This month, baby Allison has really managed to get a lot more settled. It means more sleep, and a consistent routine. But it also means I get silly and do things like stay up late reading books or watching shows or playing games again.
I decided to write tonight, because there have been many things on my mind, and I am just really frustrated with how things have been going as a whole. I’ve not been the person I want to be, in the daily disciplines I approach, and I think that has thrown me off course.
I’ve also been writing a lot on my obsidian journal, so thoughts like this don’t come on here that much anymore. But I decided to just write about how I feel as an adult, as a parent, and as a creative person navigating these things.
Adult life is not easy. I don’t think anyone ever says that it is, but it is hard because of the expectations placed on myself. It might come from me, but it might also come from the people around me. I’m expected to behave and think a certain way, and sometimes I don’t see other adults around me behaving in the way they ought to be, and that’s not exactly fair. Unlike school, where I could tell on that person, or report them to the principal or someone else, adults are held accountable to almost no one. That sucks, because then I have to talk to the adult, and hope that they would understand how unfair life is when I have to play by the rules and they don’t. Either that, or I can be like the other million adults, and just leave that adult alone. But I don’t think that’s who I am, and I would like to tell people what I think.
That being said, this is happening a lot more in the past week, so I do feel like it might be a Me thing, not a them thing. But we’ll see how. I’m okay to take it this direction for a little while more.
As a parent, I don’t think I’ve had to parent much yet. My father in law asked me today, if parenting has been difficult, or life has been hard having to wake up and provide for Baby Allison this whole time, and I can’t really say that it is. I know friends having it a lot worse, and I think the fact that I can even write at night, it’s a real blessing.
I do think that being a parent has made me a lot more impatient. I don’t have time to waste on people forgetting things, or leaving things out. I don’t have time waste on conflict, and I would rather just say “Sorry I’m wrong” just to get conflicts over with. Maybe I would change what I do, but sometimes I just keep on making the same mistakes and just saying sorry again. I’ve got a baby to feed and timings to meet! Making real internal change takes time, especially if I don’t agree with what is said. I’d rather just apologise for being ignorant.
Creativity is so low. Very honestly, I just don’t have the time to develop artwork. I might sometimes, but most of the time, I’m just in recovery. Recovery also means I’m just trying to make sense of my own brain.
It’s hard, going from someone who makes something everyday, to someone who squeezes out a blogpost past midnight once in a month. I had higher hopes for myself to do more, but internally I don’t have much to give. I have many creative approaches to take care of my baby, and to possibly be productive. But the reality is coming to the computer, only to realise I don’t know what to start on because I have so much catching up to do.
Every time I sit at my computer now, I’m overwhelmed with options of what to do. I have work to finish, I have blog posts I want to write, I have games I want to play, I have shows I want to watch. They’re all competing for my attention, and I only have so much. I’ve thrown this question at ChatGPT before, and it suggests planning a theme for each day, so that I can focus on one thing. The trouble is when I forget what I’ve planned because I’m actually pretty tired. It’s also quite annoying having to plan ahead, when I used to do these things quite sporadically.
I decided to just go ahead and stay up a little later to make something, a post like this, instead of going to sleep or just playing games. Some output is definitely needed, because I’m getting all choked up inside, and my creative output is so drastically low.
At least one post is better than nothing!
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