I had really bad sleep again last night. I was rudely awakened by the clock in the hall falling down and basically breaking into a few parts. It crashed, and I jolted awake, and basically looked at the mess that laid outside. Then I decided to just leave it and go back to sleep.
But going back to bed, my head just went through constant thoughts of past regrets, or just things that I haven’t thought about for the longest time. I thought through the times when I was 15 until 18, the amount of unnecessary stresses that I had placed myself through. Life could have been easier, but honestly, I just wanted to experience things in some of the worst ways possible.
I remember one of the worst nights I had, I was sitting at one of my ex girlfriend’s houses, we had broken up already but I just sat outside her house and cried and cried and cried. It was one of those, 2AM situations, finding myself there, because I had cabbed there, hoping for things to work out again. But they messed up in the first place because of how I wasn’t really a good boyfriend, and I just wasn’t really a nice person at that time. I remembered calling one of my close friends at that time and just crying on the phone, trying to get myself out of there and back home. Those nights really sucked, because I really think I had pushed so many people away by then.
Anyway, TLDR: last night, I revisited the other times when I was awake at 3AM, hoping to be asleep. I don’t like revisiting, because I don’t like who I was at that age.
That’s also why I make extra effort to be nice now, or at least I hope to. I think every day matters, and while it was a bad past, I can make some amends for the future. It’s a hurdle to hop over, but that’s part of what’s needed to move on for tomorrow.
I hate that sometimes though, I hate that hurdle. I wish there were other things in life to deal with, but I just have to deal with myself, and who I was.
This is what I’m looking forward to now: (or at least things like this)
Because, my home should be coming some time soon, and we really have to start planning how its gonna look like. My list of how the house looks is growing. At least something for me to really look forward to, along with my wife’s presence in the home with me. Clarice is a really lovely wife that I don’t deserve, super grateful for her. Super duper grateful.