As the previous post indicated very clearly, a friend of mine took his life a few days back. I found out it wasn’t three years ago that we last texted, it was just last year. And while that was our last few texts, it wasn’t the last time we spoke because I definitely had some catch up hi byes with him.
I am definitely sad. I am heartbroken. I wish he didn’t do it, and I also really wish that I had more time with him. My biggest wish was that he just tried a bit longer, or that he would find hope some way.
Mark gave me some good perspectives. While I might not had responded with overwhelming care and concern on times when I asked him how things were, it doesn’t mean that I would have been able to spot immediately that he would be depressed. It’s hard to gauge, and it’s not normal to dig and ask for details if they weren’t shared. This took some regret load off my chest a bit. But it still stings, and I wish I had more time in a day.
That being said, I would have definitely given him more time if he had asked for it, because he was someone I cared about. At the same time, I really don’t have all the time in the world to care about every single person all the time. I’m no saviour, and I have to come to terms with that. I can only be there for that many people, but I won’t reject people who do come to me looking for emotional support. Clarice affirmed me on that, and it does give me a bit more hope.
My last thought for now is another of Mark’s points: We will never really know what our depressed friends were feeling, and their feeling of sadness might have been so bad that they just wanted to disappear. I know a smidge of what that feels like, but not to an extent that I’ve wanted to give up on life. It’s impossible to know exactly what another human being is going through, no matter how well articulated. I can only share a similar parallel, but it’ll not ever be the exact same thing. And their fear or shame or disappointment is so high, that it’s just not what I can understand.
This is not the first suicide of someone I know and love, but it’s the most recent. With Allison in my life now, it makes me a lot more aware of the importance of life, and the need to keep having hope.
I am heartbroken, and I write this for myself to recall in the years to come. I pray God will not let my friends take their lives anymore, because it’s just so hard to deal with their choices like this. It’s really just so tough.
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