trisected

Tag: regrets

  • A little earlier!

    I have some time literally set aside right now, to get things sorted out a bit. It’s great, that I can write, and that I have a good half hour or so, just to start things going. But it doesn’t really mean that I can type endlessly for a straight half hour.

    I usually take a 5-10 minutes to write these things out. I don’t really spend too much time writing, because I could write for too long. Also I end up writing for a few too many topics at one time. That makes it really hard to understand what I’m trying to say. At least with this, you have some space to try and make sense of things for yourself, as you read these different posts. It’s the overcooked food idea, when the work gets over done, and it just becomes a whole bunch of misunderstood nonsense. That really makes things hard to understand.

    But this idea that spending 10 minutes a day is difficult is actually something that works as a warning sign of sorts. It’s 10 minutes. Some YouTube videos are a good 20 minutes, and its just someone downloading their information to us. In 10 minutes, I am forced to think aloud, I would need to process information, and think through different things to make sense of it. 10 minutes is also time that could be spent having a good conversation, or sending a note to loved ones.

    I always end up thinking how important time is for me, and this is really one of the key things that I hold true for myself as long as I can. Which also means I get quite frustrated when I don’t spend my 10 minutes wisely. It’s time I can’t get back. Of course, I shouldn’t waste even more time being upset about wasting 10 minutes. The irony of that action would lead to even more time wasted. Instead, I am now making it a productive point by writing about the pointlessness of it. It’s supposed to be a big brain move, and I actually think it’s quite funny.

    In any case, this is my earlier post. I hope I get back to writing these in the morning. I do enjoy them being earlier, because I do get a better sense of the day after that. Also it’s a lot more relaxing, instead of rushing around for last minute requests.

    Have a good weekend!

  • Day to Day

    I had really bad sleep again last night. I was rudely awakened by the clock in the hall falling down and basically breaking into a few parts. It crashed, and I jolted awake, and basically looked at the mess that laid outside. Then I decided to just leave it and go back to sleep.

    But going back to bed, my head just went through constant thoughts of past regrets, or just things that I haven’t thought about for the longest time. I thought through the times when I was 15 until 18, the amount of unnecessary stresses that I had placed myself through. Life could have been easier, but honestly, I just wanted to experience things in some of the worst ways possible.

    I remember one of the worst nights I had, I was sitting at one of my ex girlfriend’s houses, we had broken up already but I just sat outside her house and cried and cried and cried. It was one of those, 2AM situations, finding myself there, because I had cabbed there, hoping for things to work out again. But they messed up in the first place because of how I wasn’t really a good boyfriend, and I just wasn’t really a nice person at that time. I remembered calling one of my close friends at that time and just crying on the phone, trying to get myself out of there and back home. Those nights really sucked, because I really think I had pushed so many people away by then.

    Anyway, TLDR: last night, I revisited the other times when I was awake at 3AM, hoping to be asleep. I don’t like revisiting, because I don’t like who I was at that age.

    That’s also why I make extra effort to be nice now, or at least I hope to. I think every day matters, and while it was a bad past, I can make some amends for the future. It’s a hurdle to hop over, but that’s part of what’s needed to move on for tomorrow.

    I hate that sometimes though, I hate that hurdle. I wish there were other things in life to deal with, but I just have to deal with myself, and who I was.

    This is what I’m looking forward to now: (or at least things like this)

    Because, my home should be coming some time soon, and we really have to start planning how its gonna look like. My list of how the house looks is growing. At least something for me to really look forward to, along with my wife’s presence in the home with me. Clarice is a really lovely wife that I don’t deserve, super grateful for her. Super duper grateful.