trisected

Tag: losing my youth

  • Death and Aging

    I was wondering why I had linked my coming of 35 to death, with the words “losing my youth”. While dissecting my own thoughts the other day, I realised I feel a certain way when I remember a friend or family member that passed away, and I have the exact same emotion when I remember I am 35 this year. It’s a mix of nostalgia, regret, a whole bittersweet train of thoughts.

    I think of the times when I was young, and able to do long projects over sleepless nights. Partying through the night, and then rushing out multiple projects the next day was really just so easy, and part of life almost? Good times would come at all cost, but now, I have to stop and pause just to remember I can’t do that so much. I’m cautious of how much I’m drinking and how hard I’m pushing my sleep limits, because I don’t want to feel bad the next day. The next day ends up usually being one filled with housework, and I’m stuck at maintenance a lot instead of dreaming.

    I have the same thoughts of missing the people who have passed. I remember the good times with them, and how I was able to find them, see them, at different gatherings. I would think of the things I would say to them, how I would greet them at the different spots, only to remember that I can’t. They’re not there. I stop, I miss them for a moment once more. A little sprinkle of grief, and I go on with my life.

    I say goodbye to myself every now and then, remembering Me will change, and I will continue on.

    I miss Me, thinking crazy dreams. But my dreaming hasn’t been as realised as I would like. I can’t undo time, and I can’t get myself back. But I have today to live forward for.

    Perhaps I am in constant grief about time passing away, so I keep doing things, or at least I want to.

    I miss my friends, my family who have passed, but I really can’t talk to them to same way. I take the emotions I would have spent on them, and spend it on people who are around now. People who can appreciate it.

    It’s so hard to grow sometimes, and even harder to grow older. But memories will be there, and I will remember. And I will also work on today, because today is here.

  • Losing my youth: The year of turning 35

    Losing my youth: The year of turning 35

    I have been pondering around this post for some time. How should I approach the topic? With which personal touches and flavor should I furnish? I decided to go with this, long winded, self questioning style, because at the heart of it, that’s part of who I am.

    The age of youth in Singapore is 18-35. I am turning 35 this year, and thus, at the end of this range of youth. There are many events, and many people who have impacted me through the years. Some of these years were extremely lonely. Some of the years held my life changing, near death experiences, shaping the person I have become today.

    While preparing for this year, especially approaching the end of 2023, my year end review ended with me reflecting on goals I had set through the years but never really completed. Ideas and thoughts of my youth, undecided if I should bring them into “adulthood”. Predictions and hopes for the future, as they ramble uncertainly through the days of 2024.

    So this year is dedicated to losing my youth. It’s in remembrance of the person I was throughout the seventeen years so far. It’s a mixed bag of hopes and dreams, as they crashed and burned with the practical realities of life. Perhaps that’s the ideal artist statement I never dreamed of, but now I am living out because of the choices I’ve picked throughout the time.

    Funny enough, it took me so long to write this post out properly, we’re already in March. But the work has started some time ago, and it has been exploding out of me in the past two months of 2024.

    Stay tuned, to watch me reminisce, and reimagine crazy thoughts and ideas of before, and aimlessly shoot towards Mars for the future. I promise it’ll be a hoot. After all, you know me already, if you’re reading this.