Clarice mentioned the word Boundaries to me today, and I’m reminded of the space of boundaries, and margins. I learnt during a seminar of sorts a few years back, that I need to set margins in my life. The margins keep space for you to handle urgent last minute things in life. I’ve not really managed my own boundaries very well, but today I am faced with a conundrum of sorts.
My current lack of boundaries
I think I struggle to say no to many things, and especially people. I keep saying yes, and that I wouldn’t mind. But now, coming to my mid thirties, I feel that I need to be selective, if not specific with the limited time I have. It feels like there needs to be clearer lines drawn for the things that I don’t want to spend time on, but that I have to spend time on. Societal and voluntary obligations, or maybe work related necessities, I need to limit how much time I want to spend on them.
Unfortunately in this week specifically, I had batched to spend a whole day on my obligations, and it’s made me feel extremely overloaded in just one long day. I’m learning how not to do that again, and also the consequences of stacking the day that way.
It’s also made me feel overwhelmed, to a point where I felt like just taking the day off to recover. Thankfully, I thought otherwise, and decided to just not think too hard about it, and move on with today. It helped because I found myself enjoying a very reliant day- a day where I relied on the people around me to support my under performing self. I practiced asking for help, and I also practiced not being the one with all the answers. It was not easy, but I am thankful for the opportunity.
Because of the lack of boundaries…
I feel that I was unable to befriend a person I would normally spend some amount of time trying to befriend. A person literally popped up in my life suddenly, with no real connection to me, other than an extremely happenstance moment. We traded numbers, but I was unaware that he probably suffers for a mental disorder of sorts, as I’ve dealt with people who do suffer from similar mental disorders, as they behave in the same way. In that first meeting, I was not sure if it was severe or not, but after some time, he texted me randomly, and spammed me with a number of things.
This was quite unsettling, as he called me at work one of the days while I was actually quite busy with a number of things. This made me feel quite uncomfortable, but I brushed it off, and decided to wait some time before I would respond to him.
However, today, he randomly appeared again, where I go to church at. I was in the middle of a discussion and he decided to barge in and just talk to me, but I explained that I was in the middle of a discussion. Later he called me a number of times, attempting to find me, but I had left the building already.
I feel that a part of me would have wanted to befriend him and talk with him, but because of the lack of boundaries I had been having, it felt like I was not ready to befriend him, or to talk with him in the long run. I had to turn him down, and tell him that I was sorry that I would not be able to talk with him, and that I was uncomfortable with his demand for the communication that I was unable to provide.
I am not comfortable with someone’s incessant texting and calling, but I am also uncomfortable not being able to be someone’s friend. It was a very hard line to draw, but I decided to draw it hard because the stressors I would face there would affect my other relationships in my life in a big way too. I still wish I had some space and boundaries to talk and befriend, but it is really not a wise thing for me to do in this space and time.
Relationships take time, and sometimes there are relationships that I really have no link to, and I can’t spare the time for them. I might really want to, but there are only 24 hours in a day, and I have to be wise in how I commit my time and effort.
While I am sad that I am unable to befriend, my mind is also wondering: at what stage and point would i be free enough to befriend someone like that? Someone who does not have the understanding of other people’s boundaries, and they would just want to call and talk as much as they please. Would I need to be able to spare time like that always? These are some of the questions that I am considering, as I reflect on the very long day, and my boundaries that I have to learn how to draw better again.