I don’t think I’ve ever thought I would have gotten this busy this year.
I’m in the middle of setting up three collab zine groups, and maybe even getting a fourth. I think at the start of the year, I didn’t even expect one to exist. And all this development was definitely not because I had the best ideas or because I had the best drive in the world, but I really think it was such a big series of incidents that I have to call it a divine action of God in my life.
I don’t shy away from the idea of miracles, because I do think the everyday life we see is largely dependent on that idea. It’s a miracle I get to wake up, considering the foods and liquids I’ve put into my body. It’s an even bigger miracle, considering the hard work I put it through whenever I try to work out when I’m clearly sick.
But when it comes to work, this work of having people coming together, I didn’t really think so well of it. I thought no one would come along, and I thought that it would have taken me a lot more time to develop one group, let alone three, and maybe four. I step back, and I do acknowledge that to be a clear moment where I personally see God’s hand in my life, orchestrating the people, and the situations in ways that I could not have had imagined. It’s pretty darn mindblowing, and it’s really not like I deserve it. It’s really not as if I was working so hard on my own, but I was really just doing what I think I was always doing, and God’s led many things to be put together.
Sure this busyness comes at a cost of what other work I could do; I’ve written a lot less here, and maybe sketched and drew even less. But the actual talking, and the actual people I get to meet make my lack of regular creative output a lot more worth it.
I don’t know what exactly to make of it. I know that I still make my YouTube videos every now and then. There’s a large part of me that really wants to produce things, and I have a crap ton of drafts hiding out in my room. The other day, my creative itch got so bad that I really just started painting with nothing in mind. That’s when i know something’s going to change drastically, creatively.
I wish I could have enough time and energy to handle the mental hurdles I have to go through, and still produce artwork at the same time. There’s a certain place my mind has to be, for me to really find my place creatively. It’s that tap that’s just leaking water at a slowish rate, but the moment you put pressure at the opening, it spurts out. It’s the same water rate, but the pressure makes everything come out so much faster.
If you have a hose, and angle it, you might even get a rainbow.
I think that’s what I’m trying to do: to get my creative rainbow after I put some pressure on myself.
But maybe busy is good for now, and whether I like it or not, it’s putting the pressure on, and it’ll make the creative rainbow come out somehow.