trisected

Tag: process

  • Busy Busy Busy

    I don’t think I’ve ever thought I would have gotten this busy this year.

    I’m in the middle of setting up three collab zine groups, and maybe even getting a fourth. I think at the start of the year, I didn’t even expect one to exist. And all this development was definitely not because I had the best ideas or because I had the best drive in the world, but I really think it was such a big series of incidents that I have to call it a divine action of God in my life.

    I don’t shy away from the idea of miracles, because I do think the everyday life we see is largely dependent on that idea. It’s a miracle I get to wake up, considering the foods and liquids I’ve put into my body. It’s an even bigger miracle, considering the hard work I put it through whenever I try to work out when I’m clearly sick.

    But when it comes to work, this work of having people coming together, I didn’t really think so well of it. I thought no one would come along, and I thought that it would have taken me a lot more time to develop one group, let alone three, and maybe four. I step back, and I do acknowledge that to be a clear moment where I personally see God’s hand in my life, orchestrating the people, and the situations in ways that I could not have had imagined. It’s pretty darn mindblowing, and it’s really not like I deserve it. It’s really not as if I was working so hard on my own, but I was really just doing what I think I was always doing, and God’s led many things to be put together.

    Sure this busyness comes at a cost of what other work I could do; I’ve written a lot less here, and maybe sketched and drew even less. But the actual talking, and the actual people I get to meet make my lack of regular creative output a lot more worth it.

    I don’t know what exactly to make of it. I know that I still make my YouTube videos every now and then. There’s a large part of me that really wants to produce things, and I have a crap ton of drafts hiding out in my room. The other day, my creative itch got so bad that I really just started painting with nothing in mind. That’s when i know something’s going to change drastically, creatively.

    I wish I could have enough time and energy to handle the mental hurdles I have to go through, and still produce artwork at the same time. There’s a certain place my mind has to be, for me to really find my place creatively. It’s that tap that’s just leaking water at a slowish rate, but the moment you put pressure at the opening, it spurts out. It’s the same water rate, but the pressure makes everything come out so much faster.

    If you have a hose, and angle it, you might even get a rainbow.

    I think that’s what I’m trying to do: to get my creative rainbow after I put some pressure on myself.

    But maybe busy is good for now, and whether I like it or not, it’s putting the pressure on, and it’ll make the creative rainbow come out somehow.

  • My Bad

    I’ve been avoiding writing for a few days now. I have some idea why, and it’s related to why my videos go up slow on YouTube as well, and why I don’t post anything on Instagram much either.

    I think I’m dealing with my disappointments of the previous occasions.

    I don’t think I’m that good at many things. I think I’m good at thinking of ideas, but I keep thinking that I’m not good at making it happen. I keep thinking that I don’t finish it well, or execute it properly. It’s not like I’ve gotten a bad review of anything, but I’m just really not sure of what I feel about how something turns out. I feel like I can’t trust what people say, or how I feel about something, and it means that sometimes I just let things go because I feel like it.

    I don’t think that’s the way I should do it, but that’s what I feel and that’s usually what holds me back. Until a day comes along like today, where I feel like there’s too much thought going on right now in my own brain, and I need to let it go, to make sense of it all.

    So I pen this down, because I want to make more things, but my own mind is saying no. I’ll be going back to do this program that I really enjoyed a few years back called The Artist Way. It’s a 12 week course of reassessing yourself as a creative, or just as a human actually. And it’s totally private. I’m looking forward to doing it for sure, but it’s gonna be a challenge. It takes time and effort to do it, but I want to, because I’m kinda done feeling the way that I currently do. I need to get out of my own head, and let myself go and make something happen.

    All this being said, I’m gonna make edit a video and get it up for tomorrow.

    See ya, and thanks for everyone who’s been sticking around all this time. I appreciate it, and I hope to keep on at it.

  • Planned Processes

    So here’s my balance to yesterday’s creative meanderings:

    There’s definitely a part of me that over plans everything.

    I think way too much over too many small things and I am always almost all over the place because of those thoughts. I’m either all over the place, or very prepared, because I’ve thought of the worst case scenarios.

    I’ve also thought through many strategies on what would work and what wouldn’t work on different channels, and honestly, that’s really one of the biggest hindrances to my creativity. I tell myself that plan A won’t work because it’s not in this or that. Or plan B needs more refinement in this and that areas, so I shouldn’t publish. I should just focus on sharpening it more and more and more.

    But what ends up is that I have nothing to show for all my thoughts.

    That’s where this blog came in. I wanted a space to show that I had thought. I have been mulling about many ideas for some time. And this space is proof that I have. It’s not really cohesive. I mean from here, you’ll definitely not understand anything about keyboards. You also won’t understand anything about art.

    But if you look through, you’ll see me. And that’s more important for me I guess. Perhaps that’s a good thing for me to do: to categorize my thoughts here into the different interests and you can then understand those portions better.

    I’ll probably do that now.

    In any case, one of the best creative breaks I’ve ever given myself was during the time that I did the Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. I started to see myself in a new light, and to see my creativity in a new light as well. It was really a breath of fresh air, and I think I will try my best to work towards that direction again. I need that space to breathe, and to create. But it takes time, that I need to commit to. That commitment entails some early waking up, which I haven’t been as consistent as I used to be with.

    Perhaps that should be something I should begin to restart now.

    For tomorrow’s Joel to work out!

  • 2022: It begins

    It’s been some time since updating here. I had the weekly review just before the absence, and I think I was really struggling to keep it going somehow. It was great when I was doing the daily blog, and when I just missed it, it just started to slip away. There’s many things I’ve learnt about this process of writing every day, or making content every day, and this is something that I really struggle with.

    I struggle to publish. Seth Godin had a few episodes on his podcast where he explains the need to publish, instead of just creating. I understand the purpose of that, but sometimes, that effort to place my artwork, or my thoughts and to press that button, it’s just not the same. There’s a million factors coming in, as I flip and flop between pressing that publish button or not to. Questions of what it means to me, and how I think about myself, and how I want to be perceived. Questions of quality and whether I’m happy with the work that I’ve produced. These weigh on me constantly, and sometimes the daily work just isn’t enough to keep it going, especially when I’ve taken a short break to reflect. That’s one reason why I’ve not published my artwork up for a long time.

    I do want to restart daily blogging here. But I think I need to give myself more realistic limits, so that those questions that assail me would not tear down the content upon scrutiny. Either that, or the format in itself would match a range of things that I am happy with.

    More thoughts on this soon, and perhaps this first week of daily blogging will be my process thoughts on how I will assess this daily blogging format.

    Personal creative struggle aside, I am thankful for all that this year has given. Being able to write here has been a welcome blessing. If you’ve been a constant visitor here, I hope this gives you a glimpse into the layers of my thoughts as I process many things in a day.

    I wish you all a blessed new year, because I hope the year will bless you abundantly in your needs and wants. I know that my needs and wants will be blessed for sure. May you have that same certainty as me.

  • What and Where

    When thinking about what to do, I’m always stuck with this issue: What should I do, and where should it go?

    “What to do” is always an easy one to start with: Paint a picture, write a blog post, cut a video together. But then when you pair it with “Where should this piece go?” then you get into this huge question of what’s the best approach, how do we get as many eyes on this as possible, and the list of it goes on.

    But today, like the past few days, I’ll just make these things for myself. On places that I’ll see, and where I’ll appreciate. Hopefully, that helps me to get back to making things easier. Simple. I hope.