The Cai Fan store below my block has just closed.
Cai fan, for the non Singaporeans, means literally vegetables and rice. It refers to a range of dishes, to be eaten with white rice. It’s an economical meal, ranging from about $3 to $5 for meal. A standard order would be two vegetable dishes with a meat dish.
The cai fan store is quite a staple in any food court in Singapore, as it carries a home made food feel. It’s simple, and most people would get it as a quick meal with no waiting time as the dishes are already pre made.
Specific to the food court at my housing estate area, the cai fan store has changed once before. I had gotten very used to a certain man running it, but he had let go of the space for another person to take over. Then I got used to the new person, and an older lady running it together with him. This lasted for the past year or a little more.
But today, I found out the store was closed entirely.
I was sad.
I was so sad that I decided not to eat at all, and I went back home to look through my fridge for leftovers.
I think I was sad because I felt like that cai fan store would be more of an anchor for my food routines. Something I could easily walk down to get for food, and it would be something consistent.
But now without it around, I feel untethered for a moment. It’s silly because it’s just a food store. But I know how hard it is to keep up with prices of things in Singapore. I know that rent costs a bunch, and it also is not easy to keep making food if people don’t buy often enough. Thus, capitalism and cai fan.
I am so unsure how I feel about money and purchasing, because I know it was my lack of buying from the cai fan store that led to its closing. Not mine alone, but everyone else’s too.
In Singapore we can order in food easily, via Grab (like UberEats). I have been ordering in because sometimes it’s just easier, even with a fee. Especially on days when I feel like I just deserve a break, I Grab an order of McDonalds or something unhealthy. The past few weeks of parenting were especially tough, and that was definitely a good amount of Grab Food orders. It is easier to Grab food, than going down physically to order a meal, because I can just sit around in my house while waiting for food to appear at my door.
I pay for the convenience of not leaving my house, but now I have also paid with the cai fan store going out of business yet again.
In a capitalist society, when I choose to spend my currency in one spot, it is unnecessary to spend it in another. I spend for luxury, or simple practicalities.
But now, I realise I have chosen without emotion, and because of my practical choices, my emotions are in flux. I feel sad about losing a place I thought to be permanent, or wished it to be so.
Part of my monthly routine is to run by Kinokuniya at Ngee Ann City. I buy Popeye, and I have been buying Popeye for the past 10 years at least. My subscriptions were at Liang Court before that, and when Kino closed at Liang Court, I had to get used to the travel to Ngee Ann City instead.
Kinokuniya Ngee Ann City isn’t going to be around forever either. In the past year, I intentionally purchase my books physically from the store just to drive foot traffic myself. I hope in so many ways my consistent purchases become something to sustain the store one way or another.
Because I want to be able to share some of these memories with Allison one day, where there are physical stores to build memories upon memories.
I don’ t know how to feel about capitalism.
I don’t know if its worth it.
But I definitely enjoy its fruits – the ability to purchase.
I don’t know what I can suggest to replace it, and maybe that’s the hardest realisation I am feeling currently.
Have I bought myself into convenience and luxury not naturally meant for me? It definitely feels that way.
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