really nice collab group. Such is the theme for this week’s music update I guess.
Things I’ve been doing: Sashiko (Repairing embroidery) and Running. The sashiko thing has been on my mind since Kenjima (on YouTube) showed the embroidered Levi Jackets, and also the sashiko jeans. Such a nice vibe.
Been running again because Clarice had started running, and asked me to train her. She got a really nice pair of running shoes, and I’m really stoked to train her in running. It means that I’m running 5 days out of the week too, but that’s good for me. I get some exercise, and I’ve been feeling a lot more positive in life.
I do want to get back to daily blogging, because I think there was a space for that in my life. But I’m not sure which part of the day I want to try that on again, and I’m not sure if I can keep to it. But I’ll work on these weekly ones first and we’ll see how things go from there.
Making a new routine is legit tough work. The night before, I wrote out this really long line by line time table of the things I needed to go through, and man, it really was quite detailed. But I think after the first part of the day, I couldn’t really keep to it. I’ll do a debrief for myself later, and hopefully tomorrow I can do a nice work time table again.
As much as I really like to make the new routines and timetables, I really feel like I need a larger sense of freedom in the first place. I stand by what Jocko Willink preaches: Discipline Equals Freedom. That space that I can hold tight for each purpose gives me a larger sense of freedom that I can’t find if nothing is defined. It’s not cool when I can’t do something when I want to, because there’s no time limitations on it. If I put time limitations on, at least that way I know that I can dedicate 100% of my efforts for that time specifically.
In any case, one day of routine at a time. And as a daily blog will be good for me.
2 days of not blogging makes me think harder about what I want to blog when I blog. I don’t know if it should be as daily logging, or just a place to put my thoughts. Personally, I think it might need to be something like a mix of both. But the journal aspect of it is what would make these posts stand out better for myself. Like a clearer stamp in time.
Also, I’m thinking about how to approach when I blog. Should it be at a time when it’s comfortable for me? Or should I schedule a time in the day everyday to write? I know there are benefits to both, and at the same time, I really feel like if this is for me, then maybe I should do a schedule. Something consistent to keep my brain space somewhere.
Maybe I should even go back to waking up at 6 or 7 and getting work done at that time. It’s really hard, but I do know that my waking hours are the best used then. I looked forward to it then, but at the end of the day, it’s hard to keep to when the night meetings go long, or when I sleep late.
I gotta see what would work out eventually. Tough call, needs some determination.
Slightly related, is that I’m thinking of whether this should be well planned content, something like what I drank/ate/did today, and then from there everyday has a consistent look to things. Either that, or to do a check in of sorts at the start of the blog, and to re-use that template.
This also leads to YouTube, and what kind of content I like, versus what kind of content I can produce. A part of me wants to try talking to the camera and explaining things out, but another part of me also wants to try a full story board, and making a real movie/video. That would be a crazy way to think about it, and to make the whole scene happen. I think it’s worth a shot for me to try both, and I can try sooner than later.
Straight up one of my favourite switches I’ve ever bought, and one of my favourite switches that I can go to at almost any day and find myself really happy with whatever I’m typing with. It’s a switch that gets a great sound from it, and paired with any board, no matter how stiff or bouncy, I get really giddy with joy typing with it.
Produced by ThicThock, the Marshmallow switch is exactly what it’s name suggests, its supposed to feel like you’re typing on marshmallows. That means that it’s kinda soft as you press down, but yet some what of a cushioning appears. This comes simply from the Progressive springs that ThicThock produces themselves.
Their spring title is equally impressive, the Magically Progressive 68G springs. The 68G stands for 68grams of weight that is needed to bottom out the spring – bottom out meaning to completely compress the spring down. Usually there are two numbers, the actuation weight – the weight in which the mechanical switch leaf makes contact and actuates a keystroke or keypress; and the other number, which is the bottom out weight.
Most of the time, these weights mean nothing until you start experimenting. If you notice that you accidentally press letters too much, it means that you probably are having switches that are too light for your preference. If you type in a way that you get tired of quite fast, then your switches might be too heavy for you. These things will only be known after testing, or trying out a range of boards.
In any case, the Marshmallows are slightly on the heavy half of spring weights. The middle ground stands at about 62-64G of weight, and there are a number of switches within this weight range.
There are other kinds of switches that one could experiment with, and these switches fall into the range called Linears, meaning it goes straight down without a tactile bump. Tactile bumps within a keypress give you a Tactile Switch, which means you are usually feeling the actuation close by. The last one is a clicky switch, meaning there is a mechanism that gives an immediate feedback when a switch is activated. This comes in two main parts: click jackets, or click bars.
These are all Cherry MX Style switches of course, and maybe tomorrow or on another day when I’m rushing for a post, I’ll write about this in greater detail.
Anyway, I typed this whole post on my Marshmallow switches. And they will probably stay in this board for a much longer time that they had before.
I’ve been in a seriously hardcore denim phase for the past few weeks. I think it started from the denim jacket that came during my birthday, and since then I’ve been wearing my raws like almost every day. Its pretty intense.
Here’s a quick breakdown of what I have, and what I am enjoying.
I had bought this pair in 2016, and Momotaro was a brand that just looked so badass. They have their “Going to Battle” stripes that are so bold and just really look so cool. At the same time, I know that anything silkscreened on the butt pockets will definitely fade uniquely. So I put my money down on that pair, and was broke for a bit. Met Clarice soon after and didn’t buy another pair of raws until our honeymoon.
I washed them for the first time in Tasmania about a year later, and then I washed them 2-3 more times. I think twice in Bukit Batok, but once in Jalan Minyak, where I’m staying at now. (4 Washes in 5 years)
These are Slim Straight Jeans, and I got them in 32in. They took some time to wear in, and they were really pretty thick for someone who never wore raws before.
2. Momotaro 0201TN
I got this pair on my honeymoon in Kyoto, at the Momotaro Kyoto Store. I was actually wearing the 10th Anniversary pair there, to which the store salesperson said that I should wear them out a lot more. I told him I was wearing the Jeans once a week, on Sundays. He said, more more.
Anyway, I got myself a very similar looking pair, and I washed them once so far. I wore them to school a bunch of times, but currently I’m wearing them every other day or daily during this time. (1 Wash in 2 Years)
These are also Slim Straight, but I think the leg opening tapers a bit more. They’re pretty fun to wear on an every day basis, as they’re not as baggy looking as the Anniversary pair. I also cuffed them higher, so they’re showing off my ankles a bit.
I actually also have a bunch of Uniqlo’s that are dark washes, but only one that is definitely a raw or just one wash. But for the sake of keeping things sane, I’m not putting that one here.
3. Momotaro Type 2 GTB Jacket
This is the most recent one, that I keep wearing all the time now. It’s awesome, I love it. No washes, it’s just being worn as much as possible, as often as I can. I’m actually keeping a tally of the wears I’m getting in, so hopefully I can track these things as objectively as possible.
Maybe one day, there will be no such thing as hunger on the earth.
Maybe one day, where there is only great keyboards to use.
One day, the weather would be great, cooling enough and yet not too hot.
One day, and donuts won’t add to your calories.
Maybe someday, but not today.
Days like today, I just feel so rotten and upset with the world. It’s not like anyone did anything bad to me, but just reflecting on the worst situations that people are placed in. Humans being really mean to other humans, or animals. Just utter mistreatment, and just not good things done well.
Then there are other days when the world decides to poop on you, and just everything goes wrong. Coffee spills on you, you stain your raw denim, your keycaps fly off and you can’t seem to find them again. Maybe your shoes are slightly damp because you left them out in the rain a bit.
And then you just hope for a better day some day. Like me right now. Just hoping things would be better tomorrow.
All things considered, I’m getting to blog in a very nice cool day, and it’s been a day of great denim wear, and I got to talk to my friends. I think it’s a great day actually. But what a hard day to start with today. I’m glad it’s over.
I hope tomorrow goes well. Praying to God that it does.
Whenever I have a meeting, or start a discussion of some sort, there’s always that question of what the point of the meeting is. Or maybe what do we hope to get out of it, after the meeting. After some time, one of the most ironic things that I’ve realised, is that the meetings with an aim that is too clear usually has someone directing the meeting specifically. On a rare occasion does that meeting leader actually utilise the meeting for it’s proper purpose: to meet with others.
It doesn’t mean that meetings are useless, but sometimes the over directed aim becomes over bearing. A meeting would be one where everyone gives their views and contributes to that sense of where the group is planning to go towards. But a Briefing, on the other hand, is one that is planned already, and everyone is briefed on what to do instead.
I think for the sake of my sanity, and for a lot of others, we should call more meetings briefings. Especially when the leaders of the meetings have already planned everything. If not, sometimes I really come into a meeting with ideas, and plans, only to be told that the plans were already decided.
I wonder why I’m explaining meetings on my blog, but I guess it’s something that I’m constantly going through. Maybe one day I’ll be able to write a nice book about how to handle yourself through meetings. It would most probably include how to have multiple tabs on for shopping websites. Buying things during meetings means that when the meeting ends, you have a present for yourself for sitting through the meeting. What a good reward. Sitting still for the past three hours truly deserves some level of reward.
In a side note, and specific to today: I have a couple of Work With Me videos on my YouTube now. So if you wanna try working with a nice keyboard typing nearby you, hit up my YouTube.
Also, this might be one of my most boring posts ever. Talking about meetings, what a bore.
Talk about worse things in the world to happen. Just as I was starting to write this post, I spilled all my freshly made ice coffee all over me. If there’s any clearer a sign for being under personal pressure, I think it would have a director yelling “Action!”, as the coffee was about to spill.
Why does this exist though? Why does personal pressure exist, even though we could be absolutely lazy if we chose to be? I think that in itself becomes a conundrum of sorts. Why would we be pressuring ourselves if we don’t actually want to do things at all?
And I think that’s really where we have a disjoint between what we like to do, versus what we actually do. That makes everything very troublesome, and honestly, there are a lot of improvements we could make on our own selves. If we make this a smooth flow, what we want to do, and we do what we want to do, then we actually would enjoy ourselves a lot more. I feel that the pressure we feel is when we want to do something, but we don’t actually do it. That makes us uncomfortable, and we end up feeling really pressured by ourselves.
I think that if I do the things that I want to do, and actually get it done, the pressure really lifts off. And as my coffee as told me today, there’s a lot more that I wish I could be doing that I’m not doing. That’s some real pressure build up.
Learning point: I really need to get things done today.
Why do I do these things to myself? I just wrote a (fake) 10 things to do to survive hot Singapore, and yet the next morning when I wake up I make a hot cup of coffee. The amount of sweat that I keep giving out is intense, and I really just can’t deal with this.
There’s also this thought that having a warm drink on a warm day will make the hot weather feel cooler. But honestly, it really doesn’t. I feel myself getting sweaty, just pouring out sweat from all my pores. I just keep showering most of the time, and it’s making me feel too damp most of the time.
Quick review of Blue Bottle Bold Coffee beans: I rate it 3/5 Coffee beans. It’s strong especially on pour over, that I normally do it on. It reminds me of the Starbucks and Coffee bean brewed coffee kinda flavours. It’s not horrible, but its not great either. Meh. Maybe it’ll taste better on Aeropress. Better and more detailed review soon.
Is it because the familiar taste of hot coffee overpowers the heat sensors within the body? Or maybe it’s because the idea of routine and what makes up the routine is more important the actual heat that I face through the process of the routine.
It also asks the question of the routine: was the routine meant for the person, or the person for the routine? I think it’s a big question that demands a flexible change for when you need to do something. At some point, the decision of why you had planned something in the first place might have changed. So a new routine needs to be made, to match the current time’s needs.
One of the key things that I’ll need to adjust for in my routines is to deal with the current heat wave, and I think having time to cool down daily is a good thing to plan for. I’m trying to figure out a cool drink or a cooling posture to have. Maybe sitting down in front of somewhere, or just in a cooling place in the home.
I’ll update back about this soon, I hope, if I don’t forget.
1. Decide if you want to deal with it or not. (You could just complain about it and not do anything, that’s a real thing)
2. Constantly refresh weather forecast apps, in hope of “rain”. Hope is extremely refreshing
3. Stay in the shade as much as you can. Even the shadow of a traffic light counts as shade. (Again, another real thing)
4. Stay under Air conditioning, by any means necessary.
5. Queue in line for half an hour, for Mr Coconut Milkshake. It is worth the wait, despite the sunburn you get while queuing.
6. Find some hot drama online, to make the actual heat seem cooling. What is 39 degrees celsius weather, when major local YouTube channels deal with whistleblowing? What is the point of worrying about sweat?
7. Thank Indonesia for the good weather, at least there’s no haze.
8. Convince the local governments that rain seeding is necessary during this time.
9. Wear as little clothing as possible, meaning stay in active wear all day long, no matter where you’re going. It is Lululemon after all, and you want people to know you got it 😉
10. Turn off your phone or computer that you’re reading or watching this on. It honestly creates some heat when it’s on. Stop it now.
These are the two learning points today. What are the limits and thresholds to what I am willing to go through as a human being, and the other is the credibility of myself as a human being.
After at certain point of going through some sort of difficult encounter, I need to ask myself, was it worth all this effort? If it was, then I find myself broadening my limits. If I find that it was not worth my effort, then I actually pull back my limits. I stop myself from going any where close to that previous line, because I found it so repelling (if I did).
That being said, I’m thinking of these thresholds because I’m honestly so sick and tired of the heat in Singapore. And I’m hitting another level of heat tolerances, because of that. It’s not by choice, but in a sense, I’m choosing to stay in Singapore. But because I have no immediate choice to change things now, I’m planning for things in the future. I’m remembering how hot I am feeling and I really want to get aircon for my entire house later.
That’s horrible because it plays against the environment and stuff, but honestly, I don’t know how to will myself to do anything when the weather is so hot. Maybe that’s why in South East Asia, there’s actually no need to do work and we can just chill and enjoy the great scenery that we have without worrying about freezing to death. It’s a great reason.
Who am I to say what I am saying? Do I need to prove myself in order to be heard or understood as a person? The actual answer that a lot of the philosophical world was moving towards was no: you don’t need to have experience to prove yourself. You just need to come to your logical reasoning and understanding.
That being said, the current postmodern world has reverted. And instead, we are usually share our points of view based on really relative personal experiences.
While that is not good, it’s also not entirely incorrect.
But I’m who I am saying what I am saying, because I have read, understood, thought through, and experienced the things that I am talking about.
In any case, I am not the horse back riding teacher who has never ridden the horse. I have ridden the horse, though not literally.
More thoughts tomorrow, I’m honestly really full and sleepy right now.
Still writing without my pinky. Honestly it’s really not that easy, because I do use my left pinky to hit a lot of the letters. I’m trying to make up for it by using my right pinky to type more instead.
Today is a pretty good day to try different things. Clarice and I have travelled to a particular Starbucks that we’ve always gone past but never really entered. We’ve seen in from the bus passing by, or just after a day out, we would chance upon it and say, hey we should really try this Starbucks out.
There’s something fun about going out to try something new, and at the same time, there’s something very comforting about staying at home to rest and laze in bed. Sometimes I feel like I wish both could happen at the same time, and that’s when a staycation happens. This is unique to this time of the world of course.
Maybe sometime soon I’ll post something from the corner of Paris. Maybe Italy. But most probably not, because I’d much rather go to a few other countries before I go towards Europe again.
Off days are for things like this, to muse randomly on plans that would most probably not happen that quickly.
I had no idea how much I really needed my pinky for, until yesterday and today, when I’ve sliced it. Strangely enough, I was watching a video from Reddit, where a guy makes a whole new hand for himself, after the insurance companies deemed that it was not essential for him to have fingers. Anyway, he made a whole hand, and today, I feel like I need that again. I would like to have my pinky back please.
That’s also where my mind is at right now. How do I consider the “weakest part” of my hands? Am I aware of what is affecting it, and do I do anything to help it get better in anyway?
In that same sense, where in the current scheme of the world, we care a lot for the under privileged, and we want to help the poor. But while we are doing all this, it feels like there are other parts of society that are breaking down in a big way. There are other things that have taken priority, and it feels like we should really take some time to rethink how we are doing what we are doing. We’re not really caring for the smallest, littlest guys around.
Which also means we need to take a reassessment of what the smallest and weakest things are right now.
Maybe that should be a zine that I should write about sometime soon.
I found out today that I have a fear of blood.
This is not something that I knew about before. Strangely enough, I sense fear when I see bullets or needles. But never before for blood, or at least not to my knowledge.
So what happened today was that I had sliced my finger at home, on a rusty broom that broke apart while I was using it. Then I placed a lot of pressure on it to stop it from bleeding, wrapped it up and went to the doctors to get it sorted out. At the docs, the doctor needed to unwrap the dressing I did, and clean the wound. As I watched him do this, I started to feel faint, and it took me a good moment or two before I said, I’m blacking out. The world was spinning, it was hard for me to breathe, I couldn’t hear things, and my hands were unable to move. They were clenched, frozen. I couldn’t see anymore, and it was just so bad.
I heard the doctor asking me questions, and I thought I was answering them, but I realised that he wasn’t talking to me later. There were so many things that were just fading in and out, I couldn’t hear, there was no sense of time. It was so crazy.
Anyway, so I have no emotional registered sense of fear. But my body rejects it, or even my mind I guess. I’m still feeling mad queasy, and it’s been a good two to three hours since that. Not cool, but at the same time, I think that it’s really good to learn this about myself.
I’ll share more stories of my blood fears later, especially in reflecting of this fear with the past experiences passing out. lol.
Sometimes there’s this weird lie I tell myself: “You are very busy this week.” I’m actually not really that busy, but with a weird scale of things to do, it does feel that way. By weird scale of things to do, I mean tasks that are not clearly time defined, and might spill over into different time periods that were not allocated. So it actually feels busier than it is supposed to.
That being said, it’s not as if I’m unable to do things fast enough. My competency is not in question. I am able to finish things, and am able to make firm quick decisions on others. But without the proper calendaring, it really feels as if everything will spill over.
Thus, the false sense of urgency appears. I rush to sit at my desk, and get very thrown around with multiple random tasks. I could have inched my way closer to passing my major tasks, but I get distracted, thinking the more urgent, but less critical ones are the ones that I need to clear.
It’s a false sense of urgency also because many of the things are actually not as urgent as my mind makes them out to be. I just tell myself that these are important, and it’s a great thing to clear before I hit my major tasks. It feels as if I am more productive, but on hindsight, my major tasks aren’t cleared, and I still feel as if there’s a lot to do.
These mental hurdles are really annoying, and honestly could be solved with a good planning session every morning, to get myself going for the day. But sometimes, like the past few weeks, it’s just been hard to get started. It’s something I want to get back to doing again, but man, it really is hard to get started.
I will start the planning now, as soon as this post goes up, and hopefully tomorrow will be a little more on track than today, and the days before.
I have some time literally set aside right now, to get things sorted out a bit. It’s great, that I can write, and that I have a good half hour or so, just to start things going. But it doesn’t really mean that I can type endlessly for a straight half hour.
I usually take a 5-10 minutes to write these things out. I don’t really spend too much time writing, because I could write for too long. Also I end up writing for a few too many topics at one time. That makes it really hard to understand what I’m trying to say. At least with this, you have some space to try and make sense of things for yourself, as you read these different posts. It’s the overcooked food idea, when the work gets over done, and it just becomes a whole bunch of misunderstood nonsense. That really makes things hard to understand.
But this idea that spending 10 minutes a day is difficult is actually something that works as a warning sign of sorts. It’s 10 minutes. Some YouTube videos are a good 20 minutes, and its just someone downloading their information to us. In 10 minutes, I am forced to think aloud, I would need to process information, and think through different things to make sense of it. 10 minutes is also time that could be spent having a good conversation, or sending a note to loved ones.
I always end up thinking how important time is for me, and this is really one of the key things that I hold true for myself as long as I can. Which also means I get quite frustrated when I don’t spend my 10 minutes wisely. It’s time I can’t get back. Of course, I shouldn’t waste even more time being upset about wasting 10 minutes. The irony of that action would lead to even more time wasted. Instead, I am now making it a productive point by writing about the pointlessness of it. It’s supposed to be a big brain move, and I actually think it’s quite funny.
In any case, this is my earlier post. I hope I get back to writing these in the morning. I do enjoy them being earlier, because I do get a better sense of the day after that. Also it’s a lot more relaxing, instead of rushing around for last minute requests.
Have a good weekend!
missed today.
I had carried out this huge back of things again, but unfortunately, I actually did not have time to type much today.
It was a super hot day, and the heat made my head hurt.
Topping it off with little sleep last night.
Good night, World. A longer post awaits you tomorrow.
There are too many times when I take out a huge bag of stuff, thinking that I would use all of it. I’ve got an iPad, one keyboard, two diaries, a denim jacket, two types of earphones, my pencil cases, a sketchbook. You’d think I’ll be out for the day, but I’ve just got two hours on my own.
The worst part of this was my frustration at a place to sit down and write at. I really wanted my peace and quiet, but literally everyone is filled with people who don’t understand personal space. Either that or they don’t know how to queue in line at food queues.
But really, should I allow someone who doesn’t understand how to queue to upset me? There’s really no need to waste emotion or energy on someone who cannot read the the floor instructions, or to pay attention to instructions. Literally arrows and lines on the floor, but unable to see or understand it. I mean, should I really waste my physical breath on people like that.
That being said, I don’t read the word “Pull” on doors often enough.
Musical Interlude: 4 – Aphex Twin
I enjoy the Stoic approach, of not wasting time and breath on people who don’t deserve it. But at the same time, when you’re in the middle of it, it’s really hard to pull back, and to remember not to allow yours emotions to fly. I do prefer the Christian point of view, where you understand your emotion, and try to work around it. Like understand that there’s nothing to really worry about, or to be pressured about.
It’s really easy to say these things by the way, but it’s really hard to live that way. I enjoy the idealism behind Christianity, that’s definitely why I’ve stuck with it for so long. But sometimes, it’s really tragic when other Christians don’t feel the same way. Then they take very practical shortcuts to take away the idealism of Christianity. That really sucks, and that annoys me a ton.
I just wished that we all lived according to what we say we would live by. I really don’t like the half way truths of things. It does not work out for anyone, and especially not for me.
I’ve been writing these in the afternoon or evenings, and it feels a bit weird. I do prefer writing these blog posts in the mornings, it really feels good to have some thoughts like these out nicely in the morning. It also feels better to know that I’ve cleared some daily to-do’s that I personally want to cover. It’s really not fun when the whole day is just things for other people.
Today’s been a pretty good day so far, I had skate time in the morning, and a great catch up brunch. Then I came back and basically cooked until two, finished up some work, and then finished watching Hell’s Kitchen Season 20. I love days like this, where I can get things done, and still have time to chill a bit.
Adjusting time for myself, and time to do things for other people is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to balance. I think that one of the key things that I struggle with the most is how much time I should allow for myself. I’m not good with gauging that, or at least thinking that I should give myself the excuse to not be on 100% all the time. It’s not the best way to think, but I don’t know why we would say we are 100% committed to something, if we were not going to spend our 100% of time on something. It’s taking the phrase literally, but what other way could I place it? If I agree with something, I really mean that I do.
But now, growing up more and more, I find out that I need to really set some time to breath. I had no idea how important that is, and I realized that I used to have really bad crash periods. I thought I had understood myself well enough, and catered enough time, but in the past year, I really see that I need more breaks than these. It’s not right, and it’s not beneficial in the long run for my mental health and my long term well being. It’s just not being nice to the future me.
In any case, I’ve had 4 coffees already today, but I honestly feel like I could use another 2, more because I really like the taste of coffee right now. But we’ll see how this evening goes, I still have a dinner to host!
I think if I define my blog into different areas, and start to build specifically on some topics, it’ll become one of those really typical self help blogs that I honestly don’t always agree with. But I can’t help myself, I really do think about these topics, and they do mean a lot to me. Especially today.
One of my buddies growing up just won the world’s best restaurant. I’m honestly happy for him inside, but at the same time, parts of me are just wondering why I’m not there with him in some way. Why I’m not there with him at the top of the world. That’s something I really struggle with internally. Why is it that some of my friends, or peers of my age group are able to hit the top? And instead, I’m a few far steps behind.
It spirals into a blame game of sorts as well; why didn’t this teacher or that give us an opportunity to do better? Why didn’t my parents let me go overseas? The list really grows. The worst part of this is the lack of effort on my part to actually take ownership of the current state of events, and to blame everyone else for what is happening now. The pure nurture argument can really say that everyone else is the reason why you’re not standing there at the top.
But in the same way, if it flips and you are at the top, the success you hold isn’t your own, and its everyone’s effort that led you there. And that’s something that people don’t want to accept as well. I don’t know if I accept it for sure, because I think I had to go against the odds. Or at least that would be the story I tell myself.
So it’s not about how everyone else helped, or didn’t help you get there. It’s about the game that we’re all playing. Unfortunately, “the world’s best” is something that we all get fooled into. Even the word “best” or “top” is something of a lie. How long does that stay on top for? Is there a need for it to be that way? I struggle with these terms.
I definitely think that the people we are with will make us think this way. The teams that I am working with now are struggling with these terms in their own way, and they are finding their path on what success is determined by. But then again, this adds that people are to blame. So there’s definitely a thought process to why this happens the way it does. I think people contribute to how much I can grow, but I can’t blame people for my lack of efforts to try harder and to get past the groups that don’t help.
At the same time, I am quite willing to not play in the same game that everyone is playing with. Changing the game from the top or the best, to something that either I can win at, or that has no winning in the first place. I just want to enjoy the moment, without a sense of win or lose. That’s really the key to what I’m trying to think.
But for my friend, who’s now at the top, I wish you all the best. I really knew you could do it, all the way when we were fourteen. I wish I was around your life more, and I am happy for you. I hope you keep being the top, and that you keep changing the world with the food you make.
A small mosquito flew around the room. It sensed the heat of a human being, and flew around, and landed on the person. Phew, the person didn’t feel the needle piercing through his skin. The mosquito got a bit of a blood snack, and with a slightly bloated belly, flew towards a ledge within the room. As it was landing, it felt the close shave of the human’s hand swiping by it. Literally, the swipe took out one of it legs. Good thing the mosquito had another five more legs to land with. The flight was a little wobbly, readjusting from the loss of a leg and… CLAP. There was no more mosquito, but just a splat of blood.
I’m getting bitten by mosquitos way too often at home now.
And I almost didn’t post! It’s been a whirlwind of a day today. I really feel it.
I’m writing in bed, because I decided to bring the iPad in bed, and just writing away on the HHKB because I miss typing on this thing. Every now and then I forget where my fingers are supposed to go to when I’m typing, and my right thumb gets really sore. Apparently you’re supposed to press your space bar with your left hand rather than your right. And also Y is pressed with the right hand, not the left. Just some side notes about typing techniques.
Long days like this can really mess up routines sometimes. Especially month long routines like writing in the morning. I did well most of the month plus, and today is just later a bit. But it’s a close shave. I really feel the edge of the day coming close.
I guess that’s my learning point for you to know today. When you come close to almost losing a daily streak in blogging, you just gotta write something nonsensical to close the day. At least something’s up right?
I don’t know. Honestly, I’m just happy to type right now. That’s good enough for me.
Talking about things that age well, keyboards fall into this range too. Most keyboards get smoother over time, as you use them more and more. But some others, like the one I am typing on right now, is just really old, and some of the keys don’t register the same as the others.
Like the Letter “O“ in this case, needs a bit of a hard press, if not a very specific angle that it takes the action of pressing a bit better. That being said, the keyboard is from 1999, and the fact that it even works is a pretty rad thing.
But therein lies the irony of these hobbies that I like. Things that age well, but I buy brand new. There’s a part of me that really likes to make a mark for myself, to own it. I think there’s a part like that for everyone, but some feel it a lot more than others.
I remember growing up, and how a lot of my stuff would have a sticker of mine. Not that I would label every single thing, I’ve seen friends who did that. But I would still mark it out in my own way. I think it was mark making, and that became in some ways how I viewed graphic design and the arts.
But that’s also still consumption, when I buy something new that ages well. The fact that it ages well doesn’t change the point that I still needed to buy it. It might be actually worse, cause it can’t be simply discarded.
At the end of the day, I just need to really watch my purchases, and to be happy with what I have. Why shouldn’t I, especially when everything that I’ve gotten so far are really special things that make me really excited and happy to see?
A lot of the hobbies I have are hobbies that get better with age. The items might be new, but a lot of them would work better when worn in, when weathered out and tested over time and time.
One of these things is the somewhat silly addiction to Raw Denim. I really enjoy raw denim, and recently, I received a very nice raw denim jacket on my birthday. While this was really fun to get, the fresh denim is really something else to deal with again. At the start, it’s super stiff, due to a range of reasons. It takes a good month or two of consistent daily wear to really break in jeans. Speaking from experience, I have two pairs of raw jeans from Momotaro, the same brand of my jacket — and one of them is worn in by 5 years, and the other by 2. These two jeans are on top of the other jeans that I already have, and the other pants that I have as well. So these all take ages to wear in, and I feel like it’s taking forever to get the cool fades that raw denim provides.
I actually track how much time I put into my jacket wearing. My neediness on data and all has grown over the years, and I’ve learnt different skills on how to track things like this. I used to track my coffee cups per day as well, but I think it’s just a bit too much…
There was another guy who had gotten a denim jacket the same day that I had, but he was aiming to wear 32 hours of denim wear per week. This might sound easy, like just wearing it for a whole day and a half, but actually getting it on and keeping it on is difficult. Especially with the heat in Singapore, it really makes it tough.
Anyway, I think I got in about 2 hours with it today, and looking forward to hitting 3 haha. Wish me luck.
It sounds like a great idea. There’s thermal insulation, and theres a drawstring at the top, and then with all of that, you still have wheels that helps to roll up step by step. But the biggest question is where are you going to keep it? Or how? It’s big, and it doesn’t fold up, and its just a mess.
Every few months, I’ll rearrange the house, and we’ll try to find ways to keep it. But its just such a hard thing to hide away. And there’s no other use for it than for grocery carrying.
Note to self (and Clarice): Never buy grocery bag with wheels ever again.
There’s times when I’m really quite disciplined to get things done consistently through the day or week. And there are times when I just don’t feel like doing anything for another range of time. I think I mask this quite well by being competent at most things, but otherwise, it’s actually really quite a bummer.
I wish that I was able to keep on at things all the time. The inner Jocko Willink in me says “Just do, don’t think.“ That works out, sometimes. Actually it works out a lot more often than I would like to admit. It’s just a pain to be an asshole to yourself, as you do the work that you need to do, day after day. There are definitely times when you want to just take a break and call it a day. Or just to have an off day. Jocko’s premise is that the enemy might always strike, but honestly I don’t have an enemy that I need to strike at this time.
Another part of me lies with the Artist’s and their impulsive driven creativity. I don’t necessarily agree with this, but I agree with the expressions in the Artist Way. Julia Cameron says “Don’t be too hard on yourself, and just accept all the work you produce.“ That works out for me, but there are days when I really don’t like the work that I do either. I just don’t want to do work, I just want to lie down and look at the world passing me by
I guess it would be wise to observe that a part of me now really enjoys that. I have learnt from Clarice some of the arts of lying down to just pause and not do anything. It is incredibly difficult for me, but I am trying to develop space for myself to just observe the world around me. It’s weird because there’s always the do, do, do. But there’s an aspect of doing that’s just to sit there and stop, and pause, and appreciate the moment.
I’m thinking about painting again, but I’m honestly scared. Scared that I can’t make sense of my drawings, or that the liberal part of me would accept any nonsense I produce. In that fear, I run to keyboards again, I run to YouTube and Netflix and Disneyplus. I just haven’t dared to paint. But I know I need to, I just need to get it done.
I’ll aim to do it this weekend, but God help me. I really need some deep internal motivation, that really hasn’t been around for the longest time.
Or in my case, does the keycaps come first, or is it the keyboard?
I’m legit stuck on which keycaps I should get, and honestly I wish there were other ways around it. I don’t want to get any more keyboards because I’ve already got a ton. But some of the keycap options are just so much cheaper because of the keyboard that comes with it. It’s kinda annoying, and I wish there were other ways to work around these things, but unfortunately for this keyboard hobby, it’s really not that simple to work around.
I have some time to decide, but its not like there’s a real rush for it in the first place. Only the thought that if I don’t get this sorted now, its going to cost a lot more in a few more months. Or weeks.
At least I’m staying far away from getting in debt again. I’m keeping everything in the black, and it’s really working out quite well.
Or maybe I should get my IPPT done again and get some money there. And get fit too.
In any case, the egg came first, in my opinion. lol.
If you didn’t realise by now, there’s actually tweaked paragraph spacing between the paragraphs in this site’s reading. It’s because I was going through it the other day, and I saw how close everything was and I really didn’t like it. It was too tight, and I know too much about typography to leave it be.
Which brings me to my key point for today: It still surprises me how much I remember things from my youth. I had learnt how to do HTML coding when I was in primary school, and it kinda stuck with me through the years. It’s a skill that I never knew was going to be so important, but it helped me in my understanding of design programs, and learning logic flows.
There are other things that I still do often now, that I had learnt from my younger days. Things like learning how to take things apart and put them together. I’m a lot stronger now, and I’ve also understood more things, so I’m definitely better than how I used to be, but there’s still a lot that I know I’m recalling from my youth.
Because of these things, I’ll definitely encourage my children in the future to learn as much as they can growing up. They might not be great at it straightaway, but some of the basics can be improved on as they get older. Kids just need a chance to try something, and that can give them a shot in picking up things that will stick with them for life.
How does one approach personal growth and understanding? One of the hardest things that any artist actually has to do is finding their own style and their own feel. The artists have to deal with this as part of their occupational stand, they have to express themselves in the most personal way possible. But it’s something that we all have to deal with actually.
How do you know what is you, and what is not you? We’ve got different influences, but we have to navigate how much of the influence has become part of us.
For example, I’m born in Singapore, but I’ve been influenced by the British Colonial powers that once were. So because of that I express the best with English. Does that mean that I’m English? Not necessarily. But it’s become part of who I am. And that’s ok, it’s fine.
Hobbies add to this too, and currently with the keyboard things, I’m really part electrical engineer. I’m able to now see more electrical based things, like circuit boards, and the wiring and stuff like that. It doesn’t make me less of Joel, but I’m getting more level ups, and more skill equips.
But was it part of me already? Like was I this way before this? I think that I might not have gotten a chance to experiment with it before, but my inquisitive nature was always there. Now I just dare to take more things apart, and put more things back together.
So being myself would have led me down this path anyway. That’s an approach I currently take, “What else is part of who I am?” And I just keep adding on more to who I am instead.
This one is one of the oldest T-Shirts I have that is still in good state. It was one of the first few that I had gotten in that whole Threadless era of T-shirts. There was a shop I used to visit at Far East Plaza that sold other Threadless Tees, but by the time I had gotten this one, there were shipping deals coming from the US at a cheaper rate. The quality on this is still pretty legit, it hasn’t torn through, or busted out any of holes. It’s just faded. There’s even pictures of me wearing this when I was 15 or 16 years old.
These were one of the t-shirts I had gotten with my own money. That time of your age when you could save up and start choosing your own fashion entirely. It made me feel like I was really growing up, and I really wore my t-shirts with such pride. It stood for more than just the graphic, although this graphic was really quite a cool one.
There were gigs watched in this, movies, dates, classes, everything. It fits me just snug now, I mean I did grow a bit bigger. But it’s really reminiscent of a time that I don’t think exists in the same way anymore. A time when people were meeting other people, and making new friends at different places. That was really a coming of age.
Maybe I’ll write a book about that.
I’ve been following this app called Stoic, because my daily disciplines have been out of sync. This probably sounds really weird, considering I write a post up every day. But this post is the only thing that I’ve really been doing consistently. Prior to this, I was on a Notion template, to try and get life sorted out properly, but it just got really confusing. I enjoyed it for some time, but then I just got busy, or I just didn’t have time to maintain the way that I had initially envisioned that I would.
Anyway, the app has been going great, other than some writing prompts at times that I can’t really get a good handle on. Other than that, I’ll just keep trying to get a daily routine back again. It is Really quite tiring to keep on doing all this change, and hopefully the daily routine would get things back on track.
Just gotta keep trying.
There are days like today, where I just sit there and feel the heat pour over me. I just showered to get myself going, and to just feel a bit more fresh. But I just feel damp after. It just feels like the sun is covering me with a thick hot wet blanket, sucking away my energy.
It doesn’t help that I thought today would turn out a bit more chill, so I had made a hot cup of coffee instead of going for one of the cold teas that I had prepped from before.
Days like these are also days when I feel just fat, for some reason. I just feel as if I’m wearing a fat suit, and its just making me get even hotter. I feel frustrated with everyone and everything, and it just keeps on going. The heat, the irritation.
It feels like today would be a good day for burger and fries, and a nice cold milkshake. A nice vanilla milkshake, with chocolate chips or something. I think I know what I’m having for lunch, and at least I can look forward to that.
I’ve been watching a lot of Emma Chamberlain recently, just seeing what had made her so famous, and just understanding who she is as a person. She reminds me of Casey Neistat, and that era of vlogging. It’s actually one of the motivations for me to start writing here a lot more often, and a lot more personally. I don’t really want to appear on camera, and to have to do all the video editing after that, so I feel like this works out for me in a good way.
I don’t need my site to “take off” or to “go big”; to be honest, I don’t need my YouTube to do that either. I just want to be me, and I can be that right now. I don’t have to try, I don’t have to push things aside, I’m just enjoying my own little existence on the interwebs, and I exist as myself, without sponsors, without an audience, just being me.
I like this, and I hope whoever reads this will also appreciate who they are and be happy with their current state of life.
I had really bad sleep again last night. I was rudely awakened by the clock in the hall falling down and basically breaking into a few parts. It crashed, and I jolted awake, and basically looked at the mess that laid outside. Then I decided to just leave it and go back to sleep.
But going back to bed, my head just went through constant thoughts of past regrets, or just things that I haven’t thought about for the longest time. I thought through the times when I was 15 until 18, the amount of unnecessary stresses that I had placed myself through. Life could have been easier, but honestly, I just wanted to experience things in some of the worst ways possible.
I remember one of the worst nights I had, I was sitting at one of my ex girlfriend’s houses, we had broken up already but I just sat outside her house and cried and cried and cried. It was one of those, 2AM situations, finding myself there, because I had cabbed there, hoping for things to work out again. But they messed up in the first place because of how I wasn’t really a good boyfriend, and I just wasn’t really a nice person at that time. I remembered calling one of my close friends at that time and just crying on the phone, trying to get myself out of there and back home. Those nights really sucked, because I really think I had pushed so many people away by then.
Anyway, TLDR: last night, I revisited the other times when I was awake at 3AM, hoping to be asleep. I don’t like revisiting, because I don’t like who I was at that age.
That’s also why I make extra effort to be nice now, or at least I hope to. I think every day matters, and while it was a bad past, I can make some amends for the future. It’s a hurdle to hop over, but that’s part of what’s needed to move on for tomorrow.
I hate that sometimes though, I hate that hurdle. I wish there were other things in life to deal with, but I just have to deal with myself, and who I was.
This is what I’m looking forward to now: (or at least things like this)
Because, my home should be coming some time soon, and we really have to start planning how its gonna look like. My list of how the house looks is growing. At least something for me to really look forward to, along with my wife’s presence in the home with me. Clarice is a really lovely wife that I don’t deserve, super grateful for her. Super duper grateful.
Sun shines bright on me
No words, just light; no control
Eternal summer.
Nice to form a haiku every now and then, I wonder if these would be appreciated.
In other news, my neighbours next door have gotten COVID. A little shocked and surprised to say the least. I keep checking to see if I’ve gotten any close contact alerts, but it seems to be alright for now. Personally I’ve been praying for the aunty who contracted it, and I hope she is ok.
This is my jam for today, it’s got all the vibes that I’m feeling. Just oozy and goozy all over the place. There’s really some spell cast over us today, Clarice and I. I think it’s a mix of the sun, and it’s just a lazy day in the middle of the week. There’s work to do for sure yeah, but honestly, work from home allows lazy days like these to be appreciated.
Either that or both of us have COVID and are experiences the side effects of tiredness. I hope its just a lazy day.
Just in case! I thought it would be good to put some general guidelines and disclaimers to what I write about here.
All of these posts are my own. They’re my thoughts, they’re a blog I mean. I feel like sometimes we forget what a blog or what a vlog is. It’s not meant to be taken as fact, its just a rough idea, or a thought, or something about the passing day or time that we consider and decide to pen down. As much as it could be taken for reference later, it should be taken as creative reference. Meaning like referencing a Mona Lisa smile, or a Kafka-esque thought. More as an adjective rather than objective fact.
That’s how I perceive these posts, and I hope that you might do the same too.
Also, it’s super bright out right now, but there’s also a light drizzle. Crazy Singaporean weather. The drizzle and the sunlight makes the whole place light up, as if there’s smoke covering everything and its a bright smoke. Oh, no, wait. There IS smoke. A neighbour is burning a barrel drum of hell notes for their dead ancestors.
Yup. That’s life today.
I shall coin a new term, and I’m not going to research it right now. I thought just to put my idea out here straight away, and just to define what I think, and later I might read an article or two or three about what I’m talking about here.
Definition: Men, of different ages, but who experienced the Tech Bubble of the 90’s and early 00’s. Experienced either as a 1st hand participant: working for companies of the Tech bubble era, or as a 2nd hand observer: studying university and applying for jobs within that era.
I find that the Bubble boys, much like every other group of people labelled by their era, find themselves in a weird struggle today. Against the millennials that have risen up in their companies, or against the current flow of Gen Z’s, the daily demands of what life should be looks entirely different.
Success in itself is also lived differently. For example, I would think that the way a Bubble boy considers what a successful job would be one that allows the freedom to leave the job as and when, but at the same time, giving a great salary with great perks. Something like a win-win-win situation. I think of the Patrick Bateman of American Psycho and the Yuppie era. The Bubble boys are the same, hoping for these different perks. However, few are willing to leave the bubble and to venture into true jobless freedom. Many still hold fast to what they think they ought to keep to, to make their job appear legitimate to the previous generation stakeholders: the Baby Boomers.
The Gen Z and Millennials (G&M), on the other hand, are so comfortable not doing anything, and truly willing to be fired for standing up for what they believe in. This creates risk for the Bubble boys, as they see their next generations floating away from them bit by bit.
Thus arrives the flexible hours, and the extremely well stocked pantries and staff canteen in the major tech companies. Both Bubble boys and G&M’s like the same type of food, of course with the health nut and vegan options too. This becomes a point where the Bubble boys see as a possibility to have common ground, to share that life is indeed good, if you keep working for us.
But after that, the mindsets approaching issues are so different. Where the Bubble boy saw success with tech taking over the world, revenge of the Nerds and the like, the G&M’s saw success as having an enclave, a small group to belong to. The size might not matter as much as the deep quality of the friendships, the relationships that came with it. Authenticity as the main trade value. This was very difficult for both sides to process, and other products of similar thought came along the way.
I have a few more observations, but being a Millennial myself, I shall just end here because I have better things to do than to write more about the Bubble boys.
Just a side note: there are no Bubble girls, because the Bubble boys didn’t know how to play proper with girls. lulz. Reference: Gamergate.
Haruki Murakami did a long running column on Popeye Magazine, where he shared his stories behind his different t-shirts that he had. I thought I could do something similar, and maybe just to give myself a good time to say good bye to some of my things from my youth.
I had gotten this T-shirt when I was 16-17. Not my first Threadless T-shirt, but we’ll get to that one in due time. The graphic was based on the song, 99 Red Balloons by Nena. At that time, the song was also still in my head from the movie, The Wedding Singer. There was an opening portion introducing the character Julia (Drew Barrymore), and she was listening to that song on headphones.
I remember wearing this t-shirt so many times at one point, and always remembering the song as I put it on. The song itself is a real ear worm, and it just stuck in my head. I had ordered this when I was already studying Graphic Design in Temasek Design School / Temasek Polytechnic. The song was really just a part of me that remembered my childhood watching the movie, and the bits of the song coming on. The movie itself came out when I was 9 or 10, and I remember watching it over and over again, because we had the VCD.
Another memory of this was when my mother had painted a glass bottle, inspired by this red balloons. She would also try to count to see if the designer did place 99 red balloons on the t-shirt graphic. It’s quite hard to explain, but I think memories like that make it hard for me to give or throw this t-shirt out.
Right now, Clarice wears this shirt more often than I do. Not that I don’t like it, but I guess it fits her vibe for a t-shirt to wear comfortably at home.
I always end up buying things, or I end up doing things in a certain way that I might not necessarily think is the most effective or efficient. That doesn’t mean that they’re bad, but the mind or the body reverts to something that they’re used to. I don’t think it’s always a fair statement to say that they’re bad habits, but I think that a lot of the time, its just how we make sense of the things that we do instead. Maybe, there’s just a simpler way to approach things, and perhaps that’s an ideal approach. Then we learn that approach but after some time, it fades, and we go back to what we’re familiar with.
The idea of getting better really comes from a Christian place, in my opinion. We have this idea of the hope of Christ, and the new creation that we become through our faith. But at the same time, we deal with the inner man and how he used to think and how he used to be. There’s a sense of freedom of that for sure. And then the ideal to work ahead for the new person, for a better, more heavenly kingdom mindset.
But this mindset might not necessarily be what the rest of society thinks or expects. Society in itself is unsure of what it ought to be many times, but currently, I would say that I would much rather assume the bible as truth, than to revert to my regular person, or towards what society deems as ideal. An ideal society would be the one that I read about, not my dreamy ideas of peace, or my humanly warped sense of justice.
And yet, these are things that I revert to sometimes…
I’ve been typing on my Topre board for the past few weeks, and every day its been on the HHKB or on the RealForce. The past few days, I’ve been staying at my parents place as well, so it was really just 100% on the HHKB.
But today, coming back, I am truly happy to be typing on one of my older keyboards that I haven’t touched in some time. It really feels so good, and my fingers are smiling back at my right now, as I’m typing away.
The video of this particular keyboard is going live tomorrow morning, so you can watch it then.
youtube.com/trisected if you haven’t already subscribed and followed.
It’s always a good reminder to have things in life that money can’t buy. Like family, friends, happiness or joy. Those are things worth having. Good memories, great dinners. Things that you couldn’t peg to a dollar value, and you can’t get immediately either. The dream or the movie family might sound unreal, but also kinda achievable if you’ve put in the effort right. It’s not really about replicating a movie scene, but more towards understanding your family and friends better. It’s not that everyone gets the best life experience from the start, but changes to try and get things right along the way help everyone as well.
Those are things that are worth trying to get, and at the same time, those are almost impossible to get without the right effort. Can’t trade things for them, but so many times, it’s just something that we wish we could have more chances to have the older we get.
It’s my birthday, and it’s been 32 years since.
There’s many ways to think about it, but one of the things I’m really most thankful for today and this time is really how much I’ve been seeing myself grow in the past few years. It’s been extremely reflective this past two years, and I’ve been learning many things about myself, and the things and events that have made me who I am today.
I’ve always thought of my current age as a comparison against all the other people who became famous at my current age. Like when I was in my twenties, I thought about how Taylor Swift was so famous and doing so many things. I thought about the Christian writer Joshua Harris and how he started out writing by then already. Of course, we wouldn’t necessarily say that life was so so much better for them, but I was still kinda envious.
I still think that now, and it’s one of the things that motivate me to keep on at what I do. I still think that I wish I had that world wide level of fame. I don’t say it much, but it’s something I do consider.
But in the past few years, I’ve understood a different kind of life set out for me. Maybe I might not be that famous person who has changed the world. I’ve seen that I’ve changed the lives of the people around me, in little bits, or in large parts. I’ve seen that I’m a friend, and that I’m not necessarily the star, but these aren’t bad parts at all. Maybe they’re actually the even bigger parts.
I don’t have to wish for fame anymore, because just being me, I’m kinda famous already. My friends all know me, and that’s fame enough. Might sound like a compromise, but I am truly happy for all the friends that I’ve gotten to know over my 32 years. Some longer than others, but I am thankful for all of them. They are the best people in the world, that fame will never understand. My friends are so directly important and precious to me, that I will really miss their presence if it were taken away.
So even though I still think about what world impact I could do and change, I still know that at the end of the day, I’ve already achieved that. I know that I have close friends that love and cherish me for all that I am. I am super thankful for that, and I’m glad I don’t have to think if they’re here for my money or my fame in itself, but they’re just here for me. That’s awesome.
I’ll be here for them too. Or there for them. I’ll be with them. Because I know that all of it matters, and it’s been really an amazing journey with all of them.
The most of all being Clarice, who has really changed me in the biggest ways. At 32, other than my parents, I don’t know anyone else more loving to me than she is.
Maybe one day this will be a speech, but a speech for my friends, who have stood by me all this time. They’re the best, and I really wish I had more time to write these things, but I’m off to spend more time with my family, and friends too.
What a life I’ve gotten to live. I am so thankful to God for carrying me through all this, and to all the friends He has given me. So so so so so thankful.
I remembered reading once or twice from friends that they would chance upon the blog every now and then, and then I thought to myself, maybe there should be more intentional learning points.
I didn’t really work on that, until yesterday, I thought about it again.
So here’s a learning point:
I mean this is common sense, but a lot of people lack it.
Most of the things we have bought or purchased, they’re not actually something we’re familiar with. Unless you’ve gotten it before. But even then, if you just assumed that you know how to use something without reading the manual, that’s a huge assumption.
Someone on the development team would have sat down and wrote the step by step instructions, covering every need you’d require with that tool. There was a reason for it being written, and it would not hurt you in any way to read it.
In fact, there are a lot of instructions around us most of the time, that tells you what to do and what not to do, and following that would result in optimal use.
But a lot of the time, we don’t read it, and it just ends up spoiling, or not working so well. Then it breaks down and then we get another thing.
So save us all some effort, and be appreciative of the guy who wrote the stuff down, and just read the manual, and don’t skip a step.
If you think about it, the only things that don’t have a manual are usually idiot proof things. So you could be an idiot and be happy with that, or you could just read the manual and not be an idiot.
I’m in constant dilemma in my life. I’m really enjoy watching videos about single bag trips, or a guy living out of a bag for years, or about minimalism and being able to live with nothing or very little things.
But at the same time, I really love having the things that I have, and I love the choices I have, for even things like keyboards and shoes and all that.
I can never decide, and I guess I’ll enjoy the thought of the minimalism, but I’ll just live happy with the much that I have.
The past week has been quite bad on my sleep for some reason. The weeks before I had pretty tough time trying to stay asleep; I would wake up to go pee in the middle of the night and just not be able to get back asleep. Now I can sleep pretty easy, but I just haven’t had good long quality sleep. It’s a mixture of late nights and early mornings that just play against each other. But last night’s sleep was great.
The bad sleep just makes the whole day sore a bit. It feels like nothing goes right after that. Today I woke up feeling completely fine though, and I didn’t feel as if my head was going to spin over. The past few mornings were tough, but this morning is great. I think it also helps that it rained in, and I had a nice cool start to the day.
I usually write these blog posts in the morning, and the next few days I’ll be staying at my parent’s place. It’ll be exciting especially because I have no idea how it’s gonna be like now, that I’m older. It’s been 2 years since I’ve gotten married and moved out. I think the next few days will be interesting, and I’ll have to find a new or nice spot to have these morning writings.
(Also I’ll definitely miss this keyboard, but the other one that I’ll be typing on will be great too. lol.)
Having a good meal on Sunday is something I really enjoy. I think I’ve had them growing up, and its become somewhat of a reminder of what Sundays are for me.
When I was younger, it was Spaghetti’s at Tanglin Mall that really made the day for me. It was a family lunch, and I would have a Fettuccine Carbonara, and finish the extremely creamy meal with Tiramisu. This gave way for a quick visit to the toilet, because of my lactose intolerance, but it was so worth it.
When I got older a bit more, it would be a meal with my church mates after Sunday School. We ate a heavily seasoned QQ noodle, most of the time adding extra noodles. It was a minced meat noodle with a lot of flavor.
While serving my National Service, the Sunday meals would be based on the time I had out of camp. Most of the time, I would return to camp stuffed with a good meal, mostly meats then.
Currently, with Clarice, we make things up as we go along. But today in specific, we had a really nice Bak Kut Teh meal at Song Fa. Clarice is Pescatarian, meaning the only meat she eats is fish. So she had a sliced fish meal, and I had the regular pork rib soup. Finished off with a nice aged Pu-Er Cha.
A good meal to remind me that it’s sunday, and I can rest. For a bit.
So the past week I’ve had really long posts. It’s actually really fun to type because I’m typing on keyboards that I really like. But that’s not always the point. Or maybe it shouldn’t be. Like maybe I should be writing about something because it needs to make a strong point, or it needs to educate. Do I want the world to know that I only like typing because of the typing experiences on the keyboards I have?
Maybe I do, and maybe that’s how I could be known. But I think the idea of how this will work is a bit more important.
There is definitely some lethargy to get started some days. Like what is the title of what I should even call this? But there are days when I’m just flying through, and everything is rushing to get out of me.
I try my best to manage this by being present, as I allow my brain to just write away. I try to just let my fingers enjoy the flow of the typing, and then for my ears to enjoy the sound of the typing. Then of course, there’s some flow state involved there, I think.
I might want to try writing fiction, but honestly, I think that I need so much more effort for that, and I’m trying to keep this one low, and easy to hit, so that I can write everyday. The quality might suffer, but the quantity is so high.
I guess I could try planning things out, and making it make sense properly. But once again, as I’ve said many times, I started this for me, and not for anyone else.
So you know, I could just record how much I like typing on this keyboard, because I really do. I hate that I have to leave in a sec to get work done, because my work does not involve typing on this keyboard. Or at least not the work that I have to do today. I will come back and type for sure, after the work is done.
Yesterday I had two occasions where I saw myself comforting strangers in two extremely different circumstances.
A man boarded the train that I was on, and stood near the doors, leaning on the side. When he boarded, there was a whiff of alcohol that came in with him, and after some time, it was clear that he was intoxicated on some level. This is during the bright 2PM afternoon that we have. I have no issue with drinking midday, but I think being drunk midday is another issue on its own. In any case, a drunk man on the afternoon train.
I was sitting in a row with no one next to me, because it was the afternoon train, no one was really out. So quite naturally, he moved slowly towards the seats next to me and decided to sit down.
This would normally have been alright, actually it was totally fine. I’ve definitely been the drunk guy on many nights in the train and towards my friends, and its cool to try to be sober as you aim yourself to seat your butt on the seat. He sat next to me in this manner, and proceeded to watch or listen to his shows on YouTube.
What happened after was slightly comical, he fell asleep a few times, dropping his phone into his bag. He was leaning forward, resting his elbows on his knees, hands holding, or not holding, his phone. This happened a few times, but what really was not comical, was that he started to drool.
How I knew he was drooling was because he took off his mask, wiped his drool, and then sneezed or breathed real heavy a few times, splattering spit all over the MRT floor. At that point, I felt greatly disturbed. Like really grossed out. Like what the hell man. But it was a drunk dude, and we don’t know what happened and why he’s drunk in the middle of the day, maybe it was a bad day or something. So I tried my best to reserve judgement, and to let him be, and just sleep it off.
But what continued on was that then he started to lean on me. To which I decided was a good time for me to indicate “okay, sure lean on me, but I will tap you because you are unmasked“ type of tap. I did this like three times, but I could not see his eyes actually registering that He even knew what was going on. This made me just really not want to sit there anymore. So that’s what I did, I stopped sitting there. I got up, got my bag, and walked out of the cabin at the next stop, and then I hopped into another cabin a few doors down.
The baby is a little more complicated. I have met the baby before, once actually, about 5 months ago. The crazy part is that the baby’s face changed over time, and that made for a very interesting situation. I knew the baby but at the same time, I really didn’t. That was just not what exactly I had in mind when coming to meet the baby for this second time.
So what happened was that I was really then given a chance to meet this baby anew. At the same time, the last time I saw the baby, he was just not in a time for me to hold him. He just cried away, and almost never stopped crying. That made for a very difficult first meet.
But this time, the baby wasn’t crying. His mom (my friend) and me, walked together from a stop light, and made our way over to the house, and we sat down together to look at the baby and just talk with the baby.
The baby lay flat on his tummy. This made for a very interesting looking scenario, and I decided that I will stroke the baby’s head, if that would be helpful. Honestly, I was thinking of my family’s dog that I just visited, and not that a baby is a dog in any case, just that my most recent form of care within that past few hours was my family’s dog. I just saw that coming together that way.
I stroked the baby’s head, slowly and really just gently, as much as I could. He was pretty chill about it, and then started to rest his feet on my arms, he was curled up like a little prawn, with his feet coming near to his face. At that point also, he was just drooling all over his shirt, and he had a little bib on that he just continuously chewed on. He also chewed on his shirt buttons, and just yanked them around.
I was resting my other hand on his tummy, to pat him, and his hands somehow caught a grasp of my hands. Then he pulled my hands towards his hands, and decided to start biting on my thumb. That was fine, I didn’t really mind that. But what was really strange was that he started to really chew on it. Like hard, with the back of his teeth. He went on like this for a good ten minutes, and then he decided to move on to my other fingers, one by one. I think he ate on my hand for a good half an hour or more.
His mom had to go take a phone call at some point, and he was just with me alone. He decided to break out in tears completely and just freak out. I just held him, as he cried, and just felt his helplessness, and just resonated with it.
Later, he needed to get distracted, as he was putting his tiny shirt on after his shower. I decided to try and give him my knuckle to chew on, and he grabbed it really quick, and just straight up chewed away.
Both incidents were pretty gross, and kinda disturbing. But the baby’s one was okay. But the man’s one was not okay. I would think that at some point, we actually hope and think that our men would grow up and not be babies. But the truth of it really is that both are in need of comfort.
If there was a hygienic way for me to have helped the man, I think I would really like to find out, and to just try. I would appreciate comfort like that any day, especially from the ones I love, but even from a stranger, that would be just fine.
Sometimes, it really doesn’t make sense if we think about the idea of choice. Do we really have it? Do you really have a choice to make the decisions that you do make? Or more precisely, is there really a choice?
For example, having options to choose between what foods to eat at a food court. You might not have every single choice in the world, in fact, you are limited by the food court and whatever they choose to provide for you. That in itself is a lack of choice, and we don’t really have a choice. We just have to eat whatever is provided.
One of the biggest choice questions is one of naming. We are given our name, much like how we are given the body that we have. We have no choice in these things, and we are just dealing with what we have.
I think the illusion of choice is what we have come to think that is enough for ourselves. More than that, maybe we assume this should be the norm for everything that we go through, when honestly maybe it really shouldn’t be the case. We have to realise at some point that we could pretend that we have choice, but what benefit would that bring?
So what is the actual choice that we have, when we do exercise our choosing actions? We choose between presented options, and sometimes we try to have other options that might or not might exist just yet. Perhaps you would like to have sushi at said food court, that does not serve sushi. Maybe the immediate choice of having sushi is not present, but the possibility of a future choice of sushi is there, through appropriate feedback channels. But perhaps the sushi shop being present is impossible because of the lack of temperature controls within the food court stand. That then proves that choice is indeed not present, and it is just impossible.
This is the same principle that goes for career choices and study, especially in Singapore. The basis for studying as hard as you can is to open up as many options as possible. The less academic ability you show, the less chances for you to receive a job or a career in your choice.
But at the same time, one must understand one’s own preferences beyond the simple idea of opening up one’s options. For example, should a person realise that he or she enjoys building and construction, and not the planning of blueprints, the route to actual construction work might not require that much academic study. It would be useful to have spare information, but at the same time, does it help the construction work itself? Should a construction worker understand biology, or have an in depth knowledge on literary arts? It would be interesting for his life, but perhaps not for his career. At this point, the unnecessary illusion of choice creates more distractions, instead of focusing one’s choice and ability.
While this might seem like a small example, it spreads further into other ideas that we might have. The international city is one that gives us a multitude of choices. But we are often plagued with the daily “What should we eat today?” which also becomes “Where should I work in next?” and later “How should we be thinking about these issues?” This development is one that triggers our mindsets, and then, much like the unnecessary addition of academics within a choice range, we are given distractions to our main goals.
So therefore, what is the choice of our mindset, or our philosophy? Is it happiness? Is it peace? That aim within our minds is our choice, or at least we hope it to be. The larger question also is, does one choose to be happy? Is that possible? Some strive for this, at the expense of other people’s happiness, but at the same time, at least their happiness is achieved. Is that worth it? Perhaps.
But at the end of the day, that one person’s happiness at the risk of others not being happy, is usually deemed as selfish, or dictator like even. There will be added stress and frustration, as one attempts to reach his or her own happiness, because of the others that are around. They would feel less happy, if the one pursuing happiness was pursuing it at their expense. The one with that happiness, upon reflection, might come to a conclusion that he or she is not actually happy with the current state of events, and thus losing his or her happiness that was so carefully sought after. That leaves no one happy at the end of the day.
Therefore, there is really no choice, even in mindset. We might hope and attempt for it, unless achieved in group or herd, there might be a possibility, but eventually, the individuals within the group might start to fray, and question their own sense of happiness, beyond the group. The illusion of choice is dark, and becomes a gluttonous hole of emotion and effort. It would be, therefore, easier, if one takes reference from another to form the idea of choices and options, for feeling, for thought, or even for food.
Maybe its yesterday’s long post on Steve Jobs that is making me think this, but I am currently thinking: Some of the world’s best ideas are just one thought away. It’s not that far. It’s just another step and we have to hit that step somehow.
Daily blogging mixed in with typing on a RealForce board has really become a sort of therapy for me. I really enjoy typing, and it’s something I should embrace properly. I can have fun with it, and I should. I feel as if my thoughts are stuck with how my keyboard life ought to be, and the need to do things a certain way just to be part of the keyboard community. But it’s definitely not true, and I look forward to these daily occasions to type away, and just feel the keyboard underneath my fingers.
Me being me, I keep looking at more and more options, which doesn’t really work out that well for my wallet. I keep looking more variations to test and play around on these things. It’s really quite an exciting process, expensive process.
Maybe one day, these thoughts would be that thought that helps to change things up. And just maybe, I could track that on one of these many keyboards that I have right now.
Steve Jobs who designed Apple for the current generation
Reviewing the Steve Jobs biography by Walter Isaacson.
Another draft post from 2017. I honestly had loaded up quite a few draft posts then, thinking that I was going to be blogging often and all that. If I’m right, it was because I had come back from a holiday trip and I was really in this motivated mood to keep creating. I really have these ups and downs in my creativity. It’s a little frustrating when it’s down, but it’s so tiring to keep when it’s actually on going.
Did Apple shape the world, or was Apple shaped by the world? Meaning was it a range of factors that led to Steve Jobs developing the company the way that we currently know it? Or was it this new way of thinking that Apple introduced into the mainstream?
The biography on Steve Jobs, written by Walter Isaacson covers a lot of interesting ground. I personally enjoyed the thought processes and how Isaacson had portrayed Jobs in the best and worst light. The influences from his childhood and teenage wandering years really showed that there was a huge possibility of how things could grow in the years to come. Perhaps it was the way that Isaacson had put it, an event causing something to change in Jobs, which led to more events, and more changes. The cause and effect of the world on Steve Jobs: disappointments, achievements and successes. The pure madness surrounding the man as well. It really spoke volumes, and I still remember large portions of the book, four years on.
Apple’s effect on how we see the world right now gives us a clear understanding that people do appreciate the appropriate amount of simplicity. There is such a thing as oversimplifying, within the engineering and design realms. And at the same time, there is a chance of it being over designed, where something is unnecessarily complicated. Both are areas to easily fall into, but the bare minimum that Apple gives is usually enough.
“Enough“ is a term that evaded a lot of computer hardware developers at that time, and even now. There’s always this statement I hear whenever comparing a Mac build to a PC build, “For the price of the Mac, I could build a PC with much greater specs.“ That statement is definitely true. But it holds some other assumptions: you need to build the PC yourself. That’s something a lot of people are not willing to get into, especially in a very simple consumer market. It’s the same reason people look at me funny when I build custom keyboards. Why do you want to put yourself through the hassle? So it’s not that I don’t understand the need for customizing, I am happy to pay the price for a Mac because at its build level, its enough for me. In fact, if Apple chases the top tier graphics and processing speeds, they end up chasing the wrong crowd. They’re here to make sure their computers provide you with just enough to get your YouTube career going, for you to play enough games within their Apple Ecosystem. The aim is not for overclocking your PC or to run a server, although both are possible with a bit of research.
To echo the sentiments stated in the biography, the home brew crowd that were building their own PCs then were so frustrated and upset with Apple for developing a system that could not have added integrations, and was a one piece self contained unit. That was the mantra from the beginning. Right to repair or not, Apple did not want you to touch their carefully engineered equipment that would fit snug right into the chassis of their choice. The freedom of choice you got from the beginning was to choose to buy Apple or not.
I found that the simplicity of design that Apple brings, gives reason for a lot of other companies to either simplify, or just go to the tech extremes. Recent phones and tech coming out have become a lot simpler, but without their own issues. The simplicity forgets that Apple designed with the consumer in mind, the person who might not have any idea how to do what they would want to do. That latent need that would be fulfilled through Apple alone. That’s how the simplicity works towards.
Some companies are getting it, because now it’s been a long time since Apple started. Working on the latent needs of a consumer could be put through AI, which is what Google is doing to us now. We have our data mined, and the computer gods give us our algorithm based decisions. That’s a good try, a nice attempt at trying to understand the human mind.
But at the end of it, Steve Jobs made his things because he wanted something like that himself. He himself was the consumer that he was trying to reach out to. From the onset, he was never the computer developer. He was the kid who was hyped about the computer things, and he enjoyed his life, somewhat. At the heart of it, if the companies do not want the items for themselves, and want it as the best product they could think of, it would not be easy to develop that latent need. It’s something that one really has to want. That’s something that either a lot of self reflection can get, or a lot of self dissonance will reveal.
Do we know what we want though? As the current generations who have had their latent needs fulfilled, are we sure we know what is going on? I, for one, have no idea what I would love to see, and I try my best to dig deep often to figure out. I have tried and I constantly dive into multiple new hobbies, only to come out broke and still unsure if that’s the right thing for the future.
But I still live as a consumer, thinking about what is nice and fancy. There are products that are just enough, like the Mac I’m typing this into, with the keyboards that I currently have. There are products that remain good enough, like my iPhone SE1 and 2. I might want the next few Apple products, but I still struggle to see the need to get a PC, other than for the games that I might want to play. Those aren’t needs, but they’re still at the back of my mind somewhere. Maybe one day, I would go towards a fully custom everything in life. Right now, I’ll enjoy my Apple Ecosystem.
It was good sleep for both Clarice and myself last night. We sang ourselves to sleep on a whole range of songs, and now we’re up and awake on a bright hot Sunday afternoon, listening to the songs that we were singing to last night.
It’s fun to just not have to care about anyone else, and just do what we feel like. A few of our friends who have babies can’t do this anymore. They’re in that job of being parents. Maybe they could go for dates, and spend time together when the kids are asleep. But they can’t just take a break whenever they want to. Or just sleep in just because. There’s always gonna be someone there to take care of, until the day they die.
I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet, to be really honest. More than that, I don’t know if I want to stop being carefree, and silly. I enjoy my time with Clarice tremendously. I also enjoy being able to spend money on keyboards, and other random ventures when I feel like it. It’s childish, self centered, but it’s quite fun.
Would I lose myself, when gaining another person into my life? So far, it’s not been the case, and I find myself growing more and more as a person. But for a child, I think a part of me dies, and another part is born and growing, as the child does too. I can’t tell yet, because I’m not there, but I’m thinking about it.
When that happens, I’ll find out. Both Clarice and I will find out, and we will need to grow together from there too.
But otherwise, I’ll just enjoy this Sunny Sunday with my love.
p.s. We had a ton of Tea and Biscuits for breakfast today for fun, so I might be awake most of tonight lol.
How do you get inspiration, and how does this propel you to do better work?
— — —
Wow so I wrote this post in 2017, July. I can’t remember what exactly I was aiming for, but this gist is something that I find so hard even now to think about. I mean like, how does one get inspiration? That is a fine and hard question.
I’m not sure how much of this makes sense, but I think each day has it’s moments. I’ve learnt how to be a lot more forgiving on myself, if I can’t produce something that I had hoped to initially. There’s really no forcing it.
I think it’s a range of learning as well. What am I looking for in the motivation, in the inspiration? I think when I first thought of this draft 5 years ago, I was probably being a lot more direct and immediate into art itself. But from how things are going now, and how things will continue to go: I think daily life needs motivations too.
I haven’t touched my art materials for a very long time. I don’t know if I can do much, or if anything at all. I’ll have to dust off a lot of mental inertia to get started again. Is there beauty? Yes. But the question now has become, what do I really need to capture? Is it worth me capturing? And somehow, the answer needs to be yes.
What is beauty at the end of the day? What am I really thinking about when I think of how to draw from the beauty of this world? Why did I think such hard questions then???
If i am asking myself that today, it goes back to how I see each day’s individual moments. There are a number of things that I’ve seen that are incredibly powerful everyday. It’s not easy, but it’s not difficult either. It needs me to stop, and to pause. I find trouble in doing that a lot of the time. The captured moments need a good time of reflecting on how things even got to where they are right now.
Maybe I should revisit this in 5 years, and my answers would change by then. Like the Billie Eilish interviews, I might grow to find myself annoying. Perhaps.
Time to get somewhat technical on all of you: I’ve just managed to switch my site to a “https://” page.
Every single month, I try to tweak the different parts of my site, to keep it lighter, to make sure that I have enough space for all my posts and whatever else. And then to update the security. I’ve tried a number of times to make sure that I get the secure connection. I want that lock icon at the left hand side of my menu bar to show LOCKED.
It should like this for you and me now, because it’s finally on HTTPS.
I dug through my website’s back end, I searched and renewed as many certificates as I could (within the free range of course lol), and all to no avail. I was so angry at the site, and at my own back end ability to manage a webspace. I even contemplated going to Square Space. Forgive me WordPress Overlords.
But today, I decided for some reason to click on that portion that says “You have 1 security issue to work on.” I’ve passed it many, many, many times, because I’ve always assumed: It’s gonna tell me that I need to add security on my site. But today I clicked it, and it resolved this super longstanding issue for me. It updated my security certificates, and FINALLY, finally, the site is locked.
So thank you WordPress, for making it that simple. I appreciate you, and I will continue blogging with you as much as I can. Daily, at best.
Let’s not talk about the audio, or how it sounds. Because even though I love Kanye, musically this album wasn’t anything ground breaking.
But the album stands for a few things. It definitely stands as a voice for those who need help, from their ethnic backgrounds and upbringing. It also stands for his remembrance for his mother, his loved ones, and who God is to him as well. These things are clearly just stated out right, with little imagination.
But that’s another thought process of what we would consider a lyrically strong album. I think Kanye knows what a lyrically deep song might looks like, he’s obviously done enough. But for some reason, repetition, and simplicity, is his current main message medium. Maybe it’s laziness, maybe it’s a refrain idea. There’s a lot of ideas of why and how he would choose these ways of speaking.
I’d like to reference Bieber’s Peaches – and how simple his approach was for most of the song. More than that, a number of artists are approaching that simple, short catchy chorus. It forms a earworm that just crawls through your internal melody for days. In that same way, until now, I still hear Kanye saying, “Junya Watanabe on my Wri!“ It’s not a super verse, but the way he did it, it’s really stuck on.
At the same time, this album goes for another Christian hit. He’s expressing his Christian faith all over again, and pulling his friends in to be part of it too. It’s really something to get so many artists in to say that they’re willing to speak up outright about their sin and their struggles in their lives. I think it takes effort, especially because of what this means for someone in America to associate with mainstream Christianity. I don’t think the cultural identity of it matches the intended theology, but it lies as a close tie to tradition and conservative politics.
]These associations for liberal artists that are known to not follow conservative notions are a step in another direction. A direction where we wouldn’t really be comfortable with as a whole. I find that its a struggle, myself included, to agree with the idea of a Christendom again. I think society has moved beyond that, and it polarizes more than unites. But at the same time, there is the idea that it could happen. I am slightly encouraged by that, and at the same time very wary of what that implicates as a whole too.
But at the end of the day, I think I could definitely chant along with the refrain “I’ll be honest, we all liars“. We all struggle with our faith, and our stands in one way or another. If we pretend that we’re all okay, and we’re not okay (see what I did there), it just becomes a hypocritical expression of what a Christian looks like.
I hope that Kanye finds someone to walk with him. Someone who’s willing to take the words that Jesus said and lives them out. Not someone hiding behind theology or tradition, but someone who just wants to live rightly before God, no matter the persecution. Even if it means that the Church itself doesn’t agree with it. I really hope God will send someone to him, to help Kanye live a life closer to God. If Johnny Cash could do it, so could Kanye.
I keep forgetting where I am on these daily updates. I forget what week I’m on, what day it is, and the list goes on. There are days when I forget when I’ve eaten, and when I’ve exercised. I forget when I’ve replied people, the meetings and other things that I’ve scheduled together.
Maybe it’s the cause of working from home. Maybe it’s this COVID situation and all the constant news that sounds so much the same every day. But I really can’t keep living my life this way.
I’ve been trying to take stock and get things aligned again. Discipline is really hard to come by. I have to keep on at it, and it’s really easy to just drop off. I’ve got daily planners, alarms, schedules, everything. But it’s just me who hasn’t gotten it down well.
One day and one habit at a time I guess. Slowly but surely huh.
There’s that time when all is calm, and then it rains suddenly. It’s the worst feeling in the world because you didn’t plan for it, and it gets you so badly soaked. And then after a few minutes, the rain lightens up, and you’re there, still soaked, but now in a humid mess of weather. The weather the past few days have been like that, and its really been a pain to travel around. Even right now, it’s just raining, heavier than a drizzle, but less than a thunderstorm. Perhaps this is the best definition for Showers.
Typing on this JIS keyboard, I realise that I don’t know where the double quotation marks are. That’s pretty funny.
The sudden rain is the worst because its like someone throwing a bucket of water at you. You don’t have a change of clothes, and you’re there, drenched and just not feeling it. You were unprepared for the worst case scenario: getting completely soaked in seconds.
That’s the same feeling when someone does some last minute change on my time, or on my plans. It’s the worst case scenario happening, and I was completely not ready for it. You can’t really blame anyone else, you just have to embrace it. Embrace the suck and just move on. I hate it. I guess I’m really just talking to myself through this, because honestly I think that’s how I’ve been getting myself to deal with the past year of having random things to do.
There are ways to enjoy the sudden rain, to make the suck less sucky. I found some peace doing keyboards, some enjoyment making friends, and getting to talk with people. But there are days when it just gets so tiring, and I’m just not sure what could help the situation. It’s those days when life gets to a tough point .
And now, the sudden rain has become a heavy shower, maybe even a thunderstorm. No one plans for these things. They happen, and the people getting completely soaked are now just drenched. Walking around with their wet socks, wet shoes, and wondering what will be of their life. I don’t think anyone thinks of how rich and happy they are, or their investment strategies, or their 10 year plans, when they are getting stuck in the rain. They’re just like every other human at that point: embracing the suck, or trying to get out of the rain as fast as they possibly can.
I’ve been wanting to sit down all day. More than that, I’ve been wanting to type on this particular keyboard that I’m currently typing one for the whole day too. It’s a big keyboard, a full sized one, with the number pad and all that. I’ve not typed on any of these for the longest time, and personally, I think that it’s really huge. To add to it, it’s a JIS layout, which swaps around a bunch of the keys that regular keyboards use. Normally I, as with most of us, would be on an ANSI board.
But today, tonight, I’m typing on a board that’s a few years old, and it’s also got some really nice clacks to it, as I’m typing. It’s Topre, a rubber dome electrocapacitive switch. It’s also got no OS Key, which makes me type in the strangest way. I am really used to having my Mac Command Key, but I’m just mouse clicking my copy and paste, and things like that.
In any case, I’m still having fun typing on this. It’s quite fun, but not as fun as the HHKB. Maybe because of the layout, without the command key? Maybe because of the JIS and all the apostrophes are Shift + 7, and it took me like 30 seconds to find the plus sign. (Plus is Shift + Colon, and parenthesis is Shift + 8 and Shift + 9) Tonnes of relearning to do.
But hey, I have this really nice noisy keyboard to type with, and its really fun. Its louder than the HHKB, and also takes some effort to press. But man, this is really sparking some interesting ideas in my head for future keyboard plans…
Here’s to tomorrow’s Joel, who will figure out what to do about these keyboards somehow.
I have to keep thinking about what to say, and its just like on and on and on. LOL. I have a lot of things to talk about, but not everything is “blog worthy” I guess.
And to make a post, I shall complain about blog-worthiness. It feels like there needs to be a point made, or something that I’ve reflected on one way or another. But honestly, it’s not really true. I could write about anything I want, because it’s a daily blog after all.
So I shall just update that I’ve won two old boards on Yahoo Auctions Japan right now, and I’m just waiting for them to ship, and I’ll sort out all the shipping fees later. But wow, I am honestly quite excited for this journey down retro boards and all that.
Wish me luck, and pray for my wallet. I have set caps, and thankfully I’m keeping to them. But just in case… hahaha…
It doesn’t really fly, but it moves so quickly and it’s as if I’m sitting in a time machine every day. It’s moving at the pace of one second a second, but every moment just moving on and on as we drift through space on this planet.
Nostalgia and regret; the two biggest enemies on this fight against time. Future and Patience are other enemies too, but I think the ones that cause me a lot of pain are the ones of things that I could have done better.
It’s because of how I think about the past that affects the way I think about the future. I know that for sure, and maybe I’ve even mentioned that here a few times. But at the end of it, where am I really?
What is the present, if not a time for immediate action? And why do I think and reflect, only to lose more time later?
So to make sense of all these thoughts, I think this daily blogging here is good for me, because my reflections are immediately shared, and then I can re-do my thoughts later. Maybe it would work for the current time, and maybe, just maybe time would stand still for a moment.
But it won’t, and you would have spent time just to read this.
So spend time wisely, because it flies. Really really quickly it flies. Can’t ever catch it back, and can’t ever earn it back.
Today was a day that I really wanted to try something new: I wanted to try to be as relaxed as I possibly could. I wanted to just be a teenager again, and watch TV shows as I ate leftovers from the fridge. I wanted to just chill and take naps where I felt like it.
But this is really one of the hardest things for me to do. Most of the time, I really feel like I need to be doing something. So I actually catered a space today. I made space to make my YouTube videos, and now there’s a huge backlog. I have so many descriptions to write, and so many thumbnails to make. But at least I have a really fun space that I carved out to relax in.
I watched TV shows, and just made myself feel really comfortable. I enjoyed it. I might try it again tomorrow, and get other work done in a similar way. Tomorrow’s a work day again after all.
When I’m in that chill state, even if I’m doing a ton of work, it feels easier. It’s that gear on my mind that it’s just in the zone, but not really in the zone. It’s a glide, it’s cruising. I’m not really pushing, I’m just enjoying the flow of things.
Daily blogging is helping me with that; the range of reflection tools I placed in for my wind down routines also help. It’s a way for myself to enjoy my keep active, without the added stress that I put on myself. I really need to develop a formula, because there are many days when I wish this would happen more often. I end up missing the forest for the trees, and everything just ends up in a mess of sorts. I don’t enjoy the day, and there’s no work done. I’m unhappy, unfulfilled, and honestly, I’ll end up behind on the work I have to do.
So my hope is that tomorrow, I’ll work from that cruising state. I’ll try my best to, but I’ll also try not to put pressure on myself for that to happen.
And two songs to motivate myself, and to keep myself in that mood:
Negative Thinking by The Death Set, and Let’s Daba Daba by Polysics
I think it’s always something that I struggle with. While I might be friendly, sometimes I find it hard to share what is really on my mind. I think I lean towards different people’s preferences a lot of the time.
Today we had a time of reflection, as part of work. During that time, I realised how much I’ve been keeping on my own mind, and not sharing it properly to the people around me. It takes a bit of effort, but I find that I am quite overloaded with my own thoughts. I don’t speak much of what I am really feeling, and at the end of the day, I am still quite alone.
Maybe this is a reason why I don’t have a normal YouTube Channel, and I’m quite happy with just showcasing the typing tests, as my own reference point.
Actually, maybe other than this blog, I don’t really share myself on the Internet as a whole. So I guess if you’re reading this, you do get to see a glimpse of me that I don’t really show anywhere else. I just find that it’s not the right space to share myself, on Instagram, on YouTube. But this place is quite an appropriate place. So I’m fine with this.
Here’s a song/album I’m really into now, and it keeps playing in my head: Holiday / No Surprise / Mystery / T.L.C. (TURNSTILE LOVE CONNECTION)
I tried to use Yahoo Auctions Japan for the very first time today. It was a mad rush to try and bid for a crappy RealForce board. I wanted to harvest it for the keycaps and place them into a secondhand RealForce board that I have already (that doesn’t have keycaps).
I’ve never tried this whole bidding thing before, but at the last minute, there’s a chance for you to outbid another person. Then the bidding resets, and you have another 5 minutes added, and the other person can outbid you too. It goes on like that for quite some time.
Personally, I got really excited, and I kept thinking “OK! I can extend my price by another ¥100!” I did this at least 4 times, which means I increased my original bid by ¥800. This counts for the times where the person outbid my bid by ¥100. That’s the minimum you can raise against the other person.
At the end, I decided to stop when the conversion back to Singapore Dollars went beyond what I was willing to pay for, including shipping prices. I thought that I would be willing to try and stretch that by just a little bit more, but thankfully, my common sense got the better of me, and I stopped.
Would I do it again? Sure! But I would set hard caps, and I would also try to buy the item instead of waiting for the bidding. This would be in case someone went into a bidding war, and we would emerge paying a lot more than what the buying price would be.
Try at your own risk: Buyee.jp to make an account with Tenso as well, and they will help to translate the terms you are searching for. Very exciting stuff, and you can find some real gems inside.
There’s always this saying that you can’t expect an apple tree to grow mangos, and in that same way, we shouldn’t not expect something unnatural out of someone.
As much as we think that, we also keep asking people to get out of their comfort zones. Isn’t that similar, or at least asking an apple tree to try to become like a mango-like apple? Like an attempt at becoming something that they might not necessarily be.
I find that in my own experiences, I’d rather be the best tasting apple tree ever, than to be a mango + apple + whatever other fruit type of tree. That’s what I would rather, but I know that I’m often asked to become a different type of tree to fit the different needs of people who ask for my help.
We say such silly things, in order to convince ourselves either to not do work, or to do even more work. We’re really just weird trees walking around, thinking that we ought to tell other trees what to do. Maybe we should just settle down, and grow big, and be whatever tree we can be, the best that we can grow. That would be good, great maybe.
… keeps some stress away?
I’ve been back to playing some of my Steam Library, especially after Clarice was trying to clear some of it on her streams. Her account is twitch.tv/cliveit and mine is twitch.tv/trisected. I don’t stream games though, but I do stream my keyboard builds.
In any case, after some fiddling around again, I’ve gotten back into my roguelikes, and platformers. Here’s a quick update of 2-3 games that I’m really digging right now:
Super brutal, and completely not forgiving. This game starts you off with really little health, and a need for pinpoint perfection with split second decision making. Personally, I have died way too many times to count, but I keep going back to try again and again. There’s techniques that you have to pick up as you go along, but otherwise, you spend a lot of time dying. Power ups come later, as you get better in the game, but it takes a good long while to get over that first few humps.
One key thing I really enjoy about the game is this hard rock-metal vibe that kicks in as soon as you encounter enemies. It makes the pressure increase, and you’re in this frantic frenzy trying to kill these floating monsters that appear.
Recommend 10/10, even though I’ve not went past the first chapter. It’s been a good month or two since I’ve started it, but I really don’t think I’ve been putting enough elbow grease to get really good at this game. I would keep on playing with this for the time to come.
This is a more recent purchase, but it’s made me really excited to game whenever I can. The game mechanism works on an “endless” loop cycle with a deck of cards that add enemies and land effects for the rounds as you go on them. Every card has specific qualities that effect positively or negatively on your hero. As you destroy enemies approaching them in the loop, they drop cards from your deck, as part of the “dealing”.
It’s really nerdy in the sense where you need to read the qualities properly before you can implement a card onto your loop. You could try to avoid having too many enemies, but that would also limit your item drop. After a certain number of rounds, the boss level appears, and that needs you to have a certain amount of strength before being able to approach it.
9/10 Recommend, the one point is short because of the battle time, versus the traveling speed. It’s a grind type of game, but some portions could be sped up better a bit.
I completed Diablo 3 not too long ago, and was deciding if I wanted to do another play through immediately. But because I had already gotten Hero Siege, I decided not to, and to finish up Hero Siege instead. Both games are graphically very different, but has very similar gameplay mechanisms. You play as a hero, and you can get a range of item drops by exploring and questing in the lands and the portals that bring you between locations. Quests also appear based the story line, and the characters that you meet. Not as story focused as D3, but more towards the looting and smashing.
Strangely enough, I really enjoy the idea of traveling and smashing things, and then picking up the random loot that I find. The only thing that bugs me a lot, is that I can’t remember some of the locations of some of the quests. There’s no help to finding your quests back, and I’ve just got to go again and try another time I guess. I’ve been playing this longer than both Scourgebringer and Loop Hero, but I feel like I’ve hit a brick wall in terms of finishing the right quests.
8/10, and I would keep on going with this game for a long time. It looks like a retro vibe RPG game, but with a nice touch on the gaming mechanics. Not many people would agree with this rating for it though, I feel it would be rated lower, but I think its pretty enjoyable for me.
It really makes me happy to have something new in my hands. Something so strange about it. I just enjoy it, and I look forward to it.
I love the things that I materially have in my hands, and there’s a part of me that gets more and more bonded to the things I use. I honestly believe that materialism is that literal bonding of yourself as a person to the things around oneself, and that scares me a bit. I never really think of it that deep, and no one is forcing me to.
But man, it really feels so silly sometimes. And at the same time, I feel like I rely on it for some sort of stress relief.
Does that make me a godless person that runs after material items? Maybe. But I hope my faith is not shaken just because I enjoy items. I just can’t live for them. I might be right now, and maybe that’s something that I need to work on somewhere.
Clear electronic looking items just get to me, it’s that designed look to things. I really need to work these feelings and attachments properly. I might be able to make something better for myself than the things that I’m getting.
Just for the pure fun of it.
There’s this phrase thrown around whenever I go back for reservist, or I find myself in a situation where obligations are placed: “If it’s not me, then who?”
The idea is that if the person doesn’t do that job, or take up that role or appointment, then who will do it? And it will end up with a bad situation, and everyone will suffer because of that loss of that one person.
But another way to think about it is: if it’s not for me, that I’m doing this task for, then who am I doing this task for?
I found myself listening to a conversation where the people in it kept complaining about their different situations that they were dealing with. They were just going on and on about why they were in a bad place, and why they should not be there. But if it’s not for themselves that they were doing this for, then who were they doing this for?
In a situation where one needs to think of the big picture, responsibility goes really high. Above personal agenda. When when accepts the idea of a divine responsibility, then there’s a definite sense of purpose and fulfillment. But if someone doesn’t even understand their own place in the world, then what’s the point of trying to fight against an obligation or responsibility? It’s not like they’d have anything better to do.
And to me, that is the reason why the human race will never go beyond a certain point. We’re just outrightly too selfish. God save our souls.
Some parts of his lyrics haven’t aged well, but musically, it’s really well produced. I used to use this as my audio testing song, in reference to my previous post, exploring different earbuds. I’m just blasting these, and jiving to the beats, totally enjoying my time on them.
It’s crazy cause this song was released 8 years ago, and so many things have changed. But I really appreciate the time and place this song held for me.
I think one of the most frightful things that we’ve put ourselves through is making something end. I think that’s the main reason why TV shows last forever, we enjoy that stability, that continuation of everything, and maintaining things. Sometimes that’s the reason why we like to just get stuck in many things, and take a really long time to let go of things.
I think I struggle with that a lot. I think it’s really hard to let go of the things that I have, and I find myself very happy to stay stuck in a situation. But at the same time, I resent it like crazy. I think it’s the biggest waste of my time, and I sleep annoyed with why I didn’t try harder, or do more to get out of the situation.
One of the biggest things I wish I had done earlier was to get out of Singapore. Not because I hate Singapore, but because I think that the space for growth here is limited, or at least it’s curated in it’s own way. I really enjoy the space of Singapore that I have, and the way I can leave my things around just knowing that it won’t get stolen: that safety is really great.
But at the same time the appetite for failure is so low, because risk taking is not advised in many ways. I mean for a thief to think he’ll probably not be able to steal, that’s a pretty adverse risk ratio. The thief would rather start up a business and try to earn money the right way in Singapore. If not, he would just do small jobs to get enough pay to get by.
Back to the main point, where do we find ourselves when something is finished? I think that when I finished my army, and I had a chance to grow and try a school far away, or to expand my design abilities, I decided not to, because I was happy with how things were. Now that I’m older, I wish I had thought against that. I wish I had pushed myself a bit more, and maybe challenged the way I thought.
I’m also realizing that I needed those times to help me think of where I am now, and what choices I want to make today. It’s not something easy, where like all association to things of the past are now gone. It’s still there, and that general sense of lethargy to have difficult conversations about change are there too. I think hard about where I am going towards, and where I hope to be after that time.
Maybe my risk adversity is slowly lowering, and I’m more willing to take bigger risks. What’s the worst that could really happen? And if I’m willing to deal with that, maybe I should just take the plunge. But if I’m not willing to deal with that, am I willing to deal with the compromise?
Heavy topics aside, I’ve really been into the budget audiophile niche of MX500 earphones, after the VE Monk Plus. Basically they look like cheap earbuds, but they’re tuned to sound super great. It feels like I have a nice good audiophile level of earbuds, but at a much cheaper cost point. Maybe not audiophile per se, but very nice audio quality. I’ve ordered the FAAEAL, KBear, and other weird sounding names, and I am very excited to try something weird and new all over again. Also trying to figure out what music I enjoy the most on the earbuds, and what level of needing out I wanna get into. It’s really quite fun!
Apparently it was something to note that I had written a blog post every day for three days in a row. WordPress gave me a little achievement award that I had done that.
And I think that the three day streak is gone now, but at least I have something in mind that I can write forward for. Some gamification for myself, just to make things interesting here.
Maybe it’s not about the actual content that I produce here, but the consistency that I post with. That’s really the truth of life most of the time right. How consistent are wise with the things that we do? Diets, exercise, money saving, practicing the skills that we’ve learnt. If only we were good at keeping consistent, life would appear so much easier to deal with.
I guess I could try just being consistent to post something here everyday. That wouldn’t be a chore, because of the nice keyboards I get to type with. It’s really quite fun, and it’s something I like to do. But it’s just on the days when things are so packed, and I just don’t have the time.
But I’ll learn how to make time. A bit, a line or two, every day. Just grinding it out.
I’ve been thinking for a long time, how do I make sense of the many interests that I have? There’s so many things to do, and so little time in a day. How do I decide what to do each day, and how do I decide which one takes more priority over the other?
One of strangest things that might amuse any one who has known me for some time, is actually my avid awareness of Minimalism in my life. Inside me somewhere, is this person who actually wants to have nothing inside my house, and to have only the same set of clothes over and over and over again. It’s a dream. Realistically, this will never happen. Not because I don’t want to, but in that Spark Joy theory from Kon Mari, I find that there too many collections of mine that spark joy. I can be brought back to exact moments where I had gotten something and then it finds a renewed place in my heart.
But this minimalism framework is one of those preceding the rest. Do I get something that I like for the sake of it? Why do I like what I am getting? Am I getting something purely for the uniqueness, or because I truly like and enjoy it.
This does mean that I have 3-5 of the same black t-shirt, and maybe about 5-7 kinds of black t-shirts. They range in thickness, in length, in quality, in shade of black, the sleeve length, the neck width. You get the picture.
But I have also specific unique items that only have one of each. For example, I only have one green khaki pants. I have one light tan khaki, and then I have regular black slacks. These are for occasions that I have to be absolutely formal in, and I’d rather have one pair that I have worn for the past 10 years, than to buy a new pair of pants every time I need it for a formal event. Then to resell, or loan those out after that.
I think the COVID period has been especially hard, because I have a limited amount of places to wear these items to, and therefore the place of “I will use them when I am in the appropriate place” is missing. Technically, the minimalist during this COVID period would throw away most of not all clothes, because there is no need for travel, and therefore, there is only need for a few things. Shorts might be the most common, because of the amount of time spent at home. Which is also what I have gotten more of in the past year. Two pairs of the same type of shorts, in different colors. But they are very nice and stretchy, and I am enjoying them.
Time based hobbies start next: What will take the most or the least of my time? And because of time, it is also: Which hobbies can I stack together at the same time? So sometimes I watch a number of shows that I really like, as I fix up keyboards. Sometimes, it’s listening to a podcast as I run, because I love to learn now things.
Because time is so limited, gaming is something that has really dropped so much in the past few years. I really like gaming, and I wish there were more ways to game. It’s so hard, because it takes time, and it’s a single activity. I can’t stack it, as much as I would like to. But recently, because of Clarice’s involvement in streaming and gaming, I’ve began to start gaming a bit more, and using that single time as a specific time to start relaxing it. Although the game itself might not be relaxing, I am forcing myself to just allocate specific time to one thing, instead of stacking. It is a hard effort, but I think it’s needed as I learn how to rest better.
All this aside, I try to track my days, and my time. It doesn’t always work out how I think it would, but I do make some attempts to. A lot of the time, things get pushed around. But then I write posts like this, and remind myself not to be so hypocritical. Then I restart some hobbies, or I give more focused time. And that works out for me really great in the end.
I gotta get started reading again!! Personal reminder for myself as I sign off for now.
Still one of my favorite mini documentaries.
1950’s cymbals tho, that’s mad. I wanna have something old and retro like that for my kids to use someday.
There was a time when I was considering writing as a side gig, like maybe a possible thing that I could get into. Not so much income, but just another skillet to develop for possible business? Like for fun, the same way I do drawings and things like that. That thought was put through the reins when I was writing a lot on Medium, because I thought that would be a good place where I could get random people to read my posts, and I could get some side money from it. Either that or I could maybe just curate myself better on the go.
Also at that time, this site was in a huge question mark. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with this, and it just felt like I was holding the website for the sake of it. WordPress’ layouts were also kinda boring then. I mean now that I’m here, it’s clear that I can deal with this, but it’s not perfect either, but at least it’s somewhere.
But over time, I realized I didn’t like writing with other writers on Medium. It felt like I couldn’t really express myself as me, and I had to form myself into a shape that others could understand, something like YouTube. The content needs to be what the rest would be willing to watch.
That’s not me. I’m not really good with dealing with everyone else. I can do work, and I can be friends with people, but having to write creatively for someone else is not something I enjoyed. I found that I also don’t know how to feel about taking drawing commissions to be honest. It felt like there were things that I didn’t want to do, but I had to make do.
But because of that, I realized I like writing here, for myself. I honestly don’t care too much if people read it or not, the same way when I had written for others when I was younger, I wrote specifically expressing myself to them. It was good, and I really enjoyed it. It was who I was, and what I wanted to be.
So now back to this particular site, and for me to write as freely as I would want to, it makes me happy. I am very happy with it indeed. I wish there were more ways for me to express it, but time will tell. I will continue to write here often, and I will continue to share what I learn about myself in this whole time.
If you’re here and this is the first thing you’re getting to read, please just have fun and see where my mind has been on this site. It’s just a peak, but I promise I’ll explain more about how I think in the time to come.
All that being said, I’m really keen on having my keyboard that I’m typing with to sound and feel a certain way. But apparently it’ll just be time that will get me there. That’s tough, because I’m honestly not the most patient person in the world. Also because of that, I feel like I might want to get another keyboard just to wear in now, before I want to use it later on as well.
I really get into way too many hobbies interests that take too much of my time, and I really don’t have that much time. Time to get started again.
https://youtu.be/XOnCffYzGXo this is the sound of said keyboard. My own video of this will be coming up here real soon. 🙂
I find myself always thinking about what I should be doing, and how much more of it. It stems from the idea of being as productive as possible, and how I wish I could maximize my time in the best ways possible. We should be doing as much as we can, as often as we can… right?
But I find myself so annoyed with myself. There is only one main stressor: Me.
That’s when I stop my productivity tools, and put them aside, just to find some sense of peace for my own head. I actually put down tools and tasks, and then I just don’t do anything for quite a long period of time. And just when I’m about done feeling sorry for my annoyed self, I get started again, and start doing work.
It really doesn’t help when YouTube sends me productivity videos to watch real often. It doesn’t help that I’ve subscribed to these things on my feed, and that I’ve got newsletter after newsletter on how I can really be living the best life if I’ve whittled out my philosophies. How I can be more disciplined, how I can be more in tuned with the goals I have for my life.
So I’m here now, because I was really excited to get started on a few projects, I started to do some of them, but then I got really disillusioned by my own over productivity lifestyle. I was literally just like not sure which thought should go into which bullet journal, or which notion template, or which Trello board. I was just so confused with myself.
I stopped doing everything for the past few days, stacked with the side effects from the second dose of Pfizer Vaccine. And the break has been good, I think. I couldn’t do anything, and I really didn’t want to. I had no need to feel bad about it, because all I could do was lie in bed.
Today I got back on track a little bit, started some work. But man, some days are really so much harder than others.
are in the palm of your hands.
The digital world, or actually the whole world, is held with our smart phones. We move and travel, eyes on the screens that direct us of what we might want, what we might think and feel and see.
The non-neutral digital
Our mobile devices stopped being neutral when automation started to occur. Remember that scene in Click, where the fast foward through life happens automatically, and he’s left angry and upset because the system worked on its own, against the person’s will. That’s where we are now in the digital world. How do you work against social news that is automatically chosen for you based on cookies, and even before that, based on your location? These already narrow out the infinite possibilities of the whole internet and choice into those that would fit your IP.
—
I had written this post in 24 June 2017, and haven’t touched it since.
I’ll post it up now, with some updated thoughts:
Social media and algorithms have taken over so much further than what I had written here. I am quite upset with my own YouTube experience, the Instagram browsing experiences. Everything is catered based on the latest things I’ve searched for, and many of the things that I want to watch out of consistency have faded in to the background of “not important”.
But if it wasn’t important then why would I have subscribed to it in the first place? I want to see everything, all the time, without YouTube’s actions on what and how I view it. Stop telling me what you think I want to see, I want to see it as how I had chose to see it, in a convoluted mess. That’s what makes me unique, and that’s why I want to break algorithms and preferential data based on my demographic.
Be warned algorithm bots, I am your human that decides against my own nature just to make life interesting for myself and unpredictable for you.
I think it would be good to do a certain sense of consistency back again in these thoughts that I place here on this side of things. And this might mean coming up with somewhat of a template to go along. So I’ll begin by introducing some of the things that I’ve been watching, or reading, or listening to. After that I’ll try to introduce you to an idea that I’ve been thinking about. And lastly I’ll make sense of what the world is like to me now, as a creative expression not meant to be taken too seriously.
This is also a time for me to state a disclaimer that these views that I present are my own, not representing the country I’m from (Singapore), neither the organizations that I work with, nor the friends that I socialize with. They are just my views of the world, and my observations with my own biases. My biases are based on my experiences so far, so if it is flawed, it is flawed indeed, because I think that is part of what human life is about.
With all that aside, let’s get going!
I’ve been listening to the recorded lectures on philosophy: Great Ideas in Philosophy, by Dr Daniel Robinson.
The lectures are 30min monologues, where Dr Daniel presents different philosophies. They’re really quite eye opening, and I try my best to write a short summary after every lecture. This does mean that I’m taking a lot longer than I would for an audio book, but I’m trying to capture as many things as I can. I am aiming to learn for free, in a sense. I did pay for this through audible credits a few years ago, and I am finding the benefits of my previous purchase choices.
My current thoughts is that it’s a lot less fluff than a podcast, and something more historical. I don’t think I’ll pick up a philosophy textbook, but I am keen to read the original documents, in the range of translations. This would probably take another few years for me to put to actual action, but hey, everyone’s got a side hobby somewhere right.
It’s really helpful for me to use to engage in a lot of the conversations that we have in modern day. I think that we lack the intellectual depth in our conversations currently. We tend to use very poor logic and weak arguments in how we converse with each other. It becomes quite a mess when we discuss things, and no one understands each other any better. This gives me a chance to understand someone better, and also a chance for a new way of thinking for me to consider; a new philosophy. Maybe one day, our current thoughts would lead us to a new philosophy entirely. Which brings me to…
What does philosophy look like in modern day? Right now with traditional news mediums in a constant change, and our reliance of social media over news sources, the idea of truth is in constant competition. What is truth in the first place? I think we have been digressing for so long, and we have given into relative truth for an extremely long time. Relative truth being what is real to me, and what exists for me, that becomes my truth.
But there are many universal truths that we reject because of this. What can be defined as truth needs to have it’s reality set in the world that we experience, that’s for sure. But some of these things apply across all cultures, even more so because of the digital age that we live in.
The digital age gives way to an international culture, that exists beyond where we have come from. It is like when we traded spices across countries and cultures. We would need to come at a marketplace, at a place of sharing and value is almost uncertain. But common terms need to be defined.
Right now, with relative moral rights, we are going to and fro countries bringing moral rights as our items of value. Our cultures are adjusting for things like mental health, human rights, and strangely enough, the abstract meme in it’s contextual misappropriation. These values and cultural challenges are seen different by those who are not actively on that forefront trading culture on the Internet. But the world is moving fast, and even the front line cultural traders are barely able to catch up.
I think that there should be a reset somewhere. Not total anarchy, although it might approach that bump for sure. I don’t think that we could reach an agreement simply in these days, but with COVID 19, I think that we’ve found a common place to start with. Hopefully we could get to common terms somewhere. But just to put an idea out that there should be a reset somewhere.
Mechanical Keyboards have been that reset for me. Something that I don’t need to consider my background or culture in. I’ve made friends across the world, people who engage in a non political topic, and just enjoying or discussing our experiences typing. There are preferences for sure, and everyone has certain hot topics within keyboards, but overall, we tend to enjoy the hobby in the nerdiest ways possible.
Much like how we have seen the motorcar change over the decades, and we found this idea of horsepower and individual movement over a physical plane, I think that Mechanical Keyboards will eventually be that flex of a person’s understanding and status, as one engages with the digital age. The mechanical keyboard is supposed to for a very long time for sure, and with this idea of nostalgia, and humanizing tech, I think this is a very physical engagement of the virtual space. We enjoy the typing experiences, the sounds and feel, and this adds to our “movement”. We have a premium experience of the digital interfaces because of this.
I’ll probably change my thoughts some time soon, so that would be another disclaimer too. But in case I don’t, this stands as a moment for me to reflect on retrospectively.
If I do change them, it is a sign of a human, and that would be good. I hope these thoughts mature over time.
Does anyone even read these posts anymore? I think one of the worst things that I have installed into my site is the back end stats management. It just sits there telling me that no one is coming in.
But I’m not really looking for people to come in right? I’m trying to make my space for myself, and to just express freely what I think about the things I’m thinking about.
For instance, what is the place of my pinky in typing? Does anyone really need to know that? I guess they don’t but it’s a thought that’s open my head and that I might really want to talk about it for some reason. I don’t know how often I’m supposed to use it, but it feels like I really ought to more for some reason.
I guess if no one reads silly thoughts like these it’s really alright? Or the fact that I tried to place a question in the start of every paragraph. Also, as you might guess, I’m still running off the new keyboard energy, getting myself all hyped up and typing as much as I can.
What on earth am I really doing this for? Who knows 😉
This sounds absolutely ludicrous, but after years, I am finally typing in bed again.
It’s a thing because when I was much younger, say about 17, 18 years old, I used to love typing in bed, and just spilling my thoughts out. I would write an email newsletter to a range of friends and acquaintances. I would write on LiveJournal, this old blogsite that a lot of us had used back in the day. All these written on my white MacBook, and just rattling away on the built in keyboard.
It was that where I really enjoyed the idea of typing, and soon after I purchased my Apple Magic Keyboard, so that I could type more and more. I would type from a distance, because I could. And this kept up through my army days as well. I would write on the weekends, and every now and then, just type away on my bed as I thought through things before I slept. It was a really relaxing way to end the day.
There’s an imagery and scene in my head: view of the street below, with the orange yellow street lights that glowed through the rain trees. The flashes of the zebra crossing, and the cars driving past in sporadic intervals. And then of course, the white glow of the Apple Logo, mirrored against the window glass. Because I would be sitting there typing away, and hoping to make sense of my brain as I put it on an email. Or a post.
I’m back writing in bed again, after over 10 years.
Ok, that’s a dramatic statement.
I’m back writing in bed again, after some time, because I’ve got a keyboard that fits nicely on my lap, and I’m writing on my iPad, as part of WordPress apps that allow it. I couldn’t do this for the past few years, because my white MacBook from my teens, became way too slow. My MacBook Pro from 2014 has also slowed down dramatically, but more because of a faulty battery that I cant deal with so much. And the iMacs that I have cant be carried to bed to type.
But now, those technical difficulties are put away. More than that, I have a keyboard that is really of such an enjoyable quality, that I am encouraged to type more and more. Thus, this very long post about how I have a new keyboard. The night owl Joel, who loves to write and talk, has been reawakened!
Stay tuned for a lot more consistent posts… I hope.
So I have just finished watching Vikings on Netflix. It’s been a really long series, and I find myself really just amazed that I stuck it all the way through. There’s definitely going to be spoilers, so brace yourself for it.
(more…)Been really busy thinking and planning many things, and even my rest time that I had planned for ended up becoming busy. That really just troubled me in some ways. The irony…
I can’t decide what’s my main focus of attention creatively, so I just thought to post this here, as a presence of my existence, for this very moment in time.
I exist.
Today, I cleared my IPPT.
It is the Individual Physical Proficiency Test, which all Singaporean Males, or those serving our National Service need to take annually. This test’s window is within birthday to birthday, and man, I am so tired out from it.
Today, I also did my work, needing to speak at a session.
As part of my tasks in my job, I need to speak, and moderate a session, in a sense. For those who know what I actually do, I’m making it as objective as possible because I think that this makes more sense in my monologue here.
Today, I attended a training the trainers session.
Also within my job scope, I have to attend some meetings that involve training, and today’s session was a training the trainers session. Which means, it was a lot more in depth than I would have preferred, but I still learnt a lot.
Today, I had cooked my meals, for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And my wife cooked some for me too.
Cooking is a lot of management, and simultaneous management at that. Everything might boil over if you don’t watch it right. Or burn. Or both.
Today, I thought to make a keyboard to try and stay awake too.
Just some simple cleaning, wiping things down, swapping out some switches, that I’m typing on now. It’s a sweet typing experience. Can’t hear anything though, because they’re silent tactile switches (Boba U4).
and now, I decided to write a short post, just to remind myself never to pack my day so heavily ever again. Just say no to some things. It’ll help.
After some time, we get used to things. We become familiar, and we understand how or why something goes a certain way. After some time, emotions and excitement fades. We take things for granted, and we take that as the norm, how things should be.
After some time, it’s good to take a moment to reflect. Is my life today something special? What’s special about today, and how have I gotten to this point? It’s a moment to be grateful, and to take stock of how we are so far.
But in through all this, time is key.
Instead of waiting for today to remember to be grateful, or for us to realise that certain ideas or thoughts have faded, what if we could control the when? What I mean is, if we do check ins periodically, would we ever lose that excitement, or would we ever forget to be grateful? Perhaps gratefulness would just be part of who we are, and every moment is cherished.
Or maybe it would become another system that we take for granted again, and this idea of when is just one that the human mind cannot fathom in the best way. Maybe having this up and down of remembering and forgetting is something that we just can’t really deal with, if its constant all the time. Something would just need to give way around this circle of life’s priorities.
When? After some time, that’s when.
I’ve been picking up running again, and it’s really been some time since I’ve done any long runs. I’ve been doing runs every now and then, but nothing consistently, and the past two weeks have been me trying my best to get these runs in.
Because of that, my heels are just dead. I’ve got blisters on blisters and they’re just so sore at times, that its hard to move my feet.
But I still run, and it gets me into a very interesting place mentally. I’m running and keeping a good stride, and it feels like every step I take pushes the ground beneath my feet. My breath is full in my chest, and I push on, and see either the sun set, or the sun rising.
And then, some cyclist with no lights rides by really close, with no ringing, and I get this shock of sorts, bringing me down immediately to the earth.
I hope I either find the best time to run without newbie cyclists, or I get a new route, that I can avoid these people with.
I need the run to decompress. There are many things that are stored in my head, and especially through a long day, I find myself not letting them out. I need my head for other things, like how to be nice to people, and how to manage things as a whole. But if I don’t decompress, it just stays there.
There’s probably a deeper scientific reason behind why this is so, and I would like to direct you there one day, but maybe for just today, run longer than you would imagine was possible for you. Maybe you’ve only run 2.4km because it was needed of you to run in school. Go longer than that. Not because you need to hit the distance, but run because you need to decompress too. It’s not about how well you run either, because sometimes when you put so much pressure on that, you run with more stress. Instead, think of moving one foot in front of each other in the simplest way possible.
Soon, you might be 10km in, and you’ll be enjoying your run a lot more than you had imagined. That’s where I found myself at, at least.
I feel it, deep inside. This constant communication that we are linked to in the modern day.
Can you imagine years ago, when the Telephone was first being invented? At that time, the ability to call into your friend’s home must have seemed like a huge invention. And over time, it became a hassle when someone would call you, and you would need to answer, if not the ringing wouldn’t stop.
And then the emails came along, where we could send a letter, without the need to actually post mail. There would be no post man, and everything would be immediate. What an age! You could share your thoughts, and someone could reply you after that, without you having to wait. But then came along the need to reply, and work emails that we try to hide from as much as we can. Or view receipts, that you turn to to see if your friend or colleague had viewed your mail.
Two words: Instant Message. That was the end of it. No longer just an email, where there would be some what of a title, and a template to fill. Instead, just straight up what a phone call would be. Your friends live in your pocket. Good or bad? No one really knows, and the self help side of the bookstores lean more on the No than Yes.
That’s where we are today, with our instant messaging, with our constant communication. I feel it, deep inside me.
It’s not the pings from my friends that I feel. It’s a mix bag of emotions. I feel as if time runs out whenever I take too long to reply someone. I feel as if I did not think hard enough if I pressed enter too quickly. I feel as if the world needs to know and doesn’t really want to know all at once. But I need to share, to make sure they know, right? I need to use my Mechanical Keyboard, to type a message quickly enough, so that they are aware, and that they Do know.
Also because typing messages with a mechanical keyboard is Oh So Satisfying. What could go wrong?
But this constant communication that I feel inside me, makes me feel exposed, dried out. I feel too much, because I keep on going and going.
And I’m typing this post, so that I’m not offloading this to just one person, or a group of friends, but at least to somewhere constructive, where my verbal rants would matter somehow. Somehow placed into a series of paragraphs that would egg on my constant communication.
And I guess now, I’m about ready to stop communicating. I hope you would communicate with me, whoever you are, reading this. Just say hi, just because you can. 😀
In case you did not know, I am married. Married for two years at that. It’s something that I am extremely proud about, because I think making a marriage work for two years is a lot of effort. There were many times when I feel like just throwing everything away and just calling it quits. There were fierce fights, and real debates about how things ought to be done. And it feels silly, especially when you look back at it. Worse still, it feels silly if you hear someone telling you, “Oh when you’re getting ready for marriage, remember to be chill about dish washing.” I will honestly say that dish washing has caused a lot more pain than I expected. It’s so strange, because I think the love that we see from our parents, or some old couple walking along the street, it’s just not that easy. It’s a lot of friction, and it can really hurt.
But I’m proud because I think Clarice and I have really had that friction and grown past that in huge ways. We’re really not the same people that we had fell in love with. Some parts have remained, but others have grown. I have grown. I am really a different person. I don’t dislike it in any way, I just know that I am really in a good place now, and it took a lot of effort to get here. I am proud, really proud, of our partnership.
I hope one day I’ll read this post again, and be reminded of how happy and proud I am of my marriage. It is truly a beautiful thing.
When thinking about what to do, I’m always stuck with this issue: What should I do, and where should it go?
“What to do” is always an easy one to start with: Paint a picture, write a blog post, cut a video together. But then when you pair it with “Where should this piece go?” then you get into this huge question of what’s the best approach, how do we get as many eyes on this as possible, and the list of it goes on.
But today, like the past few days, I’ll just make these things for myself. On places that I’ll see, and where I’ll appreciate. Hopefully, that helps me to get back to making things easier. Simple. I hope.
Every now and then, I sit down and look through the things that I have done before. I don’t usually plan these sessions. I don’t think anyone intentionally goes through a heart wrenching time to reflect on the things that are totally shameful internally. I might be cleaning my room, and I stumble on a box of letters, or a random picture reminding me of a time before, or worse still, chancing on an old picture of a person or myself even.
If your memory is bad, you might just look at it and even wonder how that photo was taken. But if your memory is pretty solid, you get this huge roller-coaster of anxiety, emotion, nostalgia. Regret becomes one of the biggest things you end up with in your hands. Looking back at the person you were, and really regretting being that guy.
I don’t think I was ever proud of who I was. I might be really quite happy with who I am today, but it was shaped from a lot of frustration, and a lot of failed attempts at trying to be someone I’m not. On Reddit, the relevant thread is “r/blunderyears“. I was indeed a huge blunder, and it’s really hard to come to terms with what I did as a teenager navigating social spaces. I used to text girls randomly, trying to just go out on dates, and failing horribly. I had emails and letters from ex-girlfriends, who I cheated on, because I had no idea how to deal with relationships and time apart. There were notes where I had tried to be cool in front of other guys, only to find out that I had not been cool at all.
There were really so many things that I was struggling with in my own head, that I took out on the people around me. They watched me make a mess of so many things, and some of them still stuck around. Some of them became my best men at my wedding. My family also watched me struggle through these things, and they were there, loving me still, and encouraging me to do the right things.
All this really changes the way that I care for people now. It’s silly, if I were shown so much love and grace, for me not to pay it forward. Then I really wouldn’t have learnt much. It would be just a sad older person, doing the same silly things, and not changing. I learnt how to care, how to stick around, even if someone was not doing the best or ideal thing in their lives. I learnt how to listen, the same way friends had listened to me. That’s definitely shaped who I am today, and who I hope to grow to become more and more. I can be better, because I’ve been shown how to be a better person. It’s the regret in my hands, that restrains me from behaving badly again.
So when you stumble across items from the past, remember who you were, and embrace it. Remember that that was you, and not who you are today. But at the same time, remember the people that were around you then, and thank them. They stuck around when they really didn’t need to, when you didn’t deserve it. They helped you out when you really didn’t help yourself. That’s grace, and that’s love. Remember to be better today.
When I started looking at keyboard videos, I was really keen on watching this guy:
I mean Japanese, with really aesthetic videos, and that sweet keyboard sound? What’s not to like? And every time I watched his videos, I imagined that would be me some day, getting to type on a really nice keyboard, and having a really nice video to prove for it.
And I’ve gotten there! Thankfully. I’m happy with all the different switches that I have, and the kinds of keyboards I’ve gotten to play with. And of course, I’ve got almost the same kinds of keyboards Wabi Sabi has. Or at least that one that I was really excited about .
But now that I’m here, and looking back, I miss that feeling. I was waiting for keyboards, I was eager and learning. Now I feel stuffed. I feel over satiated. Full of information, full of knowledge and experience. I miss being hungry and waiting for the keyboards. It was an eagerness, and every day I felt I was one day closer to getting something really special; I was really looking forward to it.
I guess that’s something that I will always remember about that time. The days going to sleep, hearing typing noises, wondering if I ordered the best switches or not. That’s a huge part of the appeal for keyboards, a self perpetuating hype train that will never come back to the train station. Now my keyboard dreams are in another realm of excitement, or maybe it is just level to my other interests. Whatever it is, I’m really glad I had that time to be excited about, to grow through. I wouldn’t have been half the keyboard nerd I am without those videos.
Thank you to Wabi Sabi, for your Vids.
I’m a sucker for Tom Sachs, and for Morning Routines. So this one is really up my alley in the weirdest way possible. I haven’t been good at restraining myself with social media before I start my work and my thoughts, but this is really a great reminder for me to think more, to produce more, to just do more.
It hits you really differently when you do more. In the Artist Way (12 week programme in creatively resetting), there’s a week where you are not allowed to have any input. No movies, no videos, just your own thoughts and your own writing. In that week, I learnt so much about how much content I take in, and I take in tonnes of content.
My usual day has me starting out with Reddit, and seeing what’s the latest things trending in the Internet world. After which, I’d play a video whilst I brush my teeth or shower, continuing as I change and get to my table. Then I would check through the range of YouTube things, or flip through my Instagram notifications, and then when I get really tired of all of it, then I might look at my notebooks and consider writing. This is all within the first hour of me waking from sleep.
That’s not a good place to be, and its because I feel like a content slob. Just taking in all this content, without really processing, without really working it out. My thoughts are not lean and toned thoughts anymore, they’re heavy and all over the place. My mind is not trained the way it used to be. I actually feel the need to be sharpening up. And this post is me taking some action to getting there. I decided to write this morning, to get myself doing something so that my mind has a workout.
Or at least a stretch, for today.
I’ll be back, tomorrow. I hope. For a longer mental workout, or just to have a better sense of a healthy morning routine.
There’s different layers that I think we often hide behind as humans. There’s a certain front that I hope people would perceive from interacting with me, there’s a facade of sorts. It’s not bad, but the facade’s usually there because there’s other things that we’re thinking about.
Maybe it’s the food we ate that we are trying to figure out was healthy or not. Maybe it’s the choice of what we are planning to say next to appear intelligent, or to just allow the person we’re conversing with to talk some more. Maybe it’s the fear of death that looms over our heads, worried of a sudden freak accident.
The thoughts I have, as I sit behind my keyboards, are not easy to deal with. They’re raw, they’re frustration. They’re sad, they’re just inconsolable. They are happy and just excited to be alive. But the outside doesn’t want to have the emotions outside. Externally, it’s the thoughts can’t exist and have their space to grow, or to finesse themselves. They stay internal for some time.
Maybe some of the thoughts, and emotions around the thoughts, become well finessed and are expressed in words. The words might appear as a text to a loved one, or a firm command of “Let’s just eat the burger, it’ll be fine.” Some of the thoughts with less shape, but still larger form, pop themselves out as anger, rage, physically manifesting. These would die quickly outside, because they’re not well put together. And the person learns from all this.
I keep some thoughts to myself, because I don’t think they’re fit for the outside. I keep the facade up, as I choose which to express, and try to finesse the thoughts properly. But because of the experiences from the past, not all the thoughts come out, and some stay internal a lot longer than others.
And this in itself, is one of my internalized thoughts, now coming to the daylight (or cyberspace).
The last post had a bunch of typos, and sounds so weird, but I only knew that with feedback from my wife. Thanks to her, I now know that it sounds like I wrote it drunk.
And I think that’s something I wish more people told me more often. Do I sound drunk all the time? Is there a way to make sense of myself? Can I improve? Can I become better? I yearn for correction, because I feel like I’m not good enough to discern.
My balance for what I think ought to be can be easily laid out when thinking for someone else. But for myself, I really struggle to think about what I could do better, and how I could have done it better. I think that I don’t give myself excuses, and that leads me to this weird path of super high self expectations. I don’t think it’s healthy, but I don’t have a better option. So I keep pushing and pushing, until some parts of my ego and thoughts break.
But that’s where I look for feedback. I am listening to what people are saying to me, and about me, and I try to fix those things. I know that it’s not perfect, but I think I ought to try from there. If not, myself as my master, will lead to utter destruction of my own ego.
So feedback helps me, and I learn from it.
It’s not like feedback is easy to listen to. I already struggle to hear my own feedback, I end up going into this mode to fix myself as much as possible. Hearing it from others can be really hurtful, if I take it the wrong way. It’s not to give people an excuse to hurl insults at me, and then adjust to hear the good of what they’re saying. But it’s just simple things like “Could be better”, or “Maybe not like this”. In an overly sensitive state, I could really take that line badly.
But again, if its for improvement, I really need to think hard about why it was said, and what I could really learn from it. I don’t want to listen only to myself, or only to the good, or only to the worst things ever. I want to hear balanced feedback, so that I could be a better person. Maybe not today, but hopefully soon. That’s really the heart of what I’m considering.
So if you’re reading this, and I have not heard your feedback properly, please let me know. Tell me. I will be willing to listen, because I hope to improve. Likewise, I hope that you are telling me, so that I can improve. If you give me the space, I will also tell you how to improve as well, through constructive feedback.
One day, life would be a lot easier the others.
One day, we would be able to have good ideas, and no one would shit on them, because they would have other good ideas too.
One day, we would be able to be ourselves, expressing ourselves, our thoughts and our feelings, and everyone else would be able to accept us wholeheartedly. Not because they agreed with us, but because they were also expressing themselves.
One day, we would live away from our ideals, because there’s might be a lot more joy in helping other people. And that joy from being self sacrificing is an ideal in itself.
But it’s so hard to do that, and some day, maybe one day, we would be.
Perhaps.
One day.
What should be the medium of things on YouTube? The other day I had watched a video on the way cinematography is done on YouTube, and there’s this idea of having things done in presentation style.
I thought it was really interesting, because I’ve always liked Casey Neistat videos, and I never really knew or understood properly why so. Casey’s videos tend to go through an array of YouTuber Presentation Style, and then some really cinematographic movie style on other shots and angles. Peter McKinnon really makes blows this up, especially with his hardcore B-Roll footage.
I mean these are two really big YouTubers, and they both present and film footage in similar but not ways. Which makes me really rethink: what exactly is YouTube footage? What makes a YouTube Video a YouTube Video? Must I follow these rules to make a YouTube Channel? What about algorithms and things like that? How do those thoughts play into the video and the channel?
As you might know, I’ve been watching a ton of keyboard videos. Like really a lot of keyboard stuff. I expect keyboard videos to look a certain way, have certain information that I’m really trying to look out for, and a few other things like that. But when the keyboard video doesn’t have that, I’m quite frustrated, or I might not actually watch the whole video.
So I guess a question is: What do I hope to achieve in my production of typing videos? What do I want people to go away thinking? Must it look a certain way? I know it currently does, but I’m thinking of title slides, I’m thinking of intro sounds, music, end credits, all sorts of things.
And at the same time, I’m thinking of really artistic and relaxing videos. Things that appear on minimalism videos, or even just lifestyle videos. Is that possible? Keyboards as a lifestyle? Sketching as a lifestyle?
I want to try that: I want to announce myself as a lifestyle. I want to share how I think and why I think how I think. But I want it to be appreciated, not studied. I want it to be enjoyed, not mimicked. I don’t know if things like this would turn out that way, and I guess many people have these aims in their heads. But I hope one day, that it would work out that way in the videos I hope to make. (I haven’t even started story boarding them yet lol)
Also, there are many questions that I’m asking in this post. It’s not directed to anyone, but I just wanted to put all these thoughts out there, because I hope one day to track back and to read how I thought through all these things. And hopefully, my future self will be answering my present self one day.
What a time to be alive, really.
When someone does something like Pomodoro Timers, or one of the productivity hacks, there’s always this encouragement to take a break as you need it. I like that idea, but I find it so hard to do that. It’s not easy to stop when you’re in the Zone. It’s also not easy to stop when you haven’t got anything started, and procrastination has been your work mate for the past hour, or two. But when you actually stop, get out of your seat and take a break, there’s a relief. Or so they say.
I find myself struggling with taking breaks because I don’t know what makes up a break time. Is it a walk? But isn’t walking doing something too? Is it getting out of your seat to make coffee? Isn’t that also something work-like as well? What about stretching? Perhaps that would be a break but I know my stretch times feel like a real workout, especially when I need to take out a yoga mat, and a foam roller, to get a proper stretch in the way.
My personal question for taking breaks is: what constitutes a break? How can this break be the most effective?
I find my best breaks happen when I choose not to do anything related to that topic for a day. None of that particular action or activity or task. Nothing related in any way to it. It’s the most relaxing, and my mind learns something new in that break day. I can watch any video I want, I can learn a new language, I can go for walks, for marathons. Just nothing of that particular work.
But it means my work time, with its distractions, are allowed to take the whole day. I will force myself to sit there and accomplish the task when I have set myself the day to do it. No breaks other than going to pee and eat. But pure forced on will power. Am I happy? No. But do I get work done? Yes, 100% yes!
So just give yourself a break every now and then. Not just the tiny ones that no one knows how to quantify. But just an unrelated day. Don’t do anything related to whatever you were supposed to do. And you might really find yourself in better efficiency. I find myself there at least!
For some time, all of my posts here carry the intention to become a video. I’ve been extremely inspired by Van Neistat and the work he’s done with Tom Sachs over the years. But his current YouTube on the Spirited Man is such a deep motivation for me. There’s so much thought and preparation to it, and it makes me feel as if I’m stepping into a plane of art films that haven’t been touched for so long.
I’ve been watching a lot of Atlanta since getting Disney Plus as well, so this huge idea of cinematography and properly laying out shots is something I’m thinking hard about. I guess I had to stop just doing top down keyboard sound tests, but really get into a narrative of story telling.
Which begs the question: what’s the point and purpose of YouTube? Is it for story telling and presentation? Or is it for creative, artistic expression? I am thoroughly afraid of placing my art on that platform, because I sincerely am quite afraid of the comments it might attract, or not. I don’t know if I want people to watch it, I don’t know if I can handle other people’s processing of my thoughts without that two hour long conversation that usually follows when I actually have the time to meet and chat with someone.
But until I try, I’ll never know. And that’s just something I need to approach in time. Do I want to? Perhaps, and I appreciate that keyboards was a great starting point. But now I need to really think a bit more than that, because I really want to share more than a sound test keyboard video.
I think I want to bear my soul, and not for anyone else but me and God. Let’s take it one day at a time I guess.
are usually when you let someone else down.
It’s those that you care for, and try your best to love. Those are the people that you feel the worst when you disappoint. The people who you had hoped to make them happy, and bless them with everything you might have. It really sucks to have things mess up.
I feel like blaming the world, for all the things wrong. But at a time like this, it really is my fault.
All this, because of a keyboard that I just couldn’t fix up properly. It’s so tough. I wish there were better ways around it. It’s something that I thought I had enough practice in. But I just didn’t. And life just really kicked me in the nuts.
And now I have a keyboard that’s fried, and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t think I can fix it. But man. It’s just letting people down that really sucks so bad.
I really hope I can do something to make up to my friend. But I am just diving so deep into this self pity and guilt. I need to jump out of it, and do something to make it right. I can’t live in this frustration.
I need to do something, to make it not a disappointment.
I need to make a bad keyboard good.
I need to think…
There’s a real problem I’m facing. I want to buy things. Lots of things. We could call it being a shopaholic, but my purchases are quite specific and limited. And at the same time, I’m not chasing after sales.
I’m chasing after things that can’t be bought again.
Or worse than that, things that will cost a lot more if I were going to buy it later.
For people like me, there is no buyer’s regret. There’s the non-buying regret. “I wish I just starved more that week! I would have been able to afford it then.” No matter what personal cost it might have brought to me at that time, I would still think it would be better than not having the item.
That pushes even further to the crazy ideas of materialism that are far more pervasive into our culture. My Big Questions for all my friends who earn a lot of money is: What are you going to do with it when you die? What’s the real point of having money, when it’s only a tool for purchasing?
So I take my own advice and purchase as much as my heart desires, which is a lot.
But I can’t purchase anymore. I just can’t. It’s not that I don’t want to. I have too many things to consider before purchasing. Sure, my bank account slowly depleting might be one reason, but that has never stopped my purchasing before. OK, maybe you’d want to say Credit Card Debt, but that’s not a reason for me to stop either. The financial ability to purchase is never the reason to stop – or at least that’s what the credit card companies tell me, and I would wholeheartedly believe them. If you disagree with this principle, then perhaps you should question why banks even have credit cards in the first place, and why that system exists. Personally, I don’t question it, I enjoy it.
But coming back to the main point: I can’t buy things anymore because I have way too many considerations. Does this color match with this existing thing that I already have? My table colors might not match this keyboard / pen / deskmat / monitor / mug, the list goes on. I don’t know if I really like the sound or feel of something.
I can’t buy anymore things cause I have too many things already, that compete with things that I want to buy.
So I guess I gotta start throwing away.
Maybe?
Perhaps?
We’ll see how?
Or I could buy just one more…
“Hi, I am Joel, and I work as …”
I think there’s a lot of ways to introduce ourselves, and one early trick I learnt from my wife was not to ask someone what we do, what our occupation is. So I started the crazy journey of talking with people without asking what their jobs are.
We are so often tied to what we do. I assume many times that when I ask someone what they do, I’ll have a really good answer found some time after that. It’s really not true though. I have some friends who are food lab technicians, but I met them at a J-Pop concert, where the occupation was the last thing on our minds. All we talked about was how awesome the performance was.
On the other hand, I have some friends who I’ve only known for their day jobs as a doctor, or as a lawyer. And they might have a really sick sneaker collection.
But neither the interests, nor the occupation makes them that person. They are who they are, because of a lot of other reasons too. and that’s really something that we need to remember about the people around us.
It’s not their interests, its not their occupations, and honestly, it’s also not their opinions that make us friends with them. We just like people who we like, no matter how crazy they are.
I don’t think I’ve ever considered myself someone that chases clout. This idea of a person that is driven to make a name for himself or herself, by a show of power, or by some heavy handed way. This idea of influence by means of material ownership, or to flex in what they have, and pretending to be someone they’re not.
But maybe that’s what life seems to be like the more invested I am in the hobbies I have. I seem to have hobbies that focus on very material things. But I don’t think I’m doing it specifically for anyone’s attention other than my own vested interest in the range of things. I think actually that I am quite happy to just dive into my own world of items and just hoping that no one else will have what I have.
But sadly, that’s not the case. Instead, unintentionally, I am chasing the clout. I want to get that hard-to-get keyboard, I like that my sneakers can’t be simply bought locally, I like the range of items that I have procured, and I hope to hang on to this for as long as I can.
And that might just be for another day. All things considered in this world. Is it worth it? Who knows? Probably not. Probably wasn’t worth it in the first place. The Lord knows I can’t take this with me when I die.
So just for tonight, just for now, but I know, it’s all going to pass away one day, whether I like it or not. Like all other clout chasers in history.
Everyday, just waking up, being alive, and being a human being that breathes.
Unlike human beings that don’t of course.
Everyday, the work load to clear, or to think through, or just to be responsible about so that the people around me can live life too.
I live life too of course, just that I think I can balance it pretty well.
Everyday, needing some coffee, some caffeine, some sugars, some carbs.
Balanced meals are for balanced people, that we are of course.
Everyday, steps ahead, one at a time, until finally we are home.
To restart everything once more for the next. And one day, it’ll all be done. No more new days, just a perpetual one. No more time, because time exists only for the human being who does. No more frustrations, no more responsibilities, no more hunger, no more pain, no more grinding, no more droning on and on about egos and people and everything else that humanity carries in its baggage of existence.
Just being, and in my case, with God.
The daily grind, to a halt, with God.
In Singapore, we have to serve National Service. That’s for about two years, my own time of service was about a year and ten months. It’s part of Singapore’s conscription, because of our really small population. All boys at the age of eighteen are required to serve our National Service to our country, and after that, continue to be operationally ready for the next ten years. That time means that as we start our graduate studies, or enter the workforce, we’re practicing the things that we have learnt in those two years.
We practice shooting, also known as marksmanship. We also practice attacking and defending, as an army. These things are widely known, so I don’t think I’m saying anything I’m not supposed to be saying. Our operationally ready force would assist our regular army force in times of war, and that makes up Singapore Armed Forces (SAF).
Every year, my army mates and me are literally drained. We are worn out from the military work that we need to do. We need to be fit, in both our mental and physical capabilities. This period of time is also known as a Reservist period. We are re-servicing ourselves as military men, and ensuring that we’re on tip top form.
It sounds possible, but honestly, hitting thirty-two this year, I’m feeling it more. Not so much during the actual time that I’m in camp, but the time getting back out to normal everyday life. Every day life is slower, there are less immediate stressors, and you know that technically you could quit at any time. But in the army, there’s no quitting. There’s only doing, and completing the tasks at the time that they’re needed to be done by. It’s a non negotiable. The worst part is that it feels completely irrelevant. It’s in its own bubble and completely not a part of the normalcy that we think of in “living life everyday”. “Seize the day” as a phrase isn’t commonly associated with grabbing your helmet and gear, jumping into a truck, and fighting an imaginary enemy in the jungle. But that’s what we need to do.
If you suck at being in the military, all you have to do is to imagine a war taking place, and not being able to stop any aggressive enemy. All Singaporean men, whether they like it or not, can do this. There is a certainty of this. But whether they can do this well is a completely different issue. And whether this will even be something tested is even harder to assume. What are the chances that it will be? And by the time we are actually at war, who will be alive to gauge the metrics of success for this conscription army plan? There are too many things at stake for us to not take it seriously enough.
But like all things that are for our own good, but too far into an unknown future, most Singaporean men can’t imagine this happening. We don’t always appreciate the rigor of this annual military exercise. We enjoy our friends, and we enjoy getting out of work, but there’s always a much deeper reality behind it.
Maybe it’s about learning what we want to care for and the lengths that we would go to protect it. If we have learnt how to manage finances and investments for our children, perhaps the physical land protection of Singapore is something that we truly ought to consider a lot more. That’s something of value, that money can’t buy. If we lose the country, we’ve lost it all. And I feel that pressure every time I go back to camp, that’s why my time every year is always going to be more stressful than going to work every day.
I know I’m more of the minority of this view, but I still think it’s something to be said. It’s not a matter of being gregarious, or garang as we would call it, but to me, its a responsibility of protecting the future. A very necessary burden to carry as a male in Singapore.
In all my examples, I mention Singaporean males, but females do enlist as well. However their enlistment is voluntary, whereas the men are required to by law.
This is something I personally need to discuss. Control is something that I find really hard to define, and really hard to express.
Is it the idea that I can do something? Wouldn’t that be competence? What about the idea of making someone do something that I want them to do? That would sound more like ordering or dictating. What if I nudged them to do it slowly? I guess that would be influence instead.
But control sounds like all that. Control, as a verb, is defined as “to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command”, “to hold in check; curb”, “to test or verify (a scientific experiment) by a parallel experiment or other standard of comparison.”, and “to eliminate or prevent the flourishing or spread of”. The first definition is the closest to what I’m thinking of.
That’s not something we can do easily. I don’t even think we can do that at all sometimes. We can force it for sure, but we can’t control many things. Often we say that we can’t control the weather, because it’s nature. If the wind blows, we can try to control it, but how do you control wind? We divert wind, making it turn turbines. We use wind to cool us down, because we realise when the wind blows, our heat moves away from us. But then if the wind blows too strong, whatever we have might blow away. The same goes for water, the same goes for the sun, for the natural world around us. We can’t control nature.
Then why do we think we can control other human beings? Are we not also natural? Why do we think that our thoughts and emotions should be forced onto someone else? To Dominate; Command. How could we command another human being? Are we not smarter than the wind? How does the wind carry intelligence that we do not have? And yet, we can’t control it. Is it the lack of intelligence that gives control? Perhaps control and intelligence are contradictory.
What are the control points for humans that we try to so hard to keep to? Societal norms: you need to be like this and that in order for us to accept you in as part of society. And we conform, falling to the influence of our forebears, of whom have held up traditions from generations before. Unaware, we are controlled, we are dominated, commanded. We listen, we follow. But we are natural, and we flow. Perhaps in itself, intelligence is control. Because we understand, and we are diverted, like the wind.
To Dominate; Command.
But there are many times, when I want to control myself. I am the raging wind, I am the wild dog, untamed. I want to be in control because I do see the societal norms and traditions, and I want to be a part of the normalcy. My mind is quite clear on some of its expectations, but somehow my natural body does not seem to follow suit.
My body goes against me, my emotions are not in control. I get flustered, I get upset, but these are things that I do not wish for. I am not dominated by myself, I am not in command. Instead, my emotions win over. I am dominated by my natural state, and I am overgrown internally.
There are scenes of huge winds, crashing waves, and the turmoils of natural disasters. These happen inside me, with my emotions. I feel like a volcano, bubbling deep inside, seething. I feel angry. There are times that I feel like there has been a grey day of rain within my heart. The sadness of loss pouring a downpour, washing away all sense of hope. All constructs of control that were set up, just slipping down the hill like a landslide.
Nature takes over my control, and I lose control to nature. I am dominated, and I am commanded by my emotions. But somehow, somewhere, there needs to be an assistance from somewhere else. I find that is the point where I find my place in religion, specifically in God.
I let Him control me; I let God dominate, command.
But that’s really easier as in idea than in the practical. Next week for part two I guess.
There’s always this big whoop over minimalism as a lifestyle. I mean from this blog you’d think that I’d be totally into it too. The whole clean look, simple lines, nothing crazy or bright. Maybe a lot of white, a lot of Muji, whole lot of wood on the floors, the tables, the walls. Then that simple one cup. or one pen. or one book. That’s the minimalism that we really love to glamorise.
Then the minimalist person is someone who wears a black T-shirt, denim, and white sneakers. They’re all really cleanly washed and looking really fresh. That’s the Minimalist, right?
And maybe I might be that? I wear black T-shirts and jeans; I wear white shoes; my home has Muji furnishings, and wood; I have that one cup, or pen, or book. I guess the issue would be that I have a lot of these single items, and when I say a lot, I really do mean a lot. I have Muji things, here and there. I have a few pens that I really like. I have a favourite writing book, and I have a few of them. And I wear black T-shirts too, for sure.
And that’s where my version of minimalism falls apart. I really have one or two types of items that I really like, and they’re multiplied. They cover everything that I like, and they’re exactly what I want it. I really enjoy having a huge amount of black T-shirts, because they’re all the type of T-shirt that I really want. That works really well for me. I also stopped buying a huge range of magazines, instead I have one particular magazine that I buy. I have been buying it for years, so I have the past few years worth of this magazine. It’s not minimalism, but it’s the kind of minimalism that I find myself into.
I would like to classify myself as a non-minimalist. I’m by no means a maximalist, which goes into that mass extreme of many types of many things. I think my definition of myself in the way that I collect and consider things should still contain that idea that it is minimal, meaning a lot less, but I’m not at the same time, because I have many of that one option.
If you asked me what kind of T-shirts I have, I would have to tell you that I am limited by black, and white. In recent years, I have been adding to that, because of different T-shirt offerings that I find very interesting. The other colored shirts I have were T-shirts from childhood, that I either have a strong emotional attachment to, and still “sparks joy”, or they are t-shirts that I need to have, because of work. But I do not simply join a trend and buy the hype of a Supreme or BAPE T-shirt. It’s not where I’m at. I’m a minimalist in my approach of colors that I’m choosing.
So I hope this helps you to get out of the possible shame you might be facing in having a bunch of things. I know I felt really bad having many things, and that I should get rid of it. But after much thought, and personal reflection, I know I have nothing to be ashamed about. Instead, I can be really happy of all the black t-shirts that I have. Because they’re really the best things to wear.
I used to write on my old blog years ago because I love the sound of the typing I made on the laptop. It sounds stupid then, but wow, what an opposite end of that I have now reached. I’m literally typing now just for the sound of what I’m feeling.
I’m doing this for the sound of it, I’m doing it for the feels. I’m hammering away, and thinking of what I could possibly type about, just for me to type away on a keyboard. I’m typing with Marshmallow switches by the way, which have this really interesting typing feeling. There are a few videos going through it, but I had to wait some time before getting these switches.
Just the sound of typing, and that process of thinking, and translating them immediately into words on screen. That’s really relaxing. At the same time, I also have my own preferences in how I do this for writing by hand. And I do have my different pens, inks, and papers. I do this for everything I have. I have specific jeans that I wear for certain days, I have coffees that I drink for a certain bolt of inspiration, I have a specific black T-Shirt that I wear just for days when I feel like I’m literally grinding at work (Uniqlo U Black Round Neck short sleeve T-Shirt).
The way life is lived matters a lot to me, I guess. There’s no such thing as just doing something “for the sake of it”, or if there is, then the obligation behind that is something that I treasure a lot. I don’t think we should live lives that are done “for the sake of it”, because in a large way, our parents didn’t have us for the sake of just having another human being born into the world. Even if they would say it that way, I would imagine there’s a much larger reason than that. I also think that our ideas of society enforce specific reasoning why we think and act in a certain way, so nothing is really done just because.
All these thoughts spawning out of me typing because I enjoy the feeling of typing; what a win. I’ve been thinking about typing for awhile. Not because I have anything specific that I want to say. But because I miss enjoying the feeling of just doing that something. It’s an enjoyment in that process of doing it. It’s never done for the sake of it, it’s done purposefully. It’s chosen. It’s needed. It’s what I want to do. It’s what makes me happy.
I hope you’ve done something that makes you happy today, even if it’s just wearing your socks on the right leg first, then the left. That’s not just putting on socks for the sake of it, it’s your subconscious decision to choose your right leg over your left, and that makes you happy. Try it the other way round. You really might not be that happy, but you might appreciate the way you do it regularly after that.
I think that there’s a lot to say about this. But maybe I’ll put it forward in a way that I think makes sense to me.
I’ve been on this whole keyboard tirade for the past few months. It’s slowing down now purely because I’m really maxing out my budget. I also only have one pair of hands, and that limits how much typing I can do in a day. This doesn’t mean that I’m not interested, but I’m just really slowing down to appreciate it a lot more.
So why type? What’s the deal with typing and this whole approach to it that I would pour in so much cash, and time, and effort, just to make letters appear on screen? Is there a point to it, other than just plain aesthetics?
For starters, being trained in design, I do not necessarily agree with the design choices that are presented by the majority of keyboard creators. Many use really standardized typefaces, and they sit blandly on the keycaps. Some do experiment, and they make you smile when you see the type face. One of these is Biip, and his keycap designs are always striking. They hold character.
Also that RGB, yes yes no? Or maybe no no yes? That bright bar of rainbow colored light just shooting into my eyes. I must admit it has definitely grown on me, rather than me abstaining from it. I used to turn it off immediately when the underglow would start. The stark brightness that just doesn’t make sense. What’s the design problem that they were trying to solve? That dark tables needed lighting? The Apple keyboards had shine through and that works for us great, I think? But there it is, just sitting there, glowing now on the very keyboard I am typing on.
So what’s the point? Hitting the keys on this chunky bulk, instead of the wireless light taps that we make on the modern keyboard attached to our laptops, or the bluetooth keyboards that are stuck magnetically to our tablet screens. What is the draw?
I would say preference is the draw. Preference is this word referring to the hot mess of “I’ll do me, you’ll do you”. Preference dictates that gaudy colors shooting out as you type is okay, because that’s what you like. That’s you doing you. Preference means that I don’t have to stick with the shine-through of the Apple Keyboards. Preference is what makes it work.
Preference pops up quite often in our lives. We have preferences in the way phones that we use. We have preferences in the colors and looks of the clothing that we put on. Preferences also lie between the choices of what kind of utensils, even though fine dining has its set rules. Preferences mean that for some of my meals, I would just like to have a cheese burger please. It means that for others, they would have a salad instead. This means to say that, in the way I am choosing to type, I am choosing to type based on the preference I have at the moment.
This choice is arbitrary. I would like to say it is not logical. There is no logic to why someone would choose one keyboard preference over another, the same way why we have no “logic” to what clothes we choose to wear. We might have programmed a routine, but to assign a general color to the public sounds completely ridiculous. I am choosing to type with a NovelKey Cream switch, because I can, and I choose to. I like the sound it makes today. I might not feel this way tomorrow, but we can work it out then. I like the options that I can have with mechanical keyboards, and the world just feels better a little bit.
Just like the expensive running shoes that I had bought to get me started on running, I feel the need to type a lot more when I have a nice keyboard beneath my fingertips. I feel the need to also be accurate, and to type really fast so that the noise of the clacks just ring into my ears. It just snaps so well.
I have other sounds to liken it to, like the sound of skateboarding on tiled floors. The sound of rain when it hits a piece of cloth. The sound of coffee beans grinding in a hand grinder. The sound of a hi hat in a drum beat. The sound of rhythm, the sound of a beat. But this beat just taps its way around and on your fingers. There’s no need for fidgeting; you’re already letting your fingers dance on an exciting dance floor.
Because of all that, my happy fingers would like to tell you, that this is why I type, and why I type on a mechanical keyboard.
So! Here we are, at the start of another year. I think I wrote a lot more this year than in previous years, and it’s pretty nice. They even have some fancy updates for the WordPress stock templates, which is So Much Easier for me. I don’t like to think through these things about websites and all that much anymore. That being said, I think coding is still a pretty fun thing to get started with. Maybe it could be something that I get more into in the months to come.
Or maybe I just get used to the things that I already have coming. I have built a few too many keyboards for someone who just got into the Mechanical Keyboard hobby in three months. If you are reading this, and you’re interested, hit me up on Instagram and we can make something happen.
I’ve been writing little reviews of keyboard things on my discord channel, which is meant for other things but the only thing actually active is keyboard discussions. At this point, I would call it an unhealthy obsession, but that would be admitting that I have an issue with keyboards. The horrors of the truth are reasons why ignorance will always be bliss.
Maybe I do read a bit too much about keyboards. I have honestly watched so many reviews and listened to so many typing tests that I can honestly tell you the sound profiles that I like. I can also tell you how I feel having been typing or trying to touch type for the past few months. I still hit my backspace with my ring finger instead of my pinky. And my letter B with my right hand instead of my left. The things you find out when you get into split keyboards.
But I think one of the biggest learning points for me is really the way that life works. The “Needs” vs the “wants”. Things that are good to have, or things that are nice to have, and how all that plays for us in everyday life. Sometimes, we keep waiting, or hoping for the best things to appear, but the biggest lesson I’ve learnt is how The Best is something totally preferential.
So this year starts with a clack, not a bang. It starts small, consistently, and builds itself around. Last year was such a year to find out about myself, and this year won’t be much different, I imagine. Life will remain somewhat mysterious for myself, and we will eventually get through it.
Maybe I’ll post some pictures of my keyboard builds here. I currently have not posted them on social media for long, only for stories. The therapy of building a keyboard can really suck me away for hours on end.
Another maybe, I might start writing stories to place here. I used to write on Medium, or on my own spaces. But maybe now, I’ll house them here, and maybe even do some graphics to go with. We’ll see how that goes.
also subscribe to my youtube if you haven’t already.
Learning is so difficult, and yet we never stop. But sometimes learning how to do something is one of the most frustrating experiences to go through.
Today, I fiddled with one of my keyboards in an attempt to desolder it. I had killed my last board whilst desoldering, and I was trying my best not to repeat that process today. I spent the past few days watching all sorts of videos on desoldering, in hope that the visual learning would impact the actual way that I could do it.
It didn’t help. Maybe it did, but in my mind, it could have gone a lot better. Maybe if I had a better set of equipment, I would be able to apply my learning better. I will be receiving some new equipment soon, after the Black Friday buys of the week before. Maybe then my practical work would improve.
But learning how to do something is so hard.
Learning how to care for people is even harder. You would think that being human, you would all be the same, but everyone is different. In fact, everyone is so different that labels should really not be applied. There is no same way that everyone sees the world. Instead, we see it through the lens that we see. Our parents, who nurtured our lens, see the world completely different from us.
And it’s hard to learn to love, because I would give and take love so differently from other people. My wife is my good and able volunteer in this, and we learn from each other. We know this, and we acknowledge it, through our marriage.
But what about strangers, or friends? We only have our simple bond or agreement over something, and nothing more. Can we still learn to love?
I have no answers. I see and watch what people recommend, through books, through movies, through podcasts, through all forms of recorded communication, but nothing is the same as the every day interactions that I have. I have my wife, who sharpens me, and trains me to be a better communicator, and a better person who loves. But that makes me only the best person for my wife. I still need to practice and be a better friend to many more people.
So learning how to is just difficult as a whole. And yet, we can be much better people at the end of it. I like that, and I look forward to seeing myself in a better place after the years have gone by.
There are some days when I wake up and think about all the random projects that I have done, even this blog. And I wonder why or who am I writing all this for? There might be one or two people coming in to read, or to see because they were linked to it from before, but really, it’s not that much.
So at the end of the day, I’m making for me. Am I interested in the things that I’m making? Because if I’m not, then what’s going to to keep me going in the stuff that I do? Because of that, I find that my content that I created is very closely linked to the hobbies that I’m interested in doing. I don’t have that deep drive that pushes just because. I would like that yes, but I find that my hobbies push my content, and along with that, when I feel like I have nothing I’m wholeheartedly interested about, I don’t create anything.
I enjoy the processing of making things. I really do. I like putting my thoughts out on these posts; I really like drawing and seeing lines form an image; it’s therapeutic. Maybe its cathartic. It’s the feelings of excitement deep down inside me that is spilling over, and I desperately want tell everyone everything that I currently know about the topic that I’m reading up about.
And at the same time, I only want to tell me. I want to hear myself saying the things that I already know, and I want to see what I have been thinking about, and to applaud myself a job well done. I have become my own echo chamber, and honestly I’m quite okay with that. Because at the end of the day, if I do work that is for someone else’s approval, I end up being reliant on people for what they think.
But I think I really just need to finish the Seth Godin book about Tribes. It might be great to find my tribe. Until then, I’ll just be making for me.
Just Do It, but not really. It’s hard to get started, its hard to make yourself get going. In fact, it’s down right not logical. Why would anyone want to work? It’s hard. It’s easy to lie down and just stay asleep or just stare into nothingness, because even TV dramas put you through such difficult times in their emotional ups and downs.
So what gets me going? I think it sounds silly, but this very simple idea of superficial motivation. My clothes, the choice of food, the keyboard I use, the shoes I wear, these things add up. It sounds silly, considering that we are supposed to be working towards this sense of being really functional human being with no emotional swings, but hey, who cares about logical conclusions when your logic tells you that there’s no point working so hard just to die eventually?
So I choose to live everyday, and to live it in the way that I am not stressed about, and instead, I have my best experience every day. I have the best experience typing, I have the best experience walking around in the shoes that I enjoy, I am able to carry a bag that I chose and packed together.
I think that’s my current state of mind, I’m really happy to just be here and enjoy the everyday part of life. The sounds of typing motivate me in my work. I feel energised to do something productive, to make sense of my words. My increase in posts here is really because of that. I honestly don’t care if any one or no one reads, but I’m writing this because I want to, and I enjoy it.
That’s me today. Might not be me tomorrow, but I’m good with this.
My thoughts were after this video:and this one:
How do you talk to someone who doesn’t understand where you’re coming from? Is the point that you need to push across that important? Maybe it is, and maybe it isn’t but I think many times, miscommunication is really a matter of pride and ego. Thank the stoics for their high objectivity, and their reminders of where to place the self in an argument or discussion. If one is misunderstood, where or what should one think or feel after? Should one reach compromise or settle at misunderstanding?
My thoughts is that the one being misunderstood needs to accept his misunderstood statements, and realize that the world might not ever understand him at his face value. Does this change the way that the world responds to him? It does not. But it does mean that he has no burden to carry towards the misunderstanding. He knows and expects it. He is understanding that the world will most probably misunderstand, unless he clearly explains himself. More than that, there is a necessity to explain himself clearly all the time, because of the expected misunderstanding.
But it doesn’t end there. He is more likely to get misunderstood all over again. Even though he is explaining more, and trying to make sense even more. That feeling and that processing is difficult, because the explanations themselves are misunderstood.
And that is where the misunderstood person needs to accept that no one will understand him completely, and its okay. For those that do understand, that’s a great plus point, and friendships can be forged over understanding. For those who don’t understand, that’s also great, because friendships can also be forged over misunderstanding. More time can be spent to help understand people, instead of understanding points.
This would be immensely more valuable, and honestly, it might help understanding.
Like really it is. 2020 has been a crazy year, by anyone’s measure. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been living under a rock, because at this point, I think the world is hoping that everyone does live under a rock. It would help to lower the rampant COVID numbers in the world. We had pegged so many things to this year, it was Olympics, it was having a whole range of activities, and like exciting climaxes, and yet, almost none of them took place. Where does that leave us? Are we okay, that almost nothing happened?
One key thing that I learnt to question: Why haven’t you done whatever you had aimed to do today? Do you actually think that you have any control over tomorrow? In that vein, why do you think you have tomorrow in the first place?
If anything I learnt, it was to work on whatever I could today. I don’t mean to say that my days were in tip top condition, that I was ultra productive. In fact, it was most probably the other way around instead. I found myself struggling to do anything because I felt that I wasn’t going to make a dent in the universe.
But that’s also a large learning, what can you, as a single person, do to make any dent in the world at all? We can’t make sense of it, and instead, we find ourselves two weeks behind on a workout plan. Maybe it even hit a few months since you cleaned up your house.
So why seize today if it doesn’t matter, or if it doesn’t change?
Because it does, eventually. Whether we liked it or not, we are at the end of 2020. Time moved ahead, even though we struggled to deal with it. If you haven’t exercised, then there’s a high chance that you’re in a different shape from how you started this year as. Seize today, because it might slip, and you would find that you wouldn’t stay still. You would continue to grow, and grow into a person that you might not like all that well.
Do something today, and not wait for tomorrow, because tomorrow might not have the same environment that today has. Don’t plan huge yearly plans that flop, but just make today count a little bit. No dents, but its that little push every day that gets the piano across the room.
That’s what I tell myself anyway.
Some days start off real good. Some days get really funky, and you have no idea why. I think its because everyone has days when they just need a bit of that. You know? That… fizz? That… sense of excitement? It’s just unknown and yet every one knows that days can get really long and arduous without them.
I find mine snacks, sweet or savory. That perk me up, no matter what my diet might be at that time. Sometimes its not food, because no matter how much I’ve eaten, I’m still listless. That’s when I tend to get into a new hobby. I dive deep, and find myself broke (financially) on the other side.
Whatever you might call it, you know you need it. It’s kinda human, it’s kinda like gluttony. But its best we know what it is, so that we can give ourselves weekly doses of whatever we might call it. So that we can get ourselves going on our lives just fine.
I actually started a discord just for me to write about keyboards in. I feel like there’s way too much in my brains that goes on and on about keyboards all day long. I feel things like touch typing as important, I feel that the way we press things needs to be well experienced. That finger push that could make your day just that little bit happier, and maybe its all just placebo. But is it really, if I’ve spent so long on it? Just like how people spend so long looking at finance, and making a big deal out of paper that is noted. I’m just looking at an item that I need to make, and not trust some governmental agency to dictate its price for.
What a world we live in, where mechanical keyboards in its true complexity has made my jam. What a world indeed.
Major learning about keyboard life this week: an ergonomic split keyboard can include a lot more functionality than a full size keyboard. This is because most ergos have more specialization in their build.
Today’s writing is brought to you by:
Tokyo60, with Drop Invyr Holy Panda Switches, and SA 9009 Keycaps. The sound and pressing is really such a great feel. I am enjoying every bit of this post.
where you really just don’t know what’s exactly going on.
I think I’ve dived into too many hobbies at this point, and yet, I feel quite bored about them all, and extremely excited at the same time. This year of COVID and the whole break from society gave me a bunch of things to do, and a lot for myself to process. I really enjoyed doing the artist way this year, and I got into tapes, into vinyls, into CDs again, and now I’m into mechanical keyboards. I really think that there’s so much that one can do in a life, and I think I’m hitting a number of them at one time.
Honestly, I’m writing this post because I’m done doing typing tests for today, and I wanted something to put on the site, because I haven’t posted anything for ages. Plus, I really wanted to type.
Why do we love and hate the way life is portrayed on Terrace House?
There’s a great ideal that we think of when we watch Terrace House.
For those who have not been exposed to it yet, Terrace House is a Japanese Reality TV show, where a total of six guests live together. A beautiful house, and beautiful cars are provided. It is a combination of three guys, and three girls. There is no script. This is clearly stated at the start of every episode, and the houses they live in really are beautiful.
The guests are known as “members” of the house. Each member has a certain lifestyle, and most of the time, they have unique quirks that make them either very approachable, or just leaves you wondering why and how they got onto the show. There is no monetary awards, it is just the plain experience of living together with other people. Members usually come in with an objective of some sort. The most common one is to find love, or a partner. Another one is to become famous, or more honed in their craft. After the member reaches that objective, they can either stay on for a new reason, or leave, “graduate”.
We like it because I think we try to find our own parallels to life. We think our own lives are similar in some way. Perhaps it’s a tool for us to be more aware of who we are as people, and what we hope for ourselves to do.
And yet, when shows like Terrace House are revealed to be scripted, we are saddened, and question the point of a reality TV show that isn’t real. But at the same time, we know our own lives are not that dramatic. We know that we watch that show because it seems to be this dream state. And when it is proven as it is a dream, we hate it. We are offended by that lie told by the producers of the show.
But we knew from the start, that that’s not what our own lives are. We knew that it was going to be a better version of our lives, and not our life on screen for sure. Because who would want to watch our own lives on screen right? What’s the point of that?
And yet, we hope and looked at Terrace House with anticipation. Maybe this group of people would have it better than us “naturally”. But it turned out not to be that way. And we’re disappointed.
So we go back to our Korean Dramas, because at least there we know we don’t have to carry hope. We know that it’s just fiction, and nothing there is real. But Terrace House, sigh, how you teased us.
Thank you for all the memories. I really enjoyed hoping, and dreaming that life would possibly be the crazy dream that you showed. Otsukaresama deshita.
Sometimes when you’re just doing your own thing and trying to cruise on in life, and then something comes along and derails your concentration and the state of peace that you’ve worked so hard to achieve. Sometimes we consider that as a small bump, but some other times, it is as if someone had wronged you from birth. What defines that differences, and how do you manage or cope with your feelings?
I find myself struggling with that very often. How do I feel, and why do I feel so unjustly treated? There are many other things in the world that are more important, and there are a lot more things for me to feel and be involved about. Yet, if someone texts me in a vague or passive aggressive way, my heart beats as if I’m about to enter a fight. My focus is thrown off for a good half an hour or so, and I get no work done. Does the other person even mean what they say? Maybe not, maybe it was just a passing statement that should be forgotten as quickly as it was mentioned. But it just digs and digs, and the frustrations build.
Point is: when we are struck with a frustrating situation that we can’t do much about, how do we get out of it? I’m testing some range of ways
I used to write about it a lot more often. I would get bumped on the train, and I would glance at the person to just see how the person looked like, and then I start a fan fiction of this person’s life. I pretend to write prophetically, declaring death and damnation on this bump, and the person might bump me again getting out. Which leads to chapter 2.
But growing older, the writing helps me process what my own thoughts are. What am I really feeling? Should I be feeling this way? And if I should be feeling this way, and everything is truly in the right, then I need to find a resolution with the person somehow. It might not be easy, but it is actually the next step.
Having another person process through thoughts with you is great. I find myself being greatly relieved when I talk to someone about what I think. I also feel better when my self-righteousness is justified muhaha.
But jokes aside, it does help to know if your emotions were properly placed. Am I really responding or feeling correctly? If I’m not, then I better start doing something internally to change. It wouldn’t hurt, but it would improve me greatly. I could only get better out of this frustration, and it would build me as a person. This is a great point, but you would also need someone who is wise to help you talk through your thoughts and thinking. Asking a random person, or a yes man, would not help, but instead increase your own ego.
Sometimes, you just gotta let it go. It was just a bump, it was just a miscommunicated text, it’s just not worth holding on to it. Be as frustrated as you want to be, but you have to just know that there’s more to life than being affected by these things.
It might be cleared up quickly when you actually meet the person face to face, or to talk about it on the phone. But don’t rush things, because perhaps it was really just something misunderstood.
These thoughts are more to help myself think through my own frustrations. And it’s something I’m trying to keep as a reference to myself, so that I remember what I’m going through now. How would I advise myself back in 2 weeks time? And I think most parts of me would say that I could have used that time so much better.
So instead of being angry, and not doing my work properly, I’ve spent an hour writing about how I feel, and how I would want to tell myself how to deal with it. It feels much better than being distracted, wasting my time. Which honestly is my personal biggest frustration with myself.
There was always this apprehension as we got older that it’s harder to go back into school, especially after working for a few years. I had asked a bunch of people what their thoughts on that were, and they expressed that it was just harder to learn, harder to capture certain ideas as we aged.
I wonder two things:
What were hard ideas that they struggled to understand?
With no intention to sound boastful, or that I know completely everything, which I obviously don’t, I think that it’s an innate fear that we grew up with. I say this from my own experience in the past half a year studying.
When I was younger, and I was told to study, I found myself so afraid, and anxious about studying. I was afraid I wouldn’t learn things well enough to score, I was afraid that the way I was learning would be wrong, and that I would apply my understanding incorrectly. School was not nice about it either, I did not do well, for all the memory regurgitation. On other subjects they needed an argument of sorts, that needed to be written into a British format that made it easier for everyone to read. But guess what, I didn’t do any of that, and I failed horribly at many subjects that I might have actually enjoyed, without the fear.
But when I entered into university, I found myself enjoying the studying process, because I was learning what I wanted to learn. I enjoyed it, I didn’t ask how or why this topic would fall into regular everyday life. And it was all good.
Now entering into bible school, I carried some anxiety, because it wasn’t all I wanted to learn, and I wasn’t sure if I agreed with some of the methodology, or the pedagogy. And yet, here I am, happy to be learning once more. It has been great fun.
So my thoughts on the apprehension of studying older, would be that we’ve wrongly assumed what it meant to study, and studying might not be as tiresome as it could be.
What about hard ideas?
I think ideas are difficult any age we are in. Children struggle with the idea of a mouth and how to place food inside it. Teenagers struggle with the idea of punctuality, and commitment, and just leave everything to chance, as per divine whim and fancy of a emotional god. Adults actually struggle the most, with making the world around them, the world that they were told it should be.
We know that the world never turns out the way that it should, and we know that no matter what our plans are, sometimes things just don’t turn how the way they should. Could that be because of something? Could it be misunderstood? We are always not sure, and we can never really be sure. What our children will be like, will any of our friends leave us tomorrow, will we even wake up tomorrow? We are formed by a lot of what expect, and sometimes learning makes us questions these things that we expect.
So I think hard ideas are ideas that are hard to accept as truths, because we need to relearn about the world around us. It doesn’t mean that we’re not learning, but we’re not agreeing internally about what we learn. And that’s okay.
So is it easy to study when you’re older?
I think it’s important not to assume that we know answers to anything, even the answer to this question. Some people might agree that it is easier, because you know more already. Others would use that exact argument, on the flip side, as I have. It is harder because you need to unlearn so much already.
But in this modern society, we are always given the space to question the teacher now, and we can ask, I know this from real life, why is your answer correct? This would help us to learn, instead of just rejecting a teachers answer straight up.
Every year, around this time, I’m reminded that I have a website, and that i should totally utilize it a lot more than I have been so far.
This doesn’t mean that I don’t know that i don’t use it, I know that I don’t use it. And i feel horrible that i just don’t post here as often.
So I’m scheduling a bunch of posts based on some thoughts I’ve been having and I’ll just leave them here until I’m somewhere coherent with how it will turn out.
I have recently been learning about hermeneutics. I learnt about understanding the original message and how it translates to us today, in our modern understanding. During my classes, I was given a chance to explore a passage of my own choice, and I chose Isaiah 6 to look at.
There is a parallel drawn between Isaiah and King Uzziah. One being a normal person, and another being a King. One claiming to be unworthy, and another claiming to be holy. One was touched by a burning coal, and became cleansed, and another touched by God and became a leper. The parallel lines draw show God’s hand in those who claim their own pride, and those who acknowledge their unworthiness before God.
Kanye West has been a rapper on my mind for the years past. In the early years of Medium, many music writers wrote about Ye’s greatest album, greatest tracks, and what makes his music so great. By the release of The Life of Pablo, I was a fan. I knew the lyrics, and the beats, and I knew the self proclaiming message he stood behind. My question was, would he ever meet God, and what would he say then.
Now, in 2019, Kanye West, along with Justin Bieber, and Shia Lebouf, proclaims about his faith in a loud and passionate way. The difference is that Bieber and Lebouf don’t carry the same cultural creative clout that Kanye does. In his political uncorrectness, he proudly voted for Trump in 2016. He was unfollowed by many friends, all this happening months after Kim’s kidnapping in Paris, and Kanye’s own mental breakdown after that. In this time, Kanye’s search for meaning seemed to have started.
In his Letterman interview, on Netflix, Kanye positions himself as a Christian, or someone aware of who God was. By the release of Jesus is King, Kanye, in multiple interviews states how God is using him. He can’t plan far anymore, because “it’s up to God”. He claims he is like Nebuchadnezzar, being taken down from the height of his own greatness.
For my link between Isaiah, and Kanye, you need to assume yourself as a creative. In my personal view of my own work, everything I have done, I feel is bad, and I feel that I would never touch it again. I might like some of it, but most of it, I dislike, and I wonder how I even came to that. Kanye, on the other hand, could perform his entire album (808’s and Heartbreak) live, and according to album sequencing, years after the album was made. His trust in his own work was sky high, and he knew it was good.
But the “Ye” (I hate being bipolar, it’s awesome)” sits there, as an acknowledgement of his own mental instability. He’s not sure anymore, I feel. He starts Sunday Service some time after that, as a place of healing, through the lights, and through the music. A pastor is placed in, and God speaks to Kanye in this time.
My view is this: for a self righteous artist like Kanye to admit his uncertainty in his music, is his own proclamation of his unworthiness. He does not think he deserves it. I would agree that Nebuchadnezzar would be more fitting an illustration, and Kanye himself stands behind that illustration.
Parallel aside, what is it about Kanye that makes him familiar, likeable, or just someone to pay attention to? To me, it is his honesty in his expression. The artist who speaks to himself, and tells himself what he thinks. The voice in his own head is the one that he speaks aloud, and as people who hide what we feel, we see his actions as bold, daring, and very interesting. We are intrigued because he lives an extensive celebrity life, doing whatever he wishes, and we are wishing to do the same. Could we one day? Perhaps sooner than later, and perhaps we already are living life the way we want to. Safely, away from the public eye. God forbid we become like Kanye, having to deal with the media, and the focus.
But that really drives the question, if the world’s cameras are on us, and tracking our Christian stories, would we be faring better or worse than Kanye? In this very specific story, God has indeed called him to fame, and called him to repentance and salvation. If he shies away from the cameras and media, would he be like the Christian who leaves his job in a bank, or as a doctor, and immediately goes to serve in the missionary service? What kind of expectations have we misinformed ourselves about the celebrities who have become Christians, in their celebrity state?
When a Christian celebrity falls, we talk about it. We wonder why God leads people this way and that. But when a celebrity becomes a Christian, we question it. We wonder if this person even know who God is, and we doubt.
Perhaps the Christian community could reflect on the refrain from Kanye’s song, Hands On:
“What have you been hearin’ from the Christians?
They’ll be the first one to judge me
Make it feel like nobody love me”
I’m praying for Kanye, and praying for Christians to be loving in their responses, and for the Church to be ready for God to speak to a lot more people. Let us not be the older brother in the prodigal son parable. Let’s rejoice when our brother returns.
The last time I wrote something here was in Dec 2017, and I think with a constant influx of new people clicking through my site, it would be great to update something.
First, I’ve been actively doing Inktobers every year.
Inktober is a month of daily drawing in October, and after the first year of trying to follow the list of suggestions, I’ve just been doing themes that I enjoyed. I’ve done shoes last year, and this year I’m doing Kanye West’s clothing line, Yeezy. It’s not the easiest project to approach, but you would need a lot of time, and a subject or theme with enough pictures to give you some consistency for 31 days.
Secondly, I’ve been having a lot more conversations and interactions on Instagram Stories.
Where previously, Instagram posts were the place for comments and discussions, Instagram stories have been my go to these days. Comments, opinions, thoughts, and random posts from the day, are on my feed, and you could follow me there to see what I’m up to.
Thirdly, my urban sketching has been very low key.
I haven’t had time to join for the range of outings, because of a busy schedule (explained shortly). I’ve also been more intentional in drawing on my iPad, or just for myself and my own appreciation. After reading a lot more about the artists of old, there is a good place to just have art that I would enjoy making on my own.
Fourth, most importantly, I’ve gotten married this year!
I was married in June, to my beautiful wife, Clarice. We went for our honeymoon in Osaka, and Kyoto, and currently we are living on our own, while waiting for our BTO (Built To Order) apartment, that will be ready in 2021.
A lot of these art projects were started with her prompting, and encouragement. She has been a great source of strength for times when my thoughts fight against me. Being newly wed, I’m also learning how to love my wife the best way possible, and at the same time, learning how to express myself as a husband.
Lastly, I’ve been in Singapore Bible College, and will be there for a year.
I wasn’t sure if I would have ever said this out loud, but I thought it would be interesting to see how people would think and react to this. I am studying Intercultural Studies, for a graduate diploma. I picked this course because of the type of things that I would get to learn, about other cultures, about people types. I find myself looking forward to classes, and I am very excited to write more intentionally in the future. Hopefully, if everything goes well, I might be able to share better the aspects of culture that I think more people can be educated about, and what I can update about my views of youth culture and art culture too.
I’ll try my best to update here often, bi-weekly if possible, if not monthly.
Leave a thought for me to reply you about! I would love to hear what any of you think. 🙂
Christmas rushing is always a thing for the year end. It’s so exciting running around shops, hunting for the best discounts that match your friend or family the best. I lose myself at the shelf of red tags stating a large cut from the original price, picking and repicking the items that I was looking for.
And every year it ends, with me looking at the gift bills, and now with clarice, at least I’ve got her to consider the amounts of money with. Last night we sat down at my table just going throught the costs, and watching the rain on the end of the day and night.
Does life always work on that adrenaline high, where we really rush and get something done, and then we wait for the next thing to look forward to? I know I love the rush because of events and work and stuff. I feel this need for consistency, like the daily something that I had just wrote about before this. I don’t like the drop, so I’d rather have the rush all the time. The only thing about that is that my energy would deplete really quickly.
Let’s see how things go in the coming year, and I’ll be looking forward to just writing once a day, or just doing something every day.
24 hours in a day is too little. Yes, wildly known fact.
But the hardest part I find is that my passion level in each interest grows or wanes everyday. For example, last week I really wanted to run. And I still kinda do.
But today, I awoke and hey, there’s time for a run but I just didn’t feel like running. Instead I drew, and I was quite happy drawing. I watched videos, arranged and organized things, no running or exercise at all. And it was fine. Then I watched some skate videos and felt the same lack of interest.
The funny thing is that maybe a month or more ago, it was the complete opposite. I was eating up anything skate related at all, and all my efforts were trying to get skateboarding as a priority. Sketching and watercoloring were just things to do so that I could skate around.
So I really wonder, when and at what time will it stabilize itself? Will there always be a passion conflict for all interests? Or will it all work itself out together?
Something.
Anything.
After the daily challenges, of lettering and of sketching/inking, I’m feeling the laziness hit me. It’s like when I stopped running, I could feel myself still able to do a 12k run easy, but the physical toll after would be some effort recovering.
I can draw okay, I just really need to focus. I need to see the shapes and colors and pull them out the same way I did when I did it everyday.
I can letter okay, but to make it really pop and look professionally acceptable, I need to do it slowly or practice 100 more times than if I were doing it everyday.
I can think okay, I can process about right. But it takes effort too. I used to write a lot better especially when presentations are due and I’ve got to be eloquent enough for people to understand.
So something, just anything, everyday.
Hope you’re ready, cause I’m not.
I keep forgetting to post on this blog often. It’s not really meant to be like a serious thought process, but more to let you know I’m a legit person, thinking through legit things, and the artwork that I do create comes from a place of thought and intentional developement.
Some heavy influences over the past year:
Kim Jung Gi / Virgil Abloh / Paul Heaston / Sinix / Casey Neistat / Tony Chua / Lin Chan / Mateusz Urbanowicz / Jake Parker
Ideas and thoughts usually come from all over the place whenever I’m thinking through, and I’m usually quite apprehensive as I approach the actual artwork and developement. I’m not that confident, and I really need the psyching up.
Just a reflection of the time past, I’ve been stuffing myself with so much art and drawing videos. Video in the morning, some motivational stuff later in the day, and a lot of it just goes through the importance of Practice. It gets you more comfortable, your strokes get more developed and its just generally easier to start whenever you see a blank page. I’m no where near a pro level of just pen to paper and a masterpiece is there. The sponatiety of just doing something in pen straight is something I’ve always enjoyed, so there’s always a need to take some steps back to assess how I’ve drawn so far, and how much more I want to try and learn and get better. The pen kinda forces you to just do it. You need to make a mark, and that mark can’t really fail. Its just what you turn it into next, how do you draw it out, and that’s the part that makes the huge difference.
The practice, practices, sweating under the sun, everything related to rehearsing the line, can’t just be kept as practice. it’s live every time, you’re really doing it. The more leeway you give yourself to think that it’s okay to not do that piece so well, you lose the edge that boosts you to learn and try harder. Or at least thats the mentality that I take with me on the drawings. And thats why my artwork turns out the sketchy way it does, because in my practice, I’m just going ahead with it.
And if I bail, I just hope it looks good.
I’ll talk more about influences next time. Hopefully soon, before I forget to again. lol.
The past two months of drawing and writing challenges have been quite crazy. I haven’t imagined myself even posting up that much on Instagram, neither have I thought of myself ever painting in front of people. Painting was and is actually something very private to myself, and its something that I do when in deep thought or struggle.
But interestingly enough, drawing, illustrating, creating these sketches on ink and paper is something that draws some attention? Yes, I do the hashtags and all that, Yes I try to understand myself better through the processes. And I think I’ve come to understand some things about myself.
I don’t think I’m a great person who pushes myself a lot. Yes I like to keep busy, but I enjoy that thrill of managing a schedule. However, what comes out of that schedule is not always quantifiable. Dinners with friends are priceless, I cannot think of any better way to build friendship than time over a meal. But meetings on end, and things that might not happen overnight. My “instant generation” personality kicks in, and sometimes I really want to see something here and now. Maybe not even here and now, but when I look back on my 2017, I’ve made a lot of things this year. Maybe it took me all of 2016 to prepare for, but I’m quite in awe of how God has led me through all this.
But God. I don’t have any way to describe what I understand, other than everything is in His time. Will you be able to read these words on a screen tomorrow? Will you be breathing, thinking, trying to defend control ideas, just in 5 minutes time? or are you taking that for granted?
I don’t give up on my plans, I don’t just sit there and hope God would fish me out of earth into heaven. I still do everything as much as I can. I practice my art; I think, I eat, I buy; I exercise, and try to get fit. I don’t let go of things, I’m just realising that I don’t need to get upset, angry about many things, because God’s in charge. He has his time. He has his plan. And man, who are you to demand anything different? We’re not robots, but if you could control food to train a pet to do tricks, you know that giving in too much would spoil a pet. Even tamagotchis teach kid this. Why do we think we deserve our control, when every time we try to control something, it flies so badly out of control. We mess other people up. We make mistakes.
And its a deep thought to draw (pun), but in these months of drawing, lettering, painting, that’s what I realise. Tough.
Referenced from my instagram post, about the freedom where the spirit of the Lord is:
Are we beginning to commend ourselves again? Or do we need, as some, letters of commendation to you or from you? You are our letter, written in our hearts, known and read by all men; being manifested that you are a letter of Christ, cared for by us, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.
Such confidence we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God, who also made us adequate as servants of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.
But if the ministry of death, in letters engraved on stones, came with glory, so that the sons of Israel could not look intently at the face of Moses because of the glory of his face, fading as it was, how will the ministry of the Spirit fail to be even more with glory? For if the ministry of condemnation has glory, much more does the ministry of righteousness abound in glory. For indeed what had glory, in this case has no glory because of the glory that surpasses it. For if that which fades away was with glory, much more that which remains is in glory.
Therefore having such a hope, we use great boldness in our speech, and are not like Moses, who used to put a veil over his face so that the sons of Israel would not look intently at the end of what was fading away. But their minds were hardened; for until this very day at the reading of the old covenant the same veil remains unlifted, because it is removed in Christ. But to this day whenever Moses is read, a veil lies over their heart; but whenever a person turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit.
(2 Corinthians 3:1-18, NASB)
Context of Moses:
Moses was the leader of the Israelite people during the years in the desert after they left Egypt. He received the 10 commandments from God, atop Mount Sinai. After spending 40 days on the mountain, with God, Moses came down glowing, radiating the glory of God. He was shining and the people were afraid to approach him, so he wore a veil as he talked to them.
Read through exodus 19-34 for a rough idea, or those two chapters to understand the place as whole.
Easy link right HERE – bible gateway
I had left this title here in 2017, but I honestly can’t remember what I was starting again. But I think this is a very good tittle to still use, one way or another. I’m writing this on the 1st of August 2021.
Every day is a chance to start again. Every time I sit down at the computer to write, every time I pick up my phone, every opportunity I get, it’s a chance to do something new. That’s a real self help kinda line to say, but I think there’s a great truth to it. I don’t think that everyone can say that confidently but I think that as humans, we have to try to make a difference somehow.
I feel that starting again is something that a lot of people feel resistance against. It’s hard to start again, especially when everything is all weird. It’s hard, because we’re not okay with things changing often. But what if change is the constant? What if we can get used to things changing all the time?
I’m kidding, it’s never easy. It never gets easier. In fact, I find it harder and harder every time. At some point, you’d think that you’d be more comfortable making some tough decision better, or you’d be able to think quicker or something. But it’s really not easy. I say this, thinking about the amount of times I decided not to draw, because I keep thinking that it’s so hard to just get started.
I’ve prevented myself from trying to start again too often. And I think this time of blogging, especially spurred on with a sick keyboard, has given me a novelty kick in the butt. I feel so inspired to keep on going, to keep on starting again and again everyday, just because I can. I don’t really dislike this experience right now, but there are many other areas I wish I could just inspire myself to start again.
Maybe that’s for tomorrow’s Joel to find out, but today’s Joel is indeed very happy to write first. Maybe it’ll be drawing Joel again tomorrow, spurred on by a new pen, or a new brush, or new ink even.
Maybe tomorrow’s Joel will be one that starts anew with a person that I’ve been struggling to communicate with. Maybe it’ll be a project that I’ve been dragging my feet to start with. We’ll find out tomorrow.
Today’s Joel: Very Happy writing once again. Thankfully I can pull up old titles to help me get going.
Goodnight World.
One question I don’t always ask myself is, who will continue what I’m going to do. How will it continue to the people after me, and be the next thing that people do, or pick up? It’s been a question in my mind after spending time listening to the range of entreprenuer audio books, like Shoe Dog by Phil Knight, or currently listening to Steve Jobs by Isaac Walterson.
I found that both of them use very interesting approaches at their early years. Phil Knight, being an athlete himself, held some part of team dynamics and a dependency on the people around him from his intial years. He constantly saw the people around him as the community and the culture of what eventually became Nike. Steve Jobs, on the other hand, seemed to be quite a unique individual, who prided himself on himself. The people that was placed around him seemed to be out of obligation or need. It didn’t seem that he would have thought of having someone else around, until he saw that they could do something better than he did. Both ways, the companies now don’t have their original leader and it left me wondering, does their founders’ legacy remain? I can safely say that Nike still produces in the same vein or heart of Phil Knight’s original team of people, aiming to change the game always. But I don’t know about Jobs, as Apple seems to be declining in its innovation (Lack of an iPod or iPhone in this current generation).
As I considered my own work and my own personality, I related more to Jobs, in my individualistic search for my own meaning in life. I feel that many times, the things I do are things that no one else would do. Remembering the times in Army where I picked up two appointments, I took that responsibility out of need. But at the same time, I knew then and I still know that I had a great team that could balance out the ambition of the bosses. I just needed to keep them in check. In that aspect I related to Phil Knight more. Maybe it was this willingness to try that makes a lot of what I do seem hard to replicate.
I guess the all important question that would affect this post writing the most is, what is my view of God’s leadership/continuity of work? In the writings of Paul to Timothy, there’s a sense of continuing and teaching the next generation. The vision of what happens doesn’t die with Paul or Tim, neither does it die with the people after them. I would like to think that God is the one that continues that work, not the ability or skill of Paul or Timothy, though God did work through them in a mind blowing way. Referencing the older kings of Israel in the Old Testament, someone like King David did an even worse job, as his kids started a revolt against him, and yet God promised him an everlasting kingdom after that.
Does the world we live in now have a space for a King that lasts forever? How do I deal with this concept of doing a good work that someone else can take over, and yet understand that if I choose not to, God will still raise someone to take over me?
At the end of the day, I always feel that if God has placed something in my heart to start doing, I need to do it to the best of my abilities, and teach those near me to do the same. With that, I would have done my part, and I would continue to leave the rest to God to finish. After all, I am just human.
Did the abstraction miss its point, in the intended emotional response?
On a return trip, however, I actually avoided the Rothko, for fear of dealing with an intended response from the artwork. It was as if the piece was standing there, asking me to express or read an expression from it. “How do I make you feel today?” I evaded the question, and sped ahead to another exhibit.
Now, considering my somewhat cowardly response toward an artwork, I come to that question: Can my artwork produce a response? Being trained in visual communication, I would think that crying because you saw my work would mean a few things. One would be horrible use of color or typography. Another could be a hidden memory, awakened from the past.
I ask this, perhaps because, I am rarely moved by art these days. My girlfriend would point this out to me clearly, as I speed through galleries, gathering as deep an impression of 20 seconds at most. I blame neither the quality of artwork, nor the artist’ in his or her thoughts, but that challenging question: “How do I make you feel today?”
Would a Christian respond to art differently? During a local exhibition, I saw the scene of Christian and Jesuit martyrs in Japan. This gave me great thought, and I did pause for a lot longer than 20 seconds. The country I admired, sacrificing people of my religious beliefs and truths, for doing the very things that I do as my work. Would I be one of them?
“How do I make you feel today?” Scared, terrified in fact.
But I digress. This abstraction, the emotions felt without a clear imagery or reference. Just colors, textures, applied over surfaces. Emotions were poured into it, and yet, there is no obligation for the viewer to emote in response. Is that process of art abstract in itself?
Despite all my ramblings and thought, I guess at the end of the day, my question in my artwork would be: “Could you feel anything today?” and if you do, then I hope I was not to blame for it. Artistic abstract expression, you’re not the one at fault. It was probably me.
In the past month, I’ve begun to re-read Mere Christianity with one of my friends. It’s a very interesting book that breaks down a lot of basic ideas that I seemed to have taken for granted. Basic principles like Good and Bad, things that we assume, and it’s something brought out clearly again.
We’re only just finishing the first book, and starting on the second, and for some reason, I feel that the ideas address bigger issues that we’re dealing with in the world now. The timelessness of issues of moral right and wrong, and the relativism that we face in modern day, create more space for disagreements, than to create platforms of understanding. We are more aimless than before, having less of an answer that more people can agree to. The people who stand for their clear cut right and wrong end up dealing with a great deal of questions that don’t help, but delay decisions further.
Being a part of this generation, I feel like I have to create or develop my own understanding from this. Or to make the one above clearer so that more people can understand or agree or disagree. But I’ll just leave with the promise that I will update again about it, and perhaps, just maybe, I would form a finalized idea and stand about all of this.
p.s. I hope you can read sarcasm.
I think in the past week I’ve found myself with extreme motivation to create or to make something. It’s stemmed from an idea that I stop procrastinating, I was looking for a biblical idea of it, but it seems to be ambiguous.
I’ve been drawing, thinking, writing, cleaning, basically doing many things. Activity has increased dramatically because of this, but I don’t find myself very much fulfilled. It’s not helped me to deal with the need to create any better, but instead I feel like I need to create even more.
How does one adjust to their creative hunger? Is there an over production?
I watched a group of people unboxing one of Mark Gonzales’ storage space to showcase as artwork, and he had so many things. He created so much, he took so much, and everything was possible to be used and resold. How does an artist deal with their constant development and growth? I don’t necessarily agree that everything should be marketed and resold, but the actual amount produced is beyond what would remain in the artist’s active mind.
I feel like the line to draw is fine, and yet I would still create all the same.
Having had a few blogs before and the usual attempts of trying to record my life in different ways, I find myself asking, why another blog and now on trisected.com of all places?
And so these answers are for myself, more so, than for you, the reader.
At random, the single word that seemed to describe the sense I get about my life. It was the equal division of three or more parts of my life. Whether they would come together wasn’t the question, but more of a decision to take them apart. And I guess at this stage, it’s a willful attempt to say that it has passed, and now my view of it is from the future.
Or the divisions, my head was toying with either word. But splits sounds funnier.
The part of me that most people know, or recognize with. Joel the person who can design or draw or do letter things.
The part of me that holds daily. Joel the guy who went to do Christian work, and is continually learning and growing. I am changed by what God has shown me about what he has done, and that makes me really consider and think through many things.
This blog stands as that. I understand a little bit about God, and I don’t know, or I try to be as creative as I can be at the same time. These things might or might not come together, and most of the time, I feel only a small group of people do think through these different categories, trying to synthesize them. This blog becomes as a place for me to think aloud and document for myself how my thoughts change over the years.
I don’t expect everyone to agree, but hopefully you would share your thoughts with me too, as I continue posting my different ideas and thoughts.
Thanks for reading so far, and otherwise, do look forward to hearing more from me.